DON'T SAY GOODBYE

“You turned nineteen last month, right?” Jaejoong asked, pulling out his ID. Even though Chansik could easily pass for being older than him, he had to be extra careful. He'd put on a pair of chunky fashion glasses to partially disguise his face, but still if anyone recognized him, he couldn't be spotted providing alcohol to minors, particularly a minor who was on track to become an idol.

“Yeah, no worries. I can drink just fine.”

“You don't get drunk easily, or anything?”

“Who knows? I haven't had much time to get drunk since my birthday. How about you, hyung?”

“Let's just say that I won't make it a point to get drunk today,” Jaejoong said, grabbing a booth at the very back of the bar. “If I'm going to be talking with Yunho later, I don't want to be sloppy.” Plus, I usually wind up kissing people when I get drunk, and I don't want to be giving you any wrong ideas.

A waiter dropped by their table, and they ordered a pitcher of beer to share. Luckily, he didn't seem to recognize Jaejoong and didn't ask for IDs from either of them, so their identity could stay safe. The bar was pretty much empty, in any case. It was the afternoon during the work week, and even the university students would most likely still be in class.

"You okay now?" Jaejoong asked, tipping their pitcher to fill up Chansik's glass.

"Why wouldn't I be okay?" Chansik asked testily. "Telling that made me feel better."

"But you do realize that you told him off for doing absolutely nothing, don't you?"

"He's done plenty." Chansik drank from his glass despondently. “Never mind that. Hyung, I've never asked, but what do you like so much about Yunho hyung, anyways? He just seems like such a dumb person to fall in love with.”

“What's that supposed to mean?”

“That kind of person is also going to have other people surrounding him. If you're worried about him and Sung Dami-ssi right now, won't you be worrying about him for the rest of your career? Women will always be trying to eat him up. Won't it be too much of a pain to constantly think about what will happen if one of them does snatch him up?”

Jaejoong stared into the amber liquid of his glass. “I know that,” he said, sighing. “And I have been thinking that, a lot lately. Half the time, I don't even understand what he's doing with me in the first place. Or if someone who seems like he's so much more than me can really love me forever.” He glanced up at Chansik. “But if I keep thinking this way, I really will lose him, won't I? If I don't think I'm someone he can love, one day he won't anymore. So if I want to hold onto him, I have to believe in the feelings he has for me. That's all I can do. And that's why I have to tell him.” He reminded himself of the look on Yunho's face when he'd pulled away from his touch. “I can't keep making him miserable by not trusting him.”

Chansik took a long sip of his drink. “I used to hate it, you know. Watching the two of you together.”

“I know. I'm sorry.”

“Don't be. I've been a jerk about it enough to where you don't have to apologize.” He cleared his throat. “I didn't have a good time in school. Actually, that's part of the reason why I wanted to be an idol in the first place. To get out. And because rapping was the only thing I did that made me feel good about myself. Even when I was in grade school, I was the size of a giraffe compared to everyone else. I was always tripping over things and was absolute crap at sports, even basketball. I was bigger than everyone else, but somehow I was the one who got bullied the most. I don't think I actually had a friend I even liked before I joined C&M.” He smiled sadly. “I guess you were for me what Yunho hyung was for you. You were different for me from Seungmin ah and Yunho hyung. You didn't have the same magnetic personality, but there was something so warm about you that I wanted to have. So when I found out Yunho hyung would have that part of you the most out of anyone... it was hard for me, who didn't have anyone else.”

“It isn't that way now, though,” Jaejoong said carefully. “You do have someone.”

“Shinwon ah,” Chansik said, his voice thick with disgust. “Having someone like that, is that supposed to make me happy? Does he really even think of me as a friend, or just someone he can pick on when he's bored?”

“You said you were bullied in school. But doesn't the way he pick on you feel different? Like it's not because he hates you, but because of something different?”

“Something different?”

“Ah, well...” Jaejoong fished around in his mind. It wasn't his business to confess on Shinwon's behalf, so he couldn't say so outright. “You know how Changmin ah acts around Junsu ah? It's not that he teases him because he hates Junsu, but because he feels really comfortable around him. That's just his way of showing it. Don't you think it's the same for Shinwon ah?”

