You place a bouquet of white roses on the top of your dad’s gravestone. It’s covered with frost, even though you’ve swept all the snow off of it. You crouch down when your knees go weak and you stare at your dad’s name engraved in the stone.

You hear footsteps, boots creaking in the snow, and your tattoo warms up a little. You glance over your shoulder to see Siwon approaching. He looks slightly surprised when he sees you. He’s carrying flowers.

“Hey,” you say. Siwon sends you a tight smile, places his flowers – yellow carnations – next to yours, and then crouches down on your right. You sit in silence for a long time. You stand up first, feeling your legs give out, and Siwon follows shortly.

“Has Mom invited you over for dinner yet?” you ask, looking at him. Siwon nods. You look at your dad’s grave for the last time and the two of you begin to walk back to your cars. “I wasn’t sure.”

“She called me a while ago,” Siwon assures. “I’ll be there.”

Your heart is tight and you feel like crying, but you’re trying your best to hide it. Your voice still sounds weird and forced out when you speak, and your throat is clasped. You and Siwon go your separate ways, both of you trying your hardest not to cry in front of each other. You get into your car and drive home, but in the middle of the ride, you need to stop on the side of the road and turn the engine off, because the grief suddenly takes over.

*

“Which one?” you ask, presenting Kai with two different dresses: a red one and a white one. Kai glances between the two, finally pointing at the red one. It’s less elegant that the white one. “Really?”

“I like you better in this one. And you once said it’s comfortable.”

“Your family seems to be the kind that wears super elegant clothes for Christmas, to be honest,” you admit. “I don’t want to look weird and be the only one dressed casually.”

“Taemin is probably gonna go wearing sweatpants,” Kai deadpans. You grin, putting the white dress away and placing the white one on the pile of other clothes you’re gonna be packing.

This year both you and your mom are going to spend Christmas Eve at the Kim’s.

This year is the year of many first times, you think to yourself. You and Kai are going to be away from town for more than one day for the first time. Jaejoong is going to spend Christmas with his family for the first time in years. It’s going to be the first time you meet some of Kai’s family members. You feel nervous and excited at the same time. Nervous, because being away from town always makes you feel on edge (and Kai is going to be away with you, so that makes it even worse), and excited because it’s definitely something new and, you hope, enjoyable. You wonder what it's like to spend Christmas with a big family. It’s always been you and your mom. Sure, you had your pack, but Christmas Eve was reserved for the two of you and Siwon.

This year Siwon is going with you as well. That’s a first for him, too.

*

Chanyeol washes his hands and exits the bathroom to find Eun waiting for him in the corridor. She looks down at his tie and smiles, approaching him. Chanyeol looks down to see his tie all twisted up weirdly. She fixes it for him, then looks up, tiptoes and kisses him on the chin.

“You’re doing great,” she says. Chanyeol exhales loudly.

“Are you sure?” he asks, feeling unsure. His heart has been hammering in his chest the entire evening. Eun’s grandma is staring at him weirdly and her dad has made more than one kid joke. “I don’t even remember what I’ve said tonight. At this point I’m on auto-pilot, Eun,” he admits, panic once again flooding him.

“Then your auto-pilot is doing great,” Eun reassures him, patting his chest a few times. “Stop worrying. Everybody loves you.”

“Except for your grandma. I’m pretty sure she wants to see me burn.”

“That’s just how her face is,” Eun says, her eyes fluttering closed. She takes Chanyeol’s hands into her own and pulls them up, until their intertwined hands are the only thing keeping them apart as they lean into each other. “She loves you too.”

She sends him the most charming smile, and just like that, Chanyeol’s knees go completely weak.

“No kissing in the hallways!” Eun’s dad calls from the living room, startling both of them.

*

Heejin hears her phone ring. She looks around in search of it and spots it on the couch, next to her uncle, who’s currently telling the guests a story of how he and Heejin’s aunt met. They hear the same story every single Christmas, but it’s just as ridiculous every year.

Heejin’s phone stops ringing when she takes it into her palm. Suho’s name flashes on the screen. Before she can call him back, he sends a text.

Can you come out for a second?

Heejin’s heart leaps in her chest. She looks to her mom, waits until she feels Heejin’s eyes on her, and gestures at the door excitedly. Her mom frowns, nods very slowly, and watches as her daughter practically leaps to her room.

