Sickness [and Review by Nom_Nom_Nom_]
Absolute Boyfriend“Achoo!”
Donghyun immediately reached over and placed a hand on Seh Lyung’s forehead. “38.33 degrees Celsius. Also known as classic 101 Fahrenheit.” He announced, lifting Seh Lyung’s blanket higher up her body.
Jeongmin was biting harshly on his breakfast napkin, being overly dramatic. “What’s the diagnosis, Doctor Donghyun-hyung?”
“Day flu.” He shrugged. “Really nothing special.”
“Nothing special!” Jeongmin slammed his hands down on the coffee table. “My Seh Lyung’s sick and you’re telling me it’s nothing special!?”
Hyunseong reached over and pulled his arms down, almost making Jeongmin fall over. “It happens a lot during this season. Seh Lyungie just needs some soup and a little rest.”
“All you need is a day off from school and you’ll be just fine.” Donghyun assured.
“Miss school!?” Seh Lyung exclaimed, her voice raspy. She started coughing again and she felt Hyunseong rub her back, trying to ease her soreness. Despite all this, she argued. “I have to go to school! I’ve had perfect attendance since my third year of primary school!”
“I know you’re a perfectionist and all,” Donghyun grinned slightly. He watched her desperateness off all places, to go to school. “But you’ll never get better if you keep exerting yourself.”
“Seh Lyung-ah.” her Uncle K.Will dashed into her room, wearing a cute rabbit bathrobe. “Are your boyfriends nursing you back to health?”
“Tell them I’m fine and I can go to school!” she huffed, crossing her arms.
K.Will pursed her lips. “No can do. If you’re really that sick, you don’t want to stress yourself out. Most importantly, you don’t want Youngmin and Kwangmin sick too, right?” Of course, K.Will wasn’t fond of the news that the Jo twins were warming up to his niece, and almost ruining his Boyfriend experiment, he knew it was a tick that Seh Lyung would never lose.
She sighed. “Whatever. But what if I miss an important lesson!?”
“I’m your teacher, have you forgotten that?” Donghyun said, urging Jeongmin and Hyunseong to follow him. “We’re going to get ready for school. You won’t miss a thing, and I’ll teach you everything after school, okay?”
“I’m still mad at you.”
Until Donghyun shut Seh Lyung’s door, his smile never faltered as he grabbed Hyunseong and Jeongmin by the ear, dragging them across the lonely hall. He ignored their little protests of unreal pain, as he had been suppressing his angry feelings for Seh Lyung’s sudden sickness since they discovered her fever. “Okay.” He sighed, trying to keep his composure. “Who forgot to remember Seh Lyung’s jacket?”
```
The three boys, Youngmin, Kwangmin and Minwoo were lazing around in their desks, talking about a Pokémon game they were playing last night and into the early hours of the morning. They seemed pretty entertained in their conversation when Donghyun walked into the room, looking as tense as ever.
Minwoo watched the way his hyung’s eyebrows lined down in a discerned manner. Being especially close to his leader, he wanted to be the first one to know what was going on.
“Please pass up your class pen pal letters while I take attendance.” He said curtly, holding up his roster.
No one dared to argue with him as he started calling out names.
“Seok Chaejin…” everyone who was called raised their hands respectively and said ‘here’. After a few more names came the infamous trio. “No Minwoo… Jo Youngmin… and Jo Kwangmin. Did I miss anyone?”
“Ano… teacher.” The class representative meekly raised her hand. “You forgot Kim Seh Lyung.”
Donghyun shook his head, as he collected the pen pal letters. “I’ve been informed earlier that Seh Lyung’s sick and will be out of school today.”
Youngmin and Kwangmin paled considerably, whilst Minwoo almost dropped his pencil. “Sick?” the three said in unison, their voices being unreasonably loud together.
Donghyun forced a smile, pretending to be a bit distant to his dongseangs. “The three musketeers, eh? As far as I’m concerned, it’s only a day illness.”
The twins both sighed in relief, but Minwoo was still considerably worried. “Has she had orange juice? Kimchi soup? Is her window closed properly?”
And although Kwangmin found it sweet that Minwoo still cared for Seh Lyung, Youngmin rolled his eyes. “I thought you were going to get over her.”
