DISVEOLICTY

Jaejoong stayed with Soorin at the hospital until she was ready to go in and talk to her mother, so by time he made it to his house, it was already late evening. When he checked his phone, he saw that Yunho had called and texted several more times after Jaejoong hadn't gotten back to his first message that afternoon.

Feeling guilty, Jaejoong quickly called him up. “Yunho?”

“Jaejoong!” Yunho sighed in relief. “Thank god, you're okay. I was about two seconds away from taking the bus up to check on you.”

“Sorry, I got caught up in something. I'm fine.”

“Where were you? At the company?”

“At first. But then I needed to help Soorin noona with something.”

“Soorin noona,” Yunho echoed, his voice dropping in tone. “Haven't you been spending too much time worrying about her? I know she's a bit of an... odd case... but we're supposed to be focusing on our debut right now.”

“I know that. But it was something important.”

“Can you tell me what it was? You told me you were going to be working on our debut song today, so it better have been important.”

Jaejoong glared at his phone out of the corner of his eyes. Can't you just trust me on this? “I don't really want to go around spreading stuff about noona's private life.”

“So it had to do with her private life? How does that concern you?”

“We're friends.”

“Are you now? You never told me you were that close.”

"Do I need to formally announce it to you every time I make a friend?"

"No! Just..." Yunho sighed. “Look, I'm not trying to come across as jealous, here. You're allowed to be friends with Soorin noona. Just... you need to be careful now. She's an idol, and you're going to be one, too. Anything you do will be a news item. I don't want that to be a problem.”

“Is this leader-ssi talking now?”

“This is your boyfriend talking,” Yunho said testily. “It's not like I want you to get in scandals with someone, even if I know the truth. It would be a pain.”

“A pain?”

“As in, what kind of person would enjoy the rest of the world thinking the person they love is in love with someone else?”

“Ah... I thought you weren't trying to come across as jealous?”

“Boojae,” Yunho said sternly. “I'm being serious. Even if you can't tell me exactly what you're doing, just keep in mind that I'm worried about you. And you shouldn't put off writing our song, okay?”

“Got it.”

“Good. I'll hang up now, so get some work done. Love you.”

“Love you, too.” Jaejoong shut off his phone and grimaced. Yunho was probably still ticked off at him, but he supposed he could just sort it out in person tomorrow. It wasn't as if he couldn't understand Yunho's point, or anything. He just didn't want to regret what he'd done for Soorin simply because it was troublesome. She'd still been teary when she went to talk to her mother, but she was doing better. She wanted to try and write a song with him, and wasn't that a step in the right direction? Still, he did have his own song to write. Yunho was right about that.

He cracked open his notebook, but for once, the words were having a difficult time coming to him. Just for one day, I want to be the bed in your room... He thought of Yunho's bedroom, and wanted to be there in reality rather than just imagining it. He was sure everything he was looking for would find him there, if only he could just be with him and unburden himself. You never have to worry about anyone or anything else, because it's you I love, no matter what anyone else thinks or says.

He pushed his notebook away and curled up on his own bed. He knew he should try harder to write something, but he was tired. It had been a long day, and if Yunho's tone of voice was any indication, he'd have some explaining to do tomorrow. For now, he just wanted to sleep.

Maybe it'll come to me in my dreams, he thought wryly. What I would do if I was in bed in your room, Jung Yunho.

0o0

Jaejoong groaned when his alarm woke him up the next morning. He hadn't showered after coming back home, and he'd fallen asleep in his clothes on top of that. He hadn't given himself a lot of time to clean up, but he couldn't show up at the agency smelling like a stink bomb and then add all the sweat of dance practice to it. He showered as quickly as he could, but he was already running a few minutes late by time he left the house.

When he got to the agency, his stomach sank. Once again, there was an eerie silence in the practice room, and everyone was huddled around the couch staring at Jongwoo's laptop. Something's happened with Saehee noona again, he thought warily. They've figured out something bad about her relationship, and another scandal broke out...

Everyone looked up at him when he came in-- except Yunho, who was notably absent even though Changmin and Yoochun were there. Their faces were confused, as if they didn't know what to say to him. Jaejoong set down his bag and headed over to the couch. “What is it this time?” he asked. “Saehee noona?”

Yoochun shook his head. “No, hyung. Actually... it's you.”

Jaejoong blinked. “Me?”

“The company already cleared it up,” Junsu said quickly. “But you... with Soorin noona...”

“It wasn't really a date,” Chansik insisted vehemently. “I saw her dragging him out of here, just like in the picture.”

