ONLY LOVE

Jaejoong latched onto the truck door handle, his knuckles turning white as Yunho lurched over a pot hole big enough to make him wonder if a comet had fallen and taken out a portion of the road. Their work day was over and they were headed back to the house, but as always, the ride back made him even more exhausted than he had been originally. Even the trot songs on the radio weren't surviving this time, since the stereo skipped every time they hit a bump.

“Aish,” Yunho cursed, hanging on to the steering wheel. “I swear, once I get enough money, I'm scrapping this piece of crap and getting some good.”

“That's really what you want to spend your money on?”

“No. I want recording equipment and a new guitar, but whenever my parents call, they remind me I should be saving up for university or work.” He pouted. “Music doesn't count.”

“You've never thought of going pro with it?”

“Of course I have, but most the idols these days start off so young. I feel like I missed my shot, you know? I guess I could try anyways, but...” he pursed his lips as he navigated another pot hole, “the family would not be pleased.”

“Even Auntie Minjung?”

“Auntie Minjung isn't the one in control of my inheritance. What about you, have you thought about it?”

“A little. I love performing, but subjecting myself to public opinion doesn't sound all that fun.”

“Really? I think they'd love you. You've got all the right visuals, and your voice is gorgeous.”

“Thanks...” Jaejoong cleared his throat. Little compliments like that were destroying his heart rate these days, but Yunho continued to be generous with them. He had to assume that the majority of them stemmed from the fact that Yunho was a friendly guy who drew people to him like a magnet, but it was a struggle for him not to occasionally hope he was being looked at specially. He was the one spending the most time with Yunho now, after all, and though that time had an expiration date, he still wanted to make it count.

“Anyways, I don't think someone who can't even get his classmates to like him has much hope with the rest of the world,” Jaejoong said lightly.

“I like you.”

“You like a lot of people.”

“But you in particular.” Yunho pulled up into the driveway and shut off the car for a moment. “Besides, it would be a shame for you to do nothing with those songs of yours.”

“I could sell them to other singers.”

“No. Absolutely do not do that. Those songs were made for you. So I guess we'll just have to make a professional singer out of you, huh?”

“Good luck with that,” Jaejoong laughed, leaping out of the truck cab. “Going out on your mystery mission today?”

“Yeah. I'll be back in time for dinner.” He wrinkled his nose. “It's Auntie cooking this time, right? Maybe you can sneak in and fix it for her?”

“We'll see.”

“Just don't let her accidentally poison you, Jaejoongie!” Yunho waved out the window and started up the truck again.

Jaejoong watched him drive away, his face overcome by a wide smile. Jaejoongie. If anything, that was a sign they were growing closer. It was impossible for them to be as close as Jaejoong wanted them to be, but this was fine. Just feeling the beautiful heat the washed over him when Yunho said his name was enough, and it would be selfish to ask for more. He was finally happy after spending so long being unhappy, and even if his love had to wind up being unrequited, he was still glad to have experienced this kind of feeling genuinely for the first time.

When he turned around to head into the house, he realized that someone had been sitting on the porch, watching them. He squinted his eyes. It was Yoochun. A very smug looking Yoochun, to be exact. Jaejoong didn't know him as well as he knew Junsu and Changmin, so he felt a little nervous as he approached him. Was it actually possible for him to make friends if Yunho wasn't there to help him? He wasn't sure.

“Hey, hyung,” Yoochun said, waving lazily. “Worked hard today?”

“Of course. Uh, Yunho's-”

“Off on his daily dose of 'nothing,' I know. That's fine. It was you I wanted to talk to.” He patted the area of the porch next to him. “Come on, sit down.”

Jaejoong plopped down next to him and accepted the unopened can of cola he had in his hands. Already, he felt as if his nervousness was disappearing. Yoochun didn't have the sort of natural brightness that Junsu did to put him at ease, but there was something comforting and familiar about his relaxed attitude that made it feel as if he'd been around Jaejoong for years rather than just a handful of weeks.

“So,” Yoochun said. “I wanted to talk about Yunho hyung.”

