INTOXICATION

Suddenly the hands grabbing his arms were gone, and they were quickly cupping his face and pulling him into a kiss. It had been too long, and they were both too hungry for any semblance of control. Yunho crushed Jaejoong's lips beneath his, practically slamming his back into the door in his hurry to get his hands on him. Jaejoong kissed him back just as vehemently, digging his fingernails into his shoulders and winding their tongues together, taking in everything he had been waiting week after week for. I know you love me, I know it, but sometimes I need to know you need me like this, too.

By how Yunho was acting, he was sure Auntie Minjung wasn't around, but he didn't know where she would be and when she would walk in. Using all of his willpower, he pulled himself away from Yunho's demanding kiss. “How long?” he asked, his voice sounding strangely breathy to him.

“About half-an-hour,” Yunho murmured, kissing his chin, and then down his neck to the juncture of his shoulder. “Not enough.”

“No,” Jaejoong said, his breath catching as Yunho's hands slipped beneath his shirt to touch his waist. “Right now, anything is enough.”

Yunho kissed him one more time on the lips and grabbed his hands. The two of them went up the stairs, taking two at a time, until they were in Yunho's room. Yunho left the door open just a crack so they would be able to hear Auntie Minjung when she came back, then pushed Jaejoong down into his bed, rejoining their lips, wasting not a second of the time they barely had. Jaejoong had only ever been here in the summer when it was already stifling even with the window open, but now it was different. The heat this time was entirely their own, and it shot through him so powerfully that he almost forgot to breathe. His legs were starting to tremble, so he wrapped them around Yunho, trying to keep them steady while all the while bringing them closer, making it so they could feel each other even better than they had before.

Yunho broke off their kiss, looking down at Jaejoong with concern. “Baby, why are you crying?” he asked, his cheek.

“I'm n-” Jaejoong started to say, but he could feel the dampness unexpectedly running down his face. Amazed, he lifted his fingers and traced the path of the droplets streaming from his eyes. Tears. Why am I...? But before he could answer his own question, his body's instinct took over. He released an untamed sob, and quickly covered his face with his hands. His heart was hurting so badly he could feel it throbbing in his chest, so badly that he had no idea how it could have reached that point without him knowing it. “I'm sorry,” he said, his voice choked and wretched to his ears. “I just missed you... like this...”

Jaejoong heard Yunho sigh before he reached down to push his hands away from his face. “I know,” he whispered, kissing the wetness of his cheeks. “I missed you like this, too. I'm sorry I haven't come to be with you for so long. I'm sorry, so please don't cry anymore, baby. You're killing me.”

Jaejoong sniffed, shaking his head. “It's not your fault. I'm being selfish. I get to see you so often, so I don't know why...”

“If you're anything like me, it's because you're happy,” Yunho whispered. “Happy that we can be together now. So happy you can't keep it inside.”

Jaejoong gave him a watery smile and nodded.

“Don't cry, then. Just be with me.”

They kissed again, gently, slowly, until Jaejoong's tears dried up and their old urgency came back to them. Jaejoong grabbed for the hem of Yunho's shirt and pulled it up, and Yunho did the same for him, though they both hesitated in breaking off their kiss to yank their tops the rest of the way over their heads. Whenever one of them tried to pull away, the other pulled them back in up to the point where Yunho quickly placed his hand over Jaejoong's mouth with a laugh and his shirt off before they could lose themselves to each other again.

Yunho glanced over at the digital clock by his bed. “Fifteen minutes,” he said. “What do you want me to do?”

Fifteen minutes. Not enough time for everything he wanted to do, not by far, but still time all the same. “Something,” he said, dancing his fingers along Yunho's jawline. “Anything. Just touch me.”