“We know, Chansik ah,” Yoochun said patiently. “We already said the company cleared it up.”

Me and Soorin noona? “Can someone just explain to me clearly what's going on?” he asked. “Did someone get a picture of us when we were out yesterday?”

Jongwoo tilted the laptop so he could see. That was exactly what it was. Someone had snapped a picture of them as Soorin had stormed out of the bookstore, one where her scarf was away from her face after her confrontation with Park Junho. It didn't look particularly romantic, like Saehee's photo with Minjun. You could see that Soorin had a tight grip on his forearm and that her expression was not a happy one, and Jaejoong's were squinted in pain. Whoever wrote the article took that into account, at least.

Is another dating scandal in store for Starkiss?, the article read. Silent and ghost-like maknae Park Soorin was spotted leaving author Park Junho's book signing with a mystery man in tow, though their unromantic behavior leaves us with plenty of questions. Soorin isn't reported to have any siblings, and we'd be surprised if label C&M would be loose enough with their talent to allow two of their artists to be spotted out and about with boyfriends one right after another, but perhaps the notoriously 4D idol let that slip her mind. We're also unsure of who the man behind the scarf is, though he's certainly handsome enough to be a fellow idol, which makes us suspect this outing of hers may be more than what it seems. We've reached out to C&M for a statement, so stay tuned for updates!

“Well, that doesn't sound as bad as it could have been,” Jaejoong said weakly, scrolling down the page. “And there's the update...”

He read on. C&M has cleared up the mystery of Soorin's bookstore companion! According to CEO Sung Hyunsoo, Soorin was chaperoning a trainee from a new five-member boy group C&M is planning on debuting this fall!

“Both the trainee and Soorin are fans of author Park Junho, and were attending the event as two people who wished to meet a person they admired,” said Sung Hyunsoo. “Soorin is planning on taking on a greater role as a songwriter for Starkiss's next release, and the trainee in question will also take an active role as a lyricist in his group. Meeting and conversing with a celebrated author is a positive experience for them, and should not be taken romantically at all.”

Park Junho has also released a statement regarding Soorin's appearance at his book signing event. “I did indeed meet with Soorin and her hoobae at the event, and was flattered by their support. Soorin is a talented young woman, and I only wish I could have offered her more encouragement. I unfortunately made the mistake of asking if I could announce the fact that she, a popular idol, was present at the event, which I think caused her some distress, as she quickly left with her hoobae to avoid causing a disturbance. That was when the photograph was taken, and I am deeply sorry that my comment led people to misunderstand the situation.”

Looks like Soorin's mistaken rumor has opened the door to even more exciting news, however: Sung Hyunsoo has teased us with information on C&M's new group! The group is slated to be an up-and-coming vocal act with strong harmonization, and the line up will consist of five boys currently ranging in age between fifteen and seventeen. C&M remains mum on further details, but promises more teasers in the near future!

Jaejoong stared blankly at the screen. He understood why Hyunsoo nim had to stretch a few details to keep Soorin's true intentions in attending the event a secret, but he was amazed that Park Junho had been willing to tell a complete and utter lie after what had happened between himself and Soorin. Being honest about his relation to Soorin certainly wouldn't have helped his literary career or his upcoming marriage, but he could have stayed out of the situation just as easily. Perhaps this was his attempt at being a semi-decent father, though Jaejoong still thought it was too little too late, no matter how grateful he was.

“The comments on the article actually aren't too bad,” Jongwoo said. “Hyunsoo nim did a good move by announcing your upcoming debut, so most of the netizens are excited about that instead of focusing on the dating rumor. Actually... even before Hyunsoo nim made a statement, all of them were saying there's no way Soorin noona could be dating someone who looked so sane.”

“All you can see in that picture are my eyes and hair.”

“Which kind of says a lot about what netizens think of Soorin noona...”

“But it wasn't really a date to begin with, right, hyung?” Chansik pressed.

“Oh, come on,” Shinwon said, elbowing him in the ribs. “Noona may be strange, but she'd have to be on another planet to strong arm someone into going on a public bookstore date with her after what happened to Saehee noona.”

“It wasn't a date,” Jaejoong said. “We were... just attending the signing as fans.” He glanced at everyone sitting on the couch. “...where is Yunho?”

“That.” Yoochun grimaced. “Er... let's just say he was a wee bit upset at Soorin for pulling you into trouble when she should have known better as a sunbae. He's complaining to Hyunsoo nim right now.”

