FOREVER LOVE

In his dreams, the blistering heat washed over him again. He knew better than to try and move and fight the dizziness clouding his head. His body was too weak. He was too weak. All he could do was fall to his knees and burn until Yunho called out for him. He'd had this nightmare before. This was the beginning, but there was ending, too. He would wake up. Yunho would find him, as he always did, and he wouldn't have to suffer anymore.

In his half-delirious haze, he heard footsteps approaching him. He's here, he thought, but then realized that the pace of his movements was wrong. This wasn't Yunho. A hand touched his face, sharp fingernails digging into the skin of his cheek and cutting it open. He tried to cry out, but his voice failed him. The hand grabbed him roughly and ground his face into the hot concrete, scorching his raw skin. He fought wildly against it, tearing the hand's vice grip on his face even as hot tears of pain slid down his face.

“Stop kidding yourself,” a familiar and dangerously sweet voice whispered into his ear. “Just give up. You are nothing.”

“No,” he whispered, choking on his dry throat. “You're wrong.”

“Am I? How does someone like you measure up to me?” She laughed wildly. “One word from me, and you'll crumble to ash. I have you in the palm of my hand. He's losing faith in you now. You've run out of chances. So why don't you just die already? The world doesn't need you. Someone like you who doesn't trust his own heart is a waste of space.”

“I'm not,” Jaejoong said, fighting with his dying voice. “I'm not that person anymore.”

“You're not? You could have fooled me.” The voice tickled against the skin of his throat, where her hands s up to choke him. “You think you can erase the boy you were? He's still inside of you. The same boy who ran away from home rather than face the reality of his life. The same boy who locked himself in his room and never told anyone the truth but the pages of a notebook. You think you have friends, but you're as alone as you ever were. No one can save you from me. Give in.”

“No!” he said, louder this time, grabbing her hands away from his throat. “I never thought I could erase that part of me. I know I was like that. I know I'm still like that sometimes, even when I shouldn't be. But that was a part of my history, and I need to learn to live with that.”

“Live with it? Is that what you call what you're doing right now? You're not living, boy. You're waiting for someone who isn't coming. You're burning alive.”

Jaejoong shook his head, ignoring the press of her voice. “If I'd never made those mistakes, I would have never have met Yunho or anyone else. I don't regret it. Even if the person I was before is still inside of me, I'll just have to make him stronger so I don't give in again.”

“Stronger,” the voice scoffed. “All I see is a silly little boy lying in the ground. You think you're strong? You can't even touch me the way you are now.”

I know. I know I can't. But even if it kills me, I'm not letting this end here.

He opened his eyes. His vision was swimming and his legs were shaking, but he pulled himself up little by little until he was standing on his feet. He took a step forward. The blisters on his feet cried out in agony and the burns on his skin seared, but he kept on moving. If Yunho wasn't coming for him, he'd find him himself. He wasn't alone here. If he stopped believing in that, he really would lose.

“Why do you keep trying?” the voice hissed, trying to grab his hand and yank him back. “I keep telling you. You are nothing. You know that in your heart. GIVE UP!”

“I'm not nothing!” he screamed back, ignoring the hoarseness of his throat. “I'm important to a lot of people! Shim Changmin! Kim Junsu! Park Yoochun! My parents and sisters! Auntie Minjung and Hi Stan! Park Soorin! Seo Chansik, Lee Shinwon, Park Jongwoo, Huang Chaozhi, and Cha Haejin! More Cassiopeia than you can count!” He opened his eyes, dispelling the blurriness clouding them. “And I'm more important to the person I love than you will ever be. The one who should give up is you. Who do you have who loves you more than they fear you? I'm not going to lose to someone like that. I told you already: I'M NOT THAT PERSON ANYMORE.”

The voice fell silent and Jaejoong stopped walking. Yunho was standing right in front of him, holding out his hands and smiling warmly, his body blotting out the oppressive sun.

