Chapter 23: What Am I doing?

She slides the cup of tea. Being her, she doesn’t ask but exudes the air of I’m here for you. Taeyeon in her own way is exquisite. I look down. Tracing the cup with an index finger, thinking back to the fire we had set on Steph. Silence was only disrupted by the little cracking of the wood that was lit up for it. The flame was not glorious, it was small. Like a little child’s match on fire, like I am that child holding on tightly to the little match. Searching for the heat that may include me in its warm circle. 

Throughout the whole process, Taeyeon held my hand as we watch it grow then became nothing at all. Never once did she spoke. She didn’t even complain about my sweaty palms. Sub consciously, I wiped my left hand on my pants. 

‘Drink the tea, not play with your cup.’ She speaks as if she was some mother nagging at me. Correction. Another mother. I only have one mother. Mum I miss you and apologise for being a terrible kid. I didn't sigh at the fact. Yet accepted that confirmation whole heartedly. That is how far I had gone from my folks. 'Drink.' She repeats.

Chamomile, I noted as I took my first sip. That has been the way after she had found out about its benefit. Every time when she finds me in a difficult situation, she would brew a cup. I heave a sigh. Gosh what am I doing to this poor girl here. The confessions that she gave, the way she acts for me, damn. I can’t even find another word to describe it. Damn.

My eyes faces her as I watch her go about her lower deck. I wonder why she is here. The curiosity made me open my mouth. Yet it shuts the moment our gazes locked on each other. ‘Yea?’  She asks gently. I shake my head. What am I doing? I pick up the cup and drank a gulp. My throat felt dry. Her methods of being sweet and lovely really me in.  However at times, I can only feel myself at the brink of suffocation. Am I that ungrateful of a brat?

As I observe her, I could only admit how terrible I am. Once the cup was emptied, I stood up and proceed to the sink. Normally, I would leave the cup and walk away with my head held high. However with the thought of trying to be less horrible, I turned the tap to wash the cup. Upon noticing, she giggles. I pouted and continued on washing. Pretending that the giggle was not of amusement at my simple action of washing the cup I had used.

I could hear as well as feel her approaching me. Her arm wraps around my waist softly. I tried to ignore the gesture for no conclusive reason. ‘Thanks.’ She says. I blink once. Pondering if she was thanking me for the allowed hug or for washing the cup. ‘Both.’ I nod my head slowly. It is certainly uncanny at how she seems to be able to answer my questions. ‘We will be fine.’ She says again then giving me one last squeeze before departing away from me. 

In that instant, a cold breeze brushes past my back. She takes a seat by my bed. I gave a smile to alleviate the awkwardness that I am feeling. ‘Sica ah.’ she suddenly says when I had lied on the bed. I turn away from her head and face the wall. If this was going to be another confession by her, I was ready to bang my head on the wall. ‘Can we talk?’ She asks.

Looking at the wall in front, I remain in a conflicted position of whether to proceed with my previous cause of action. Maybe hitting the wall is better but having the rough idea of where this conversation is heading, banging on the wall may send the wrong message. I bite my lip at thinking of a way out of this. Undecided, I turn around to see my chances. The back of her small head seem more distant than actual. 

‘Do you like me?’ I should have chosen the wall. ‘Will you like me?’ I stayed frozen instead of running straight for the wall. 

Normally, she wouldn’t let the unanswered question last for more than 10 seconds. 11 seconds. 15 seconds. 20 seconds. She stands before me waiting for an answer. A form of reply. I look back at her while my stomach did flips. 34 seconds. She remains unfazed. I feel like a cat running around in an attempt to seek shelter from the rain. 

I my upper lip. ‘When you agreed to burn the book. It meant something...’ Her eyes pleading with me to answer. To tell her something for once that love didn't strap her on a boat without sail. Her head drops. Softly, nearly inaudible she questions herself and I by adding a delayed, ‘right?’ I look at her with nothing but apology. 

If this poor soul really knew the reason, will it devour her senselessly? Closing our gap, I hugged her. She didn’t wrap her arms around me. She was like a tiny lifeless pole filled with uncertainty. Guilt is chewing at my conscious. My eyes shut. Selfishly I wanted to plead her to be there without anything in return. To hold no expectation while continuing to give her all for me. My heart clouds with darkness. Every inch that the bad won, those still sober cries for me to come back to my sense. Basically, it wishes I could wake up my bloody idea. 

‘Taeng.’ I felt her intending to look me in the eye. Instead of allowing it, I pulled her in a little tighter. ‘Taeng. Love died. I don’t know what or how. Yet love, as a whole, died too. I...’ My mind searches for the word. The word that can tell her how it should be. Something that could help decipher what I wanted.  

She nods then gently peel away. ‘Love died with her.’ It was an affirmation. Something I agreed with but was disgusted by that same fact. I didn’t wish to admit it but it is true. The truth hurts. Our eyes reflected our fresh wounds by that one line. The silence rides along before she speaks up once more. 

‘Tiffany has always been that big a light. She would always outshine her surrounding. It was that kind of confidence that made me so glad that I had her as my exchange partner. But... I overestimated the powers of her optimism. It fell flat against Hyo’s pessimism. Sadly till today I can’t comprehend the power of her light.’ She lets out a weak laughter. ‘Today, I underestimated her glow.’ Her eyes reflected the volume of hurt. ‘I am in love with the lady who can’t see past her glory. I'm a main character of a real life cliche.’ The smile at the end took the final stab towards both of us. 

I should voice out something. Something that would overwrite that conclusion. On the contrary to my thoughts, my mouth remain shut. I exhaled as a sign of waving a white flag. I am not meant for comfort. That has never been my forte with or without verbal issues. I look at her. Conveying nothing but nothing. She heaves a subtle sigh. Looks up at the ceiling light. ‘Taeyeon.’ I call out to her. ‘Is one step behind.’ She adds on. Then she pats my head, turns around and went up the steps. 

Watching her backview as she climbs up, the heart aches. I'm in pain seeing how small I had smashed her into. ‘Taeyeon.’ I call out to her once more. This time she only stop. Our eyes doesn’t meet. ‘Wait for me to catch up to you.’ I bite my lip as the selfishness within took the victory flag. 

‘Goodnight Sica.’ With that, she went to her bed and out of my sight. Staring at the emptiness of the opposite wall I pondered, if I am leading her on or preparing myself for love? What am I doing? I picked my bag off the floor and went out the door. What am I doing?