“I don't feel close to him at all,” Chansik said crossly, downing the last of his glass and refilling it. “We've known each other for about two years now. He's always making me do things with him and coming home with me after practice without my permission. He's always dangling off of me and being annoying. But I don't think I really know anything about him. He doesn't talk to me about anything important. He's probably told more to his Hyungchul friend in these past few weeks than he has to me in two years.”

“I bet you know plenty about him,” Jaejoong said, smiling. “I'm 100% sure that if you've been hanging around him for the past years, you know all the trivial stuff about his favorite food and sleeping habits, and even if that kind of thing doesn't matter to you, you don't need a person to tell you things outright to understand who they are. I mean, I never told you 'Chansik ah, I may not be a people magnet, but I really do have a warm personality'. You figured that out on your own. There are things you know about Shinwon ah like that, probably better than anyone else.”

“Yeah, like he's an infuriating bastard.” Chansik took another long drink, looking ticked off. “And a tart. Like what the hell is up with the kind of attitude where he's always flipping that long hair of his and dressing in tight clothes and throwing himself on everyone? Who is he trying to seduce?"

“Who indeed?” Jaejoong asked. “Uh, Chansik ah, shouldn't you slow down on the drinking?”

“Why? I'm not going to get drunk.” He took another swig. “Seriously though, what's the point of being like that? If he's trying to get attention...” His cheeks flushed. “Why would he need attention? Whenever he wants to do something, I'll take him. If he runs out of money, I'll buy him lunch even if it means I have to put up with watching his stupid aegyo. And it's not like I'm like that stupid friend of his, who's only interested in him again because he's a trainee and is going to be famous. Or maybe he just liked that outfit Shinwon ah was wearing to your shoot. Whatever. If Shinwon ah prefers that kind of person as a friend, I don't care. It's nothing to me.”

In spite of his protests, Chansik sounded like he was on the verge of wanting to get very drunk. Jaejoong dumped the rest of the pitcher into his own glass to keep Chansik from taking any more, even though he didn't think he could finish it by himself if he didn't want to be buzzed himself when he talked to Yunho later. He glanced at his watch. It was getting closer to evening now. More people were starting to stream into the bar. He wondered if Yunho had finished up with Dami by now, but even if he was, Jaejoong didn't feel like he could leave Chansik in the mood he was in.

“I'm so sick of it,” Chansik said, his voice getting louder. “Who does he think he is? If he wants to be close to someone else, he should leave me alone. It's not like I want him around all the time. He's no one special. He's not like you.”

“Maybe not,” Jaejoong murmured. “But I don't remember you being this badly off when I had someone I liked more. Then again, you were underage back then.”

“Chansik hyung?” another voice called out. “Is that you?”

Jaejoong turned around, forcing his fashion lenses closer to his face, as if that could mask him completely. But to his surprise, the face he saw was a familiar one, though one he hadn't seen in awhile. His handsome features had matured, and he was a good head or so taller than he had been the last time Jaejoong had seen him, but the person approaching their table was unmistakably Seungmin, their old groupmate.

Seungmin's face broke out into a grin. “It is you. I wouldn't mistake that voice anywhere. And Jaejoong hyung? I thought it would be awhile before I saw you anywhere else but TV. Can I sit with you for awhile?”

“Seungmin ah?” Chansik asked, dazedly. “What are you doing here? You're too young to drink.”

“I'm not here for that,” he said quickly. “I'm here with some of the other trainees in my company, who are old enough. I just ordered water. But it's been much longer since I've seen either of you, so I'd like to chat, if that's okay.” He glanced over at Jaejoong. “I've been monitoring you all the time, hyung. Your TRI-ANGLE promotions were so good. I've got them on my DVR, and we watch them over at the company all the time. I wish I had stuck around at C&M to meet Junsu and Yoochun-ssi. If you have more of those kinds of friends in your circle, I bet Hyunsoo nim will never have to host auditions again!”

“You should come hang out some time,” Jaejoong said. “I'd introduce you to them, if you wanted.”

“No, it's all right. I'd prefer to meet them onstage. The people at my new company still can't believe I used to train with you and Yunho hyung, and even Changmin hyung for awhile. In fact, if I told them you were over here, they'd probably mob you, so I'll keep it quiet for now.”

The waiter stopped by their table, and before Jaejoong could stop him, Chansik ordered more beer. Seungmin looked over at him with a raised eyebrow. “Will he be fine?”

“It's debatable.”