Donghyun glared slightly at the blond boy, noticing the apparent stab in his comment. Is Youngmin the reason why Minwoo’s being so difficult? “Okay guys, no more talking. We have to cover three chapters before lunch.” He announced shortly, returning to his desk.
A few hours later, Minwoo still didn’t look good, and it was considerably quieter since Seh Lyung wasn’t there. Jeongmin and Hyunseong kept a close eye on him, trying to eat their lunch. “I need to use the bathroom.” He announced, abandoning his food and walking out of the classroom without a second word.
“What?” Jeongmin muttered under his breath, leaning next to Hyunseong. “Did he have an oil leak or something?”
Hyunseong retorted his sarcasm coolly. “Just leave him alone.”
It took all of Jeongmin’s might not to say something along the lines of, “Now Seh Lyung’s sick and he only decides to speak now.”
Youngmin leaned his head over his hyungs, his desk bare. Once again, they skipped lunch. “What are you talking about, hyungs?” And before the two could come up with an excuse, the door opened, revealing a pretty girl. “Who’s that?” Youngmin asked, looking at the girl with curiosity… and possibly just checking her out.
It was Ji Eun’s friend from the library. She still looked the same, with her tall slender legs and her dark wavy hair. She was presumably from an upper class, as she had her back straight and proud. “She’s in our class.” Hyunseong clarified. They watched her place a stack of papers on Donghyun’s desk, and her eyes drifting off around the room.
Her eyes sparkled like diamonds when she finally found the person she was looking for.
“Kwangminnie!”
Youngmin, Hyunseong, and Jeongmin’s eyes drifted to the boy in question. He had been peacefully drawing pictures of food when his name was called. When he finally snapped out of his trance and looked up, the girl had already taken Minwoo’s seat.
His large eyes were wider than usual when he slowly asked, “Who are you?”
Though her smile never faltered as she continued to speak. “I’m your pen pal in the upper class.”
Another pause, as Kwangmin pressed the pencil he held to his chin, trying to jog his memory. “Lee Se Young…?”
She happily pressed her hands together, nodding eagerly. “Yes!”
“You’re Lee Se Young…” he clarified once again, still not believing his eyes. “I see…”
“You seem disappointed.” Se Young pouted. “Did you expect someone else?”
“Yep.” He replied bluntly, moving his brunette bangs to the side to get a better look. “I didn’t know you were a girl, let alone a queenka girl.”
“Are you trying to flirt with your sunbae?” she asked, even blushing a bit for good effect.
“No.” his voice was as crisp as autumn leaves, as he returned to doodling on his notebook. “I’m just stating things.”
Se Young’s classmate was calling her from the doorway. “We’ll just see about that~” she said playfully, getting up from her seat and running away.
When she finally left room 203, the four of them exchanged glances. Jeongmin had his arms crossed, his handsome features expressing annoyance. He didn’t even move as Youngmin poked his cheek. “Seh Lyung’s prettier.” He announced rather stubbornly.
Was that all he was concerned about? Kwangmin and Hyunseong broke into grins, nodding their heads in absolute approval. “Agreed.”
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Happy new year! I know, my smallest and shortest chapter, I'm sorry >.<
yeologist: Thanks! NYC was okayish. Every time I went pass Madison Square Garden I would think about how AHMAZING SMTOWN was.
Lilmisschique: Thanks! Don't worry about Hyunseong, because he won! Eheh.
youngminyeobo: A Youngmin fan! Yay! Ahaha, Youngmin's more prominent in future chapters, don't worry!
Rini6189: Thanks, you helping me correct my mistakes is making my life so much easier. Thank you so much, I'm going to take a day to correct everything in the future.
Superdbskjunior: Thank you :)
ELFyourface: Feeling the royal twin love~ ahaha. I promise to make a continuation someday.
ringgoB: The sequel to the special chapter will come soon, just wait!
