I don't even know what this is, but it's long 🤷‍♀️

Time Is Ticking

I’ve always known that time is abstract, a concept, something people worry too much about. I never truly understood the amount of importance it was given, and so I go about my daily life not caring much about it, always been late at everything.

I knocked at Rosé’s door, twisting the knob open and letting myself inside. Seeing her sitting at her desk with her arms crossed with a huge frown, I grinned, knowing exactly what she was going to say. “You’re late again.”

“Sorry.” I walked towards her, dropping my bag on the floor, bending forward to place a kiss on her forehead.

“No, you’re not.” I could feel her glare as I took a seat beside her. “I am!”

Rosé shook her head before diverting her attention to the pile of books on her desk. “Whatever. Let’s study.”

Just like our routine during exam week, I took out all my books and Rosé started explaining to me the main concepts that need to be given emphasis for the exams. 

There was no need for me to review for the tests as most of the things the teachers taught during lectures has stuck in my mind. I knew everything Rosé was teaching me, heck I’m sure I knew more, but I would pretend that I was listening just so I can come over. Her parents wouldn’t allow me in their house during exams if they knew. They were too involved with Rosé’s academic life, unlike mine.

“You’re staring again.” Rosé placed down her pen. Oops. I was caught. “I thought you promised you’ll listen.” It was obvious that she was getting frustrated although she’s trying not to show it. She never really liked showing others her negative emotions even though I insisted that there was nothing wrong with expressing her anger or frustrations, she just never listened. 

“I was listening!” I flashed her a smile.

Rosé raised an eyebrow. “Then what’s a stronger form of magnetism?“

“Paramagnetism.“ Good thing she didn’t ask me to repeat what she said, else I’ll be dead.

She threw her head back, groaning. “How do you always know the answers while I have to study thrice as hard to be able to answer that question?” She was putting herself under too much stress and it’s seriously passing on to me.

“You want to know my secret?” 

Rosé faced me, slouching on her chair. 

“Chill.” I closed my book, leaned comfortably on the chair, then shrugged. Another groan escaped her lips at what she thinks is a one of my “not-so-helpful” advice. “It’s true! You’re too stressed to absorb anything.” I took the liberty to close her books and notes before standing up from the chair. “Let’s take a break first.”

“What, like a breakup?”

I shrugged, smiling. “Sure, if that’s what you want.” 

Rosé laughed, following me to her bed. I practically lived in her house ever since we became official, actually, even before that. We’ve been close friends for over three years already, although I only found out about her crush on me a year ago. Her hints were very subtle but I eventually caught up to it. 

“Are we still up for tomorrow?” 

I smiled, remembering our plan to meet up at a café and study there. “Yeah, sure nerdy Rosé.”

“Hey!” She snatched the pillow under my head and stood up. “Let’s finish chapter 1 already.”

“I don’t wanna.”

“Stop being so lazy!” Rosé pulled me up from the bed. I groaned as I stood up and went to her desk. “Be thankful that I like you.” I shook my head, still frowning. I really didn’t want to study.

Rosé sat on the arm of my chair, interlacing her hands together behind my neck, whispering with a tease, “Thank you.” I place my hands on her waist, catching her lips with mine. The slow innocent kiss turned rough with burning passion as her hand gripped my hair. My phone vibrated on her desk, but I decided to ignore it. It can’t possibly be more important than what was in front of me. My phone vibrated once again. And again, and again, and again, that I just had to pull out of the kiss. 
Rosé frowned.

“Sorry, might be an emergency.” I shrugged, tending to my phone that kept on vibrating. Rosé went back to her chair, opening her book.

The notifications from my lock screen showed that it was Lisa. I slid open my phone, checking her messages. It was all memes. I laughed at the pictures, telling her to send me more.

“Who’s that?” Rosé asked while she highlighted some passages.

“Lisa.” She sent me more memes as I sent her some that I saved yesterday.

“Can you stop giggling. It’s distracting me.”

“Oops. Sorry.”