Yunho groaned, slipping his hand's down Jaejoong's neck. “What are you trying to do to me with that voice of yours?” He didn't wait for an answer, and continued to travel his hands down Jaejoong's chest, to the waist of his jeans. Jaejoong in his breath, which made Yunho pause for a second to check his reaction, but there was nothing more than expectation in his eyes, he was sure. He wanted this. He wanted more than this. He wanted to know how every single part of being with Yunho felt.

When Yunho's hands found him, found them both, he felt his mind going blank. Oh my god, oh my god, this is happening. To me, something like this is happening to me.

Yunho probably sensed his slight bit of disbelief, and leaned in to rake his lips across Jaejoong's jaw. “I love you,” he whispered. “So much, so much, please don't doubt that ever, baby.”

Jaejoong couldn't speak, so he only nodded, clutching tightly to Yunho's back, riding the waves of pleasure that jolted through him. He felt as if he should say the words back, so he mouthed them lightly, pressing his lips to Yunho's bare shoulder. I love you. That's the only reason I can be this selfish, wanting you so badly even when I have you. I just love you too much, so much more than you can ever understand.

A feeling so sweet rushed through him, and he buried his face against Yunho's chest, masking his voice with his skin. Yunho sighed and drew his fingers through Jaejoong's damp hair; his voice saying Jaejoong's name was just audible over the ringing in his head. It reminded him of the first time they met, the beautiful sound of Yunho's voice as he slipped away. He'd been all right with dying back then, but everything had changed when he opened his eyes and saw Yunho properly. He wanted to live, to experience this.

Yunho rested on top of Jaejoong for a moment, his eyes relaxed and closed, but then he groaned and turned his head. “Three minutes,” he murmured, pulling himself up and grabbing tissues from his end table. “You okay?”

“Okay?”

Yunho smiled. “I guess that's not the word for it.”

“Not even close.” Jaejoong also sat up, bringing his hands to his cheeks. They were still a bit wet, and now incredibly flushed. “I'm sorry... for earlier...”

“About that.” Yunho leaned over so he was eye-to-eye with Jaejoong. “There are going to be so many times when we won't have a half-an-hour, or even fifteen minutes. Can you please promise that even when that happens, even if it hurts us both, that you will keep on believing that I love you?” He kissed underneath's Jaejoong's eye. “I don't want to see you crying... not because of me.”

“It wasn't because of-”

Yunho stopped his denial, sealing his lips. “Promise,” he said. “Please.”

Jaejoong sighed. “All right. I promise.”

“Good.” He kissed Jaejoong, then reached down to grab his shirt and toss it to him. Almost as soon as it was in his hands, he heard the door clicking open from downstairs. “Like clockwork,” Yunho said, pulling his own shirt over his head. “C'mon, we should say hi.”

As happy as Jaejoong was to see Auntie Minjung again, he had a very difficult time meeting her eye when he greeted her because he kept on thinking of what he'd just done with Yunho. She was a shrewd woman, and he had a feeling that she had her suspicions about them being together; he just hoped she had no idea how far it had progressed already.

“Aigoo,” she said when she saw Jaejoong. “You've lost weight again. Would you like me to cook you a big dinner tonight?”

“NO!” Yunho yelled. “I mean, no. I'm inviting everyone over this evening, so we'll order out.”

“All right. Just make sure Jaejoong goon eats plenty of whatever you get. I swear, for all the hard work you do for that company, and they barely feed you at all. I'm surprised Changmin goon is still doing it with you.”

“Don't worry about Changminnie. Jaejoong buys him take out after every practice if he asks for it.” Yunho grimaced; he still got jealous of everyone else Jaejoong spoiled outside of him.

“They must put growth hormones in whatever he's eating. I swear, it's not a Tuesday if his mother isn't bringing his hand-me-downs he's outgrown over and seeing if Yunho wants them.” She reached up and patted Jaejoong's cheek. “I'll go put some tea on for you and see if I have any packaged snacks to tide you over until dinner.”

