November 20, 2010, 9:03 AM

Seoul National University Hospital

Jung-ro, Seoul, South Korea

“Honey, thank God!” My mom’s ear-splitting voice surprised me. “You’re awake! You scared the heck out of me, Sooyoung.”

How many days was I out? It felt like I was unconscious for a long time. Slowly, I lifted myself and tried to sit up. I was sick of lying in the bed the entire time. For some unknown reason, I want to go out. I could move my hands and my feet already. The only thing I want to do is get out of this hellhole.

My mom immediately rushed to me, brushing my bangs to the side. She looked like she didn’t get enough sleep for the past couple of days. There were dark circles under her eyes and her hair was so disheveled.

Dad stood behind her, looking like he was going to burst any moment now. It actually amused me. I don’t know if I should laugh or not because I know it’s going to make him mad.

And then there’s another person behind him, standing next to the door.

I glanced at Mom. “Who is he?”

Mom twisted to one side, following the direction I was staring at. “You don’t remember him?” she asked in disbelief. Her tone was gentle though. “Honey, it’s your Sunggyu oppa. You used to play with him when you were kids.”

“I don’t know him,” I stated quietly, shaking my head.

“Well…” she trailed off, frowning. “You must rest. You’ll probably remember him sooner or later.”

My thoughts drifted back the day of our accident. Why can’t I remember anything?

And then it hit me.

“Mom,” I called out. “Where’s Seunghyun?”

I looked at her, waiting for an answer. But then I watched as her face turned from anxiety to melancholy. She didn’t say anything but from the look of her face, I know that it’s completely bad. But… he can’t be dead. He just can’t die on me now.

“Mom, where’s Seunghyun?” I repeated a little louder.

“Honey,” my dad cuts in, putting his hands on mom’s shoulder. “Why don’t you rest first?”

I shook my head. “I need to see Seunghyun.” I pushed the blanket aside and moved my legs. I waited for the pain to hit me in any part of my body. But my dad stops me and gives me a warning look. “Dad, I really need to see him.”

“No, you can’t,” Dad protested. “You have to rest.”

“I had enough rest,” I told him firmly. “I just want to see him right now.”

“You can’t, Sooyoung,” Dad repeated sternly.

“Why? I just want to see—”

“He’s dead, Sooyoung,” Mom blurted out, her eyes avoiding mine. “He died while they performed the surgery. They tried to revive him but…”

I didn’t hear the rest of what dad said. The only thing my mind could process was the fact that Seunghyun is… dead. He’s dead. I can’t believe it. I couldn’t move. It was like I was back to that day after the accident. I couldn’t move.

I suddenly felt heavy.

And then I could hear it. My heart shattering in pieces.

It hurts so much.

It kills me.

He’s dead, Sooyoung. He died while they performed the surgery.

“He… he can’t be dead,” I managed to whisper. Tears swelled in my eyes.

I felt my parents’ arm wrap around me, comforting me and whispering lies that I’m going to be okay when I know that I won’t be. It hurts so much.

“I—couldn’t—even—remember—what—happened,” she said between wheezes.

“Well, you and Seunghyun were on your way home,” Dad explained, patting my head. “He was picking you up from your dance competition. Do you remember? You finished late at night, probably around 10. He informed us that he would be picking you up so we agreed anyway. I know he will keep you safe. But then a witness said that a big truck was approaching. The driver was drunk and the truck was turning from left and then to right. Seunghyun was trying to avoid it but then the truck hit on a pavement, causing it to catapult to your direction. It was… fatal. Both of you had a slim chance of survival.”

I gulped.

“But you survived,” Mom declared.

I did. I survived but Seunghyun didn’t. I would’ve been happier if Seunghyun survived the car crash, too.

Few hours later, I sat up and wandered my eyes around the room. My dad was nowhere to be found while my mom was sleeping on the couch. She must’ve been really tired. I pushed the blanket aside and got off the bed quietly.

I dimmed the lights so my mom won’t wake up easily. She won’t notice that I left the bed.

