Chapter 2: Leaving. Not Refreshing.

Boston-Augustana

Clothes, books, more clothes, glasses, jackets...I was practically emptying out my closet. Krystal on the other hand was still sulking that I was agreeing with my parent’s plan. Or as she likes to term it as my abandonment plan. Anyway, main point was that I’m leaving tomorrow. Actually it was tonight since the flight was at 1 hence checking in at 11. Whichever, I had a sulking child watching over me. Are you still watching me? At the corner of my eye, I spotted the bright pink notebook. Staring at it, just looking at it, why was it demanding my attention. I was suppose to bid you farewell. 

‘Unnie?’ Her voice snaps me out of my trance. I turn to her and acted normal. Counting down the minutes to when she may leave. On with the dumping of more clothes into the big suitcase. When she finally left my room, my body automatically went to get stupid’s book. For the first time, I am flipping your book.

September 27 2011

Hey there...it feels awkward writing in it when I know that you will be reading this one day. Someday. However I believe that you would need to know. Cause I expect myself to be gone with a big bang. Well I always like the spectacular. Like pink, I’m attention grabbing and as hot as can be. Haha. You shall not be rolling your eyes at me writing, Ms Jessica Jung. Anyway main point of penning this book meant for you someday. I am here to talk to you about this girl. This girl that hit me suddenly. You know I was as straight as can be but somehow I am falling. I repeat falling for a girl. Shocking isn’t it? Who knew that we’ll be playing for the same team. Oh bet you are wondering how I knew you are on this side of the field. Aren’t you? But too bad I’m exhausted and deciding to be childish. So I’ll stop here for today. You know I love you. I know you love me too.

What the crap...That was all that I could process. She wrote this book with the intention of going with a big bang? Is she high on drugs? If these were the effects of drugs then why did I not figure anything out? Was I just playing the fool that thought she knew her bestfriend like the back of her hand? In frustration, I flipped to the next page.

September 29 2011

Hello... seems like this is going to be the standard way of starting each post since I’m not flowing with creativity. So as I was saying, You. You, my dear, is playing for that team. Don’t get me wrong, it isn’t something bad. I accept and love you for all that you are, even if you do go against the common belief. Oh I figured it out that day when you were drunk. We kind of...well it was unavoidable I presume...but anyway we kiss. Woohoo. Hahaha. Alright maybe it isn’t funny. I didn’t want to mention it to you since God selected you to forget about it through your hangover. 

We kissed?! And you darn fool had the stupidity of not telling me about it? What in the world is wrong with you? I read on.

Don’t be angry. I’m not stupid but thoughtful. You shouldn’t be scolding your bestfriend that way. Tsk tsk. Anyway about that girl. I met her in Julia’s classes. You know the one where they teach me how to play a flute. The only class that you refuse to go with me. (Evil glare here Haha) Anyway she was slightly smaller than me. Her hair brown and a little bit longer than yours. She was adorable. Pretty too. She would smile and then I would forget the existence of everything. It was like I knew her. I knew her...anyway I’m ending it here. I love you. 

What was that suppose to mean? That gives zero insight of that a** who pushed you over the edge. Literally. I was fuming enraged. I wanted to yell but I knew that nothing would be heard. After all you are the idiot who took it all away. Leaving me like a stupid mute. Why did you leave me? I stuffed the book into my carry on. 

Krystal came back just on cue. ‘Unnie...’ Her eyes look at me with one last desperate plea for me to defy against our parent’s plan. However, I zipped up my belongings and walked right past her. Yes I was becoming more and more like you. Leaving without any thought about those that may wish for you to stay.

The drive to the airport was quiet and tense. Father would only look straight. Mother had shut herself in the room. Krystal was on the verge of exploding into tears. It was tense. I on the other hand was fuming mad with you. You and the irritating effects of a hangover. I scrambled all around my brain to find a single fragment of something that resembles us kissing. How could one too many drinks caused me to not remember stealing your first kiss? Plus whatever happened to being totally honest with each other? I wasn’t even the one who demanded that we be completely open. Now who is this hypocrite that I had been calling my bestfriend? What in the world goes through the mind that I once thought I knew.

Do I even know you? That question lingered in my mind like the bad taste of wine that refuses to leave your taste bud. Robotically, we arrived at the boarding gates. Krystal exploded. I hugged her. Being the evil sister, all I could think of was why is she tearing up so badly? We had a close relationship. Had...things took a 180 as far as I could recall for the past three months. 

Still I had a sense of reluctance in letting her go. Was the me before you’re big bang seeping out? I didn’t know. With my right hand, I gently wiped the flowing tears and patted her head despite her being taller. I turned to face my father. His eyes filled with uncertainties, doubts and fears. However there was still a tinge of hope. Why was there hope when he was throwing me half way round the world? Hope in a sense of their life being better now or me getting better? Was I really ill?

‘Take care...’ His sentence was unfinished but he was unable to continue on. I could only nod my head in appreciation for all that he had put up with. I had the intention of hugging him one more time. Feeling his stubble beard resting lightly on my head. As if casting his protective glow over my whole body. We exchanged gazes, looking greatly into the depths of the respective other’s soul. Daddy...I really did wanted to hug you but didn’t. I’m sorry and I love you greatly. 

Taking a deep breath, I turned my back and headed towards the gates. This was it. Goodbye had took place. I clenched my fist around the slings of my bag. This was a new journey something that could make or break. Whichever I didn’t know. Honestly speaking, in a sense this was going to be my way of running. Escaping the beauty of our friendship into the arms of the comforting unknown. I must be crazy. When you said you had joined me at the other side of the fence...did you meant we being insane together?

Finally settling down at seat 40-J. I took out the stupid’s book. Gazing at the essence of the leftover you. Where no one knows my name...