When she was safely in the kitchen, Yunho turned to Jaejoong, smiling affectionately. “So how was Junsu? I managed to keep Yoochun from snapping yesterday, but he still wasn't in the best of moods when I left last night. He thinks Junsu's trying to cut him out completely, and he isn't taking it well.”

“Junsu was trying to do that, but he's had a change of heart. We talked about it, and he's at Yoochun's right now. I think they'll be fine.”

“You think? I honestly didn't think they would ever be able to fight like that. They've been close for as long as I've known them.”

“It's the people you're closest to who can hurt you the most, right?”

“And the people you're closest to who should know better.” He Jaejoong's cheek. “I'm glad they're going to try and work it out though. I don't want my best friends to fight each other.”

“Speaking of which... do the people at your school know about you being a trainee yet?”

Yunho shook his head. “I asked the teachers to keep it private. Whenever I'm gone, I say it's because of a family crisis. Everyone knows I don't live with my parents, so they believe it. Plus I skipped class all the time before, it's nothing new. Why?”

“Just wondering.” If knowing he was a trainee had elevated Jaejoong in the eyes of his classmates, it would probably make someone who was already popular like Yuhno a living legend. Having fans who wanted Yunho was one thing, but it would be different if it was someone who he actually knew.

“Just wondering,” Yunho repeated with a grin. “Why can't Jaejoong admit when he's jealous because of me? I would if it was for you.”

“I don't have anyone chasing after me.”

“I can still get jealous.” He leaned in. “You feed Changmin too often. You talk to Soorin sunbae privately, without me. You let Chansik ah get too clingy. Even Minhee ssi keeps talking about you all the time, and she knows we're together. All that, and Jaejoongie won't tell me when I'm making him jealous.”

“You're not making me jealous.”

“Aigoooo, Boojae's such a liar.” Yunho wrapped his arms around Jaejoong's back and pulled him against his chest. “Ah, now this is where you're supposed to be. I'll try and come for more weekends, okay? We'll be together.”

Jaejoong nodded, resting his head against Yunho. There was no question for him at all that this was where he belonged, and now that he was back, the pain in his heart subsided to nothing in Yunho's hands.

0o0

Changmin showed up at the house a little bit later, and by time early evening rolled around, Junsu and Yoochun also came. Junsu had what looked like a bright red mark on his cheek, but otherwise, it was nearly impossible to tell that the two had previously been fighting from the looks on their faces. They were both smiling widely, and as soon as he saw Jaejoong, Yoochun grabbed him in a headlock and ruffled his hair. “Hyung,” he yelled. “Where have you been? And why did you have to go and take Changmin ah away with you, too?” He leaned down and put his head by Jaejoong's ear. “Thank you for talking to him, hyung,” he whispered, and Jaejoong nodded in response.

“Yah, aren't you holding on to him for too long?” Yunho barked, smacking Yoochun's hand away. After he finished with that, he grabbed Junsu by the shirt and gave him a swift smack upside the head. “And you... you should be groveling on the ground for making your hyung take his precious time to get you to stop being stupid. Why the hell did you never call? We were worried sick!”

“Please, Yunho hyung, I've done enough groveling for one day,” Junsu said, sheepishly. “And aren't you sounding a bit more parental than you used to?”

“He's the trainee leader now,” Changmin said. “The power's gone to his head.”

“Trainee leader?” Yoochun asked, grinning. “You mean he can boss you and Jaejoong hyung around?”

“It's not like I do,” Yunho yelled. “I just make sure everyone's doing what they're supposed to and not, you know, stuffing their faces or bothering the Starkiss sunbaes!”

“For now. Before we know it, he could have Changmin massaging his feet and Jaejoong hyung waving a feather fan at him,” Junsu teased. He and Yoochun gave each other a high five, and the rest of them grinned. It all seemed so stupid now, the not talking, the not being together. This was really how it was supposed to be. Jaejoong believed in that now more than he ever had before.