Jaejoong lept to his feet. “But it wasn't her fault! She didn't force me to go, or anything.”

“I know. But try to see it from his point of view. Had this gone a different way, people might have believed Soorin was dating a trainee. It could have messed up Starkiss even further, and us as well.”

“Then I should be the one to apologize. It was as much my fault as her's.” Before anyone could protest, Jaejoong headed for the offices and walked down the hallway to Hyunsoo nim's. He could already hear Yunho inside, and his voice didn't sound as easy-going as it normally did.

“-shouldn't think it's okay to just pull Jaejoong ah around without thinking about the consequences!” Yunho was saying when Jaejoong walked in. He whirled around when the door shut, locking eyes with Jaejoong. Jaejoong winced. That look was back in his eyes, the fiercely cold gaze he'd gotten for Junwoo and Seunghee, and when he'd caught Jaejoong holding hands with Minhee. It made him shiver. Again I've made him feel like this. But this time I did what I thought was right. Do I need to apologize? Should I make him understand why I did what I did?

“And here's the man himself,” Hyunsoo nim said, his voice patient. “Take a seat, Jaejoong. I trust your fellow trainees have gotten you up to speed on the issue?”

Jaejoong nodded. “I'm sorry, hyungnim. I should have asked for permission before going out with her. I was careless.”

Hyunsoo nim raised his hand, cutting him off. “I won't deny that both you and Soorin could have been more careful, but honestly, it was never much of an incriminating situation to begin with. It's not like female idols are completely banned from going places with family or friends after they become famous. The gossip papers are just hungering for more juice on Starkiss since Saehee hasn't given them anything else, and our Soorin is an eternal point of curiosity. But it would take a magician to conjure anything too romantic about your outing together.” He looked at Jaejoong carefully. “I'm well aware of Soorin's complex family situation. As the agency managing her, we need to be careful to protect what should not be shared about her. Not so much for the sake of protecting ourselves in this case, but for protecting Soorin and her mother from negative attention they do not deserve. And, as I was trying to explain to Yunho, Soorin is a complicated case. She has issues with dissociation, and on a mental level she's not always a fit decision maker. In this case, she would not have been primarily thinking 'I am an idol, and I need to be careful about my surroundings and looking after my hoobae.' She mostly likely thought 'I need Jaejoong's support, so I need to bring him with me' without considering the various consequences.”

“So it's fine for her to do that with no questions asked?” Yunho bristled. “No scolding, or anything?”

“I've already had my chat with her as well as Gaeun, as Starkiss's leader,” Hyunsoo nim said. “Her head seems to be in a better place, and she now seems quite firm on the idea of looking after Jaejoong. He's earned her respect, and for someone like Soorin, that is a meaningful and lasting thing. As for Gaeun, she says she will do a better job keeping an eye out for Soorin in the future, and I will take her at her word.”

“So that's it? She could have gotten Jaejoong ah major disapproval before he even debuted, and that's it?”

“Yunho ah,” Jaejoong said, trying to meet his eyes. “I'm sorry. It was my fault, too. I'll be more careful, too. We both will.”

Yunho glanced at him briefly, then looked away. I should have just told him the truth last night, Jaejoong thought darkly. He's misunderstanding. He's redirecting his anger when he should be angry with me.

“Actually, that's not 'it',” Hyunsoo nim said, smiling serenely. “You've done an excellent job of leading the trainees, Yunho, and I'd like you to consider becoming leader of your vocal group when it debuts. However, a good leader should have a close working relationship with his sunbaes, don't you think? You could stand to have more open communication with Gaeun and learn more about what leading a group is like, particularly one with special circumstances such as Soorin's. Luckily, an interesting offer has crossed my desk. I'm sure you're familiar with K.Will? Our Gaeun is doing a duet with him on his upcoming single, and will be featured as the female lead in his music video. Since K.Will doesn't usually act in his MVs, his agency was also looking for someone to fill the male lead role, and though they usually go with established idols or actors, I took a chance and showed some footage from the two of you training to see what they thought. They've just recently gotten in touch with me again, and they've reported that everyone concerned wants to move ahead with Yunho as the lead.”

Yunho's mouth fell open. “Eh?”

“Surprised? You have a good image and a versatile style. Their agency is putting a lot of faith in you, too. It would be safer to pick someone with a stable fanbase, but they believe someone like you will still generate interest.”

“But... I've never acted before.”