“...yes?”

“You like him, don't you?”

Jaejoong spit out the mouthful of cola he'd just been drinking and started coughing violently while Yoochun patted him on the back. “W-what?” he sputtered when he'd caught his breath. “I c-can't, he's a guy!”

“Yeah, and? Contrary to what everyone tries to make us think, that sort of thing does happen. And not to be a jerk or anything, but I do have eyes. I've seen the way you look at him.”

“But I-”

“It's okay,” Yoochun said, squeezing Jaejoong's shoulder. “I'm not judging you, and I'm definitely not telling you not to like him. He's a good guy, and so are you. In fact, I came here to encourage you.”

“Encourage me,” Jaejoong repeated in a daze. This has to be a joke, he has to be laughing at me in that head of his. I need to go back home before Yunho figures out, too.

“Yeah. Because when I look at you, I see someone who cares about him in the way he should be cared about. There aren't that many who go about love so with-” he racked his brain for the word- “an unshallow attitude these days. Trust me as someone who's know Yunho for awhile, most people who fall for him care more about his looks than anything, then wind up disappointed when they find out that he likes being spoiled just as much as he likes spoiling. He's close, but he certainly isn't the perfect prince they think he is.”

“But even if you say that, he's not...” Jaejoong stared at the ground, his heart throbbing. “He's not like me.”

Yoochun shrugged. “As for that, who's to say? He's only had just the one girlfriend, you know, and that was only for a few months last summer. You won't hear me say that it went terribly well for him.”

“Minhee?”

“Eh, how would you know that? Did he actually talk about her for once?”

“No, but you mentioned her the first time we met.”

“Did I? You have a pretty good memory for your rivals,” Yoochun said, chuckling. “Not that I would call her one. She asked Yunho hyung out at the beginning of last summer... one of those cases of her watching him from afar at the market, so he didn't actually know her too well when she confessed, honestly. But Yunho's a romantic sort of guy in his heart. He really, really loves the idea of looking after someone and being looked after to the point where someone like Minhee was bound not to meet his expectations. She was very cute, but she didn't really need him. Whenever he couldn't see her because of work or something, she was more annoyed that he wasn't being a proper boyfriend than that she missed him. And then when he started to go out somewhere else every day after work without explaining himself...” Yoochun shook his head. “I'm not blaming her, really. I don't know what kind of guy spends every hour of every day either working or sneaking out or playing the guitar when he has a girlfriend, but it's definitely a guy who shouldn't have a girlfriend in the first place. But that was the straw that broke her back. She told him that if he wanted to stay together, he'd have to give up his hobbies and spend more time with her, or else there was no point.”

“And what did he say?”

“He wanted to talk about it more. God knows what they actually said to each other, after that. Yunho doesn't like to mention it, for obvious reasons. That conversation was the kiss of death for them. He wasn't in love with her, or else he would have given his entire world to her because that's just the kind of guy he is, and she didn't know him well enough to be in love with him, so they inevitably broke up as soon as that became clear. And honestly, I don't think the fact that he lost her really disappointed Yunho hyung all that much. I think he was just disappointed that he hadn't been able to fall in love like he'd wanted to.”

Jaejoong nodded, remembering how solemn the intense love he'd written about in Wasurenaide had made Yunho, and how he had said he'd never been in love before to that extent, but had wanted to. But that wasn't all that surprising. He was young, and most people in the world didn't immediately find a love match with the first person they dated. That still didn't mean he was going to fall in love with Jaejoong. In fact, that he accepted a girl even though he didn't know her all that well indicated he was straight more than anything.

“And why do you think it would be any different for me?” Jaejoong asked, finally.

Yoochun grinned. “The thing about Yunho hyung is that he's friendly. He has so many friends back at school that I can't keep track of them. Everyone likes him and wants to be around him. But at the same time, he's that friendly guy with almost everyone. No one is particularly special, although I guess you could argue that he's closer with Changmin and Junsu and me since he's known us for forever. So whoever he'll fall in love with will be the person who is different enough to be special.” Yoochun placed his pointer finger in between Jaejoong's eyebrows. “I'm placing my money on you.”