The five of them made an order for fried chicken, then went up to Yunho's room. Yoochun had what felt like hundreds of questions about everyone's experiences as trainees, and the four of them shared their stories, swapping anecdotes about their other trainees, sunbaes, and bosses. They talked and talked and laughed so hard their sides hurt, and then, before long, they started singing. At first, they picked some of the songs they had been learning during their lessons, and then some of Jaejoong's songs they'd learned the previous summer. Each of them sounded better, even Yoochun who hadn't been training like the rest of them had. It felt almost natural, like instinct kicking in and directing their voices for them. It was like a puzzle, and they all knew exactly where they fit into each other, the exact way they needed to move their voices together to create something beautiful.

Jaejoong suddenly grabbed for Yunho's video camera. He couldn't just let this be something they did sometimes, during the rare moments when the five of them could get together. He, Yunho, and Changmin were already in place, but they needed Junsu and Yoochun with them. There was no question of that now. Yoochun had told them that he'd think about giving the audition contest a try, but only if Junsu was serious about trying to transfer companies, and Junsu promised once again that he would also consider it. But thinking about it wasn't enough on its own. It had to happen, even if he had to force a few hands again.

Everyone eyed the camera warily, but they kept on singing nonetheless. He was sure to zoom in on Yoochun and Junsu, putting the emphasis on them. The high and low tones they were missing. Hadn't Hi Stan said the company was trying to make their sound complete and push for a debut? He didn't think it could sound anymore complete than this.

After they got tired of singing, Yunho and Changmin some video games and started playing-- and fighting-- and Junsu dozed off on Yoochun's shoulder, his mouth hanging open.

“How quickly did you forgive him?” Jaejoong asked Yoochun, looking down at Junsu's sweet sleeping face. “He was really worried about it... you didn't make him worry long, did you?”

He grimaced. “Just long enough to make sure he wouldn't do it again.”

“I'm glad you did, though.”

“How could I not? I was mad at him for trying to throw me away. What would be the point if I threw him away, too?” He lowered his voice. “How have you and Yunho been? I've been a burden to him lately, I'm sorry. You haven't been able to see each other much outside of training, have you?”

Jaejoong shook his head. “Don't worry about it. It's fine. What you were going through was more important.”

“No one at the company has found out yet? About you?”

Jaejoong thought of Chansik and bit his lips. “I think one of the trainees might have guessed.”

“And? It's not causing a problem?”

“I don't think so. He's just the kind who gets a little jealous if you're not paying attention to him properly. Other than that, no, I don't think he's the kind of person who would cause a problem.”

“Good.” Yoochun sighed. “Just keep it close to your chest, hyung. I haven't seen Yunho hyung smiling like that in a long time, and I don't want anyone to take that from him. Or from you. People shouldn't be allowed to take those kinds of things out of your hands. What you choose is up to you.” He ruffled Junsu's hair and yawned. “We should go to your company, though. All of us standing on stage together... wouldn't that be fun...”

Within a few minutes, he had dozed off, too, and Jaejoong himself was starting to feel incredibly sleepy. He crawled over to Yunho and rested his head on his leg, shutting his eyes. He had to drive Junsu back in the morning, but he didn't want to leave. They were finally here, all of them together, and part of him still wondered if it was all just a beautiful dream that would vanish as soon as he turned his back on it.

0o0

When he woke up, he saw that they had all wound up passing out on Yunho's floor. He was still on Yunho's thigh, and Changmin had ended up with his head on Yunho's squishy stomach, which normally would have made Jaejoong jealous, but it was Changmin, and Changmin was cute. He glanced up at the digital clock and groaned. It was still early, but Junsu had practices scheduled, and he'd promised to ride the bus back with him.

Shifting off of Yunho, he shook Junsu awake. “We have to get ready,” he murmured softly, but it still woke Yoochun up anyways, since Junsu was still resting on top of him.

“I'll pull something out of the kitchen for breakfast,” Yoochun said sleepily. “You two just worry about getting dressed and washing up.” Yunho and Changmin were still sleeping peacefully, so they left them where they were.

