NINE

Jaejoong felt as if he was falling to pieces. He was used to dealing with situations where other people were hurtful to him where he could withdraw into his own world, taking his pain out on a blank notebook page and singing the words of his grief. But now that he was the one responsible for someone else's pain, he didn't know what to do. He couldn't meet Yunho's eyes as they dealt with the customers who came when the sky brightened up in the mid afternoon, and he couldn't keep calm, either. Whenever he handed a customer change for their order, his hands would shake so badly that it wouldn't land properly in their palms, and actually handling the vegetables themselves was out of the question since his nerves were making his hands both sweaty and clumsy. Why did he have to see us then, of all times?, Jaejoong wondered, wrapping his arms protectively around himself. If we hadn't been holding hands, he wouldn't have gotten as mad, and I could have been able to explain it better. Why can't I think of anything to say that won't just make it worse?

He felt a hand on his shoulder, disrupting his thoughts. He glanced back at Yunho. His eyes were devoid of the icy anger that had turned Jaejoong's blood cold, but they were hardly happy. If anything, they looked a bit sad, as if the reality of what he'd seen his friend and ex-girlfriend doing had finally hit him. Jaejoong could barely stand to look at them.

Yunho released a long sigh and squeezed Jaejoong's shoulder. “This isn't going to be like last time,” he said stiffly. “We're not going to avoid each other, we're going to talk.”

“We were-”

“I don't mean now. When we get home. So please stop being anxious for now.” Yunho dropped his hand away, and turned his face aside. “If anything, I'm the one who should feel bad,” he muttered. “I acted like a jerk.”

“No, you weren't...” Jaejoong bit his lips. He couldn't claim to be the bad guy either, since comforting Minhee had been the only kindness he could do her. And he couldn't blame Minhee either, not anymore. She had acted based on how she'd felt, and if she had deliberately wanted to be hurtful to Yunho, she wouldn't have waited until he wasn't around on both occasions she'd talked to Jaejoong. No one had done anything wrong, but still they had wound up paining each other in different ways.

“Yeah, I was.” Yunho's forehead wrinkled. “You're the one who should be mad at me. I wouldn't blame you.”

“Why would I be mad at you?”

“For the same reason you were mad at me a few days ago. For getting in your way.” He ground the toe of his shoe into the dirt. “Look, I know I upset you, but we can't let it get in the way of work right now. Get some water and take a short break and let's just get the rest of this over with, okay?”

Jaejoong nodded, wiping his sweaty hands on his jeans. A break was exactly what he needed. His thoughts were all over the place, and he was sure that when he and Yunho did talk about it later, he would just spew out stupid excuses to protect himself rather than anything honest. And he couldn't afford to lie and think only of himself when Yunho's feelings were involved. And Minhee's, too. She's the real reason he's upset, not you.

Yunho only confirmed it when Jaejoong turned to leave. He grabbed his wrist, holding it in his hands for a moment, oblivious to its racing pulse. “If you see her,” he said, his face suddenly hard again, “just please don't talk to her right now. Not until we talk.”

Jaejoong nodded. He was sure Minhee was worried about him after seeing Yunho's expression herself, but now wasn't the time. He could only hope she'd already gone home by now, though there was a chance she'd gone back to talk to Junsu, which would mean he and Yoochun would know by now what happened...

Instead of going to get water, Jaejoong walked to the fringes of the market where a small bench was set up for resting shoppers or children tired after following around their mothers all day. He settled into the seat and blankly watched the people walking around. A couple stopped by a trinket booth nearby where he was sitting and purchased two matching bracelets. He watched the boy winding it around the girl's wrist, grinning as she stretched out her arm and admired it. Was love this straightforward for everyone but him? Or would even these seemingly worry-free lovebirds be struck by it too, the feeling that loving someone is the hardest, most heart rending and painful, most inexplicably beautiful thing you'd ever do?

He was still staring fixedly at the couple when Yoochun sat down beside him. Instead of saying anything at first, he put an arm around Jaejoong's shoulder and gave him what would have been a comforting pat if it hadn't been strong enough to rattle Jaejoong's slender frame.

“So you turned Minhee down,” he said. “You realize you could have just done that in the first place before Yunho got involved?”