“Me? How am I special? He goes out every evening just like with Minhee, and if I didn't work with him, I probably wouldn't be seeing him much either.”

Yoochun gently flicked Jaejoong's forehead. “Wrong! Do you even look at him when you're working on your music together, hyung? That look of pure adoration doesn't come from nothing.”

“It comes from him loving my music.”

“Yeah, Yunho loves music, he loves plenty of music, but he's never loved it that much before. Maybe it's just the songs. Or maybe it's the songs and the fact you wrote them. I don't know any more than you do right now, hyung. But since you don't really know, you'd be stupid to give up until you did. That's all I want to say.”

“That's fine,” Jaejoong said, exhaling tiredly. “But I'm okay with the way it is. If I press it and I'm wrong...”

“Yunho hyung would be the last person on earth to treat you badly over something like that.”

“I know. But it would still be difficult for me to be friends with him after that. And for someone like me, having friends is more important than having a lover. If I lose Yunho, I'm right back where I started.”

“Wrong again. You have me now, don't you? I won't turn my back on you over something stupid.” He laughed to himself. “There is something I'd like to try, though. Would it bother you if I stayed for dinner?”

“Auntie Minjung is cooking.”

He sighed. “I'll live. I want to see Yunho hyung before I go. Besides, I'd like to talk to you, too. Yunho's not the only one who likes your songs. Are you still writing? I was thinking it might be fun to work in more rap parts into your songs. The idols are doing that a lot these days.”

“I don't think I'd be any good at rapping.”

“Maybe not. But if you're thinking about doing songs all five us can sing together, I wouldn't mind trying it.”

They spent another half-hour discussing music together before Yunho pulled back up in the truck. As soon as Yunho had turned off the ignition, Yoochun gave Jaejoong a wink and rested his hand on his knee. Trust me, he mouthed.

“Yoochunnie,” Yunho called out, leaping down from his seat. “What a surprise. How long have you been here?”

“I was here when you left, you just didn't see me. Jaejoongie and I have been chatting.”

“Jaejoongie? How rude to your hyung.”

“It's okay. We're buddies now, right?” He playfully squeezed Jaejoong's knee.

“Yah, what are you doing?” Yunho stepped up and swatted Yoochun's hands away. “Don't bother him.”

“I'm not bothering him. We're friends.”

“Hmph.” Yunho extended his hand to Jaejoong and helped him to his feet. “Let's go inside, Jaejoongie. You don't have to put up with him if you don't want to.”

Yoochun simply laughed, smiling at Jaejoong knowingly. “Not special at all, are you?” he snickered. “Looks like I'm betting on the right guy after all.”

0o0

Yoochun refused to leave after dinner, much to Yunho's annoyance, so all three of them wound up in Yunho's room for music practice. Jaejoong hadn't shown Yunho a new song since All Alone since they'd gotten caught up in perfecting Mine together, or else working on Wasurenaide when all five of them were there. But they'd pretty much did everything they could with Jaejoong's first song for the time being, and with Changmin and Junsu not around, the sound of Wasurenaide would be uneven. Jaejoong decided that he'd rather just show them something else rather than have to sing All Alone in front of Yoochun; it was a private song now, in a way, something that belonged only to himself and to Yunho.

“Can we see one of your new songs?” Yoochun asked when Jaejoong pulled out his notebook. “One of the songs you've written since coming here? I want to hear a real deal love song.” He winked again, but Yunho didn't notice.

“I'm curious, too,” he said, nodding energetically. “I hope you've been taking my advice and writing something happy.”

Jaejoong flipped open his notebook to the last page he'd written on. His heart surged when he saw the freshly written words scribbled in English on the top: Only Love. Could he really show Yunho this? Having Yoochun around would make the atmosphere less weird (unless he wanted to sneak some encouraging in, naturally), but there was no getting around the fact that this was a full-blown and fairly happy love song. Even though he'd already said Wasurenaide was part of his imagination, would Yunho fall for that excuse twice? Wouldn't even he be somewhat alarmed that a line like will this kind of love ever come to me again? had entered into Jaejoong's mind during the time they were together?

