Chap23: Don’t Love Me

Crying in a constant state of confusion mixed with frustration made nights unbearable. Even with shut eyes, even with the casual normal conversations, that night did more then exposed the truth. It crippled us. IT crippled me. If I was walking with a limp, I am now rolling lifelessly around. ‘Jessica Jung’  My name washed past my ears and brain. I couldn’t pay any attention to it. ‘Ms Jessica Jung?’ The one who calls is not the one who should be speaking at me with such concern. 

‘Soft kitty.’ My back stiffen. Why now? I cursed. ‘Ms Steven please continue I’ll handle this.’  I bet she is saying that with a wide smirk. Her hand still annoyingly my hair. After another 3 seconds, my goosebumps reached its peak. I took her hand and finally sees that classic smirk of her. ‘Are you going to hit me in class?’ She whispers with the usual irritating ring in her tone. I glare at her. ‘Or did you really wanted to hold my hand?‘ Her smirk deepens. In an instant, I dropped it. 

She burst out laughing, making the whole class attention to be on us. ‘Sorry Ms. Hyoyeon and Jessica having a ball of a time, no new nuts.’ My jaw dropped at her cool dismiss of their gaze. It was made more disgusting by her referring to herself in third person. I hate her. I hate her. I really hate her. My mind begin spitting out a whole long string of curse words. Obviously some were made up by me but still. I’m honest at my distaste for her. 

The bell rings and I am glad. In the fastest speed, I left the room. ‘BYE BYE SICA!!!’ She yells out loud. The way it echos in the corridor makes me want to do a sharp u-turn to punch her senseless. I raised my middle finger proudly. Her amused laughter rode the second wave of annoyance. 

I took the steps of fury down the hall. I wanted peace and yet this is where I am. Often I wondered why? How is it that shipping me off here was the point of aid by my parents? Was it avoidance? An act of save yourself first? Or was there truly a bigger picture in placing me here? If I was so wrong in not speaking, if I am so wrong that I needed to be here, then where exactly is the help that is needed to cure the crap out of me?!

By now the tears were streaming down my face. There was no longer any need to hide them. I mean after all I’m placed here in this place where your flaws are encouraged to be embrace. I wanted to shout. To yell out so freaking loud. To be a brat that had all the easy answers. To hit home run for every of life’s curveball. Instead, I’m here with the constant companion of tears and confusion. Who am I?

I turned the sharp corner and into the secret walkway. Once in the middle, I squat down and let the gates be unlocked. Just then, I felt a hand on the shoulders that holds baggages of my unreasonable acts. ‘Hey...’ Oh this is really placing a fabulous strawberry on my squashed shortcake. ‘You alright?’ At that, all I could really do was laugh at how life had to deliver a wicked slider. 

‘Jessi...’ Oh. I look vividly straight into your eyes. Those eyes that speaks the depth of your concern. Those eyes that reflected the depths of my despair. I’m giving up. ‘Hey Steph.’ I said to her with a shaky smile. I give up. ‘Talk to me.’ That line of persuasion is so ironic that I can’t even wrap my whacky mind around it. 

‘Alright.’ Her eyes widen in shock. Memories empowers hallucination without a command button. I’m so whacked out of my mind. ‘Stephanie Hwang. I’m exhausted. Tired and ready to find a knife. Having you then loving you then losing you and now seeing you, is so hard. Being here is making things difficult. Taeyeon’s involvement, a fluttering butterfly, being here is only making me feel more tired. I am beaten down by your never ending presence in my heart. Stephanie Hwang, I love you. I love you so much that I am going insane and becoming an individual I detest. So I hate you. I want to hate you. Make me hate you.’ 

She reaches out and hugs me. Instead of feeling sticky like the last time we embraced under the building, she felt warm. She held me tightly as I wailed. Shutting my eyes tight, all I wished for time to stop. If I am delusional and happy, am I not given the right to be insane? If this is a total destruction of logic within me, why does it taste so damn sweet? 

Gently, she holds me at arm’s length. ‘Don’t hate me.’ Her left arm leaves my shoulder and wipes away the trailing droplet. ‘But don’t love me.’ I look straight at her absurd remark. ‘Sica Unnie!’ Startled, my eyes blink upon reflexes. With that, she disappears and so did all the warmth. 

Through approximately 6 feet apart, we looked at each other in silence. Then, she stomps towards me and dragged my lifeless body. I didn’t know where we were heading but I didn’t really care. After all that had occurred, a destination was honestly the last thing on my mind. 

The sights taken in by my eyes, no longer a factor. The way friction is burning my dragged feet and between her tight grip on me, I couldn’t be bothered. Let it leave a mark. Let there be a mark. Cause all I can process, is how much the line of ‘don’t love me’ has became my centre of gravity. 

For the first time, I resisted Yoong’s action. She looks at me indifferently. Her eyes speaks the volume of concern and anger. I smiled at her. ‘Yoong. Don’t love me.’