Chapter 10: Pyxis 

Trying to find some purpose- Vertical Horizon

My outburst has simmered down. The tears drying up. Silence rides between us. It was the first time in fact that I’ve seen her so quiet. We were both just watching whoever that was walking. Looking at the vast greenery and the buildings. It was like we are just part of the scenary. Just two ordinary people part of a drawing depicting the normalcy of life. The irony in my statement makes my nose twitch. What is normal? What holds the true meaning of normal? Is normal just a collective word to describe you when you are part of the majority? 

I stole a peak at her. She was smiling and observing. Now the question is why? Why is it that she can smile and look at the surroundings? On the other hand, why am I asking everything? Like I’m doubting everything. I fidgeted a centimeter away from her. My body spoke for me. I was afraid of infecting her and causing that creepy smile. As the silence continues, her smile still illuminating her aura, I was begining to feel very much aware of her bright smile. Her smile is creeping me out. I guess I’m the further end of the tunnel. I could only sigh

‘Jessica Unnie.’ My back stiffen a little as she suddenly spoke. ‘Why do you remain silent? Do you not see the beauty of conversing? Or has someone told you that talk is useless?' She paused. Was she lettingthe shock of her sudden speaking ride past or for my brain to deal with her question with an answer. Neither of which I was incapable of. 'I used to believe that talk was something that was worth nothing too. I live my life in a strict manner. To me everything in life can be dealt with through simple fixed steps. Follow it and there you will have results. It was simple. Just cut, solve, fix, close. It was a repeated procedure. Like how athletes have a fixed training regiment to suit them. It made sense to me. That those steps could be applied to everything.

Reading books I found that out to be more true. Once the problem is fixed leave it alone. What is proven to be true will remain true. Like how the world was square till Lucretius proved the concrete evidence that the theory was false. To me, everything was nothing but a big mathematical equations that beckons my knowledge to solve, fix and close.  With that idea centered around me, grades went up. Skipping a few grades was easy. If the problem was obtaining marks then the solution will be to have all the answers so as not to get marks deducted. Simple logic.

However, I soon got into trouble. I mean I was only 15 and here I was in the final year of high school. Maybe it was my ridged manners. Maybe it was my introverted ways. I don’t know. Either way somehow I was the perfect breed to be bullied. Everyday it was a continuos cycle. The problem that needed to be fixed was me. Hence I didn’t shout out for help. Instead I did what I usually do. I tried to fix. This time round, I needed to fix me. 

Fifteen years has passed by with me being me. Two years later, I’m still me. So the bullying continued. Simple and straightforward isn’t it? It wasn’t until YoonA Unnie came into my life. She came out of nowhere. Blocked the chair that was suppose to land on my back. 

Then she looked at my villains straight in the eye, ‘damn girls have strength these days.’ Next she picks up a piece of the shattered chair and look them straight in the eye. ‘I wonder what would happen if the process of a chair became nothing more then sherds was record and shown to the hardworking police officers?’ Of course they were all scared and ran away.

Amazing wasn’t she? Like a bright ray of light. Like my true knight has finally arrived to save me. It was mythical yet this had become part of my past and reality. I didn’t know her at all. Only heard of her as the peculiar beauty that didn’t socialize with anyone.’ 

She suddenly stop her story telling. Looking at me straight in the eye, she smiled. That same creepy smile from earlier. The smile taht tells you she acknowledges whatever little good you hold. ‘Unnie. Maybe you just need to find something other than your troubles to gain the purpose of moving on. Whatever it may be, maybe being abnormal doesn’t mean you need fixing. Maybe it just needs accepting and understanding.’ O...kay? So the issue at hand was finding purpose? 

‘I wonder why I told you all that.’ I wonder that too. I looked at her in deep thoughts as she took a moment to herself as she pondered over her question. Looking back, I too begin to wonder why I even let her sit beside me. Then she stood up. I could only look at her abrupt movement blankly. ‘Oh wells, have a good day Unnie.’ Politely she bowed and left. She came and left as a weirdo that somehow makes more sense than I ever will.