Yoochun and Yunho read the lyrics together, Yoochun translating the English for Yunho as they went, and Jaejoong watched nervously as smiles grew on both of their faces. Yoochun definitely got it, but Yunho was most likely falling in love with only the words, just as he always did. Just because a piece of Jaejoong's heart was in those very same words didn't mean it added up and amounted to them being properly in love with each other.

“This is good, Jaejoongie,” Yunho said excitedly. “What kind of song do you think this is? A ballad?”

Jaejoong sighed, slightly disappointed at how much had gone over his head. “A dance track, maybe. I was thinking of it as a celebration of someone who has fallen in love for the first time.”

“Hmm. I don't know if I can do too much for it with my guitar, then. If only I could buy that recording equipment, we could work on some beats for it together.” He looked at the lyrics longingly. All the love in his eyes really was directed towards them, after all.

Don't think about it, don't pretend for a second there's any hope in what you're feeling. “Yoochun-ah,” Jaejoong said to distract himself, gesturing to the breakdown of the song written in the notebook. “Like we were talking about, I think this part would sound nice if it was rapped. Do you want to try?”

“Yah!” Yunho objected, his lips cutely jutting out. “You guys have been having those kinds of discussions without me?”

“You were the one who was conveniently out and about, hyung,” Yoochun pointed out.

“That's... not the point. If you want someone to do the rap line, I can do it.”

“Except for the part where you can't speak English...”

“I don't know what any of it means, but I know how their alphabet works.” He looked down at the notebook. “'My one and only, joo... joost put it on me.'”

“That would be 'just'.”

“Your pacing isn't bad though,” Jaejoong said, giving Yoochun a mild glare. “If you can figure out the pronunciation, you'll be fine. Try saying it after me: 'My one and only, just put it on me, until the day we fall, up to the sky, to the end, ain't no other but you, no cloud in the sky's above you...”

Yunho repeated the words slowly, then once he'd gotten a grasp on how they were supposed to be said, he quickened his pace and began to rap them. Like Jaejoong had initially thought, his tone was very good. He didn't have a deep tone like most of the famous rappers Jaejoong knew, but there was something seductive in his delivery, as if he was teasing with the words rather than simply speaking them.

Too bad he doesn't know what they mean, Jaejoong thought regretfully. I could get used to this...

“Well, you two seem to have this in hand,” Yoochun said after Yunho mastered the first few lines. “I should be heading back. Take care of yourself, hyung. And you, Yunho hyung, treat my new friend kindly!” He winked at Jaejoong before walking out of the room.

“You shouldn't get too close to him,” Yunho muttered, wrapping his arm around Jaejoong's shoulders protectively. “He's a sneaky guy.”

“But he's nice, too, isn't he?”

“Yeah, but you shouldn't get too close anyways. If you have me, you don't need him.”

Jaejoong smiled back at Yunho sadly. Though he hadn't said it, he could feel the ghost of Yunho's absent words. If you have me as a friend, you don't need him. Because no matter what point Yoochun was trying to make in having him be jealous, it was their relationship over music that Yunho didn't want Yoochun intruding upon. He didn't like them talking about the songs Jaejoong wrote in case Yoochun became the one he wanted to share them with, rather than him.

“Don't worry,” Jaejoong said, trying to dampen the darkness in his tone. “You are the one I owe my songs to.”

“Hmm?” Yunho titled his head. “I don't know what you mean, but you don't owe anything. I'm the one who's happy you're here.”

But it's only a fraction of my own happiness, Jaejoong thought. And I stand by that, no matter what Yoochun says. It's fine this way. You want me to like you the most as a friend and someone you admire, and that's all I will ever be.

There’s no need for words, you’re my only love
Will this kind of love ever come to me again?

You and I, forever will remain for sure, yeah
You’re the only one, my last love