CL POV

We were practicing non-stop for our concert. We didn’t even realize that we were already practicing for 8 hours straight until our manager said we should take a break. The girls went to eat but I wasn’t hungry so I decided to get some air. I was walking towards the rooftop, excited to feel the cool air brush my skin since I haven’t been out for quite a long time now. We have been confined within the building for like 12 hours now.

I pushed open the door and when I looked up, I saw him. The man I was desperately trying not to encounter. He was looking right at me. ‘Oh heavens, why are you not in my favour right now or should I say for the past four years?’ I bowed down slightly and mumbled a ‘sorry’ and turned to go but he called out for me. That voice. It never failed to make me stop whatever I was doing whenever I heard it. I quietly scoff to myself, realizing that he still had that effect on me after so long. He turned me to face him and I just couldn’t look at him. I couldn’t. It hurt too much. He was asking me if we could talk and that was the last thing I wanted to do right now or ever. Of course, I once again tried to escape and made an excuse but he was persistent this time. In the past, when I made an excuse, he wouldn’t say anything and would just let me go but now, he was talking too much, too much for my comfort and he was holding my arm a bit too tight.

Then he said something that shot an arrow through me and made me look at him. He said he knew me. And he knew me well. ‘Mffh’ now that made me scoff. Really? He knew me well? Well, if he did then he should know what I’m going through right now. The pain I’m feeling right now especially at this time of the year. Mix it with the pressure I was feeling because of our work. But he doesn’t. He doesn’t know at all because I refuse to let him know. I refuse to give him the privilege to know. I decided to not let him know ever since what happened four years ago. He actually made the decision on his own when he decided to say those things that time.

Now I was back in the practice room with the girls minus Dara unnie. It was actually still our break for another 15 minutes so everybody was just lazing around and I took this time to rest for a bit and boy, did I regret  that. As I was dozing off I remembered that night. That fateful night.

Flashback 2009

“Great job everybody!!!” YG sajangnim congratulated us for giving a superb performance in gayo daejun. We were at a restaurant that was reserved by YG. It was high class and we were in a private room that overlooked the city. The view was really nice. It showed the beauty of Seoul City.

I really enjoyed today. I enjoyed everything about the show. Well, of course I especially enjoyed the stage we shared with the Bigbang oppas, well, just Youngbae oppa and Jiyong oppa but still, it was really fun. We really owned the stage. I made some mistakes and one during my performance with Jiyong oppa which I made a mental note to apologize to later. We were all eating happily and chatting when I felt someone looking at my direction and when I looked up, sure enough Jiyong oppa was looking intently at me. I smiled widely and waved my hand but stopped when I noticed the intensity of his stare.

‘Oh my gosh, is he mad about the mistake I made? Oh gosh, I hope not’ I thought to myself still looking at him who was also looking back at me with growing intensity as the seconds ticked by. Our staring contest was broken when Seungri nudged him to talk to him about something and as he looked away I let out a big sigh and looked back at my members who were still busy talking about the Shinee boys that they were next to during the show and stuff ladies talk about. The dinner continued and I was a bit bothered by what happened with Jiyong oppa a while ago.

We were now done with the dinner and preparing to go back to our dorm. The girls and I were walking towards our van when suddenly someone pulled me to the side. I was about to retaliate when I saw that it was Jiyong oppa. I smelled alcohol from him and a hint of smoke too. Oh right, they drank a while ago but maybe he snuck out to smoke some since YG doesn’t really like to see anyone smoke and to be honest, I didn’t too.

“Ride with me Chae” He said in a bit of a slurred voice.

“What? No oppa, I’m going back to the dorm tonight since we have practice tomorrow.” I said in a serious voice since I didn’t like to be with him when he was drunk. I’ve been there before and it didn’t turn out too well. We almost… we almost did it but thank God he passed out before the kissing escalated to something else. Yes. We kissed already but I doubt he remembered that. He was drunk as that time and he was very touchy when drunk. I tried to reject him at first but my feelings got the best of me. Yes again. I like him. I really like him. Not just as a senior or brother. It’s more than that. But of course I couldn’t tell that to him or anybody except Dara unnie since we were roommates and it’s really hard to keep things from her. I like him but that doesn’t really matter since he has a girlfriend now. The longest one so far. They’ve been going out for months now and I think it’s getting serious. This actually made me feel like a since it felt like we cheated on his girlfriend and that’s something I would never do.

