Open Book

I was reading the right book

It has been three months. The first month was one of the most dreading time I had. I underwent 3 stages during that month, which I never want to experience ever again. 

First, emptiness. 

Chaeyoung filled my heart, she greedily took every inch of it and I didn’t even complain. I felt whole when I’m with her and I never imagined my life without her. I constantly wondered how I was able to live my life before I met her but now I wondered how I’m going to live after she left. She filled my heart greedily, and in the same way, she drained it when she decided to leave me. Chaeyoung was able to make me feel whole, but she was able to make me feel empty as well.

Second, sadness.

It was hard when the simplest things remind me of her. It was hard missing her. I’d wake up in the morning, wondering why my bed suddenly got bigger. I’d sit on the couch, feeling cold and lonely. I’d eat at the table, drowning in silence as there was no one talking. I missed her, badly. Every part of me searched for her, yearned for her.

Third, anger.

Chaeyoung said she loves me. She said she’s scared that I would find someone better than her and then leave her. Apparently, she was a coward and decided that it will be better if I experience the pain instead of her. She left me without even a letter, nothing. She didn’t give me any warning or hint on what she was about to do. She lied to me, and I hated her for it. At some point, I even started hating disney movies and stopped watching them. Chaeyoung was too caught up with herself that she didn’t even think of the people that she will leave behind. She didn’t even think about me. 

But during those sleepless nights, feeling of emptiness, sadness, and resentment, I wasn’t alone. Jennie stayed by my side patiently, helping me cope and go through every stages of that month. Thanks to her, life became bearable.

And so two months had gone by, still, Jennie had always been with me. She pushed away my thoughts of slitting my wrist, jumping from a building, or even hanging myself. She helped me move on and be more mature. Jennie filled me with love that was big enough to brush off the resentment I felt for Chaeyoung. 

I didn’t delete our pictures on my phone, nor the messages we shared, I thought that was too childish and plus, I still cherish the memories we spent together. I couldn’t just forget everything we had.

I was able to move on from it, but sometimes, I couldn’t help but still wonder why Chaeyoung did it. But then again as cliché as this may sound, everything happens for a reason. Maybe it’s just not yet the right time for me to find out that reason.

“Hey babe,” Jen sat beside me, placing an arm around my waist and resting her head on my shoulder, and I couldn’t help but groan at how she calls me.

“You and your ‘babe’ thing.” I shook my head and she immediately looked at me with her goofy smile.

“Why?”

“I told you it’s cringy.” I’m certainly not going to call her that, nor anyone. Ever. Not once did I even call Chaeyoung that. 

“No, it’s not. It’s cute. I don’t get why you don’t call me that.” Jennie giggled and pinched my nose, making me scrunch my face. “Eew no.”

I liked her, and maybe I can already call it love, but I didn’t feel the need to constantly tell her that because she knows. Jennie knows how much I’ve grown to care for her and appreciate her more than I did when we were just friends. I liked that. 

Everything with Jennie seemed so… easy. There were no one against us. All our friends support our relationship unlike when I was with Chaeyoung. I was happy, more than happy actually, and this time, I’m sure that Jennie is too. 

A couple of months had gone by after Jennie and I became official. She would always come by at my apartment and most of the times have a sleep over that anyone would think we live together. So, I decided, why don’t we?

“Jen.” 

Jennie looked up from her phone, turning it off. “Yes, babe?” It’s these simple things that she does that makes me feel special. It’s probably too shallow to everyone but it means something when someone focuses on you alone.

I was thinking of how I should ask her, but I just went with whatever. “Do you want to——I’m just thinking, maybe you’d want to move in with me? Since you know, you’re practically here everyday anyway and——“

“Really?! You want me to move in with you?!” Her loud voice and her arms on my shoulders, shaking me, almost gave me a heart attack. Almost.

I was able to take off her hands on my shoulders as I was already getting dizzy. “That is, if you want.”

Jennie squealed and clapped her hands like she just won a lottery. I honestly didn’t know she’ll be this happy. If I knew, I would’ve asked her long before. “I’m going to get my things!” She started wearing her shoes and of course, I tried to stop this hyperactive child.

“We can just get it tomorrow…” But before I can even finish my sentence, Jennie was already gone, probably running back to her apartment. She’s just…adorable.

It’s Sunday. I don’t know why or what’s gotten onto me, but I just felt like visiting Chaeyoung. I really, really don’t know why I have the urge to do so, but I did. 

Jennie accompanied me to where Chaeng’s tomb is. I was actually hesitating at first but she insisted to drive and come with me, which I think was very thoughtful of her.

“I’ll just wait for you here.” Jennie stayed inside the car while I went to where Chaeng is. I mean, I didn’t even expect her to come with me, given that she and Chaeng were never really close to begin with. 

As I stood before her tomb, I could only stare at it and suddenly, I knew why I wanted to come here. I missed her. Who wouldn’t though? Especially me, who had a lot of memories with her. I just hope that she’s in a better place now. No, actually, I know that she’s in a better place now. She’s an angel, that I’m certainly sure of. 

I took a deep breath and exhaled it. “Bye Chaeng. I’ll come back next time, and I’ll make sure to bring your favourite flower.” I took one last glance and smiled. It feels like I’m finally having the closure that I wanted. It felt nice. I felt free. 

Finals are near and I had tons of homework to finish. The professors simply loves being the villain and making every student’s life a living hell. 

“Is your homework really more important than me?” I could see Jennie from the corner of my eye, playing with my pens. She had been sitting beside me, probably for an hour already and she’s obviously bored.

I glanced at her before continuing what I was writing earlier. “As of the moment, yes. If I don’t do this, I’ll fail my subject. If I fail my subject, I’d have bad records. If I have bad records, I wouldn’t be able to get a decent job. And if I don’t get a decent job, who’s going to feed you?” I shrugged and I knew Jennie was already smiling and she even had the guts to distract me by placing a kiss on my cheeks. Gosh this girl.

Everything was going well with my life, and to my surprise, someone who I thought I would never see again, came back.

“I heard Jisoo is here.” Jennie mumbled, her eyes fixed on the television. Jennie rarely shows if she’s