“I didn't know that she'd asked me in the first place,” Jaejoong said blackly. “I was a jealous idiot.”

“And so is he. Seems like you're still as perfect for each other as ever.”

Jaejoong glared at him. “Yunho is furious about me over Minhee, and that's the best you can manage?”

“Guys don't get furious about girls they aren't interested in. Did you ever consider that he's furious with Minhee over you?”

“He wasn't being upfront about Minhee with you, but she had to have meant more to him than you realized. Did you know she told him that she'd get back together with him if he worked on his music properly and impressed her?”

“No,” Yoochun admitted. “But how exactly is that valid anymore? She likes you.”

“But Yunho didn't know that, and he's been working hard all this time...”

“Hyung, Yunho has always been like that. Before Minhee, and even before you. Haven't you figured out what he goes out to do everyday yet?”

“He said he'd show me himself before the end of the summer, so I haven't bothered.”

“Fine. But as someone who knew Yunho before and after he dated Minhee, I can confirm that the only thing that changed about him after he and Minhee broke up was that he really wanted to fall in love for real with the next person he dated. Everything else that changed about his passion for music changed when he met you.”

Jaejoong looked at Yoochun with a half smile. “It means so much that you believe in me, Yoochun ah. But when you're like me, you can't just assume that every little kindness means what you want it to mean. Yunho is a great friend, and I'm grateful that he's looked after me so well since I came here. But assuming anything more than that is dangerous. I'm not like Minhee or any other girl. I can't give him anything but myself, and someone like me can only bring him trouble.”

“I don't know about Yunho hyung, but I'd rather have a little bit of trouble than not get to be with the person I loved at all.” Yoochun stood up and ruffled Jaejoong's hair as if he was the hyung and Jaejoong a child. “I know I can't convince you by myself, hyung. If anyone's going to change your mind, it would have to be Yunho, and even then... I'm sure even then you'd want to hesitate, and I understand that. You have your own happiness and safety to protect. But think about what I said, and stop putting yourself down so much. You talk like being able to give someone yourself is a bad thing.”

Isn't it, though?, Jaejoong wondered, watching Yoochun walk away. I'm really pathetic, aren't I, if someone I met only a month ago has more faith in me than I've ever had in myself?

He rose to his feet, just as clueless about what to do as when he first sat down. He wrapped his arms around himself, looking deep into the market where the couple he'd been watching earlier were now spending the rest of their money on groceries. How did you get to be that happy, he wondered? Everyone started at Point A, but how did they ever reach Point B? The way to get there is different for everyone, so how did they know where to go and what to do, and when would he be able to figure out his own way forward?

We have to talk first. We may not want to hear what the other has to say, but for now, that's all we can do.

0o0

Yunho didn't prolong his misery by going out for his accustomed disappearance after work, skipping out for the third day in a row. Instead, he took Jaejoong to his room, set his guitar and Jaejoong's notebook aside so they wouldn't hide behind anything else until they had said all they needed to say, and sat down on the bed, clenching both of his fists to his side.

“So you two are going out now” was the first thing he said. His voice was defeated; during the hours they had needed to work after he'd first seen Jaejoong together with Minhee, his anger and frustration must have hollowed out into resignation. Just as Jaejoong had been prepared to do, he was thinking he needed to be the one to step down for the sake of someone else's happiness.

“No, we're not,” Jaejoong said, sitting down beside him on the bed. “She confessed to me, but I said I couldn't.”

“Couldn't. Because she's my ex-girlfriend. I don't think I ever told you that, but I'm sure Junsu or Yoochun or Changmin did. That's why you turned her down. Because you thought saying 'yes' would be disrespectful to me.” Yunho frowned. “I shouldn't have made you feel like that. You like her, so you should just go ahead and date her, if that's what you really want. Forget about me.”

“I never said I liked her-”

“No, but your songs... I can tell that they meant something. And there's the fact that you hid from me that she confessed to you a few days ago. Junsu was the one who told me when I asked him why you might have been angry with me. You were mad because you found someone you liked, and she wound up being someone I used to date.”