“Come on, Chae. I really need you… I need to… I need to talk to you. I have a problem. Problems actually.” He said in a sad tone which made me crease my forehead. Problems? He was just fine earlier this day and now he had problems?

“Please Chae? Just for a while. I’ll send you back to your dorm as soon as we’re done talking.” He said now, in a straight voice indicating that he wasn’t that drunk after all. I thought for a while then said “But you’re drunk oppa, you can’t drive right now and its already late.”

“No. I’m not drunk! See. I can still walk a straight line.” He said while walking like a model in front of me. That made me laugh because he looked ridiculous but he did walk a straight line and I could sense that he was slowly becoming sober so I decided that maybe it was okay. So I went to our van to let the girls and the manager know that I was going with Jiyong oppa for a while and I was gonna go back to the dorm soon. At first they were hesitant to let me go but after a series of reassurance and a promise to buy corn, they allowed me to go.

The ride to Jiyong oppa’s apartment was silent but it was good silence. We needed that. It wasn’t awkward at all. It was a comfortable silence. After about ten minutes, we reached his apartment. I think he was at least 60% sober now. We entered his apartment and I made myself comfortable in his sofa. He went straight to the kitchen to get drinks for us. It was always like this. Every time he would ask me to talk to him, we ended up drinking beer in his apartment and laughing our asses off. Then we would wake up either both in his bed, fully clothed of course, or him on the sofa while me on his bed.

This night was no different. We sat on his very soft and comfortable sofa, still enjoying the silence until I decided to break it. “So, what’s bothering you oppa?” I asked him. He looked at me straight. We were sitting beside each other but I was sitting facing him with my elbow propped at the backrest of the sofa and my legs folded under me. He was sitting lazily while holding his can of beer.

“I don’t really know Hunchae, why don’t you tell me.” He said wearily.

I looked at him confused. “What? How would I know oppa?” I said still confused.

“Well, the way you danced to me during our performance and the way you touched me really confused me Hunchae.” He said, once again taking a big gulf from his beer and just like that he was already at his second one.

“Oppa, what are you talking about? I was just doing the performance like we rehearsed. Come on, I think you’ve had enough to drink.” I said while trying to take the beer he just opened.

“Nope. No, chae. I’m not drunk. I just want to talk come on. Let’s talk. Why were you seducing me Hunchae? Why were you moving your body in a way you know I wouldn’t resist?” he said in a husky tone. Now, he just chugged down the beer like it was water. I think he’s getting drunk again.

“Come on baby girl, why aren’t you answering me?” he said while moving closer. Now, I felt uncomfortable. I moved away a bit because he was getting too close but he held my thigh roughly which made me flinch and gasp a bit.

“Are you scared baby? Don’t be. I won’t hurt you. I just wanna talk. Come on. Talk to me.” He said slowly backing away drinking his beer again. I didn’t know he opened a new one. Oh gosh. He was drinking way too much in as short period of time that I was sure he was gonna have a massive headache tomorrow.

“Stop drinking oppa. You said you wanted to talk right? Let’s just talk and stop drinking.” I said softly. I didn’t wanna be forceful since he was getting drunk.

“So, tell me Chae, do you like me? ‘Cause your actions during our performance surely said so. The way you came close to me while rapping, the way you bounced your body up and down, moved left and right surely indicated you wanted me to touch you. Do you? Want me? To touch you?” He was hovering me now.

Omygad. We were so close right now. I can feel my heart beating really fast like I just ran a marathon. His face was only inches away from me right now and he was coming closer and closer. My mind told me to push him and run away. Far away. But my body betrayed me. I stayed rooted at my spot, waiting for his lips to be in contact with mine and when it was just an inch away, I closed my eyes and once again I let my emotions get the best of me. I knew this was wrong on so many levels. He had a girlfriend for Christ’s sake. But I love him. Yes, I love him. Love. It made me stoop to this level. A cheating .

