It had been weeks since Lu Han had made the decision to ‘fix his wrongdoings’. It was a pleasant change at first, and things seemed to be going in the right direction. Kyungmi’s insecurities seemed to disappear, and life seemed to go back to normal. Normal as in the sense that Nayoung was no longer in the picture.

It didn’t last long.

The members had noticed Lu Han’s growing tiredness. They had all thought it was due to the exams that were soon approaching, but it became apparent this wasn’t just sleep depravity. His mood also soured. Lu Han tended to zone out far too often, always lost deep in thought. And his constant laughter had reduced to a few forced chuckles here and there. Kyungmi noticed it too.

But no one voiced their opinions.

Nayoung had begun to cling to him again, irritating him, annoying him, pestering him. It really felt like they really were back to square one. Back when this whole ordeal had started. Back when he hated her. But it was slightly different back now. Because he didn’t hate her. And she knew that.

And they’d have the same conversation every single night. Lu Han’s mind was blank, except for last night’s events that were swimming fresh in his mind.

______________

“Stop it.”

“Stop what?”

“Stop ignoring me. It’s annoying.”

Lu Han was baffled, “Annoying you? You’re the one clinging to me. Give me some space, geez.”

“I know you care. I know I’m important to you. So stop lying to yourself.” Nayoung narrowed her eyes at him, her gaze accusing. She looked at him as if he had committed a crime.

Lu Han felt his frustration rising, it annoyed him how she could see right through his mask. “That’s a bit cocky of you.”

“It’s not being cocky. It’s the truth.”

She looked at him with such fierce, confident eyes. And he was left awestruck for a moment. Even though he was supposed to be angry, he couldn’t help but be charmed by her charisma. She was so confident, so sure, but it wasn’t cockiness. It was sincere. This is why she always stood out in his eyes. And a reason why he fell for her. Not many were able to have as much courage as Nayoung. But that just made it all that more difficult to cut ties with her.  And it just made him that much angrier, that much more frustrated.

Nayoung needed to stop.

Now.

Because if she didn’t he’d sway from his resolve. And he’d end up hurting Kyungmi again.

“Can you leave me alone? Please. Just listen to me for once.”

“No. I won’t I’m going to keep annoying you, getting in your way, pissing you off, pestering you until you admit that you care. Until you stop lying to yourself.”

With and indignant huff she stormed off, ending the conversation with a loud slam of her bedroom door.  
 

_________

“Hey Lu Han?” Chen waved a hand in front of the older male’s face.

“Hm?” He blinked a few times to snap out of his daydream.

Chen patted him comfortingly on the back, his silent way of giving support. “It looks like it’s about to rain. Let’s go inside to the cafeteria.”

“Oh, yeah. Right.”

Chen frowned in concern, “You’re looking worse and worse every day. Do you want to talk about it?”

“Maybe another time. I’m just a bit… occupied at the moment. Sorry for worrying you.”

“It’s okay. Just give me call whenever. Did you bring an umbrella today? Weather’s not looking too good.”

“I’m pretty sure I did. I’m not that stupid you know.”

This caused the two to chuckle, and Lu Han sent his dongsaeng a grateful smile, “Class is starting soon, better get to class before your history teacher flips out again.”

“Oh crap! I haven’t even done my homework. I’m so screwed.”