B-HorromiChan: I love Jeongmin too, hehe. Well, either him or Minwoo. But my love for Minwoo was too strong so I decided to put him off so I wouldn't play favorites in this story, ahaha. Anyways, let's wish Jeongmin a happy birthday!
trish_042405: That's a relief. I mean, I don't mind you loving Kwangmin and all, I mean, what's not to love? But sometimes it's so difficult to uh... please everyone? XD I mean, they all want to see more of their biases but I really just want to express the love equally, ahaha. Happy new year!
janlauricebautista: That reminds me, I must close the poll! Ahaha~
ATTENTION... lalala.
I wanna give a New Years gift to one lucky reader. Hmm, the first person who comments and comments correctly will win my special prize!
Who is Lee Se Young and Seok Chaejin, and what are they famous for?
And after you answer the question, tell me your bias, sorry to say I've probably forgotten
Here's the great review I got :) I want to thank you, I'll try to improve and this will help me a lot in the future!
Author: sendohime
Genre(s): Romance, Fantasy
Brief Description: Kim Seh Lyung moves to the city with her uncle who is a professor. She didn't know that her uncle was also a scientist who wanted her to test out his latest creation. But it turns out he made more than one and now she's stuck with four robot boyfriends, and two sweet human neighbors.
Rated H: No
Reviewed By: Nom_Nom_Nom_ (A.K.A. Mini-Hyphen)
1. Title: [3.5/5 pts.]
The title’s interesting. It did catch my attention, since I’ve never seen “absolute” paired with “boyfriend” before. However, since there’s apparently a manga series called Absolute Boyfriend (which also seems to be the source of inspiration for your story), I can’t really give you full points for originality/creativity. In general, try not to title your stories with the same names as published pieces of literature (unless it’s purely coincidental).
2. Poster/Graphics/Background: [5/5 pts.]
I really like your poster. The black and white color scheme fits well, and the electrical circuits in the background really bring out the robot aspect of your story. I also like how the font used for “absolute” has a rugged, mechanical look. It contrasts nicely with the sweeter, more script-like font used for “boyfriend”.
Your background is pleasant as well. Many of the backgrounds I’ve seen on AFF are somewhat obnoxious and annoying to look at, but yours has a calming, elegant feel to it. It looks nice.
3. Foreword/Description: [7/10 pts.]
The foreword and description were okay. The format was good (brief description followed by short teaser), and I like how you didn’t give away too much of the plot. The phrasing was a bit awkward in some places, though, which didn’t really make me feel compelled to read your story. I think it would be much more appealing if you just changed some of the wording. Also, you were somewhat unclear in your foreword. Remember, the reader only knows as much as you write down. Even if you understand something in your head, the reader might not understand what you’re trying to say if you don’t explain clearly.
For example:
Professor K.Will creates the lovely prototypes of Boyfriend!
“Prototypes of Boyfriend” is vague and unclear, considering that the reader doesn’t know what “Boyfriend” is. Is it a band? A person? A cat? A lollipop? What is it?
You also never explicitly state that these ‘ideal boyfriends’ are robots and assume that the reader already knows this. Because of this, you introduce the idea that the boyfriends are robots in a semi-awkward way and smack the reader with it instead of introducing the idea naturally.
Professor K.Will's new program--creating the ideal boyfriend! Will the neighbors say anything? Will our robots be loved or loaned?
See, all you say is that K. Will’s program can create the ideal boyfriend. Then, boom, this random thing about “our robots” pops up and slams the reader in the face. There is nothing in the first two sentences indicating that the ideal boyfriends created by the program are robots, so your third sentence sounds abrupt and awkward.
By the way, you can probably combine the first five sentences of the foreword with your description; they basically say the same thing.
4. Plot: [22/30 pts]
The plot was kind of generic. As you probably already know, there are quite a few stories on AFF about robot boyfriends and whatnot. I do like how you put your own spin on it, though. I think it’s interesting that Seh Lyung only has four robot boyfriends (as opposed to six), and I liked the survey idea. You also had some very original events in your plot that made your story more appealing. I loved the scene with Jeongmin where he talks with Seh Lyung about the percentage of attention he was receiving—that was very unique, and for this reason, probably one of my favorite moments from your story.