And before his lips touched mine I hear him say “So, you do want me.” And with that he crashed his lips to mine and kissed me passionately. He seeked entrance to my mouth and I opened it a bit giving him permission. We kissed for what seemed like ages. Hands were roaming around and touching places that weren’t supposed to be touched by ‘friends’. His lips left mine and started to attack my neck. He was biting here and there, leaving marks on me. I was grabbing at his hair while he was rubbing my sides. His hands then moved to cup my and I accidentally let out a moan. I immediately covered my mouth and cursed myself. He grabbed my hand and said “I want to hear you” he then continued to kiss my body, my shirt already long gone. I pulled at his shirt and he immediately removed it before kissing me on the lips “I want you. I want you so bad.” He said as he bit my earlobe earning another moan from me. “Baby you sound so good.” He said now busy removing my belt. I was burning all over. I still had the chance to stop all this and walk away but I didn’t. I chose love at the moment. I was liking this way too much.

“I want you too, Oppa” I said with all the energy I could muster. All that kissing, groping and touching drained me. As I said that, he stopped what he was doing and he kissed me hard.

“Let me make love to you Hunchae.”

(Sorry couldn’t write , maybe next time :p)

--End of flashback--

“Okay everybody! Break’s over!” I heard the director said and that shot me up. I looked around and saw that everybody was already getting into position. ‘! How long was I out?’ I was looking left and right when somebody whispered “Don’t worry unnie, it was just 15 minutes that you dozed off and its Bom unnie’s solo practice now so you’re safe.” I heard my sweet maknae’s voice. That made me smile. She never fails to always save me. I turn to look at her and mouthed ‘thank you’ and she smiled back. She was really an angel.

The day ended and we went back to our dorm. I was about to enter my room when Dara unnie spoke “I think you should tell him Chaerin-ah.” That made me stop in my track. I turned to look at her a bit mad because of what she was suggesting.

“What? No, unnie. You know what he did right?” I said in a raised voice.

“Yes Chaerin-ah, I know. But don’t you think it’s time already? It’s been four years Chae and that day is coming again. That day that you shouldn’t be spending alone. That day that you need someone to bare the pain with you. Chae, please think about it. He deserves to know.” Dara unnie said. Her voice laced with care and worry.

Yes that day is coming again. Of course I know that. I’ve been waiting to face that day again and I was scared as just like the past three years. Of course I wouldn’t forget that day. That day when a part of me died.

I was washed with an immense feeling of sadness as I thought more about that day and I didn’t realize I was already beginning to sob.

“Okay, okay Chaerin-ah. You don’t have to tell him. Forget I even said anything. Sorry Chae. Please don’t cry.” Unnie said as she approached me and rubbed my back.

“Unnie, you’re right…*sob* he does need to *sob* know… but I’m… I’m just not ready… I can’t… I just can’t right now. I’m sorry...” I was crying now. I couldn’t take it anymore. I’ve been keeping these tears for so long that I just have to let it out. Dara unnie was hugging me already and I was pretty sure she was crying now too.

“it’s okay wifeyyy~~. You can tell him when you’re ready.” She said trying to lighten up her voice but she couldn’t hide that she was also sobbing like me.

We stayed hugging like that for a while until I heard myself chuckle. Dara unnie leaned back and looked at me weirdly. “Are you okay, Chae?” She asked.

I then continued to laugh and she now fully separated from me. “Haha. Unnie. We were just hugging right now while crying. Haha I bet we looked like some broken hearted teenage girls. Aigoo, it’s a good thing no one saw us.” I said happily trying to lighten up the mood because I was tired of being sad all day.

Unnie looked at me and smiled “Yeah, it’s a good thing. Well, you should go wash up and I’ll prepare our dinner.”

“Okay unnie, thank you~~. I’ll be right back.” I said smiling but as soon as I turned around my face dropped and the sadness came back again.

“It was a mistake. A big mistake that shouldn’t have happened. I shouldn’t have been careless like that.”

I shot up from my bed. I feel sweat covering my face but I could also feel the tears streaming down. ‘Gosh, I dreamt of it again.’ The memory I was trying so hard to forget just keeps haunting me at the worst times always reminding me why I should hate the man that took my heart. The man I gave my heart to. The man who crushed it with his words.

It was near that day again. I’ve been preparing myself mentally, physically, emotionally and in every aspect for that day. I suffered that day for almost four years already and the pain was still always there. Never lessening just actually always increasing.

It was only 1 AM but I couldn’t sleep anymore, not when I was still haunted by that dream. 

So there, I hope this somehwat answered some of your questions Haha

But is it just that? Haha

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