“I'll have you know that I am not drunk,” Chansik insisted. “I'm just... really thirsty.”

“Suuuure,” Seungmin said, rolling his eyes. “You debuting anytime soon, hyung?”

“Within the year, Hyunsoo nim says,” Jaejoong said quickly, sparing Chansik the burden of answering. “How about you?”

“About the same. We'll have to avoid coinciding with the debut from your company. C&M's a big deal now, thanks to you and Starkiss. By the way, you're not dating Soorin noona, are you?”

“No,” Jaejoong said, sighing. “Please tell me there aren't still rumors about that.”

“Not really. Most of your fangirls are actually convinced you have a secret love affair with Yunho hyung, but now that Soorin noona is more normal, some people have been wondering. I just remembered you two were close back when I was in the company, too.”

“In a manner of speaking.” All the more reason why I need to prevent Dami from leaking those photos. People may actually believe it now.

“Oh, and in case you were wondering, I managed to get over Saehee noona just fine. My company doesn't have a girl group in residence, so I've gotten better about keeping my head. Actually, there's this girl I kind of like in my class this year, but I don't know how that would work out. Don't most celebrities date celebrities?”

“You should date who you like and hope for the best whether they're famous or not,” Jaejoong pointed out. “Still, you should be careful either way. Rookies are better off belonging to their music and their fans.” Not that I'm one to talk. He took a gulp of his beer. There really was no point in going easy on it now. If Seungmin was with them now, it would be late by time they wrapped up, probably too late to hunt down Yunho and talk to him about something as important as what Sung Dami was trying to do to them, particularly since they were pre-recording their first stage for Rising Sun the next evening. He couldn't afford to get drunk because of his schedules the next day, but he could at least get a little buzzed and enjoy catching up with Seungmin.

The three of them sat around talking for an hour-- or at least Jaejoong and Seungmin talked and Chansik drank. Seungmin finally took their pitcher and offered it to an older couple the next booth over, telling them it was on the house. Chansik protested, but calmed down when he started looking a little green. Finally, he gave up and rested his head on the table, muttering something or another, probably about Shinwon, under his breath.

Seungmin glanced at the clock hanging over the bar counter and whistled. “Yah, it's gotten pretty late. I'm still in school, so I should probably think about going back.” He glanced at Jaejoong and Chansik's empty glasses. “Please tell me that you didn't drive here.”

“We walked.”

“Still, you probably shouldn't walk back. I'm suddenly having visions of Chansik hyung tripping into oncoming traffic and you dive bombing to rescue him. You're in better condition, but I don't know if you'll be able to support a guy of that size.” He grabbed Jaejoong's phone from the table. “Give me a sec. I'll call someone.” He waved his hand and left to go outside where it was quieter.

Chansik lifted his head from the table abruptly. “I think they're lovers, hyung.”

“Who?”

“Shinwon ah and his friend. They look like lovers. Don't they look like lovers?”

“Er, well...”

“I've always wondered about him. But I thought he'd have better taste than someone like that. That Hyungchul looked like a freakin' supermodel, you know? Shinwon ah is already pretty. He doesn't need to date someone pretty. It's not like they're going to have kids who need good genes, anyways. I bet they'll break up as soon as actor boy gets a real job, and then guess who'll come crying to me?”

“Since you've never been drunk before, let me be the first to tell you this, Chansik ah,” Jaejoong said, patting his back. “You should be careful what you say when you're drunk. You're even more obvious than you usually are.”

“What are you saying, hyung? You don't think I'm right? You don't think he's going around with someone? Even though he's got those tiny little lips that are, like, perfect for kissing? Not that it matters. What do I care? I can kiss, too!” Before Jaejoong could stop him, Chansik had grabbed his face and planted a very aimless and beer scented kiss on his lips. Luckily, he pulled away quickly, blinking as if he couldn't believe what he'd just done.

“Not as satisfying as you thought it would be?” Jaejoong asked quietly. As someone who'd kissed all of s at some point or another after drinking, he knew very well that those kisses weren't anywhere near as good as his with Yunho, whether drunk or sober.

Chansik suddenly looked like he would cry. “It's no good, hyung. I always used to lose my head around you, but it's not the same anymore. He ruined everything. Why do the people close to me always choose someone else?”