However, the one-on-one dates in chapter 15 were lame... They weren’t really original. Cough. You know what I’m referring to…
To be honest, I started losing interest at around chapter nine. Half of your story (okay, maybe I’m exaggerating) consists of sleepovers with the Jo twins, so your story got boring pretty quickly. Try to change things up a bit more! Don’t rely on school and sleepovers as the only settings for your story. Doing so only makes your story sound repetitive and monotonous.
Additionally, the part where Minwoo leaves doesn’t really make sense. Seh Lyung doesn’t want Minwoo to leave because then she’ll miss him, but if she misses him he’ll come back and be annoying. But if he comes back and is annoying she’ll want him to leave again. Did I miss something here, or does that not make a whole lot of sense?
Also, you still haven’t explained Mr. Starship’s appearance (chapter 2). I’m not sure if you’re planning on elaborating on that part in the future, but it feels kind of out of place at the moment.
5. Flow: [2/5 pts.]
Your plot jumped around a lot, and you rushed many of your scenes. Try to work on connecting the different parts of your plot instead of just plopping each event down one after another. For example, you seemed to rush the transitions between different scenes. Try to develop these transitions a little more; it’ll make everything clearer to the reader, as well as help your story flow better.
Additionally, some of your sentences were written awkwardly, which really disrupted the flow. I’ll discuss this more later.
6. Characterization: [3/5 pts.]
Your characterizations for the different members of Boyfriend were all great. I liked the way you portrayed each character, from the responsible, leader-like Donghyun to the bubbly, child-like Minwoo. The biggest issue I had with characterization was with that of Seh Lyung, your main character. I found her a bit of a brat, as well as whiny, disrespectful, and shallow. She’s also a drama queen, and she blows things way out of proportion when her boyfriends go missing. One second, she’s irritated that she has to put up with her four annoying boyfriends, and the next, she’s angry with them because they go missing for a couple of hours.
I did like the way Seh Lyung realized having four boyfriends at the same time would make her look… bad. The stories where the main character has, like, six boyfriends annoy me.
Also, something else that bumps your characterization score down is the fact that all six of the boys like Seh Lyung. I can understand the program-generated “boyfriends”. Here, since the absolute boyfriends are programmed to like Seh Lyung, I can understand if all four of them like her. But adding Youngmin and Kwangmin into the equation is kind of excessive. Unless they’re programmed to like Seh Lyung, they shouldn’t fall in love with her too. This makes her character seem unrealistic.
Anyway, I feel I was a bit harsh here comment-wise. Your characterizations were actually pretty decent on the whole. I’m not saying Seh Lyung was always bratty and whiny, but she was in quite a few places. Work on that, and I think you could really improve your overall characterization. I really liked the characterizations of your other characters, and especially loved the uncle’s personality.
7. Grammar/Spelling: [14/20 pts.]
It wasn’t too bad, but you did make quite a few mistakes. I don’t really want to take the time to go back and point out each and every one of them, and I’m sure you don’t want me to either (but if you do, tell me and I’ll do it for the first couple of chapters), so I’ve just picked out whichever ones I feel like discussing.
Anyway, I think your main problem is that you have all these awkwardly phrased sentences that seem to be caused by your misusage of commas or general lack of understanding of grammar.
Lady Comma is actually working on a writing guide write now, so maybe it’ll help with this kind of thing once it comes out? I’ll try to explain this comma thing to you for now, though. I’m not sure if I’ll be any good, so I apologize if I don’t make any sense.
Let’s take this sentence:
She wanted to call her parents, she missed them a lot.
Here, you have two independent clauses.
You can’t just join two independent clauses together with a comma, though. It just doesn’t work.
An independent clause is a clause that can stand alone; if it were by itself, it would make sense.
She wanted to call her parents. Makes sense, so it’s an independent clause.
She missed them a lot. Also makes sense by itself. Independent clause.
To join two independent clauses, use a comma and a conjunction (for, and, nor, but, or, yet, so), or use a semi-colon. Like so:
She wanted to call her parents, for she missed them a lot.
Or:
She wanted to call her parents; she missed them a lot.
Or, you can turn the second independent clause into a dependent clause by adding “because” in front of it.
She wanted to call her parents because she missed them a lot.