“I didn't tell you because I didn't realize she was trying to confess to me,” Jaejoong said quickly. “I misunderstood! It wasn't until today that I figured it out, and I turned her down-”

“And that was still my fault! If it wasn't for me, you would of-”

“Stop interrupting me when I'm trying to tell you that it isn't like that!” Jaejoong yelled, throwing a pillow at Yunho's face. “Yeah, I knew she was your ex-girlfriend. I knew that awhile ago. But even though I knew you still liked her, that isn't why I turned her down. I'm not interested in her that way. I'm sure she's a nice girl and all if you went out with her, but I never felt that way, not even for a second!”

Yunho tossed the pillow aside and studied him. “You were holding hands.”

“She was upset! I wouldn't have let her do that if I knew you were standing there.”

“See? Because you're so aware of the fact that I used to have a relationship with her, that's why you think you don't feel that way about her, but that's what it has to be, even if you don't realize it. The words in your songs, the way you got mad at me after you met for the first time, the way you looked at her this afternoon...”

“I wasn't looking at her specially! It was just because I felt bad that I had misunderstood her, and I wanted to at least apologize after turning her down because I know something like that is hard to deal with.” He glared at Yunho. “What about you? You're getting all defensive, but do you actually want me to date her? She was your girlfriend!”

“Absolutely not!” Yunho's voice was also rising in volume, which made Jaejoong grateful that Auntie Minjung was at the market rather than at home for the night. “That would be the worst, how could I possibly want that?” He winced, turning sharply away from Jaejoong. “I mean... if that had been what you really wanted... I would have tried to be okay with it... but...”

He really does love her, Jaejoong thought sadly. He was trying not to show it for my sake, but if he didn't care about her anymore, he wouldn't have said that.

“Well isn't it good that it isn't that way, then?” Jaejoong said tiredly. “You should talk to Minhee honestly about it rather than try to pretend you're okay with the fact that she wanted to go out with me. If she was interested in you before, it's not like it's impossible for you to get back together.”

“Get back together?” Yunho echoed. “We broke up. If I wanted to be together, I wouldn't have asked her to break up.”

“What? Didn't she break up with you?”

“Did she tell you that?”

“No, but I assumed-”

“She told me that if we wanted to date, I'd have to spend time with her like a proper boyfriend. And she was right to ask that, because what I was doing to her wasn't good. It was selfish. And because I could still be that selfish, I knew I wasn't in love with her, so I told her what I was doing and why I didn't want to stop. I said it would be best to break up. Minhee agreed, and she added that little bit about getting back together because she must have felt bad over the whole thing, but I told her not to bother because she deserved to find someone better. I didn't know that would mean you.” Yunho said the last bit resentfully.

And why the hell did you and Minhee never say this to Junsu or Yoochun or Changmin so they could have explained this to me and I wouldn't have had to go through all that emotional over the past few days? Instead of saying as much, he reached over and grabbed the pillow again and threw it at Yunho's face full force.

“If you don't like her, WHY THE HELL ARE YOU GETTING PISSED OFF AT ME?” Jaejoong yelled. He'd spent so much time moping that it felt good to finally get thoroughly angry, even if it was at the idiot he'd fallen in love with.

“I'M NOT PISSED OFF AT YOU.” Yunho threw the pillow back at him.

“YOU ONLY GLARED HOLES INTO ME FOR TOUCHING YOUR EX FOR FUN, HUH?” The pillow sailed back.

“I DIDN'T...” Yunho paused, catching the pillow. “That... fine, I was mad.”

“Then doesn't that mean you like Minhee still?”

“No...” Yunho stared down at his hands, as if he'd never seen them before. “But you're right, I shouldn't have gotten that mad.”

“You apologized for being a jerk already. You don't have to do it again.”

“No, but I shouldn't have gotten that mad,” Yunho repeated. “Why...?”

“Why what?”

“Why was I that mad? It's like I can't even remember anymore. The blood rushed to my head.”

“Anyone would get mad if they saw someone they used to be with getting close to someone else,” Jaejoong muttered. “Especially someone who's supposed to be their friend.”

“Supposed to be their friend,” Yunho echoed. He stared at Jaejoong. “Is... is that so?”

