Chapter 9: No Luck

Creep-Radiohead

The afternoon was hot and annoying. I took the remote control for the air conditioning with a vengeance. Pressing hard on the button. I slammed onto the bed. Thinking...who are they? In fact who are all these people? These people that doesn’t have the proper screws intact. Who are they? And why am I part of them? I picked up the pink colored book. Staring at it. Tracing the boundaries of it. Am I the me of today cause of myself or cause you made me this way? Am I being objective to have been concluding that you are the root of my problems or am I just someone irresponsible and pushing the blame onto you? Will there be answers even if I do read till the end? What is it that makes the living want to listen to the words of the dead? I flipped the pages...hopeless.

30 October

Hey there. It is me again. I mean who else can it be right? I fought with daddy today. I suppose I could be calling you or her. However I choose to write it here instead. This has become addictive. Writing in secrecy, pretending that you are there listening to me in real time. Sometimes I wonder why people want to be heard loud and clear. I mean I have such a booming voice that maybe I’ll never fully appreciate the beauty of being loud. 

Back to the main point. Daddy thinks I’m going out too often. I mean of course I am. I’m like someone’s girl now. Plus he just had to drag in the fact about how I was being not realistic about my ambition in life and all. That being an entertainer is just a high class national clown. I mean seriously. Seriously! I so do have an ambition. I’m going to be famous and be experiencing the most romantic kind of love! This is who I shall and WILL be. I’m sure of it.

I couldn’t help but let out a bitter laughter. How sure were you Steph? Just how sure were you? Where was that determination to prove uncle wrong? Where was your determination to live? How did such a flame just engulfed the user instead? Is this why people said not to  play with fire? 

Closing the book, I gently put it at the side. This is upsetting. The living is still being twirled around by the dead. Shows how brilliant the breathing is. Shows how meaningless I have deteriorate to. Shows how inefficient my breaths has become. Suddenly, I felt a stinging in my forehead. What the...Instantly I got up and glared at the villian that hit me with a coin. Yet once my eyes landed on the source, my head naturally tilted downwards. 

‘That was 500 won. So maybe lesser than a penny for your thoughts, But still worth a semi story. Overall, a good bargain in your case. Since you most probably wouldn’t be talking and I'll still need my superb sense of interpretation skill.’ She smiled at me. I used my eyes to pan the bed and then found the harder stuffed pillow at my disposal. Picking it up. I focused all my energy into my thumb and forefinger that was pressing on the right corner. Glaring at her, I flung it with all my might. However luck was still not in my favor, as the pillow happily landed ever so softly, no where near her. She naturally burst into laughter. IDOIT!

I glared at her the whole way through her enjoyment of my failed throw. She walked towards the pillow and picked it up. 'Fluffy.' She continued giggling while approaching me. Putting away my useless attempt, she sat down beside me. I was still eyeing her laughter.

‘Alright...alright. Not funny at all.’ Did she just wipe a tear caused by her immense outburst of laughter? WHY THAT LITTLE!!!! ‘Hey hey...' She started to fan my invisable flames. 'You must admit that was hell of an act.' All these while, she kiddishly smiled in apology. I pouted as my heart was begin to realise its childish way. She smiled back happily when she knew my flames where gone.

'So~ back to the main point. You alright?’ Her eyes instantly changed to one of concern and intense observation of every fiber in me. Blinking once, I slightly shifted back out of pure instinct. Why do I feel so small? Isn’t she the one that is shorter? The one that is smaller?

She takes a leans in closer. I feel myself becoming slightly smaller once more. Then she looks straight into my eyes. Something was slowly being unravelling within me, like she was solving the pieces of a puzzle inside me. Whatever she may be doing, it made my head scramble for defense. ‘What are you hiding?’ Her face now barely an inch away. Her gaze still fixed on mine. Beads of cold sweats slowly drip down the side of my face. My heart beating wildly. ‘Why are you hiding?’ Why is she is asking me all these questions? Wait. How am I hiding? Why the choice of using the word hiding? I'm in plain sight! 

Suddenly, she backs away. Standing tall and confidently walking towards something or somewhere. When she  turns back to face me, her hands were mysteriously put behind her back. This mere seconds of action made my nerves panic in mayhem. ‘Is this the answer?’ A pink book appears in between our faces. The shade of pink that you love. My eyes widen. In pure  reflex reaction, I reached out in attempt to take it back. However, consistent with my lack of physical accomplishments, I missed. ‘Or is this your fort?’ She continues looking straight into my eyes. 

What is going on? Why is she being like this? When did the 180 change come from? Where is the understanding fellow that was my roommate? I stretched out my hand. Demanding your book to be returned. ‘Why is there anger in your eyes when you see me holding this? So is this your drug?’ Anger? I mean I should be shouldn’t I? She took my belonging, my possesion. Why shoudln't I be angry whn my privacy has been intruded? Taking it then interrogating me with it, about it. To make matters worse, she was taunting me by holding you slightly out of my reach. What was that suppose to mean! Damn right there is anger. I'm furious. One more attempt to get you back, one more time that you had slipped out of my grasp.

‘You could be shouting. You can be yelling. Instead you choose to remain silent. Silently demanding to have your book back. Unwilling to budge. Unwilling to put your hand down. Unwilling to talk. For what reasons do you choose to be so stubborn? For what reasons do you decide in walking along this particular path?’ I tried to snatch back the book once again. In hope, that she would be caught off guard. Wishing that my hands would not fail me for once. Yet life stayed true to itself. Distancing itself from luck. In other words, I missed once more. Once more. ARGH!  

‘I can help. Two may be better than one in such cases.’ What is she proposing? That us combined might hold the powers of beating death and time? Outrageous. ‘Why the smirk?’ I look at her. Just look at her. ‘Fool.’ She seemed to be taken back. That was my chance. I snatched the book and sped out the door. Leaving her and her ridiculous preposition of searching for answers. All I want is to have a proper explanation of why this life has been designed for me?

What kind of luck am I having today? ARGH!!! I settled on the bench. Sizziling from all the frustrations. One for you who is the biggest is idiot that I cherish. Two at luck for abandoning me. Three for placing all the pent up frustrations onto Taeyeon. ARGH! All the frustrations. All the unsolved questions. All of these made my useless self feel at a greater loss. Tears rolls down.

‘Unnie are you alright?’ I open my eyes. Seohyun was staring at me. Her eyes round and filled with concern. I quickly tried to whip away the signs of my weakness. ‘Mind if I sit?’ I shifted a little. She sat beside then begin to rummage her bag for something. Her hands slightly tremble as she offers the bright white tissue.

Observing it for awhile, I took it. I nodded my head in appreciation. ‘Was the story that sad? Was it a bad ending? I don’t really like novels that has a bad ending. Makes me feel like I should speak to the author about how fairytales are fiction and hence they should have a happy ending.’ I look down to the pink book in my hand. Yes. How I wish it was a happy ending too. 

That somehow made me cringe up as the water came down at a greater intensity again. ‘Oh! Omona. Sorry Unnie. I didn’t mean to.’ Panic rings in her voice. I wish I had been able to tell her that it wasn’t her fault. ‘Unnie...It is alright. Everything will be fine. Happy endings will always arrive.’ I wish for her words to be true. I wish for that to so badly be true. 

We sat there beside one another. Me being pathetic, sobbing my eyeballs out. While she patting my back in a rather awkward tempo. In attempt to try to smooth out the crumpled portion that she wrongly assumed to be of her doings. When in fact it was my lack of luck that had left me in a state of distress.