ALL ALONE

Jaejoong surprised himself with how quickly he acclimated to his new situation. The first few days after he started working in the market with Yunho, he'd come home with backaches and sore legs, and it took a vibrant facial sunburn to remind him to bring sunblock with him every day. But after those small setbacks, his body adjusted, and he began to enjoy the time he spent selling Auntie Minjung's vegetables. The customers and other vendors were all surprisingly friendly and enjoyed stopping by to chat, some so often that Jaejoong was beginning to feel like they were all old family friends. Changmin in particular was one of their most frequent customers, though he mostly dropped by to mooch and find out if Jaejoong was the one cooking dinner back at the house in the evening. If it was Jaejoong behind the stove instead of Auntie Minjung, he'd more often than not come over to join them, sometimes bringing Junsu and Yoochun over with him.

Jaejoong liked it when the five of them hung out. He'd gotten used to being alone, but he realized now that it wasn't how he wanted to be; he liked having these people around him, people who he could talk to and sing with like a regular person, people who didn't automatically think him crazy for loving his tattered notebook of words over going out and chasing girls. But all the same, he liked the evenings when it was just him and Yunho even better. He knew he shouldn't think too much of it, but he was growing slowly addicted to sitting side by side on Yunho's bed, going through his song lyric notebook or simply talking to each other about stupid little things. Yunho told him the story of how he'd come to the country from the city to live with his aunt after angering his parents by flunking out of all his classes in elementary school (a B-Boy group performed nearby, and he'd skip to go watch them instead of attending class), and Jaejoong in turn told him about the time that his sisters had ganged up on him and given him a makeover complete with false lashes and fake hair extensions. He felt guilty that he didn't tell Yunho anything truly important about him, but knew now more than ever that he had to keep his secrets close to his chest. He liked Yunho-- too much, sometimes-- and he didn't want to lose the first real friend he'd ever had by being overly honest.

There was only one thing that bothered him. Just as Yoochun pointed out, after he was sure Jaejoong had settled into living in the house, Yunho started disappearing without saying where he was going directly after their shift was over. He'd drop Jaejoong off at the house, and while Jaejoong either cooked dinner or showered after the day of work, he'd take the truck off somewhere and return about an hour and a half later. He was usually even more sweaty when he got back, but other than that, there were no indications of where he had gone or what he had done. It wasn't his business, but it still bothered Jaejoong that Yunho didn't explain himself to him, even though he was the person hiding more out of the two of them. Is he training for a marathon? Having an affair with a married woman? Doing something illegal behind his aunt's back?

What troubled him the most was that whatever Yunho was doing was also connected to that unknown girl Yoochun had mentioned in passing. So you upset Minhee so much over 'nothing'? Maybe he really was having an affair with a married woman, and his girlfriend had found out about it? Jaejoong shook his head, brushing the thought aside. They were high school students, and doing that would be a legal issue. Yunho was a good looking guy, but he was also a genuinely kind person, and he wouldn't do anything to deliberately hurt someone else. At least Jaejoong hoped he wouldn’t.

“What are you thinking about, Jaejoong-ssi?” Yunho asked, fanning himself with his hand. The heat still hadn't gone down, and was still the most difficult aspect of their job. “Do you need anything?”

“Nothing,” Jaejoong said quickly, standing up straighter. Yunho looked at him skeptically so he muttered, “Just thinking of more song lyrics” since Yunho was easily distracted by talking about music.

“Happy lyrics?” Yunho asked.

“Hmm?”

“I've noticed you write a lot of sad songs, so I was wondering if you were thinking of something happy this time.”

“Sad songs are easier for me to write.” I don't have the kind of life experience for happy songs, he added privately.

“Are they? Your songs are so beautiful, but...”

“But?”

“When I read them I can't help but worry that Jaejoong-ssi is also very sad.”

