Reviewed In September 17, 2013

Review by Elimona

Title [6/10]

I feel that ‘12 Vampires’ is a bit too generic and with the amount of mythological creature fanfics that’s come out since Exo’s Wolf era, the title makes it seem even less original. But I’m glad that at least you didn’t go with an Exo Wolf fanfic because I probably would have given you fewer marks. The good thing is when I typed in your story on Google, your story was on the first page but there were many stories with similar titles.

Appearance [8/10]

The overall appearance was fine since I could easily read the font and there was no distracting background. The poster was fine but if I had to say something about, it would be to make sure that your title stands out more because I had to take a second look at it to see the title properly. But since you didn’t make your poster then I will be lenient.

Description and foreword [6/10]

If I was being really honest, then the description didn’t really make me want to read on. It didn’t help that the description was littered with mistakes and it didn’t make sense to me. I had to keep reading the description over and over again and even after the fifth time I still didn’t get what some of the sentences meant.
I would advise you not to add character descriptions since you wouldn’t see a real book with character descriptions. I know that AFF is not supposed to be a book and you can just do whatever you want to but for me, whether a fanfiction or a book, a story pivots around the characters. You want to slowly uncover their past, personality and feelings and for me character descriptions just ruin that.

Characters [6/10]

I was quite confused with all the characters and their personalities. If I had to sum them up in one word, I would probably say they were… flat. I’ll go through the main characters in detail.
Yunmi: This was the character that confused me the most. Wouldn’t you still be hesitant of a vampire who claimed you as his ‘wife’? Instead she just accepted readily and took in her stride right away which, for me, didn’t feel believable. Also when Lu Han and Yunmi had a fight, they made up too easily. What I did like about Yunmi was that she was nice to the girls who were supposed to be given as food to the vampires. That was the only thing I could connect with her about.
Lu Han: For me, Lu Han felt like he had a bi-polar personalities sometimes. He was really nice to Yunmi but then the next moment would become angry out of nowhere. I felt that Lu Han was too nice sometimes and would give in too easily to Yunmi. If he has no heart then he should have a slightly cold exterior, right?
To give your characters a distinct personality is quite a hard thing to do for any author so don’t think this as really harsh.

Plot [30/40]

As I read through the story, not much actually happened and at first I thought that all that they were going to do was find their soul mates and live happily. Near the beginning I was hoping that there would be a huge massive conflict with the Association and Exo but the Association gave up way too easily which I found disappointing. But in the latest chapter you’ve added a conflict with a wolf clan and Exo which is fine except it’s a bit too… clichéd. But at least you’ve added a conflict which is good. Also I was slightly confused by Sehun’s character description at the beginning because it’s says that Sehun’s in love with Yunmi but Sehun hasn’t shown any signs of that yet and he doesn’t even feel like a main character which he should be if there’s supposed to be a love triangle. But I’m hoping that will come later in the story. The plot didn’t impress but it didn’t overly disappoint me either.

Grammar and spelling [6/10]

Your story was littered with spelling mistakes and also you kept switching tenses between sentences as well.
Examples:
Chapter 1 - This story begins with a cold night… A girl run without noticing his legs have many scars from running in bushes in a dark forest. An old man, running after that girl with ert looks. That girl keep running away and he slide down from a cliff so that ert old man won’t find her and follow her. She hide and rest her body behind a big tree. She looks at her arms and legs who was full of blood and scary scars. That girl white skinned body now covers with a terrifying red color of blood. She gasps in shock and tears of scared start flowing over her cheeks when she heard that old man voice.
Correction - This story begins with a cold night… A girl kept running through the dark forest although she had many scars from running through bushes. An old man was chasing her with a erted look on his face. The girl kept running until she saw a cliff right ahead of her. She slid down the cliff in the hope that the erted, old man wouldn’t find her and give up. As she hid behind a huge tree, she looked down at her arms and legs which were covered in scars and she gasped in horror. The girl’s pale, skinny body was now covered in a terrifying red colour of blood. Tears of shock and fright started to flow down her cheeks when she heard the old man’s voice.

I changed some of the sentences around and also added some detail but I tried to keep the sentences mostly the same. I hope you can see the errors you made with the tenses.
But I’ll also take into account that you’re not actually English and I think it’s impressive that you still wrote a story in English.

Overall enjoyment [6/10]

Don’t be disappointed by the low score! Personally, I couldn’t enjoy it as much as I could have because of the grammar and spelling mistakes and I was quite confused most of the time but I think you have a good story here and all you need to do is correct the mistakes to make it even better. I would recommend you use Microsoft Word if you don’t have it.
I’m so sorry if I was really harsh in this review but I honestly just wanted to help you with your story. Also remember this is just my personal opinion. If you felt that I was too harsh you can tell me about it because I still need to improve on my reviewing skills.

Total [68/100]