Jaejoong and Junsu ate and got their things together to go back, but by time it was time for them to head over to the bus stop, the other two were still asleep. “You two go on ahead,” Jaejoong said to Yoochun and Junsu. “I'll be with you in a little bit.”

He slipped back upstairs. He didn't want to wake Yunho up, not with him looking so at ease, and it would only be a day until they'd be at C&M again. Still, he bent down and kissed Yunho on his parted lips. Thank you for bringing me back here. If I have to wait another month for another half-an-hour, I won't complain about it this time.

“Don't be gross,” Changmin muttered. Jaejoong pulled away and looked down at him, but he was only talking in his sleep. Jaejoong grinned and kissed him on his forehead, then finally left to join Junsu and Yoochun back outside.

0o0

As soon as he dropped Junsu off, he doubled back to C&M. Dayoung was still at the front desk, though her poster stack was much shorter.

“That adorable little Chaozhi ah took them off my hands,” she said brightly. “He said his mother would help market it to her students, god bless his heart. How's your friend?”

“Better. I went down to Yunho's, too.”

“Ah, that handsome friend of yours.”

“Yes.”

“Verrryy handsome,” she said, lifting an eyebrow. Like Auntie Minjung, he was sure she was beginning to suspect them, but he didn't want her blabbing to their parents just yet, so he kept quiet.

“Is your boyfriend in?”

“Stan? Yeah, he's here. Why, do you want to talk to him? No fair, so do I. But I'm chained to the desk. Give him kisses for me!”

“...not a chance.” Jaejoong waved to her and headed upstairs.

It was an interesting mix of people in the practice room: Brie was doing a routine in front of the mirror alone, and Shinwon and Chansik were on the couch together with earphones in. He caught their eyes and nodded. Chansik looked about ready to get up and say a proper hello to him, but Shinwon grabbed his arm at this moment and leaned in to say something. Jaejoong was in a bit of a hurry to talk to Hi Stan about the video he'd filmed, so he was grateful to Shinwon, even if he hadn't done it on purpose.

Just as he was turning the corner to get to the offices, another hand reached out to grab him. He turned around. Unsurprisingly, it was Soorin, though he hadn't even noticed she was there to begin with. “I need your help,” she said, pulling him back to the practice room and through the side hall where the break room was.

“Noona, I have to-”

“It will just be a moment.”

She had a laptop set up on the table, which was playing some sort of talk show. She pushed him down into the chair in front of it, then gestured for him to watch. There was some author Jaejoong vaguely remembered hearing of being interviewed about his new book, but he didn't understand why Soorin wanted him to see it.

She knelt down next to her laptop and pushed her face next to the screen. “Does he look like me,” she asked, pointing to the writer.

“Eh?” He didn't get why she was asking. The author was clearly in his fifties, and a man, so why should she care? She had her share of anti-fans, but he doubted they were the type to mock her for being a look alike to some random guy in the literary world.

“I'm serious,” she said. “Does he look like me.”

Jaejoong looked back and forth between the two faces. He was pretty average, and she was beautiful. There wasn't much of a comparison to draw.

“I guess your noses are close,” he said, just because she was staring at him so seriously.

“I thought so, too,” she said solemnly. “His is a bit bigger here and here.” She poked the bridge and tip of her nose. “But still very close.”

“Is that all you needed?”

“Not yet.” She pointed to the man again. “Do you know him.”

“I've heard of him. If you've been watching the interview, you probably know more than me. Why?”

“When you have a story to tell, you keep on telling it. Even if you say you'll write something else, you'll just keep telling your same old story, even if it's hidden in other words. But your same old story is the most beautiful thing you can ever say. Because it's the truth.” She stared at the laptop screen. “My father said those words to me, when I was little. But I don't know who my father is. He was a writer. He had a typewriter, and then an old computer. He would write stories in his office, and when he didn't like them, he would wrinkle them up and throw them. I remember the piles of paper, the things he said about his same old stories, but I don't remember his face.” She poked the screen, her fingers landing on the author's nose. “I wonder if this is him.”

