Chapter 15- Don’t Give Me That Look

Movie’s Over -Block B

Something was imposing its light in my darkness. Like the an annoying stain in the middle of my serenity. Winching a little, I could feel my left shoulder muscles in a state of immense tightness. Pushing myself up to a sitting position, I sat at the edge of the bed. With my palm faced upwards, then turning it, the tingles of numbness still lingered in my veins. Damn just what did she infused into me. My right hand raises and pinches my nose bridge. Next I curl my fists and made them catch every breath that I was emitting. In this state, I needed to think. I am having issues. Issues more pressing than what you turned me into. Brilliant play there Steph. I humbly thank you.

This place was danger. Not like the place that would cure...it was more like a place where they gave you the tools but set you to be here forever. I know me. My issue in not speaking was simply because I had lost the understanding on how useful communication is. However putting me here...making this place run on its own. Lets say a good majority of mental issues comes from the breakdown of trust. So how does letting people roam freely here assist in establishing trust? In here, we all are who we are. Acceptance of the flaws as well as patting ourselves on the back for possesing such differences? My eyes scanned around the room. It takes cash, lots of it. Takes tons of money to house girls with a high likely chance of becoming a free loader. So what is it? Why are we here...

Just then the room door flung open. She ran towards me. Grabbed me by my shoulders tightly. Her eyes were in panic. I, on the other hand, was definitely puzzled by them. ‘Are you alright?’ I nodded my head slowly. Only then did she relaxed. Then again, with her head facing the floor. Is this relaxation or... I have no idea what the other option was. So I gently tapped once on her thigh.

She softly breaks the silence.‘I’m sorry. About Yul. About us. About me...’ My teeth clenched together. Being reminded of her, makes me shiver. The recalling of the way her eyes were smoothingly decieving. Her lips imposing their mark on me.  ‘You know...when Yul came and told me how much she likes you and all...I couldn’t even find a way to pass it off with a smile. Sad isn’t it? I can’t even hide my emotions well enough at that moment.’ 

Throughout her speech, she never once looked at me. However, even without those windows, I felt the atmosphere become something. Like I was about to witness the reveling of the mess swept under the big old rug. ‘I used to be good at this. Hiding myself, setting the right response that the other desire. I had this thing you see...this stupid thing about picking up emotions and the reaction another wants. To me, that was great. I don’t need to hurt people. I could avoid all those confrontation. It was like a special peace award for me.’

‘Then it crashed. Round one, I was to choose my mother or my sister. While trying to balance the tight rope of pleasing all, I fell. Fell to no man’s land. Still, I believed my old man’s reasoning of things. He would always say that  within us resides a greater purpose. He was nice.’ Was? Why the past tense? Could it be that he is gone? ‘Round two, a fabulous girl and the hurtful truth. Guess what, I lost once more.’ Then she lifted up her head. ‘Is this round three?’ Why the pain? Why the sorrow? Why the question?

I couldn’t answer. Not in words, not in body language, not even through telepathic transmission, I’m at a lost of how to react. That expression... please don’t give me the look. I close my eyes. I’m not going to see. I’m not going to see. Don’t give me that look. Don’t ask me for answers. My eyes open. ‘Don’t.’ I plead with her. She smiles at me and nods her head. ‘Alright.’ Then, she gets up and towers over me with her small frame. Patting my head, she says, ‘Sorry.’ I swatted away the hand that makes me feel like a five year old. Playfully, I glared at her. She responded with a little lighthearted giggle. 

‘Sica...’ Thanks for bringing the unwanted mood back. I pouted at her as I listened on. ‘I want to win this...if we are the third round.’ I turned my head away from her. Strangely, it made me in line with the discarded book of Steph's. Thanks for the sign. I faced the living one again. Shaking my head, I stood up. Pulled her into my embrace. I felt her body transit from tensed to relax. I just hug her. I merely wanted to feel her warmth spreading around me. Selfishly, I wanted her to be my knight. Yet reality told me, she was only going to run into a brick wall if she continued on this path with me.

Don’t push it, don’t risk falling off the edge. That was what I would say. However, it was nicely packaged in my head only. That would have been my words to Steph too. My so called sound advice. With Steph in my head, I break our warmth. Looking at Taeyeon, instead of kissing her in the heat of the moment, I leaned my forehead against hers. Biting my lower lip, shutting my eyes tightly, I wished the body contact could expressed what I meant. I wanted to tell Taeyeon that she deserves more. That us being another round of battle for her is sad. It will be so sad... ...