“You finally see me,” he said simply. “I've been waiting for you, all this time.”

“Yunho?” Jaejoong whispered, grabbing onto his hand, feeling the warm skin brushing against his. “Where...?”

“Where am I always?” he asked, turning Jaejoong's bracelet over, exposing the characters carved into its interlocking hands. “You were the one who forgot.”

A feeling of shame filled his heart. “I know,” he said softly. “But I won't. Ever again. I promise.”

“Then I'll believe you,” Yunho said.

“That easily? Why?”

“Because I love you. And this isn't the ending.” He pulled Jaejoong's hands and lifted him into his arms. “It's only another beginning.”

0o0

As soon as Jaejoong woke up, he grabbed his phone from beside his pillow and dialed Yunho's number.

“Jae?” Yunho answered, sounding confused. “Why are you calling?”

“I wanted to hear your voice.”

“...after last night, you want to talk to me?”

Jaejoong winced. “About yesterday... I'm really sorry. I could have explained myself better about Chansik ah. And... even though you didn't want to talk about what's been going on with me last night, I should have insisted. I don't want there to be any more trouble between us, okay?”

“That's not what I meant. I don't feel bad about chewing you out a little, but I was the one who should have listened. I'm just... when you're the one I'm mad at, it's worse than usual. I can't think straight.”

“Then let's both get over ourselves and handle this the way we should have from the beginning. We need to talk.”

The other end went silent for a few seconds. “You want to do this on the phone? We're getting ready to go to your place to pick you up for practice. This isn't a good time.”

“I know. But at least before we go onstage tonight. It's really, really, really important.”

“If it's so important, why have you waited until now to tell me? Can you at least explain that?”

“Because I'm an idiot.”

“Explanation accepted for now. I'll expect a better one later.” He cleared his throat. “I was wrong, too. I know there's nothing between you and Chansik ah. Just... be more careful, all right? I don't like it when people who aren't me get to touch you when I'm not around.”

“Explanation accepted.” Jaejoong lowered his voice. “Just get here quickly. I want to see you.”

When Yunho hung up, Jaejoong grabbed his workout clothes and hopped in the shower. He was technically in the exact same place as before. Dami still had the pictures of Soorin and the recording of him about Yunho, but he felt a little bit better now that he'd partially given up on keeping his end of the bargain. He'd have to play it very carefully. If she guessed for a second that Yunho knew, it would be game over for all of them, and he'd have thrown Soorin under the bus only for the sake of having Yunho not misunderstand him. But it had been a dangerous game from the very beginning. He'd just have to play smarter than her, and not let her sense that he was shifting his strategy.

By time he'd finished getting dressed, the van had arrived for him outside. He slid into the middle seat next to Yoochun, who immediately placed his hand on his forehead and started fussing over him.

“You're better, I hope?” Yongsoo manager asked from the front seat. “The stage tonight is pre-recorded, but it's still important. A lot of the in-studio audience will be Cassiopeia.”

“I'm fine,” Jaejoong said. His headache had died down, and even though his body was still tired, it was nothing he couldn't deal with.

“For real this time?” Yunho asked, glancing back from the passenger seat.

“For real.”

“Yongsoo hyung, is it okay if we have a group meeting before practice?” Yunho asked. “There's something the five of us need to go over.”

“Then talk about it here. We brought in some of the extras from the MV shoot to do back up for the stage, and you need to get the routine down to pat with them before we go the station. You won't have time for a special meeting.”

“Which extras?” Jaejoong asked immediately.

“... I didn't go around memorizing names. Hyunsoo nim picked some of his favorites from Changmin ah's club scene to give your stage the same chaotic vibe the video had.”

“No Sung Dami, though?” Yoochun asked on Jaejoong's behalf.

“Nope. Don't count on top actresses appearing in all of your shows. That was a one time deal.”

“Can we just have ten minutes?” Yunho asked again. “It's not something we can talk about here.”