“On the contrary, hasn't much of what you've done in your variety training been acting? I suspect you'll find it much more natural to you than you're anticipating.” Hyunsoo nim folded his hands. “Unfortunately, the filming begins in two weeks. We have a script of the concept ready for you and Gaeun, but this does coincide with your MT.”

“You mean Yunho won't be going?” Jaejoong asked in alarm. “But... shouldn't he be with us?”

“It was my understanding that Yunho was already close to the members of your vocal unit, and has known all of them but you for years. And in regards to you... well, I don't get the impression of any lack of closeness between the two of you.”

“But... but...” Jaejoong clenched his fists. “It's not fair to make him miss the MT because of something that was my fault!”

“You misunderstand me, Jaejoong. This isn't a punishment. In fact, it's not incredibly common for a rookie to have an opportunity as good as this one. More exposure for Yunho will increase interest in your group and give listeners another face to place to it, rather than that unsatisfying photo of half of your face covered by a scarf. If anything, this will be a very positive experience for Yunho.”

Jaejoong knew that. He knew it was a good thing for Yunho, and it shouldn't upset him as much as it did. His feelings for Yunho would be what they were whether Yunho went to the MT or not, but still he hated the thought of him not being there, partially because of his own actions. He'd wanted another moment for them like they'd had at the pension that summer, or at least the opportunity to be with him freely, without training or thoughts of work getting in the way.

“I'll... do my best,” Yunho said finally.

“Glad to hear it,” Hyunsoo nim rejoined. “Now, if you don't mind, there's much for me to do now that the news of your debut leaked a little earlier than I was anticipating, and you two have work of your own to do. So, unless you have anything else to add...?”

Yunho glared at his hands, but stood up with a bow. Jaejoong followed after him, biting his lips. It may have been over for Hyunsoo nim, but it wasn't over for him. Yunho was still upset, and now Jaejoong was, too. Everything had seemed so perfect after Yoochun had made it into the company, but now here Jaejoong was causing trouble for all five of them. He still couldn't change his mind about helping Soorin, but he just wished it hadn't effected anyone else but the two of them.

“Yunho,” Jaejoong said softly. “I'm sor-”

“Don't be,” Yunho interrupted. “I get why you did it.”

“But you're upset.”

“At her, not you. She shouldn't have ever pulled that scarf away from her face.”

Jaejoong grabbed his hand, forcing him to stop walking. “That's what you may think, but you weren't there. You didn't see what see what she was going through.”

"Of course I don't see it!" Yunho said, whirling around to face him. "I don't know a thing about Soorin noona, because, if you've never noticed, she's never said a word to any one of us other than you. And when I ask you about her? 'Oh, Soorin noona just needs help writing a song,' or 'It's something about her family,' or 'We were just talking'. I've never had a single clue about what this relationship the two of you has is, and why you feel like you can't tell me a thing about it. You want me to see what's going on? Then tell me. Tell me so I don't have to hear about what you're doing from a gossip site where people who don't even know who you are seem like they know more about the situation than I do.”

Jaejoong flinched. “It was an issue about her family. What was I supposed to say to you, without asking her permission first? I know how personal that can be. If I told something private about my family to you, I wouldn't want you to go around spreading it.”

“You could have at least told me where you were and a general idea of what happened, even if you didn't explain it fully. That way, I could have at least been prepared for what I saw this morning. I knew you'd done something with her, but I just assumed it was in a more private setting. I warned you yesterday of being spotted with another idol, but it didn't sound like you were worried about that happening, so I thought... I thought if that was the case, you would have warned me.”

“So you are upset with me.”

"You are new to this whole thing, and you don't understand the rules and all their consequences yet. She should know better than you. She should realize how easy it is for someone like her and someone like you to be misunderstood."

"Stop thinking like a leader for two seconds, and start thinking like my boyfriend again!" Jaejoong snapped, trying his best to keep his voice down. "You just said you wanted me to tell you about the situation with Soorin noona, to explain myself better to you. And I didn't. When it came to her, I never took your feelings into account as well I should have. All that, and you're trying to tell me that you aren't angry with me in the slightest? That everything I did wrong fell on her shoulders?"

"You want me to angry with you?"

"I don't want you to turn a blind eye to the fact that I can be wrong, too! It's not like I want to fight or anything, but it feels right now like you aren't seeing me properly. If I messed up, I messed up. Keep on excusing me like that, and I'll just keep messing up, and you'll hate me for it before you know it. That's what I absolutely do not want."

 Yunho blinked. “...yes. Maybe I am. I'm upset with you. I don't want you to do it again. I don't want you doing things with other people that you can't talk to me about. That's all.”