‘I...’ Don’t say it. ‘lo...‘Don’t finish it. ‘ve...’ Don’t. ‘you.’ I heaved a sigh and looked at her. She looks back. Her eyes shows that she is sober, aware and honest. ‘Don’t just look at me that way.’ I turned around, heeding her words, heading for my exit. ‘Don’t run away.’ My feet stopped its motion. Why does she have a hold on me just like you?

Looking up at the ceiling, I was in despair. My mind rushes to find a way to deny her. She is dangerous. She is just another you. Another you that I can’t bear to see failing. I need to find a crack in her simple confession, to find a way to tell her no. ‘Nod and signify that I’m not on a fast track of a one way train wreak.’

Closing my eyes then opening them once more. ‘Tell me that there is a us.’ Her voice cracks at the end. Silly girl how and why would you fall so hard for someone like me? At that moment, the corner of your baby pink catches my attention. Why do I like silly people? 

I took the steps to you. Picking it up, I walked towards her. On the way, I decide to take the ball point pen on the desk. Holding that simple pen like a dagger, I continued on. The way she watches me. The way her eyes pleads for her answer.  Lifting you up to her eye level, I slowly acted out the motion of the pen stabbing me. Once the pen hits the heart, the familiar numbness that resides shouts its praises.  Staying in that position for a moment, to let her absorb what I’m trying to get. Then, I proceed on out the door. As the door closes, she simply state for me to hear, ‘The bell rung.’

The door shuts. Yes, it hurts. I look down at you. You’re firmly in my hand... ...how ironic. 

After the aimless walking, I sat down on a bench. I flipped to the second last page. Of course, all that greeted me was a perfectly blank page. How can it be filled when the owner is dead. The ending written perfectly. Somehow, in some way, my hand decided to write with the dagger. One word become a line. A few more lines became a stanza.  Next, the stanzas became this. Great. I scan down the messy writing.

Yeah yeah oh oh oh
Yeah yeah oh oh oh
Yeah yeah oh oh oh
Oh oh oh

The rain tap dancing on the window, told me that God knew about pain

The slow waltz of the flowing air shows indifference to my window pain

Through it all, I’m clearly flawed, 

It was neither her fault nor yours

Its the clouds that didn’t soften anybody’s downfalls

Woah woah woah woah (yeah)
Woah woah woah woah (woah baby)

Discard me from your innocent mind

Leave these emotions of blind love behind

Woah woah woah woah
Woah woah woah woah yeah

That is the right way 

Don’t choose the other 

Cause this path heads no where

Movie’s over. Life ain’t no bed of roses

It is just a juggle, survival of the fittest

Bye bye good bye bye

Don’t make things hard girl

Please just let me be

The thought was nice 

The intention was sweet 

But you choose to love the villain that shot love.

Uh uh it’s over uh.

Don’t fight against the downpour

The rainbow, your hallucination

Happy endings is actually our brick wall

In other words, oncoming pitfalls

These are warnings not a round of empty threats

I’m no coward in front of commitment acts

It is through commitment that I care to tell you all these facts

And with that, 

I hope you care enough to follow through on not coming back

You must think that I’m some kind of joke

What kind of fellow will heed the words of a silent folk

Yet I’m serious in asking you to abandon this ship

Cause there will be nothing here but broken pieces

Must you wait and see for what I say to hold true 

Woah woah woah woah
Woah woah woah woah yeah

Carry on the path with a lighter load

Stir away from love’s black hole

Movie’s over. Life ain’t no bed of roses

It is just a juggle, survival of the fittest

Bye bye good bye bye

Don’t make things hard girl

Please just listen to me

The thought was nice 

The intention was sweet 

But now choose to love another better person please.

If the doubt rebels and shows the real me hesitating about what I’ve been preaching

Then baby, please pretend not to see my inadequacy in avoiding the ideals of love

Movie’s over. Life ain’t no bed of roses

It is just a juggle, survival of the fittest

Bye bye good bye love

Don’t make things hard girl

Please leave me already

The thoughts were nice 

The intentions were sweet 

I can’t live up to be your man. It’s over

Uh uh it’s over uh.

(Based on the song: Movie’s Over by Block B. Lyrics are a mash up of mine and the original’s)

I’m an idiot. Closing the book, I stood up and walked away from the bench that gave me a random encounter with inspiration for creative writing. However now, I need to deal with another issue that love has bought.