If you add “because” to the second clause, it is no longer independent. Why? “Because” isn’t a conjunction, so your clause is “because she missed them a lot”. Since this doesn’t make sense by itself and wouldn’t be able to function as its own sentence, this clause is a dependent clause.
An independent clause followed by a dependent clause does not require a comma, so no comma there.
In general, you seem to overuse commas or use them without conjunctions; take a look at that.
Here’s another sentence that was just… awkward.
Being respectful as possible, as much as it looked like she wanted to know what was that room for, she turned her head and walked upstairs.
This sentence doesn’t really make sense grammatically. Here, “being respectful as possible” modifies “as much as it looked like she wanted to know what was that room for”. How does that work? It doesn’t. Which is why your sentence doesn’t really make sense. Instead, this sentence could be written like this:
As much as she wanted to know what the room was for, instead of (turning the doorknob/asking her uncle), Seh Lyung turned away and walked upstairs, trying not to be disrespectful.
You were also unclear in some parts.
Sure, it made her feel better. Someone calling her the most perfect girl in the world, but it was difficult considering this was a first.
I basically don’t understand the entire second half of the second sentence. What was difficult? First what? Like I pointed out in the foreword, even though something might make sense to you, it won’t necessarily make sense to the reader. I really have no idea what you’re trying to say here.
The second sentence is also kind of awkward, which doesn’t help with clarity.
“I’m still confused.” She said bluntly, finishing off the last fork she had to dry, considering that there was only the two of them in the house.
I don’t understand this sentence. “Considering that there was only the two of them in the house”
should be explaining something. Based on your sentence structure, it would be explaining why she is talking bluntly while finishing off the last fork she had to dry. But that doesn’t make sense. She speaks bluntly and finishes drying off a fork because there are only two people in the house? That doesn’t really explain anything. I don’t know if you were trying to say that since there were only two people in the house, Seh Lyung had to help her uncle wash dishes, but if that’s what you were trying to say, it was unclear.
Also, this sentence is phrased awkwardly in general. I would just make the “considering” part a whole new sentence.
The considering part is also grammatically incorrect.
“considering that there was only the two of them in the house.”
Dependent clause, yes? It doesn’t make sense by itself.
Anyway, you use “was” here but should really be using “were”. “Two” indicates plurality; therefore, you should use “were”. Watch out for this; you make a lot of errors with plurality.
The clause still sounds awkward, though, so I would change the wording of it to something like:
“Considering that they were the only two people in the house…”
Here’s a mistake where you misuse pronouns. You did this in your foreword as well, so I’m putting this in.
Professor K.Will asked, ignoring her niece’s question.
Simple mistake here. K. Will’s niece, so his niece, not her.
Here’s another awkward sentence.
He extended his hand, and Minwoo gave a few seconds of staring before shaking his hand.
You tend to do this type of thing a lot. Instead of saying “Minwoo gave a few seconds of staring”, be more direct: “Minwoo stared for a few seconds”.
The “gave” is completely unnecessary. It also makes your sentence sound awkward and somewhat simple.
Her uncle walked over to one of the closed capsules and knocked on it, then checking the data of whatever was inside.
Here, your sentence isn’t parallel, so it’s awkward to read. By not parallel, I mean the verb forms don’t match up. Take a look at your verbs:
Walked. Past tense.
Knocked. Past tense.
Checking. Past te—no. Wait a second...
There’s an easy fix, though. Just make “checking” past tense. Checked. Done!
Alternatively, replace “then” with “before” and get rid of the comma. You won’t have to do anything to “checking” if you do this (and to be honest, I don’t really know why. Maybe it’s because “before” indicates a different time frame, so the verb that follows doesn’t have to be in the same tense? I don’t know. x_x).
Her uncle walked over to one of the closed capsules and knocked on it before checking the data of whatever was inside.
She sent a glance at Minwoo, who was giving her a knowing smile, and winked.
This is also structured incorrectly. I think. Unless Seh Lyung has a random change in character?
It seems to me that what you’re trying to say is that Minwoo is the one who does the winking. Instead, however, it sounds like Seh Lyung is the one who winks. Only the stuff in commas modifies Minwoo. The “and winked” is outside of the commas, though, so your sentence ends up describing Seh Lyung as the one who does the winking. Structure it like this, instead:
She sent a glance at Minwoo, who gave her a knowing smile and winked.