“He didn't,” Jaejoong said gently. “If you can actually remember having this conversation tomorrow, you should talk to him. You said you don't know enough about him, but I'm pretty sure you could figure it out if he hears this from you.”

Seungmin returned to the table. “Damn, he really isn't looking good. Do you need mace in case he attacks you again?”

“You saw that?” Jaejoong waved his hand. “It's no worse than what I've done to other people. Is the taxi here?”

“I didn't call a taxi. I thought you might not want to be recognized toting around... well, a drunk Chansik ah. He's really not very charming. So I called Yunho hyung.”

“Ah...” Jaejoong bit his lip. He doubted Yunho would be overly happy about him going out drinking with Chansik while he was sick, but there was nothing he could do about that now. It wasn't as if Yunho could scold him if he'd been out with Dami himself, or at least he hoped he could get Yunho to see it that way.

While he waited, Chansik ran off to vomit in the bathroom, and Jaejoong downed a glass of water and finished off the appetizers they'd ordered earlier to fight back his own buzz. He wished he'd had the chance to talk to Yunho, but he was still glad he'd talked to Chansik first. He'd meant what he'd said to him. He knew he couldn't go around doubting Yunho anymore if he wanted to date him in the long term. It would only exhaust them both, and make them more susceptible to the next person like Dami that came around. He couldn't live his life like that, in constant fear. It was already tearing him apart and ruining what he had with the person he loved the most.

Chansik had returned to the booth in a daze and half passed out on Jaejoong's shoulder by time Yunho arrived. Yunho took in the sight of their empty pitchers and table smothered with empty glasses with pursed lips.

“Don't worry, it was mostly Chansik hyung,” Seungmin said quickly. “And I think he's cooled off a little now that he's, uh, taken care of his stomach. You already missed his kiss attack, luckily. Jaejoong hyung wasn't so fortunate.”

“Wasn't he?” Yunho asked flatly. He extended his hand to Jaejoong. “Get him up, and let's go back.”

Jaegoong helped Chansik to his feet, and the two of them eased him outside of the bar and into Yunho's car. He immediately slumped over in the backseat and started snoring. Jaejoong got into the passenger seat beside Yunho.

“So,” Yunho said. “Is he a good kisser?”

“He was drunk. I've done the same thing with Yoochun, Junsu, and Changmin and you've never cared.”

“Jaejoong ah, I'm not stupid. I did notice that he liked you. I let it go because I knew he knew about us, and because you had clear boundaries with him. So would you care to explain to me why you're out drinking with him when you should be in bed trying to get over being sick?”

“He had a fight with Shinwon ah, and I thought I'd help him. He told me about Dami-ssi meeting with Hyunsoo nim about acting with you, and that you'd gone out to meet her.”

“Changing the subject with that? Jae, I've told you already, there's nothing between me and her.”

“Well, there's nothing between me and Chansik ah! Or me and Soorin noona for that matter. I'll trust in you, so do the same for me and leave Chansik ah out of it.”

“Your nothing is different from my nothing,” Yunho snapped. “When I say nothing's going on, nothing's going on. If something was going on, I'd tell you. But you... when you say nothing's wrong or nothing's going on, that usually means everything's wrong and you just don't want to tell me for some stupid reason or another. I've been dating you long enough to know that. So excuse me if I get a little put out if you say there's nothing between you and Chansik ah, because your track record doesn't put that statement in the best light, does it?”

Jaejoong flinched. “Yunho... I understand. You have every reason to be mad at me. But I told you I would change, and I really will. So please, please take me at my word this time. I didn't just ignore what you told me yesterday.”

“But you'll just turn around and accuse me of taking Dami's offer and going off with her, won't you?”

“I won't,” Jaejoong insisted. “I told Chansik himself that I believed in you about that.”

“Good. I'll be promoting an album, having our first solo concert, and going to Japan. When will I have time to be in a drama, assuming I could even pass an audition at my current level? I don't know why she bothered, but at least I got a free meal out of it.” He fell silent. “Look, I'll stop seeing her if that will make you happy. But that isn't the problem, is it? Why should having someone like her around make you completely adverse to being around me?”

“I'm not-”

“Hyung,” Chansik groaned from the backseat. “Don't take the turns too fast, please.”

“Sit tight, we're almost to your apartment.” The three of them fell silent until Yunho pulled up to Chansik's place. Wordlessly, he helped Chansik out of the back and up the steps to make sure he made it inside okay.