This time, I tried to suppress any sound but I ended up laughing even more. I just couldn’t help it.

A loud thud startled me, causing me to divert my attention to the girl glaring at me. “Sorry.”

“You know what? Go and marry Lisa already!”

I raised an eyebrow. “What? Where did that come from?”

Rosé scoffed. “Oh I don’t know, why don’t you ask your phone?”

“Can you stop being so jealous of Lisa?” She thought I haven’t been noticing her subtle diss comments about Lisa whenever I mentioned my friend. They actually went along when they first met, makes me wonder what changed.

“Who told you I was jealous? Your phone?” Okay, now she’s just being y.

“Oh my god. Stop it. There’s no need to be jealous. We were just exchanging memes.”

“You said you only send memes to the people you like. You don’t even send me those anymore.” Her scowl turned into a frown, and she was looking down on her book.

“People I like, which means my friends. And plus, I don’t send you memes anymore ‘cause you never react to them!” It was true. I eventually got tired sending her all the recent memes and just basically anything funny ‘cause she left me on read thrice.

Leaving the memes issue behind and actually focusing on the root of the problem, I placed my hands on her shoulders, turning her to look at me. “Look, if I liked Lisa more than you then I would’ve asked her out, not you. Trust me, there’s nothing to be jealous about.” 

“I’m sorry. There’s just really so many people waiting for us to break up so they can ask you out.” 

“Well, they can wait forever ‘cause we’ll never break up. You’re stuck with me.”

If I were my old self, I would’ve called her out for being so sensitive and overly jealous of nothing. I would’ve walked out and not talk to her until she apologizes for her useless emotions. But I’m not my old self anymore. I used to be the head of the school before I met Rosé. I’ve always won arguments and never showed “weak emotions” as what I used to call them. This is why I was very thankful for Rosé. She made me feel loved, she made me realize that caring for someone isn’t as bad as I thought it would be.

“Y/N.” Her sweet as honey voice brought me back to earth. “I love you.” These words always made me speechless, panicked, and nervous. Especially when her eyes looked right through me, especially when I can see how she really meant those words. But the thing is, I’ve never said it back. Rosé knew that I wasn’t ready to say those words, and I knew she wasn’t expecting me to say it back just yet, but that didn’t stop me from fidgeting in my seat.

“I—-“ Saving me from the stuttering mess that I would’ve become, my phone vibrated and showed a message from dad. After reading the message, I looked back at Rosé, smiling apologetically. “At a very rare instance, my mom and dad are home early, therefore, I need to go home.” I picked up my things and shoved it in my backpack.

“Don’t be late tomorrow.” Rosé stoop up, placing a kiss on my lips.

“I won’t.”

I was late. In all honesty, I really didn’t intend to, this time, but my mom made me go to my aunt’s house to drop the books she lent last week. Although her house was on my way to the café, my aunt forced me to eat her mac and cheese. There’s really not much of a choice.

I was waiting for the walk sign to go green before I crossed the street. I looked at the café in front of me, seeing Rosé sitting outside. She always loved choosing the outside seats ‘cause apparently the restricting walls were a bit suffocating.

Taking out my phone, I messaged her. “Look in front of you.” Seconds later, she looked away from the book she was reading, spotting me, she smiled and typed on her phone. The stoplight was taking too long.

“Let’s go to a different café. Their tea tastes bad.” I chuckled, shaking my head. Rosé picked up her things, placing them in her bag before waiting to cross the street.

We stood in front of each other, one pedestrian lane separating us. It was like those cliché scenes on one of the many k dramas we’ve watched together. I would’ve cringed at it, but experiencing it myself, with the ever so pretty girl in front of me, there was nothing to cringe at, only something to admire. 

The green light flicked, and I waited for her to reach me, but that didn’t seem to be happening as right before my eyes, a yellow cab came with a speed that violated the speed limit. The hiss of the tires on the concrete were the only sound that I could fathom as I saw Rosé’s eyes widen a second before her body collided with the cab. All of it happened in seconds, but to me, it lasted for eternity. 