They gazed at each other uneasily for a few seconds. Jaejoong wasn't sure what to make of any of it. Minhee didn't love Yunho, and Yunho didn't love her. But he had still gotten angry over the thought of Minhee and Jaejoong together. Didn't that mean either he was incredibly mistaken about his lack of feelings for Minhee, or that Yoochun was right, and he was angry at Minhee over Jaejoong and not the other way around?

He couldn't read anything on Yunho's face. He didn't look angry or upset or in love, just confused, and for his part, Jaejoong didn't feel any more certain. His guess was that it was just an instinctual reaction based on the fact that Yunho felt weird seeing another guy with his ex-girlfriend, but the fact that Yunho didn't even accept that fully as an explanation made him wonder.

Yunho threw his pillow back at Jaejoong. “Can we really stop fighting for real, please, please please? I know it was my fault this time, but I still hate it.”

“We're not doing it intentionally.”

“But we're the ones still not telling each other things and then getting into these misunderstandings. What's so hard about being honest?”

“Everything.”

“Right...” Yunho stood up and plopped down at his desk in front of his computer. “I can't think right now properly. I'm going to work some more on Mine now until my head stops hurting.”

“Fine. I need to go down and cook dinner, anyways.”

“Yeah.” Yunho stared at his computer screen as it booted up. He still looked like he was in an incredible daze. Jaejoong didn't know what to do or say anymore, so he could only hope that the song would be able to settle Yunho down somehow.

As for him, cooking usually calmed him down, too, but today it was no good. His hands were shaking all over again, so he didn't want to cut anything up and potentially hurt himself. He threw some noodles into a pot instead and stirred them wearily, adding some seasoning in here and there. It wouldn't be particularly good, but it would at least be better than Auntie Minjung's cooking.

If he loved me, how would I even know?, Jaejoong wondered. What is love, anyways? It's not like I understand it either...

He heard music from upstairs and started humming under his breath. “Do you know what love is?” he sang to the boiling pot of noodles. “No, actually I don't even know, I just don't know.” Maybe he could write a song about that, instead? The lyrics for his unfinished song were still in his mind, but he couldn't bring himself to write them down. Yunho knew now that they weren't about Minhee, so wouldn't he begin to guess who they were really about if he continued to recognize how real they were?

We're only going to keep misunderstanding if I can't tell him the truth, Jaejoong realized. What's the worst that could happen? I'm going home at the end of the end of the summer, anyways, so maybe then...

That would take courage, though, and he was running a bit low on that these days. He felt envious of Minhee who had the audacity to confess to two guys she had liked, even if it hadn't gone well for her. Where did she get resolve like that? He almost wished he could talk to her again and ask, but he doubted Yunho would have a good response to that, and it would only be rubbing salt in Minhee's wound if he asked her for that kind of advice.

“I don't even know,” he cooed to the noodles. “I keep searching for you, running, walking, but I'm in the same place.”

He could faintly hear his voice singing upstairs on Yunho's computer. Maybe it was better just to focus on that instead. Yunho was serious about helping him audition, so he wanted to give that his all. If he could fill an album with the songs they had worked on together, maybe that was the best expression of love he could give.

When they were done cooking, he ladled the noodles into a bowl and dug around the cupboards for some snacks to make up for the lack of a side dish. He could only hope Yunho's appetite today was as light as his, and that he wouldn't care about how scant the meal was.

Jaejoong put everything on a tray and headed back upstairs. Before going into the room again, he lingered in the hallway, listening to his voice. He thought Yunho would pause it every once in awhile to add background effects or toy with the sound, but he didn't. He just kept playing the song, and when he finished, he would play it again.

Jaejoong tentatively stepped into the room. Yunho was staring at the computer screen, not moving. It was like he was looking into an abyss, almost, with how single mindedly he was lost. Jaejoong wanted to reach out to him, but for the millionth time, he wasn't sure what he needed to do, or what was going on in Yunho's head in the first place.

He set down the tray by Yunho, and Yunho finally looked up. Their eyes met, and Jaejoong could feel his heart pounding, but he still didn't know what to do. He simply looked back, loving him dearly, quietly, in the safety of his weak heart.

"Do you know what love is?
No, actually I don't even know
I just don't know
My heart is hot, it's beating and I keep on crying
What should I do?
Should I go to you and kneel before you?
I don't even know
I keep searching for you, running, walking
But I'm in the same place"