“You guys shouldn't be doing anything you can't talk about here,” Yongsoo scolded him. “If you want a moment, do well in your practices.”

Just as Yongsoo promised, the practice room at C&M played host to about ten of the dancers from their original shooting. When DBSK walked in, they all formally bowed, and just as Jaejoong was about to bob his head, he locked eyes with one of the female dancers standing in front of him.

“You!” he said loudly, before he could stop himself. She'd chopped off some of her hair, but he recognized her face perfectly. She was the girl who hid behind the dumpster recording his conversation with Dami at the Rising Sun filming. It was almost offensive how little effort Dami was putting into planting her mole, unless she'd wanted to rattle Jaejoong on purpose. If so, it wasn't working. If anything, this was his chance to finally get a hold of the recording where she implicated herself, and he wasn't going to let it slip from his fingers.

“Pipe down,” the girl hissed. “Do you want everyone to hear?”

It didn't seem like Yongsoo had heard him, at least. “Where is your choreographer?” he was griping. “Is it just me, or is he always late?”

“Good. A free moment, then.” The dancer leaned in to Jaejoong. “Let me tell you something, honey: I am not working for that anymore. You know that drama part she promised me? She conveniently left out the fact that she doesn't have the power to get me a part, but could only get me an audition. An audition she knew Shin Sekyung-ssi would also be there for, so I didn't have a shot in hell for it anyways.” She huffed in annoyance. “It makes me glad I kept that recording she asked me to make. Stupid thinks she doesn't even need it as long as she has your photos, but she forgot about the part where she confesses to stalking those Starkiss girls. Guess money can't buy you brains.”

“You still have the recording?” Jaejoong asked urgently.

“Course I do. It's like I nice little gold mine, isn't it? I don't have much of an interest in blackmailing you, or anything, but Dami...” She grinned wickedly. “I could have that dancing out of the palm of my hand when she figures out who I could leak it to.”

“She many not be as smart as she thinks she is, but she has more power on her side than you,” Jaejoong reminded her. “Threaten her, and she'll crush you. Or you could let me have the recording, and I'll do the work for you.”

“You kidding me?” She laughed sardonically. “I know what you want that recording for, honey. You're just going to erase it so no one finds out about your little crush on handsome over there. Sorry, but I'm not letting little miss Dami-ssi go unpunished for toying with me.”

“You're wrong,” Jaejoong said. “You think after what she tried to do to me, I'd just erase the tape and let it go? I have bigger plans than you do for Dami-ssi. I'm not going to blackmail her. I'm going to turn her in and destroy her career so that even rookies like you will have a better chance than her of getting on screen. But to do that, I need your recording.”

“Now there's a thought,” the dancer mused, her lips curling. “But I could do what you just suggested myself, and get the credit for it. I can just see the front page of Dispatch. 'Budding actress exposes Sung Dami as a fraud, is cast in drama retelling of the tale of lies, betrayal, and intrigue'.”

“Or you can be left as an anonymous tipster since no one actually knows who you are,” Jaejoong said harshly. “Look, I'm not the only one with a stake in this, all right? She stalked Han Minjun-ssi. The Han Minjun. If you give me the recording, I'll make sure to put in a word about you to him. I don't know if he has a better shot of helping you with your career than Dami-ssi, but he has about 100% more scruples than her.”

“Han Minjun,” she murmured. “Now you're talking, honey. But you know that she still has your photos, don't you? Even if you turn her in, she'll still leak those unless your company pays someone off.”

“I'll figure out what to do about those later,” Jaejoong said, sensing that she was beginning to crack. “For now, I just need to build a foundation of a case against her, okay? And I swear to you, I will make her suffer.”

“Fine, fine,” she said, pulling out her phone. “Give me your number, and I'll transfer it over. If you manage to make Dami's life a living hell for what she did, I'll erase your number and not leak it to your sasaeng fans for a buck. And if you keep your word about chatting to Minjun-ssi, I'll erase the original recording from my phone and not even consider using it to blackmail you about handsome later. Deal?”