“I’m sending you my prayers.”

~~~~

It was raining. The perfect weather to match her mood, Nayoung thought as she stared at the grey skies. Being the idiot she was, the girl hadn’t brought her umbrella along today. She could hear the raindrops drumming on the rooftop of the shelter she was standing underneath. The heavy pelting thundering in her ears, drowning out her thoughts. All she could think about was the rain. The rhythmic beating was almost like a lullaby; a cold, cruel lullaby singing to her mockingly. She shook her head, no, right now she needed to find Lu Han. No matter what their relationship had turned into, it was still common courtesy to share an umbrella under these conditions right?

“Lu Han!” The girl called when she saw him begin to walk into the rain. Nayoung ran across as fast as she could, almost hurtling both of them to the ground as she did so. The anxiety she felt didn’t show in her voice, luckily. What if he just ditched her in the rain?

“W-woah! Calm down there.” The male cried out in surprise, chuckling quietly once he found his ground again.

Nayoung felt like her heart had stopped. Her grip on his blazer tightened, going unnoticed by both of them. The warmth in his voice. She felt it. The teasing tone in his words. She heard it.

And she had missed it so much.

Her heart was beating erratically at the possibility. Was he finally giving in to her attempts? Were they going to go back to the way they were? The joy she felt at the chance was unimaginable, and she felt herself laughing too.

But her unspoken questions were answered when his laughter died. And just like that, the world had come crashing down on her shoulders. He pushed her away, forcing her to let go of his blazer.

No.

“Let’s go.” He awkwardly cleared his throat and quickly walked out into the rain. Lu Han bit his lip. That wasn’t supposed to happen; it scared him how easily he dropped his guard. This girl, why was she doing this to him? She knew what he was trying to do, and she was doing every single thing in her power to stop him. It was so frustrating. Frustrating because she was just making herself suffer.

Nayoung couldn’t move for a few seconds. His change in attitude was so unexpected, it took her a while to understand what had happened. Was she supposed to be happy? She certainly didn’t feel that way. Her emotions were a complete mess, she didn’t even know what she was feeling. But it sort of hurt, like something was clawing at her from within. It wasn’t until she felt the cold seeping into her clothes did she start to move again. Quickly running under the umbrella to hide from the rain.

“Lu Han…” Her voice trailed off when the male beside her stopped walking. She followed his gaze, and her eyes landed on what the male had been staring at.

Kyungmi.

Kyungmi was standing under a tree to shelter herself from the rain, clutching her bag with shivering hands.

No.

Nayoung felt herself grab onto Lu Han’s sleeve. He didn’t notice. She took hold of his umbrella with her free hand and began to walk the other way. When he protested she glared at him, a gaze sharp enough to cut through the thick atmosphere. It was almost a plea, a desperate cry.

Don’t leave me.

This time Lu Han didn’t notice the flash of anxiety that flittered across her irises. Nayoung’s hands had turned white, she was clutching on to the umbrella so tightly that it hurt. Lu Han’s eyes met with hers, then back to Kyungmi, then her, then Kyungmi.

And then Kyungmi and Lu Han met eyes.

No.

The Umbrella was ripped out of her grasp, and with a cry of protest stuck in , she watched as he ran to her. Without even a glance back in her direction.

No.

No.

No.

Nayoung swore she heard her own heart shatter.

~~~~

They were both long gone when Nayoung decided to finally go home. She wasn’t sure how long she had been standing there, but her clothes had already been soaked through long ago.

The icy raindrops were cutting into her skin, pelting her mercilessly. She felt herself begin to shiver, but she didn’t even have enough energy to lift her arms. The roaring in her ears was so loud it drowned out everything else. The girl noticed a slight sting in her numbed hand, and she looked down to inspect, only to find out that she was bleeding. The blood was still oozing from the cut on her hand. It pooled around her fingertips before dripping to the pavement, mingling with the rainwater before trailing off as more rain splashed onto the ground. It must have been from when Lu Han pulled the umbrella out of her hand.

But she couldn’t feel it. Everything was just so cold. Her fingers had gone numb a while ago. She was freezing, she felt so cold. But this time she knew it wasn’t the type of cold that a hot chocolate would fix. Every raindrop felt like a shard of ice piercing her skin, but that didn’t matter. All she could feel was the welling emptiness that was growing inside of her.

The girl her heel, finally taking her first steps toward home. It didn’t feel much like home anymore. Nayoung slowed her pace, allowing her usually brisk walk to become a slow wander. Arriving at an intersection, she turned right instead of left, deciding to take a longer route home today. She needed some time to think. 

She was so confident. She knew he cared. She knew. She told herself again and again that she was important to him, that Lu Han cared. She was so sure. She just needed to wait for him to man up and admit he cared for her. But why was it getting harder and harder each day?

The longer she thought about it, the less confident she became. The uncertainty grew. She was questioning everything now. All she had to do was wait, and yet, the longer she waited the more it hurt. What if he never cared in the first place? What if it was all out of pity? The thought made her cheeks burn with shame. What a fool. Creating delusional fantasies like an idiot. How much they must have laughed behind her back. She wanted to yell, scream, shout, but all she could manage was a bitter laugh, “Hah, look at you, you’re so pathetic.”

