Chapter 12: Poking Around

I Thought I Could Find You- Paul Baribeau

The sunlight trickled in through the window above. My eyes slowly begin to feel increasingly irritated by it. Grudgingly I opened my eyes. Instead of finding myself tucked in the warmth of my bed, I was still leaning against the side of it. Right. I cried myself to sleep again. Heaving a sigh, I forced myself to stand up. 

Glancing around the room, I felt something was wrong. However everything seem to be placed in order. Even your darn book was still lying across the room. Looking at it, my mind forced me to look away. Guess you are still my prettily packaged black hole. Resigning to my place, I begin searching for a fresh set of plain white t and shorts, I headed into the bathroom for a quick shower. 

It was only during the great relaxation of the water running down my body did I realized. It was the fact that I had spent an entire night sitting by my bed. That was the issue. Odd. While drying my hair, I took the long flight of steps to her own personal space. Her bed was neatly arranged. The table had books and scattered pens around one opened book. Curious, my legs brought me closer. My mind reminding me about the respect one should have for another’s privacy. Part of it firmly tuned it to become a silent long beep. Instead of seeing the paged of the book, a lone pink sheet of paper rested among the rested folds of the book.

This is a letter of farewell. 

A letter to say I am leaving forever more.

Disregarding who you are to me. 

Ignoring your emotions and position.

Cause now I'm saying goodbye, leaving behind only a letter of separation

Maybe my goodbye, is nothing but an act of faking the weakness to gain the benefits of sympathy.

To fully become that someone that you told me not to be.

Like the irresponsible being that cowards behind the facade of fear.

Like the deceiving fool that hides and takes advantage of every inch given

Like the other kid's parents told their own to be wary of 

I have fully embrace the flaws

I had comfortably spin the game of life into a web of lies 

Apology sent but please don't accept.

Cause it is you who says I'm better than what my mind would admit. 

You who sees the positive side within me.

I'm telling you do not be taken in by the blind love that crimson red has deceived into you.

Did you ever think for a moment that you are a sad being?

That you have given your love to that someone that had cheated it all from you.

To make you fall into the pits of illusions and misjudgments

Where what I've forged to be my personality in your eyes is actually the fastening of the strings around your limbs.

Are you disappointed? When you touch the crisps end of this letter, will you truly cry?

As in your opinion, your lovely has lost her marbles. 

Thinking and believing that we all hold the innocent intentions of bringing good into each other

Thinking and believing that I would have never walked away like this.

Well the truth is, that you are the puppet also known as a stepping stone of life. 

We all are. 

That, you too, poor child, is nothing more than a tool that had been used.

Maybe not trashed but definitely forced to survive irregardless of opinions.

We didn't have a choice, the moment logic came.

We couldn't run away from facts, the moment a second passed.

We are the used. The used that were willing to be part of the pathetic.

I'm sorry so goodbye.

I'm sorry even though I love you.

Somehow I am crying. Holding this. Reading this. I felt pain. Felt the shame of whoever it was that written it. Felt the guilt. Felt the confusion. Who is this? Who is this and what had life thrown at her that made her so cynical? Who is this? 

I’ll find you.

Written at the corner. It was her writing. Or at least I feel that it was her handwriting. I mean it was a logical deduction. Since it was different from the lengthy letter above. My index finger brushes over it. Did she find whoever? The was hard. It was as if she pen that down with great determination. Did she not find whoever? 

‘Sica...’ Instantly, I turned around and faced her innocent face. Saliva travelled uneasily down my throat. ‘You were looking for me?’ She smiled widely at me. I couldn’t helped but feel that I was a deer caught in the headlights. ‘Did you miss me?’ Her smile widen! I almost choked on my breathe in. 

Calmly, I walked down the stairs and pretend to be innocent. Wait. I turn my head sharply and looked at her. She didn’t come back last night. My eyes glared at her. Then softened when I recalled the letter. Did she go find that person?

‘Sica?’ I shake my head a little. Setting my mind on one path to follow through on. ‘You alright there?’ I smiled. Then, patted her shoulder, took the strap of my bag and left. If she could respect me not saying anything at all, I must not intrude into her privacy. She deserves respect more than anyone. In fact I am in no way eligible for invading her life. For all I know, it could be just a random snippet of some sort of show that she like. I mean...yea...I don't make sense. 

With steady strides and nonsense happily making its merry rounds in my mind, I was soon approaching the classroom. Mr Choi. History in theatre studies. Brilliant. Why do we always have to be so concern about the dead? They say it is to learn from the past. However what if it is was nature that made life and time be nothing but a big circle? Whatever.

Throughout the whole time that Mr Ock was explaining about the significance of contemporary art, my mind was fixated on the letter. Why did it entice me? To be honest, the contents has nothing to do with me. It was Taeyeon’s. A simple point. Hence why is there no such thing as a simple conclusion in my head? Why is it that I have this urge to find out more? To find whoever it is for her? What does it mean? What does my reaction and wants mean? 

‘Now that is why there is always a reason for everything.’ Mr Ock concluded. 'And sometimes, finding the root of something could be the way to avoid a potential disaster.' Exactly. My eyes look up to his natural inverted mohawk. Somehow he is under a area of great light. Who knew there was more to him then his lack of hair. Mr Ock, you are glowing in my eyes.

Just then, the bell rang. He is such a great man. My head nodded in agreement with myself. Since everything happens for a reason but there are many ways of implying that action. Which means there are many reasons that cause one action and till today we aren’t able to measure the exact magnitude of how each reason and which is the main cause. We can simply do and figure out the rest later. Cause everything happens for a reason whether we want it to do so or not. So lets go. So lets do. Lets just run free.

I sat down at the bench. All the thinking has really tired me out. So much for running free. I heaved a sigh. Someone should tell Krys to give me some of her athletics ability. I close my eyes and leaned my head back. Opening them, I saw the noble tree that provided my much needed shade from the vicious sun. 

Watching the leaves soak up the glory of sunlight and preventing me from a bad tan, I understood. Why was I wanting to put my a** where it didn’t belong? It was simple. Cause the other time when I respected, blood was splattered. Now I can’t have that. Sometimes we have to face the heat to admire the sky. So screw being understanding and consideration. If I am to save her from the depths of sorrow why not? She has been my warmth, it is only right that I show gratitude. 

With the new determination, I stormed my way back. Three more classes and it will be time to be the intruder.