I watch the diminishing figure become totally out of sight. IS THIS PLACE JUST FILLED WITH QUESTIONS THROWN AT ME?! My head naturally slump down into my hands. All the weirdness. All the unexpected things. All the why and whats. Oh my head hurts. Using your pink book, I lightly tap my head in hopes of making whatever is inside to become a proper brain.

Staring intensely at the book of yours. How I wish I had the heart and will to dump you away. Now there is no way around this wound you left me bleeding with. Thanks bestie. Sincere gratitude in you being a coward. I flashed my middle finger at the innocent pink cover. I heaved out a sigh. The sky had become dark, it was time to go back to the room. My luck ran out the moment you jumped. Yes I am blaming all my cursed luck on you.

I walked every so slowly back into my room. I’m returning to room named as a star meant to be a compass for ships. In all seriousness where is the compass? A five minute walk back was dragged to fifteen minutes. I bite my lower lips as I stared at the door  nervously. I pray that it wouldn’t be too awkward.

The door just had to creak open. Alerting her that the coward has arrived. ‘Sica...’ She was still facing the opposite wall as her small frame rested on my bed. ‘I’m sorry I stepped out of line.’ I watched her as she said that simple sentence with such intense sincerity. Closing the door silently behind me, I stayed at the spot roughly 2 centimeter away from the closed door. 

Distance between us was approximately 4 big strides by me. However walking over felt wrong. Her eyes that usually emit such warmth has now become opaque. It wasn’t solid black. It was just black. Like it was a color that just held nothing worth. Watching her just sitting there, staring at the wall, it was like she wasn’t here. The way she just looks at that one spot with a body that barely even finch an inch. Like a statue that was hallow and empty. I didn’t like this view of her. It was uncomfortable. It was simply lifeless.

Clenching stupidity’s book slightly tighter and having my detest for what I see growing, I gathered all my strength and threw the book right smack at the temple of her head. It hit with force. This I’m sure. I mean I’m panting after throwing it. Yet she just recoiled from the impact. What the crap?! Why in the world is she like this? This isn’t the girl I knew. This isn’t the warmth I grew to know. Grew to love.

With angry strides, I stomped my way to be directly facing her. Transferring a bigger amount of frustration, my hand snapped back and landed on her cheeks with great force. Her face instantly redden. Her body tensed in shock as my enraged eyes glared at her. She ever so slowly tilted her head up. ‘Welcome back.’ Her eyes now that familiar dark brown shade. Although the warmth isn’t up to the normal level, at least it was there. She seemed a little out of breathe. What in the world was going through her head? 

She pulled me by my wrist so that I would be sitting beside her. Her sight still on the wall but her hands still holding onto mine. Instead of looking at her face, I was fixated on her small hands that firmly tightens around my wrist. What was the meaning behind the silence that now rides the currents between us? What is the reason for Taeyeon to still be holding my hand? The biggest question is why in the world am I staring at our hands connected?

‘I’m sorry about just now and the one before that.’ This apology was sincere but more normal. That sentence sounds weird. However that was the one sentence from her after roughly five minutes and my eyes was finally looking at her face. ‘I’m just a little stress. Worried. Afraid. That kind of mixture makes me a little unstable.’ I nod my head. It wasn’t that I was understanding why she was explaining or what she was explaining. It just seemed like the most appropriate reaction for a fake mute.

‘Thanks for the slap. I really need a good bang to wake up my senses.’ It seems like I hit too hard. The light red hand print was still on her left cheek. Evidently evoking all my guilt. My hands touched the consequences of my harsh action. It was first two fingers that gently trace around it. Then somehow, after some unknown time, it became my palm pressing lightly onto it. Taeyeon, by now, had closed her eyes and was relaxing her face in the comforts of the little support my palm bring. 

All this while, I was just looking at her exquisite features. Looking at her being all calm and  comfortable, I couldn’t help but wonder. ‘Are you Pyxis?’