“You couldn't ask your mother?” Jaejoong asked, for lack of anything else to say. He hadn't been expecting such frankness from her. Those kinds of words were usually not said so matter-of-factly, even if it was from an oddball like Soorin.

“I don't think I should,” Soorin said. “She's in the hospital, my mother. He left her. My real father.” She poked the screen again. “Maybe that man did. She had cancer, and he left us. She could barely pay for the bills, for me. I had to go into fostering when I was seven, and I couldn't see her after that, because she was so sick. She got better for awhile, but she was still paying off bills, couldn't afford to get me back. I didn't see her again until I joined the agency. I give her money from our promotions, but I haven't earned the right to bring up things that are painful to her.” The name of the author flashed across the bottom of the screen. Park Junho, it said. “A pseudonym probably,” she said tonelessly. “Park Junho, who doesn't know someone with that name or close to it. All of Park Junho's books are about fathers who do selfless things for their children, even when they're torn apart. Sounds like a same old story to me.”

Jaejoong didn't know what to say. None of these things had come up about Soorin online. All of her members had open details on their past-- Gaeun's on the countryside, Brie's in England, Saehee's as the daughter of a trot singer-- but no one knew anything about Soorin. Just that she had shown up at the company and auditioned. Just that she was a great singer.

“Don't feel sorry for me,” Soorin said, finally looking at him. “You have your own sadness in your songs. I have mine. Our pain doesn't belong to each other. I just wanted to know if I looked like Park Junho, who might be my father. You can go back now.”

“Noona...” Jaejoong said softly. “I understand your confusion a little. I was adopted when I was little.” The words felt odd, coming from him. He didn't talk about it. The woman who raised him was his mother, the man who raised him his father, his sisters were his; he'd never for a moment felt otherwise, even when he fought with them. “The name that matters on your birth certificate is yours. If your father left you, you don't need to follow after him.”

She nodded, as if this was something she already knew. “He took it from me,” she said all the same. “My same old story. Every time I try to write, I think of him. Or at least the wadded up paper on his floor. I don't know why he left me, or what history he's rewritten without us in it. But I can't write without knowing. Words just seem like lies when I say them, like the lies he said to me. So I can't say anything.” She reached out and lifted up his hand. “But when you write, you're honest. It moves my heart, even though I can't be like you.”

That was the most emotion he'd ever heard out of her, and it also moved him. He had a feeling that she hadn't told this story often before, not even to her members. She was content to just shine when she sang and fade when she didn't rather than to have the entire world know about the hole in her heart. He could understand that. Even though she wasn't in this for herself, she was still locked in a pain she couldn't get out of.

“Soorin noona,” Jaejoong said suddenly, putting his thoughts of the video he wanted to give to Hi Stan behind him for the moment. “I want to help.”

She shook her head. “Don't bother. Pointing out the similarity of our noses was enough.”

“No, I mean it,” he said. “I don't think I can direct you towards your real father, but when you're ready to tell write again, when that day comes, I want to help you. I know you're afraid of the words, but I can be brave for you, right? I can help you tell it.”

She looked at him blankly. “Why. I'm not anything to you. Just a ghost girl.”

“It's because you're not a ghost, you're a person, and you wouldn't have confided in me if you thought I was the kind of person who wouldn’t care.” He smiled. “Besides, I know from experience how much having someone on your side makes a difference. I feel like I owe the universe a debt for that.”

“Okay...” she said, sounding a bit uncertain. “You are a generous person, Kim Jaejoong.”

He shook his head. “I just have had people you've taught me something important, and I made a promise not to forget that anymore. So I won't.”

and always be by my side my love
Our own harmony that no one knows of
We hide the falling
‘moonlight and underneath it
The secret that calls
Upon us is so beautiful