Jaejoong's throat suddenly felt very dry. Don't worry about me so much, it only makes me want to trust in you more, he thought to himself, but he couldn't let himself cross that line. It was true that he had been sad before, but the only reason he was able to be so happy now was that he was being careful and wasn't breaking any rules he shouldn't. If he pushed too far, Yunho would most likely come to doubt him just as much as everyone else did, and he didn't think he could bear that happening after the kindness Yunho had shown him thus far.

“That's not something you need to worry about,” he said finally. “Anyways, do you mind if I step out for a second? I ran out of water and need to refill.”

“Sure. Just be careful, a lot of people have been getting heatstroke around here, all right?” Yunho stepped aside to allow Jaejoong to pass through, but as soon Jaejoong walked around him, he was stopped by a couple who'd just walked up to front of their stall, their tanned arms slung around each other's shoulders.

“Yah!” the guy said loudly, loosing himself from his girlfriend. “Kim Jaejoong? You're Kim Jaejoong, right? How did you end up here all of all places?”

Jaejoong blinked. The guy was wearing shades, so he couldn't get a good look his face, but his voice sounded somewhat familiar. “Do I know you...?”

“Of course you do! I'm in your class, aren't I? Lee Junwoo? Ringing any bells?”

Lee Junwoo? Jaejoong could vaguely remember hearing such a name, but it still didn't stand out. He was probably some lackey of one of the more popular kids. Their faces all ran together in Jaejoong's mind, and he'd stopped trying to differentiate them. The girl looked much more familiar to him than the boy did. Her name was Jang Seunghee, and she was famous in their class for serially dating the wealthy guys in their school so she could afford her addiction for designer brand handbags. She had a new one slung over his shoulder, which Jaejoong remembered seeing in a celebrity advertisement on TV.

“Kim Jaejoong,” Seunghee was saying, wrinkling her tiny nose as if she'd smelled something bad. “Kim Jaejoong? We had such a person in our class?”

Junwoo snickered. “Eh? You don't remember him? He sat behind you in physics all last year. I guess he's kind of easy to miss if you don't like pretty boys,  though. He's not much of a talker.”

“Really? I slept through physics! You can't expect me to remember details like that.” She leaned forward and studied Jaejoong's face. “Hmmm. Oh, weren't you that guy we were always bugging to make things for bake sales? That was you, right? We used to pretend like we made all those cupcakes and cookies to impress the guys, but it was really you all along. I guess I blocked you out because someone like you is the enemy of women. You never know who a guy with such a pretty face and perfect cooking skills is going to distract.” She glanced at of the corner of her eyes at Yunho. “Only the people with questionable taste, that is.”

“Jaejoong is the real one with questionable taste,” Junwoo said. “I mean, what kind of guy joins the choir club and doesn't even try to pick up a single girl while he's there? He got confessed to a few times, and he turned everyone down. Now that's a real enemy of women.”

“Eh? Really?” Seunghee tilted her head. “Pretty girls aren't good enough for you, huh? Now that you mention it, I don't remember you ever paying the slightest bit of attention to me.”

“I can't afford you, Seunghee, so there wasn't a point,” Jaejoong said quietly. He just wished they would shut up and buy something. He was used to hearing conversations like this, but he didn't want Yunho to have to listen to it, too. Yunho had thus far been impressed by him and his music, but that could all could be destroyed in a heartbeat if his classmates continued ripping him down.

“Yeah, you definitely can't afford me if you're working at a place like this, but you're not bad looking. I might have played with you, if you'd asked nicely.”

“Still not my type. I'm sure you're a very nice girl, though.”

“So who is your type, Jaejoong?” Junwoo asked, smirking. “We've all heard the rumors. Someone like you who doesn't show the slightest interest, there's gotta be something wrong with a guy like-”

Before he could finish his sentence, a large thunk stopped him. Yunho had grabbed a skewer and speared the part of the stall right in front of Junwoo's hand. Junwoo yanked it away quickly and yelled, “Yah, what the hell!” but the look in Yunho's eyes made him stop yelling right away. There was something eerily calm but cold in his eyes that pierced through them even sharper than the skewer. Even Seunghee grew unnerved and looked at her feet rather than meet the intensity of his stare.