Heejin opens her desk drawer and pulls out a present she’s picked up for Suho. She wanted to give it to him after Christmas, but since he’s already here, she’s not going to miss that chance. She looks out the window to see if he’s really outside, and spots him right away. Just as she looks out, he looks up, and she waves to him from the window, smiling widely.

She runs downstairs, puts on her shoes and a coat, and puts the present into the pocket of it. Then she exits the house, cold winter air hitting her and making her cheeks red.

Suho smiles widely when he sees her. Snow is falling, so his black beanie, his shoulders, and his bangs are covered with soft, white puffs of it; she wishes she could take a photo of him right now.

“Hello,” Suho greets. Heejin stops in front of him, jumping a little on her heels, full of excitement.

“I thought we were supposed to meet tomorrow,” she says.

“I know,” Suho nods, scratching the back of his neck sheepishly. “I know it’s a family event, I just…I wanted to see you.” Heejin blinks at him, her eyebrows twitching in both surprise and sentiment. “And I got you something.”

Suho pulls a tiny, red box from his coat and hands it to her. Heejin pursues her lips to stop herself from smiling too widely, and takes the box.

“I got you something too,” she admits quietly, also digging her present out. They exchange them, both grinning like children and looking both awkward and daringly cute; Suho chuckles, leans closer to her like he wants to hug her really bad, and Heejin is embarrassed to look him in the eye.

“Merry Christmas,” Suho says. He places his head on Heejin’s forehead, not doesn’t dare to close the gap between them completely. Heejin nods, smiling.

“Merry Christmas,” she whispers. She’s about to open her box when she sees Suho opening his present, when the boy’s fingers stop around the blue bow. She looks at him questioningly. Suho takes a step away from her, looking a bit guilty and a bit busted, and she realizes that he’s staring at something behind Heejin. She looks over her shoulder.

Her entire family is huddled by the window, their faces perfectly visible at night while the lights are all on in the house. Heejin’s cheeks go completely red.

“Oh my God,” she says and starts to wave her hands at her family, trying very hard to convince them to go back and stop staring, but it’s no use, because they’re all smirking and grinning at her now and her uncle is totally taking pics. She feels mortified. “Oh God, I’m so sorry.” She turns towards Suho to find him bowing ninety degrees, with his face red.

“I should’ve known,” Suho says, straightening his back and grinning at her. “I’ve never felt more mortified, to be honest, and I once fought a creature that’s literally said to have come from Hell.”

Heejin feels a weird sound and when she turns around, her mom is opening the window.

“Invite him in, will you?” she calls. Heejin’s dad pushes his wife to the side, his face visible in the gap.

“Don’t let him starve in the coldness!” he says. The entire family laughs like it’s the best jokes ever and their conversations and jokes fill Heejin’s and Suho’s ears; Heejin knows that Suho hears every single one of them.

She looks at him, sending him a quizzical look.

“Would you like to come in?” she asks quietly.

Suho looks sincerely surprised. Then he smiles, and it’s one of the most honest, most beautiful smiles he’s ever shown to her. He nods.

*

“Thanks, mom,” Xiumin says. “We will. I love you. Have a merry Christmas and see you soon.”

He disconnects and goes back onto the couch, where Min is eating some cupcakes. She’s lying down, so to sit down, Xiumin has to lift her legs and put them onto his lap. Min smiles at him.

*

Kyuhyun is sitting in your lap, blabbering on about Power Rangers, a recent obsession of his; he’s also eating chocolate while talking, which makes his monologue completely incomprehensive.

Kai is across the room, leaning against the wall, standing in a circle with Taemin, Jaejoong, Siwon and Hyoyeon, whose pregnancy is already showing. Her husband is here, too, and is currently making Kai’s mom laugh very hard. The rest of the family is scattered all around the place. The fire is burning in the fireplace, and the room is filled with sounds of conversation, laughter and soft music someone has put on. It’s warm, cozy, and you feel grounded; at ease.

You got to talk to Jaejoong today, too. For the first time in a few weeks, if not months. He told you that Father was trying to track down Mabeob's leader. 

He also told you that he's one hundred percent sure that the evil mage spirit you saw back then wasn't your dad, and that Father is sure of that. 

You kiss the top of Kyuhyun’s head, making him stop his babbling for a moment to look up at you in confusion. You smile down at him, and then he shoves the little piece of chocolate he has left onto your mouth, saying ‘Eat’ in a very serious fashion.

It’s snowing outside. 

Happiness all around.
I LOVE YOU MY FAV PUMPKIN CHOCOLATE CHIP CUPCAKES