“That's okay,” Jaejoong said, releasing his breath. “If you feel that way, it's fine. It's better if you're angry with me instead of her. I was the one who didn't talk to you properly.”

“But you're the last person I want to be angry with, all right?” He reached out to ruffle Jaejoong's hair. His face was still a bit tense, but he granted him a small smile. “I worry about you. I know that you can take care of yourself, but that doesn't change the fact that I want to protect you from everything, and I hate it when I can't. Even though I know your relationship with Soorin is different... it's just hard, okay? You've said to me before that I was one of the first emotional connections you've ever made with anyone before. So when you make that kind of connection with someone else... I worry that I was only special because I was first.”

Jaejoong smacked him hard on the arm. “Don't say something so stupid! You were special because you were the first, but that's not all it was. If it hadn't been you, it wouldn't have made a difference who was trying to connect with me or what. They may have broken through, but I fell in love because it was you. That's why me becoming close to Yoochun and Junsu and Changmin didn't change anything. I loved you for what you did for me, but I just loved who you were overall even more. I still do. As for noona, have I not told you this clearly before?” He looked both ways, making sure the hallway was empty. “I have absolutely no interest in girls that way. So you can get those kinds of thoughts out of your head.”

Yunho pouted and rubbed the place Jaejoong hit. “All right, all right. Seriously though Boojae, this is the first real relationship I've been in before. The only one where I've cared about the other person this much. You have to let me be unsure what I'm doing from time to time.”

“In that case, you have to let me make these mistakes from time to time, and forgive me when I do. Because I'm not completely sure of what I'm doing sometimes, too.” He turned his face away. “But the MT...”

“Don't worry about it,” Yunho said quickly. “Hyunsoo nim's right. It's a good opportunity, and I'll have plenty of time to spend with you guys when we get our dorm.”

“But... we were all looking forward to it... If I hadn't caused trouble, you wouldn't have had to...”

Yunho shook his head. “From how it sounded, Hyunsoo nim has been in communication with K.Will sunbaenim's agency for awhile about this. It's too bad that they scheduled the MT when they did.”

“It's not just the MT,” Jaejoong said quietly. “The day we get back from the MT is my birthday.”

Yunho's expression clouded over. “I know shoots can take the whole day, but I don't think this one will carry over into the next day, right? I mean, it's K.Will sunbaenim. It's not like they're going to have to film a dance part multiple times.”

“You'll still be tired, probably.” Jaejoong waved his hand. “Forget about it. Your birthday is two days later, we can just celebrate together then.”

“Jae... I definitely won't let you down, okay? I'll film the best MV ever so you don't have to be sad.” He took Jaejoong's hand and squeezed it. “Besides, why aren't you getting upset over me shooting a romantic MV with Gaeun noona? I feel so stupid getting mad about Minhee and Soorin when you don't seem to care about it at all.”

That's because you couldn't read my bitter mind when I thought Minhee was still in love with you, you idiot, Jaejoong thought to himself. “Gaeun noona has a boyfriend,” he said instead. “So I'll trust her. As for you, if you try to make a move and mess up her relationship, I will break up with you.”

“Can't have that, can we?” Yunho said weakly. “Ah, we've been here talking too long. We really do need to practice. Are we fine now?”

Jaejoong shrugged. “Up until the next time we behave stupidly again.”

“But as long as we make the effort to talk it out, no lasting damage.” Yunho squeezed Jaejoong's hand one more time and let go. “God, I just don't know how I'm going to do it. Balancing being a impartial leader and loving you. I still feel like when I see Gaeun noona, I'm going to scold her for not having a better watch over Soorin noona.”

“If anyone can do it, it would be you. I'll work hard at becoming better, too, all right?”

“Yeah. You'll be the one watching over everyone at the MT. I trust that I'll be leaving them all in good hands?”

“Uh....” Jaejoong looked away. “I guess so? I'll do my best.”

“That didn't sound all that convincing, Jae,” Yunho said, smirking. “If I were Junsu, Yoochun, or Changmin, I'd be getting worried.”

Sweet honey, disvelocity hides its bitterness in a dream of glory
It drinks up jealousy, and clads itself in dragonflies and lives on
It will never finish

An uncertain melody plays (everything’s changing)
Forgive the scars and take it easy
The bubbles float to the surface (anything could happen)
If that’s the case I might as well
Cry and smile as I’d like, in this moment
Nobody’s perfect nobody’s perfect
All living things (nobody’s perfect)