When Yunho was back inside the car, he released another tired sigh as he turned the ignition. “Jae, I don't know what to do. If you don't want to be with me anymore, could you just say it without putting me through all this to lead up to it? I can't focus on anything when I'm worrying about you and obsessing over when exactly you'll throw me off completely.”

“I don't want to break up!” Jaejoong said fiercely. “I've never thought that for a second! About tonight... the thing with Chansik is because Shinwon likes him, and Chansik is upset over Shinwon and his friend Hyungchul. I wanted to talk to you about Dami-ssi, but Chansik and Shinwon had a fight right in front of me, and I wanted to help Chansik out. That's all it was.”

“That would be fine if that's all it really was. But every time I see you, you're always confiding in someone else. Whether it's Chansik or Shinwon or Soorin or even Yoochun, you always go to someone else before you go to me. And then now you get all distant on me, you're perfectly fine with everyone else. I mean, you'll fall all over yourself to help Chansik ah when he's fighting with Shinwon, but what about what's been going on with us these days? Why don't you care about fixing that as much? If you love me...” Yunho trailed off. “It's like I can only get a grasp on what's in your heart when you write a song or sing for me. When we're actually talking, you never want to tell me what you're really thinking. Even when I do have your heart, I feel like I can't touch your soul. It's like you won't let me, no matter how hard I try.”

“I know!” Jaejoong yelled, clenching his fists tightly. “I know better than anyone what a horrible job I've been doing of being fair to you! Being honest with you, talking to you properly, even looking after you like I promised your mother... I haven't done any of it right. But I love you. No matter how many mistakes I keep making, that's not changing, so even I keep misunderstanding what the best way to hold onto you is, I'm going to keep trying to make it right no matter what. So you keep trying, too. There's not going to be anyone who can reach my soul before you do, so don't give up on me.” He turned his face to Yunho, desperately seeking his eyes. “I won't make you unhappy. Not anymore.”

Yunho slowed the car down a little and just barely shifted his eyes to Jaejoong. “Is this really you talking right now?”

“What's that supposed to mean?”

“It means you're drunk. You're pushing yourself to feel more than you usually do.”

“I'm not drunk. I told you already, I went out for drinks for Chansik's sake, and I was going to meet you after to talk about Dami, so I didn't want to have too much. If Seungmin hadn't shown up...” He shook his head. It all sounded like weak excuses to his ears. “Yunho, I know I told you before that I wanted you to get mad at me when I did something wrong, but you're not hearing me right now. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry for these past few weeks. But I want to talk now. Can't you listen to me?”

Yunho pulled his car up to Jaejoong's parents' house rather than the dorm. “Drunk or not, you're still a little buzzed,” he said, not meeting Jaejoong's eyes. “Get some sleep, and actually try to get better.”

“But I have to tell you about Dami-ssi-”

“I don't want to talk about her anymore,” Yunho snapped. “Look, I'm sorry. But it's late, we have dance practice our stage to record tomorrow, and whether you think so or not, you've had too much to drink. We'll talk when we're both in better moods than we are now. Goodnight.”

Jaejoong opened his mouth and shut it. What's the point? He'd taken too long to be upfront when he needed to be, and now Yunho assumed the worst. There was nothing more to do tonight. He'd have to try again tomorrow and hope that it wasn't too little too late.

He got out of Yunho's car, keenly reeling from the absence of everything he should have been feeling. The relief at being together alone for once, the laughter they so often shared, the goodnight kiss he always anticipated. Why did he keep taking the wrong steps, leading himself deeper and deeper into losing what mattered most to him? He couldn't waste any more time and keep on bringing this pain time and time again to both of them. If he did, Dami would have won. But she was wrong. His love was not sick or twisted. It was flawed and foolish and not given as deeply as he knew he felt it, but it was the biggest and realest thing he'd felt. He wouldn't face losing it anymore. And he'd say that to Yunho after withholding it for so long whether he was heard properly or not.

Don’t say goodbye,
I can hear your heart telling me not to let go of your hands,
I can hear your heart; Even if the world turns its back on us; Even if it’s a painful love,
You are my love, you are my soul
Don’t say goodbye, you are the only one for me,
As if nothing has happened, if today passes,
Let’s not let go of each other, and we’ll make it through,
Cause you are my everything to me,
Cause you are my everything to me