Chapter 25: A Step

The sunlight creep in slowly. It slowly shines through the window plane, lighting up the carpet on the floor then the wooden planks of my bed and us. For once, it doesn’t annoy me. I am smiling at the small hands that joins together. Not pressing overly tightly on me but the presence of her arms around me is nice. Honestly, it is. 

‘You like it.’ My eyes lifts up and stares at the amber hair. ‘I like it when you did that to me.’  Her selfish arms wraps around her damned body and did her classic silly sway from side to side. I close my eyes. ‘Fine fine.’ I can hear her crystal clear. My bad, I am a girl with good listening skills. In addition, knowing her, she is pouting. I wanted to sigh. Instead I stole a peak. What greeted me was the opposite wall.

My eyes closes once more. She always knew how to control the puppy. I open my eyes to have the tear roll down. Staring at the spot that she was at, one more follows. I inhaled in then exhaled out. I felt her tiny arm fidget a little. I turn around to capture the sight of her awakening. 

Her eyes slowly flutters open. Upon making eye contact, she beams a smile. ‘Hey there.’ She says sweetly. I smile and nod my head. ‘You are up early.’ I turn to take her bedside clock. Flashing the 2pm at her face, she burst out laughing. When her laughing ceased, she snakes the arm around my waist once more. I can get used to this.

Watching her smile, I wasn’t so sure. I wonder am I being fair? Am I just changing roles? Am I the selfish Steph in this case? Am I the one that is feeding spoon full of wishful thinking into her? Is this why I’m a nut head that hallucinates? Is my seeing of Steph once more at this crossroad some kind of indication? 

‘Hey.’ I blink once and stare at her worried face. I weakly smile at her. ‘You alright?’ She asks ever so gently. I have become that fragile. I kiss her forehead. Squeezing her once more, I tried to erase all the questions. She hugs me back but her concern forms an invisible wall between us. This time there is no warmth exchange. Only the awkwardness of things not being homogenous. 

I gently peel myself off. Got up, took my stuff and head into the bathroom. Pushing in the lock, my legs gave way and made me slide down. Sitting on the cold tiles, I couldn’t help but tear in silence. This unknown weight and the schakels imposed by the dead is impeccable. Disgust at myself. That seems to be the reasonable reason for my crumbling down. 

One knock. ‘I’ll go get lunch.’ She voices out. An attempt at reaching me while I remain in my dungeon of silence. She stays sweet despite me being such a letdown. ‘I’m sorry.’ I whisper out towards the icy bathroom tiles with her face in mind. All of these apologises has to come to a halt. Just how many times must one suffer in the hands of unfairness. 

I take in a deep breath. ‘Steph. Can we talk?’ I spoke towards the opposing wall. Waiting for the moment when her bright amber hair would have come into view, however it never did. ‘I’ll see you at the alley.’ with determination, I continue to embrace my insanity by talking to the uncaring wall. 

Standing back up, I race towards the alley. Stretching out my leg, taking bigger strides, panting with every step, I just wanted things to be over sooner. I wanted to trash things out. I wanted to let everything go as soon as possible. I wanted... ....I am... impossible. 

Once arriving at the destination, my body naturally bend over as I panted. The running has literally the life out of me. A soft pat on my shoulder, ‘why did you run? You have always been a er at running.’ If my breath wasn’t being wasted on panting, I would have swatted her hand and yelled my lungs out.

‘Jessi, is it that important that I am here? That I came back? I thought you would be happy.’ She stretches out her hand as I stood back up. ‘You always did as you please.’ It came out as a muttered complain about the fact of life. A fact that has ever been so prominent in the life of mine.

I face my illusion straight in the eye. Watching as the wind freely blows at her luscious red locks, framing her face beautifully. ‘Why come back when I had one feet on track? Why say hi and all that after I final had something else to look forward to? Why are you here standing in front of me? Why did you come back? Why are you back?’ I ask her honestly as the tears formed in anguish.

Instead of looking hurt, she smiles. ‘Not everything has to have a concrete answer. Maybe I am here because we both are afraid of what may happen if you forget. Or maybe it just show how crazy love is. Honestly, Jessi, I don’t know.’ She speaks so sincerely as if she is real. Like she isn’t an imagination, like she isn’t an illusion. ‘Tiff.’ I close my eyes. My mind made a small noise as I called my illusion by Steph's illusion. ‘Tiff, go. We. You. I. Everything will be fine.’ My small wish being vocalised. 

Slowly, I reopen my eyes. In front, stood nothing but the pavement. Letting out a breath, my right feet stepped ahead of my left feet.