Why was she getting hurt over something like this? She was better than this, she had built an iron wall of defence. She had promised herself to get Lu Han back. So why was her resolve crumbling already? Why did she feel so incredibly worthless?

The streets were empty, silent, and completely empty except for her. It felt as if even the world had decided to abandon her, to ignore her silent pleas.

~~~~

By the time she got home, the sun had already fallen behind the horizon. It was dark, almost dinner time. She hesitated at the door, wondering if she should walk around the block just to avoid going in. The girl decided against it, it was probably time she got out of this downpour. With shivering hands, she reached for the door handle. Nayoung had to take a step back by the sudden rush of warm air that came to greet her as she opened the door. It hadn’t occurred to her just how cold it was outside.

“Nayoung? Nayoung! Oh my god what have you been doing!?” Lu Han ran out to greet the girl, his face flushed with stress and worry. He thought she would’ve taken the bus home.

“You’re soaking! Why in the world did you walk home? It’s pouring!” Lu Han quickly ran to grab a towel, blabbering nonsense as he rushed from one side of the house to another.

Nayoung stared down at her feet, watching as the water from her clothes dripped on to the carpeted floor, forming a large puddle. “I wanted some fresh air.”

Lu Han stumbled on his own feet, shocked by Nayoung’s monotonous reply. She had never heard her reply in such a way. It felt like a slap in the face; it was unsettling.

“Fresh air? In this weather?” He couldn’t hide his exasperation.

Lu Han approached the girl with a clean towel in hand, ready to offer it to her. “Why didn’t you take the bus? You didn’t come home for hours. I thought something had happened. I was so worried.”

He reached over to drape the towel over her shoulder, but stumbled back when she angrily slapped her hands away. “Shut up. Don’t you dare say you were worried. Liar”

Nayoung was now facing him straight on, her eyes dark and menacing. Her face was twisted in absolute rage, and a hint of an emotion he had never seen before.

“Nayoung-“

“Don’t you dare say you were worried about me. You left me. You abandoned me. You don’t have the right to say you were worried. You ran off for Kyungmi.” The girl took a shaky breathe, her fist trembled. “You didn’t even care, you didn’t even look back once. You just left. You weren’t worried. You didn’t even ing care.”

Lu Han didn’t know how to reply, he couldn’t meet her eyes. He didn’t want to look, he didn’t want to see the emotions that had contorted her face into such a pained expression. “I-I-“

“Shut up! Get away from me! I don’t want your excuses.” Lu Han could hear her raised voice wavering, and for a moment, he thought he saw her eyes glisten with tears. He looked a way too soon to find out. He was definitely wrong, it was just a trick of the lighting. Nayoung didn’t cry.

He couldn’t say anything, couldn’t do anything. All he could do was stand there, and let her yell at him, because it was the most comfort he could give her.

“Please, at least go take a warm bath, change out of those clothes so you don’t catch a cold.”

The girl didn’t even seem to hear him; she trudged up the stairs, disappearing into her room. Nayoung looked so tired, so worn and exhausted. It hurt to see. Lu Han allowed himself to collapse on the couch. He breathed in a deep breath, burying his face into his hands.

Lu Han was doing the right thing, but everything felt wrong. He was supposed to put his girlfriend before other girls, Kyungmi took priority. Any guy in his position would have done the same thing. This was supposed to fix things. This was supposed to be the right thing to do.

So why did he feel so terrible?

Why was every cell in his body screaming at him to stop?

Why did it feel so wrong?

____________

So I wrote another chapter. After disappearing off the face of the planet for a decade.

Lu Han’s a pretty big I this one. Even I was getting angry at him. I really love reading your comments, and I love it when you analyse the characters, I really love seeing your predictions and your views on each character. It’s actually really interesting.

As you have noticed, I’m not really active that much anymore, and unfortunately I think this is how it’s going to be from now on. I have a lot of ideas for other/new stories for some reason, but nothing for this one. :/ 

Special shoutout to chrldonr for the posters! Thankyou so much <3

Thanks for all the love <3 (subbing, commenting, upvoting etc.) Bye~