“I'm sorry,” Yunho said coolly. “My hand slipped. You were saying?”

“Uhh...” Junwoo stared at the two of them dumbly. As he sputtered, Changmin and Junsu appeared from behind him, grinning with what Jaejoong could only call a sinister air.

“I heard you were having trouble with bugs swarming around your area,” Chagmin said, looking down at Junwoo. He was at least two heads taller, and towered over him impressively. “Would you like me to squash them for you, hyung?”

“I brought my meat cleaver in case they get extra pesky,” Junsu brightly, lifting up his knife, which was still covered in fishmeat. “But that won't be a problem, will it?”

Junwoo muttered something under his breath, and quickly grabbed Seunghee's hand, pulling her away and disappearing into the crowd at the other end of the market.

“s,” Chagmin said, folding his long arms across his chest.

“Seriously,” Junsu said, setting down the cleaver. “If only I could use that technique on people who called me and Yoochunnie 'Mr. and Mrs. Fishcakes' at school. I mean, the audacity of calling Yoochun Mrs. anything!”

“I think they were talking about you, hyung.”

“That's even worse!” Junsu smiled gently and put his arm on Jaejoong's shoulder. “Don't let it bother you, hyung. For every decent guy out there, there's at least ten jerks, is what my umma always says. Best to just let the jerks have each other and spare yourself the pain of putting up with them.”

“Thanks for stepping in,” Yunho said, his voice still stiff. “Do you guys need anything else, or were you just passing by?”

“Just passing by.”

“Could you go fill up Jaejoong-ssi's water bottle for him? We're running low here.”

Junsu and Changmin looked back and forth between the two of them. Yunho's expression was pinched, and Jaejoong was just doing his best not to look as pitiful as Junwoo and Seunghee had made him feel. What will Yunho think of me now? What will any of them think?

“No problem,” Junsu said, taking the bottle. “C'mon, Changmin. Let's grab a few snacks on the way.”

When the two of them were out of the way, Yunho placed his hand around Jaejoong's wrist and touched him there gently. “I hate people like that,” he said softly. “They don't have any business judging you for living your life. They should worry about themselves.”

“It was nothing.”

Yunho's grip tightened. “If it was nothing, don't look like it was something! If people like that are the reason why you can't be happy, then don't think about them for a second longer than you have to. I can't stand it.” He pursed his lips. “I don't want to see that look in your eye over someone like them.”

“What am I supposed to do, then?” Jaejoong snapped, jerking his arm away from Yunho. “Am I supposed to be fine with the fact that I've put up with people like that for years now?”

“No! But you could at least...” He trailed off, biting his lips. “We are friends now, aren't we? I know we haven't known each other for long, so maybe it's only me that feels that way?”

“No,” Jaejoong said, shaking his head. “I think of you like that, too.”

“Then tell me if you're unhappy! Don't just make me guess through the words in your songs. With you running away and everything, I knew there had to be something upsetting you, and I had to spend all this time wondering what it could possibly be, because I could see you didn't want to talk about it with me.”

“Well, what about you?” Jaejoong retorted before he could stop himself. “Where do you go every evening that's such a big secret?”

Yunho flinched. “That... that's really nothing, I swear! It's just that... I can't let...” He clenched his jaw, and then sighed in defeat. “Fine! You win! I'll let you see what I'm doing before you go back home at the end of the summer, okay? If I do that, will you tell me next time if you're going through something difficult that I could help you with? I just hate it when I think you're suffering on your own.”

“Deal,” Jaejoong said. He wasn't sure what made him feel best: the fact that Yunho was so conscientious towards him, or the fact that he was willing to eventually let Jaejoong in on his secret. Had Minhee demanded to know the same thing? Had they broken up because he had shown her, or because he hadn't?