“Deal.” Jaejoong gave her his number and waited for her to transfer the file. The moment it showed up in his inbox, he breathed a deep sigh of relief. All right, step one. I just need the photos now, and I can start to end this.

Finally, their choreographer showed up, and he had to put it out of his mind once again. They'd been practicing the Rising Sun routine for so long that it felt like second nature, but he felt sharper with it than he had for the past few weeks. Even their choreographer, who almost always had complaints, was quicker to praise than he usually was.

“All right,” Yongsoo called out after they'd run through their stage a few more times. “DBSK, you can take half-an-hour to yourselves. Just that, all right? Then it's onto your MV release and then your stage, all right?”

“Thanks, hyung.” Yunho nodded to the break room. “Come on, you four. Group meeting.”

As soon as they were in the room, Jaejoong quickly locked the door and shut the blinds. “All right,” he said quickly. “I don't really know how to say any of this, and we don't really have time. But I owe you all-- especially Yunho-- an explanation of what's been wrong.”

“Something's been wrong?” Junsu asked blankly.

“Nope, Jaejoong hyung just sulks around because everything's fine,” Changmin said dryly. “Seriously, hyung, you have eyes, use them sometime.”

“Forget about that for now,” Jaejoong said impatiently. “It will take awhile to explain it myself, so I'll just let you hear for yourself. Just promise me...” He looked directly at Yunho. “Promise me you'll stay until the end and listen to what I have to say about it.”

The four of them looked at each and nodded. Jaejoong set down his phone on his table and started the recording for them to hear.

It was hard for him to hear it a second time. He winced when he heard her calling Soorin a freak and admitting to having her followed, and then again when he heard her detail Yunho as her target in such cold and clinical terms. But nothing was worse than looking at Yunho's face when she said the words that had hit Jaejoong right in the heart. You hide behind those laughs and extravagant personality of yours, but in your heart, you can't watch him without squirming and doubting yourself. Your kind of love is twisted. You're sick.

“Oh my god,” Yoochun said when the recording finally shut off. “Oh my god, hyung.”

“That's...” Changmin sputtered, staring down at the phone. “She had Starkiss followed? She had us followed? For all this time... this whole time we were being stalked by her?”

“She was blackmailing you?” Junsu said, looking appalled.

Yunho didn't say anything immediately. He just stared down at Jaejoong's phone with his look of cold fury, which was as bone-chilling as ever. He seemed to be following Jaejoong's request to stay put until they talked, but just barely.

“I was only just able to get this recording from the dancer who took it,” Jaejoong explained, trying to keep his cool for Yunho's sake. “And Soorin noona's is trying to see what evidence Minjun-ssi can turn up. But I have to get those pictures. I'm not going to let her get away with sabotaging Soorin.”

“Why didn't you tell us this as soon it happened?” Yoochun asked. “How did you think you were going to get those pictures by yourself? She's not just going to leave her purse around for you to rob!”

“Are you crazy?” Junsu asked. “She was stalking us. If she's as psychotic as she sounds, who's to say she hasn't been hacking our phones or bugging us, or something? You know how close hyung is to Soorin noona. He wouldn't risk exposing her to public hatred for anything, right?”

“And that's what you always do,” Yunho said finally. “Hold things inside to the point where it makes you miserable. But how do you think I felt over these past few weeks? Even when I thought it was just because you were sick, and I had to watch you keep pulling away from me, and now... now to find out it was partially because of me...”

“Hyung, you didn't ask her to do this because of you,” Changmin said sharply.

“I know I didn't! But you just sat there quietly and let me stomp on your heart because I was close to her.” He tore his fingers through his hair. “You let me go out to that stupid party with her, all the while knowing what she was and what she wanted. I talked and laughed with that person, that... monster who would do this kind of thing to you! I feel disgusting.” He rose to his feet. “You're turning that in. I'm not sitting still another second while she's out there doing what she's doing.”