One second you’re happy and the next, you’re too stunned to even realize that your tears are already flowing. I couldn’t move. Not when I saw everything. But I knew I had to do something when a crowd formed around Rosé.

I ran towards her, pushing people to the side. In the middle of them all, there she was, eyes barely alive, lungs desperate for air. Someone was talking to her, telling her to hold on.

“Rosé?” Her eyes met mine as I sat next to her. She held her hand out and I quickly took a hold of it. “Babe, it’s going to be okay. They already called the ambulance. Just a couple more seconds.” I moved the strands of hair on her face, leaning in for a kiss on her forehead. My lips could taste the blood from the crack on her forehead. The scarlet liquid slowly leaked down to the right side of her face. 

With a lot of struggle, she placed her hand on my cheeks, painting it red, but I didn’t care. The ambulance is going to come and they’re going to perform a surgery then we’ll get back to our old lives like nothing happened. That was what we’re going to do.

“Just in…case s-something…happens.” Rosé gasped for air. “I love you,” She whispered, even trying to smile but failing to do so. Her eyes looked like they were going to give up any time soon. I couldn’t look at her. I knew she was in a lot of pain and if I can just take all of it away from her right now, I’d do anything. 

I held her hand firmly. “Don’t say that. You still owe me a date.” I sniffed, shaking my head. She can’t leave me right now. We were going to ace the exam next week. We were going to go to the same college. We were going to move in together. We were supposed to be together for the rest of our lives. But all of that went away when her hand slipped from mine, her eyes closed, and her breathing came into a stop. She was gone. “No. No. No. Rosé.” I shook her body, hoping it’ll bring her back. 

I looked around, all the people staring at me. “Where the is the ambulance?!”

That was that.

She told me she loves me, and what did I say? I could’ve told her I love her too. I could’ve told her how much she meant to me, how she changed me for the better, or how thankful I am to have her. But no, all I said was “Don’t say that. You still owe me a date”. 

“Hey.” Lisa stood in front of me. It was the day of the burial. I didn’t attend the funeral service as there were no point hearing all the strangers who don’t even know her say how Rosé was a good girl or student or whatever. 

I exhaled, forcing myself to smile. “Hey.”

Lisa pursed her lips, taking a step forward, putting her arms around me. It was comforting. I didn’t know that I desperately needed a hug until Lisa came. I’ve kept my tears bottled up after what happened and I know that it was about time I opened it and let it flow. I almost did, but Rosé’s mom called us over. They were about to put Rosé 6 feet below the ground. 

The priest said it was Rosé’s time. That her time had ended. That it was our time to lose her. But as did the time to lose her came, I wanted to get lost with her. 

The loss is more than what my heart can take. And so I let my mind lead me through high school. It had been my companion ever since death ripped away a part of me. And as if that part wasn’t big enough, right when I stepped into college, death snatched away my parents. It was unfair. Even though they weren’t always there for me, physically, they supported me in every decision that I made, stupid or not, they. 

They say a man who lived his life to the fullest isn’t afraid of death. I’m sure haven’t lived my life to the fullest, yet not an inch of my body is afraid of death. If anything, I’d be glad to be told that “It’s your time.”. 
On second thought, I’m not gonna them a chance to say that my time has come. It’s all bull anyway.

I lived with my aunt after everyone that was important to me died. I didn’t see a purpose to live, but that didn’t stop me from doing my daily routine of waking up, going to university, go home, study, sleep. That was all I did every day up until I graduated. I didn’t make any friends as it’s all just a painful process of having fun one second and the next they’re dead. 

I moved back to my old house once I landed my first job. My aunt was going bankrupt anyway. I already left her before she can even leave me to die alone.

Standing before the house that I grew up at triggered all the memories from when I was a kid playing in our backyard, up until I was old enough to sneak out to go to parties. I let myself in, the gates had gotten quite rusty and the grass grew half as tall as me. If