“Ah, you,” Yunho sighed reaching up to ruffle Jaejoong's hair. “Don't go thinking I'm usually like this. There's just something about the way you look when you're sad that makes me not want to see it.”

“Please,” Jaejoong said, ducking away from his touch. “Please don't say things like that to me.”

“Why not?”

“Because I'll misunderstand it and be sadder than I was in all those other songs I wrote if I'm wrong. And it will be your fault.”

“Misunderstand? How so?”

“We'll see,” Jaejoong said, turning his face away from Yunho. “Just don't say it again for now unless you're absolutely sure.”

0o0

When they went up to Yunho's bedroom after dinner, Yunho didn't immediately pick up his guitar or suggest they play one of Jaejoong's songs. Jaejoong was the one who went to grab his notebook, which he opened to one of the later pages. All Alone, the title on the page said. He'd stopped crying altogether in middle school, even when he'd stopped being able to make friends and had no one left to talk to, but this song held all of the tears he'd welled up inside of his heart. If Yunho really wanted to know him, he needed to face that sadness, the desperation Jaejoong felt at the thought of being abandoned, even by the person he who would one day love. It wasn't just because of Junwoo and Seunghee, it was because of everyone. Everyone and himself, most of all.

He handed the notebook to Yunho and turned his back to let him read in privacy. He expected Yunho to ask him to sing it when he was finished. It was one of his favorite songs to sing, and he performed in such a way where you could hear his heart breaking with every word he sang. All that pain, and I haven't even fallen in love yet, he thought wryly. If I fall in love with this guy, how much more painful will these songs get? Shouldn't I just stop?

But the request never came. Instead, he felt a pair of arms wrapping from around his back, holding him close. It felt like his heart would stop beating. It had been years since he'd been hugged by anyone but his sisters, for one, but this was different. Yunho was just enough bigger than him that he felt sheltered by his embrace, but more importantly, he could feel Yunho's heart racing pleasantly against his back, and the sensation moved him. You don't know me, he wanted to say. I could leave tomorrow... but I guess you would remember me now, wouldn't you? You may even look for me, but would you even like what you found?

Jaejoong felt his shoulders shaking and realized all of a sudden that he was crying. All of these years he had managed to hold it in, but now he was completely losing himself in the arms of a stranger. Not a stranger, he corrected himself. Yunho felt realer to him than anyone he'd known before, all of the endless Junwoos and Seunghees of the world. It was because of that that he was able to cry in the first place, because for once he wasn't afraid of being seen. He was only afraid of his reaction, the way his body relaxed into Yunho's embrace, the way his own heart pounded, the way he knew he wasn't crying because he was sad, but because this was the happiest he'd ever been.

“You don't have to be alone anymore,” Yunho said firmly, his breath tickling against Jaejoong's neck. “That's in the past now. I'll look after you until you have nothing left to cry about, okay?”

Jaejoong shook his head, reaching up to brush away the hot tears that had fallen down his face. He couldn't tell Yunho that he was the reason he was crying in the first place, and that his tears weren't a bad thing at all, but simply a release of emotions he had been denying himself for far too long. If he said as much, Yunho would be able to figure out for himself why Jaejoong didn't care about Seunghee or any other girl, and that he was the one Jaejoong's heart was pounding for in spite of much he'd tried to hold it back. Jaejoong had given his word that he would be honest with Yunho, but it grew more and more impossible the longer he stayed locked in Yunho's comforting arms.

Forgive me, he wanted to say. I have to make myself a liar to keep myself safe. If it's to protect the happiness you want so badly for me to have, isn't okay to lie, even if it's to you?

Instead, he brushed the last of his tears away and at last sang the heartbreak of his lost loneliness to the beat of Yunho's heart pulsing against his skin.

"Even if I cry out, you wouldn't come,
Even if I catch you and shout, you wouldn't come
I can't see you

I feel so all alone
I feel so all alone"