“No!” Jaejoong grabbed Yunho's hand and forced him back down. “No. I know she's my friend and not yours, but those photos of Soorin are not getting leaked under any circumstances. If they were just photos of me doing something I shouldn't, I wouldn't care. I would have turned her in the moment she opened and told me what she was doing. But this isn't just about me, or even you and me. It's about taking care of someone who's barely had someone to take care of her for her entire life. If I can't do as much for her... if I can't do as much, what was the point of even trying to help her in the first place? That's one of the reasons why I didn't think I could tell you. I knew you'd want to report Dami right away, but we can't. Maybe we'd actually get away with doing it today, but I still don't want to do anything until I know she can't use any of the evidence she has, not just this.”

Yunho stared up at him, his eyes tense. “Noona isn't powerless. People have been saying things about her since her debut, and she's never cared.”

“It may have seemed that way, but that whole 'ghost girl' name... she really took that to heart, I think. And even if she can take care of herself, I just didn't want her to have to face the same thing Saehee noona did, especially for a relationship she doesn't even have with me. And I couldn't stand her being mocked 'on my behalf'. Those pictures Dami had... they were of her crying after someone who should have loved her more than anything hurt her. If those got into the papers and my fans hated that sight of her because of me, I'd never forgive myself. But if I'm being honest, that's not the only reason I didn't tell you the truth.” He looked at Yunho. “Hearing me say this isn't going to make you happy, but it's how I feel. So you need to know. You can be angry at me all you want, but please just let me say this.”

Yunho looked at him warily, but finally nodded.

“I've lived the majority of my life expecting people to hate me. I'm not blind to the opinions of the world. I've watched the news and heard comments from all kinds of people. I know how most people would think of someone like me. That's why I didn't make an effort to talk to anyone when I realized I preferred men to women. I didn't want anyone to know. I knew that some people would want me to die just because what I am, and I couldn't take it. Without having to do anything but exist, I could be despised.” He held Yunho's eyes. “Even you. The first day I met you, I thought if you found out I was like this, you'd throw me out. And when I fell in love with you, honestly the last thing I was expecting was that you would ever feel the same about me. I'm not going to lie, but sometimes I still can't believe it, even though I know you do. And when the rest of you were okay with it... I knew how fortunate I was. And I've been fortunate since. Too fortunate. I've been warned all the time of what would happen when the wrong person found out. And then she did...” He shook his head. “I was shocked at first. But a part of me thought at the same time Ah, this is what should have happened ages ago. This is what my life is supposed to be. Finally someone is seeing me the way I always used to see myself.”

“Hyung...” Junsu said softly. Yoochun patted his leg, and Changmin simply stared him with pained eyes. The look in Yunho's eyes was the hardest to face. A blend of understanding, disappointment, anger, and culpability, as if it was somehow his fault Jaejoong felt that way.

“That's why I thought it was only my problem that she did this. I've prepared since I was kid to take this on alone, and I let myself forget that I'm not anymore. I'm not that person.” He wrapped his hand against the bracelet on his wrist. “And I forgot that having those thoughts doesn't just effect me anymore. That if I continue to think this way, it will hurt you, too. That's the last thing I want. Nothing has made me happier than being able to be together with you. I can't protect happiness if I don't let you protect it, too.” He reached out to touch Yunho's arm. “I can't promise to never be envious again or to never make a choice I shouldn't. But if it's for you, I know I can do better. So I want to ask you this just one more time: will you believe in me?”

Yunho looked back at him, his expression slowly breaking. “You're right. It's not just your problem anymore. If someone hates you, for whatever reason, that's my business too. And if they're going to use their hatred to hurt you, that's my business even more. I get that you wanted to be careful. I even get how much protecting Soorin means to you. But next time-- if there is a next time like this-- even if there are things you can't say and people you need to protect, at least don't block me and all of us from understanding when you're in pain and letting us do something.”