I glanced left and right, making sure that dad isn’t around. And then I quietly tiptoed out of the room, reminding myself to close the room as if no one even left the room. I have to make sure my mom doesn’t know where I went. I have to go back before she wakes up.

I headed straight to the nurse’s counter for information when I saw his mother pass by.

“Mrs. Choi!” I yelled before I could stop myself.

She stopped short when she heard me. Turning around, she gave me an icy glare. It wasn’t the same way she treated me back then when I first met her. She was… colder. I couldn’t blame her though. If I were in her shoes, I would be mad at myself, too.

“Mrs. Choi, I’m sorry about—”

“Not now, Sooyoung-ssi,” Mrs. Choi interrupted her, her eyes cold and her voice in monotone. She didn’t say anything more. Instead, she walked away without glancing back.

All of a sudden, I realized that all of my nightmares are coming true.

I couldn’t blame her.

I probably have myself to blame. Why must I still survive?

“Yah! Jung Sooyoung!”

I flinched in surprise when I saw Yuri in front of me. She looked like she went through a lot of obstacles before reaching the hospital. Her eyes look swollen, like she just came from weeping. Her hair was messy and her uniform was ed. She looked like she ran from the school all the way to the hospital.

I couldn’t blame her. She must’ve been—

Slap!

“I thought I told you to take care of him!” She ignored the lingering looks from the bystanders. I looked around, feeling embarrassed not because of what Yuri had done or said but because of what I have done. Because of what happened. “I thought—I told you—to—take ing care—of—him!”

She was sobbing again. And I couldn’t help it but to cry with her.

I couldn’t speak.  I was too ashamed to say anything. Why didn’t Seunghyun survive? Why does it have to be me?

“I’ve always told myself that he deserves someone like me!” Yuri continued, waving her hands angrily. “Before he left, I told him that I could take care of him better than you could! But he didn’t listen! And look where it has gotten him! I don’t know what he found in you that he didn’t find in me! He should’ve been with me! I was his first girlfriend! He told me he loved me and it’s always going to be me! But now he’s dead! He’s ing dead! And. It’s. All. Because. Of. You!”

She was going to slap me again. I knew it was coming but I didn’t stop her.

I wanted her to hurt me, too. I only have myself to blame.

I deserve to die.

I deserved to die than Seunghyun. He was a good person. I wasn’t.

I closed my eyes, mentally preparing myself for what was worst. I know Yuri’s slap is going to hurt. Girls with broken hearts have the hardest blows in history, especially when it involves someone who broke their heart in the first place.

“Don’t do it, Yuri.”

My eyes flew open at the sound of someone behind me. I wheeled around sharply. I felt a mini heart-attack when I thought it was my Dad. But it wasn’t. It was that guy from the room earlier. The one my mom said about being someone I knew back then.

“Kim seonsangnim,” Yuri breathed out, looking as taken aback as I was. “What are you doing here?”

“I am a family friend of Sooyoung’s father,” Kim seonsangnim replied nonchalantly. “You can’t act reckless in a public place like this.”

“I don’t care!” Yuri spat out, darting me her most vicious glare. “This killed the guy I love! He was supposed to be mine! He was mine! He was mine until she came along and stole him away from me. He was mine. And now he’s dead… he’s…” she trailed off and sobbed harder.

It broke my heart to see Yuri like this.

I let out a weak laugh. How could my heart break when it’s already broken in pieces?

“It’s not your fault, Yuri,” Kim seonsangnim stated firmly. “It’s not Sooyoung’s fault that he died either. He was alive when he reached the hospital. But the doctor said he lost too much blood and they tried to revive him as much as they could. Don’t blame it on Sooyoung. She didn’t do anything. She was involved in the accident as well.”

“But she—”

“Go home, Yuri. Everyone’s a mess right now,” he advised. “I think it’s best that you go home. Come on, I’ll go get you a cab.”

I watched as Kim seonsangnim held Yuri on her shoulder, leading her to the exit. He was right. Everyone’s a mess. Even I’m a mess.

Seunghyun, how am I supposed to survive life without you?

♀ ________________________________________________________ 

chapter two, comments please? i want to know how i've been doing so far x

kim seonsangnim is kim sunggyu by the way.