How long its been? Jongdae doesnt act on it, no more, not anymore. He watches silently, like he used to, but still he longs...for Yixing. They have more activities and he hasnt been able to see Minki as often, he kind of misses him. And he reasons that is that what makes him look at Yixing like this again. Are this real feelings or just a sick need to wait and suffer for what (who) he cant have? The need to feel a rush that he really doesnt need to feel.

He watches Zitao and Yifan, they are together, like that together, like how Zitao so much wanted and waited for. Jongdae is happy for how happy his young friend is right now, how his child like eyes shine, how hes got a permanent soft smile. Theres no way to know that something has change between them, because Zitao is still as affectionate as ever and Yifan is still his "cold city guy self", but Jongdae knows, and envies a little.

"What are you thinking?". "About you", Chen sais as he pokes on his tall chinese friend. "What about me?". "You are so spoiled now!", he smiles and keeps poking, Zitao pouts at him. "Get out of here with that, go to your gege for that". "Gege...". "What?". "What about you and Xing ge? Dont you think is time to...". "To what?", he smiled shyly.

Yes time to comeback. He had been thinking about this, going back to Yixing. Tell him that is time to stop fooling around, to do it properly, to be couple, a real couple that trusts in eachother, that could share all the feelings. A couple to share the feelings. But then there was Minki, a person that he respects, that he cares about, that he loves even...yes, but not like that. Minki wasnt that friendly hand during trainee days, he wasnt there to make him understand "the industry", the comppany. Minki hadnt been there to dry his tears when he missed home. Minki hadnt been that person for whom he wanted to try one more time, one more dance, one more...more. Yixing had been that fire that made him wanna do things, get up from bed, put on make up, wear that oufit, lern those words. Yixing had been that one star, lone and far, the one that he wanted to reach. Minki was like that warm bath that you need to take to shake thoughts and dirt after a long day, and maybe, maybe that day was over now.

He felt like ...like that guy who uses people to solve his , like dating a shrink. Still he at least owes him some honesty, Minki had been very honest from day one, so brave, so like Jongdae thought he could be. "What is going on?". "What?". "You look worry". "I am". Is all he sais to Minseok before leaving, is not like him to be rude is just that he is in one of those moments where he needs to think about himself and solve things. Get some peace of mind.

It is bit of a jerk move that now Chanyeol feels this way. He looks at Zitao on Yifans lap, laughing openly, loud, his ex is tickling him and smiling softly at the younger. The scene makes Chanyeol feel awkward, why? He doesnt know, he should stop being an and be happy for Yifan, for whatever reason Yifan is smilling. He didnt do that, so it up. "You know whats good?", Yixings voice asks by his side sitting on the practice room wood floor. "To accept that you are honestly happy with what you got and to recognise that what you had wasnt good for you". Chanyeol nods. "Is that what you are doing?". "No, I just found out. Now Im traying to accept that I lost Jongdae, the one I trully love". "Do you think that it was an unconscious decision?". "To leave him?". "Yes". "No I was punishing myself. Sometime you dont know if its really depression or your own love for depression". "What was it then?". "A sick love". 

Its true, Chanyeol wasnt happy with Yifan, with his absence, Baekhyun made him happy, helped him to stand up. He made a choice and it was a good one. Still, seing them like this...ah, nostalgia.

After practice the past makes an apearence in the shape of slender fingers around his wrist. "Hyung can we talk?", Jongdaes question sounds surreal. Yixing nods. They leave with the feel of a heavy look on their necks, is Zitaos concerned eyes. Yifan has to put an arm around him to make him look away. "Theyll be fine Tao yah", the leader tells him. He nods and keeps playing with stuffed cheetah that his gege just bought for him.

"What is it?". "I cant keep playing anymore". "Sorry I dont understand". "I blamed you for using me to forget about Joonmyeon hyung, then I did the same with Minki. I dont want to be that man, the one who stumbles upon people because he cant be with the one he wants. I want to be with you Yixing". What can he say? "I want that too. But Im afraid of myself, I dont want to hurt you. Ive been a jerk and I dont want to be that man either. You matter to much to me". "Can you make an effort? Can you try to not be that man with me?". Yes he can. "Yes I can...but you are with..". "Not anymore. I told you, Im not for games anymore. If we break up after this I want it to be because we tried and failed, not because we were afraid to be left". Yixing nods. "Yes, I want to try. Im ready to be brave".

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A/N: till the last days of march I will try to update and/or finish as much stories as I can. After that I will move to another country so I dont know when, or if, I can comeback to this account. Thank your for undestanding and for waiting for me.