title (4/10): The title is unoriginal and uncreative. If you search for 12 Vampires here in Asianfanfics, I doubt your story would be the only one that has a title such as that. Ever since EXO’s Wolf MV came out, a lot of people have been making stories about them being a vampire, wolf or an alien from another world that comes to Earth because of a mission and all, plus, the title was too… generic. It doesn’t give that spark of excitement at all because it just simply states “12 vampires” and that’s that.

It takes each reader 5-7 seconds to read a title and to think whether they should read it or not (and let me point out that they haven’t read the foreword yet) and if I were the reader, I would have scrolled right past your story, make your title have a deep meaning to it because it really helps. But also make sure that your title has a connection with the story.

Description and foreword (5/10): I’m pretty much didn’t like your foreword because honestly speaking, it gives out the utmost important information about your story and if you give it out just like that, what’s the point of reading your story? A short description about the story may be nice, I know you were trying to explain how Luhan ran away with the girl but you could’ve just explained that in the story. Maybe you could explain how this vampire thing works in the foreword so that the readers grasps the story they will be reading, just don’t put too much information about it because like I said, what’s the point of reading the whole story when the foreword practically says everything?

I had to re-read the description again and again just to understand what it meant.

But I didn’t give you a low score mainly about your foreword but because of the character profiles you placed in the foreword. Yes, people put character profiles so that the readers will know how the characters would look like and yes, they would put their names, birthday, age (some people tend to change the age of the idol from their real age) but placing their likes and dislikes is completely irrelevant. You could have just pointed out what they liked in the story.

Plus, the thing I did not like about it is that you placed literally EVERY character in the story, when normally, it should only be the main roles. The supporting roles don’t really need to be placed in the foreword because the story isn’t mainly about them; you could just describe them as the story goes.

CharacterIZATION (6/10): The characterization was okay we all know that, obviously, the boys here are vampires while the girls here are humans, but I hope you’d make them more interesting because making them JUST a normal vampire or human doesn’t make the story exciting and it doesn’t set them apart from other characters in supernatural stories like these.

Yunmi was too, I’m sorry to say, stupid to actually “believe” that she really was Luhan’s wife I mean, if a vampire would’ve came up to me and told me that I was his wife I would’ve slapped him or grab the nearest thing my hands could grab and smash it in his face and runaway, call the police and weep. Yunmi seemed to immediately agree and went with him.

Originality and Plot (10/25): I’m sorry but the plot is just unoriginal and overused. After reading supernatural stories like these (EXO or not) yours doesn’t stand out from all the stories I’ve read. Vampire plus human girl is just so cliché nowadays, it’s too Twilight for me and this story doesn’t make me feel excited but then that’s what you need to do, excite your readers with the story. I know the story isn’t done yet and I’m not sure whether you’d put a plot twist or anything but I hope you wouldn’t turn it into those sappy loves stories where this vampire falls seriously in love with this human girl and in the end, turns her into a vampire like him as well.

Flow (5/15): To be honest, this is where you lacked the most; again, Yunmi agreed almost immediately and I felt as if she wasn’t scared at all. Second, Luhan and Yunmi fought often yet they made up so quickly. A lot is going on in the story that it just seems way to fast. Stories have to be detailed so that the readers won’t get confused with what’s happening. It seems like your start a new idea then suddenly start with another one without even ending the one from before.

Grammar and Spelling (5/15): I am a person who strongly believes that grammar shouldn’t hold you back from writing your own story but sometimes, it also is an important role in the story because people don’t think the same way as I do and they just get frustrated reading your story because there are seriously a lot of grammatical errors in your story. Here are some of the errors I’ve corrected in your foreword and in the first 2 chapters:

Foreword –
A vampire doesn’t have a heartbeat. They have a heart but no heartbeat. Every vampire has their own destiny, marriage.

Chapter 1 –
A girl ran about in the cold night, not noticing the scars she’s received from the bushes she’s ran through in the dark forest. The girl looked back and still found the old erted man behind her, she paused and slid down a cliff, hoping that the old man wouldn’t find and follow her. She hid behind a tree, leaning on it while observing her bloody arms and legs, filled with scars and scratches. She gasps in shock and weeps silently, covering , as she heard the old man’s voice echo throughout the forest.

Chapter 2 –
“Okay, I was born on March 16, 1996 here in Seoul, Korea. My family’s rich and very wealthy. My family consisted of me, my brother and my… my parents, but then they died in a plane crash, leaving my brother and I all alone. I was just 6 years old when my parents died in the crash, so we had to live with our uncle who lived in a village near a forest. We certainly didn’t expect him to be so mean to us. He made as do chores and a lot more. He even took our parents’ money! I was so sick and tired of the way he treated us so when I was 12 years old, I broke the rules he specifically told us to follow and he told me that I was going to be executed in the forbidden forest for breaking the rules. But then, my brother defended me and my uncle took him to the forest for doing so and I’m not sure whether my uncle killed him or not because it’s been 5 years since I last saw my uncle drag him into the forbidden forest.

“And today, my uncle was drunk and attempted to me. I was scared so I ran away from him until I got here. While running away from him, I slipped and fell and believe it or not, I might have met a vampire who goes by the name Luhan.” Sehun didn’t know what to do as he watched ~~~ cry like there’s not tomorrow.

There’s a lot of revising / editing you need to work on. The highlighted sentences are the sentences I’ve corrected myself and I had to revise everything because it just didn’t make sense at all.

General Enjoyment (4/15): I’m really sorry but I didn’t enjoy the story at all. The plot was too cliché, the flow was confusing and too fast and I couldn’t grasp the events happening here in the story.