“I promised I would protect you, hyung,” Changmin said, cracking his knuckles. “No one gets to pick on you, but me.”

“And personally, I'm not OK with being stalked or you and noona being blackmailed,” Yoochun said. “We'll all take care of this.”

“And one more thing,” Yunho said, squeezing his hand. “What happened to you should never happen to anyone, regardless of 'the way you are'. And your life should be only what you want it. You can be a bit of an idiot, do you know that?”

“Yes, I know,” Jaejoong sad quietly.

“I'm the one out of us who has the best shot of getting those pictures. If you thought of that ages ago, it wouldn't have gotten this far.”

“I know.”

“But I can be an idiot, too. I didn't even think of how you would feel about how much Dami paid attention at the shooting. Chunnie had to sit me down and give me a lecture before I figured it out, and even then... I got selfish and flattered a little bit. It was always me getting jealous over Minhee and Soorin and even Chansik ah... I just wanted to know that you could get as fired up over me. I had no idea that it was that serious.”

“If you two were so desperate to discover you were idiots, I could have helped you with that,” Changmin grumbled. “So what are we going to do now? How are you going to get noona's photos without Dami knowing that you know about her blackmailing hyung?”

Yunho glanced over at Jaejoong. “Did you have anything in mind?”

“Isn't it obvious?” Jaejoong sighed. “I don't want to do this, for the record. But you're going to have to seduce her.”

Changmin looked at Jaejoong as if he'd just spoken an appalling blasphemy, and Junsu started choking. Yunho just looked annoyed. “Truthfully, I don't think I can spend more than a half-an-hour in her presence knowing what I know now,” he said, wrinkling his nose. “Can't you just let me steal her camera from her purse or something?”

“We're turning Sung Dami in. No matter how we do it, the fact that she was stalking us is going to come out in the papers. I'd rather it not also come out that you robbed her to make it happen. Besides, you need the SD card, and the physical pictures she already printed. To get those, you're going to have to make her give them to you. And to do that, she's going to think she doesn't need them anymore. She's going to need to think you're in love with her.” Jaejoong mused. “Not only that. That you're in love with her, and that you think I'm the dirt beneath your shoes, or something. I really don't think she'll be happy unless she thinks she's crushed me, to be honest.”

“I don't know if I'm that good of an actor, Jae.”

“I don't know if I am either. But if I can make her think she has everything she wants and completely destroy that right in front of her eyes, I think I'll finally feel even after what she's done to Soorin and the rest of Starkiss and you guys, too.”

Changmin grinned. “That sounded genuinely mean spirited, hyung. I like it.”

“I guess if you put it like that...” Yunho tilted his head. “Anyways, we don't have the time to plan this all out now. For now, we just have to make sure she doesn't know we know and protect you and Soorin noona, huh? Oh, and it would help if we made her think you and I were fighting, right? No more touching out in public. We just have to act like that fight we were having never resolved itself.”

“But let's not do that in front of the fans,” Jaejoong said quickly. “I don't want to disappoint them.”

“As if they need more Yunjae,” Junsu muttered.

“Yunjae?”

“You haven't been reading the forums, have you? Some of them have got you figured out. In fact, it might not hurt if you let them suspect a little that you and Soorin were dating to cool them down a little bit.”

“Worry about that later,” Yunho said dismissively. “For now, let's just keep her and Jae out of the entertainment section and take care of the problem we do have. Group meeting adjourned!”

The light of the dusk shines brightly on the two of us
Burnng hotter than ever felt before
Deep inside the heart.
For a little while, I kept lying to myself that it's OK to be alone
But now, you, I'll never let go
I'll give you what you're looking for
Whenever, whenever
Forever love

Melting away every hesitation, let's go on, two of us together
You're the only love, forever