I changed “was giving” to “gave” to make your sentence parallel.
Also, the “sent a glance” thing here is another example of wordiness. Though it’s not too awkward here, you can still make the sentence better by being more direct.
She glanced at Minwoo, who gave her a knowing smile and winked.
Your verb tense was mostly okay, but you did make a couple of errors. Here’s one:
“What?” She forgot about that.
Here, you should use “had forgotten” instead of just using “forgot”. She didn’t forget right at that moment; she had forgotten beforehand, so use “had forgotten”.
She’d forgotten about that.
You also accidentally used present tense a couple of times, so be careful of that.
So, can me and Youngmin still come over today?
Bleh. Everyone does this sometime, so I thought I’d point it out.
Should be “can Youngmin and I”.
You can tell by taking away “Youngmin”. If you do, you’re left with “Can I still come over today?”
Makes sense? Yes. Sentence is correct.
But, if you do the same for your original sentence, you’re left with “Can me still come over today?”
Makes sense? No. Sentence is incorrect.
I’m just going to point out one last thing. This grammar section is getting way too long.
In-fact, they both looked the same, above the fact one twin, (if you looked close enough) seemed a bit more feminine-featured.
You use “above the fact” quite a bit in your story.
Problem is, “above the fact” is not grammatically correct. Use “aside from the fact”, or “besides the fact”.
As for the rest of the sentence, get rid of the hyphens. And “featured” is unnecessary. Okay, done!
8. Overall Enjoyment/Entertainment: [14/20 pts.]
Hmm. Overall, it was okay. On the plus side, I really liked your characterizations for most of your characters, and your moments of humor were enjoyable to read. You also had some pretty original ideas.
However, there are two main things weighing down this score. The first is Seh Lyung’s characterization. Like I said before, she came off as a bit of a brat to me, and I didn’t sympathize with her at all. This might have to do with her acting younger than her age should indicate. She acts like a twelve year old, yet she’s in high school. That didn’t work for me at all.
The second thing that brought this score down was your awkward phrasing. It destroyed the flow, and it might have added to what I saw as Seh Lyung’s immaturity. It also made your story more difficult to read and caused me to take it less seriously. It seems like you’re a native English speaker based on the author’s notes at the bottom of your chapters, so… try to pay more attention to your grammar and phrasing. It would really help make your story better.
Comments/Feedback: I never really got to talk about your writing style, which is something I like to talk about.
Aside from the awkward phrasing, it was... a bit plain. I felt your writing was very simple; you tended to use simple verbs such as “put” and “get”, and your word choice was a bit strange in some places. I felt like you used some words incorrectly. For example, “taunt”—you used it in chapter 1—has a condescending sort of feel to it, but you used it to describe something Seh Lyung said to her uncle. I think a better word would have been “tease”; “taunt” makes Seh Lyung seem disrespectful (so it may have been partially due to your word choice that Seh Lyung came off as bratty to me). Also, in chapter 15, you wrote “laughing soon ensured”. I think what you meant to say was that laughing soon “ensued”. “Ensured” means “guaranteed”, but “ensued” means “resulted”. Though spelled similarly, the two words have very different meanings. Make sure you fully understand the meanings of the words you’re using. If you don’t, Google them or something.
I also want to point out that your story is mainly written in third-person POV. Keep that in mind. You sometimes slip into first person when writing out Seh Lyung’s thoughts. Try to stay in third-person; Your story is more effective that way.
I hope my review wasn’t too long—it came out about twice as long as I intended it to be. Sorry about that. I also hope that this was at least somewhat helpful to you. Your story wasn’t bad, really; I think you just need to work on phrasing and vocabulary. I apologize if this review is harsh, and I really hope it doesn’t discourage you. I think you have the potential to be a great writer; just work on the issues I’ve pointed out.
Thanks for requesting from Lady Comma’s Reviews & Recommendations!
Total: [70.5/100]
*Please always remember that if you make changes, or add to your story, you can always request for another review to better your score. Just send in another application, and we’ll get back with you as soon as possible.*
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