Chapter 13: Staying True To Nature.

Jessie J- Who you are

The bell rang. The end has brought about a new beginning. I spread my hands a little and tilted it slightly at a 20 degree to my body. Letting the air travel freely through the space in between my finger. These steps I take, filled with insecurities and illogical determination. It doesn’t make sense. Nothing ever did  anyway. So screw that, invading her privacy shall be deemed cool by me. All will be cool.

‘Yuri say hi. It is polite to greet someone you know.’ Yes it is polite but not always required. Then I felt a soft tap on my left shoulder. ‘Hello there Jessica shi.’ I turn around and nodded my head in acknowledgement. ‘Want to have lunch together?’ Do I really need to? My shoulder drop a little. Then my head just faced down a little. ‘Busy?’ Now I’m stuck in the awkward issue of pondering what to answer. 'Please say yes.' Is that a thought or a statement to me? Either way, I'm caught in the middle. I wanted to invade privacy, not to have mine disturbed.

My head fixed. My mouth dry. The lips, needless to say, shut. Hence all that occurred during the seconds of silence was me looking awkwardly at her while she looks at me edgerly. Suddenly, the look changed and she pouts before changing it into a worried expression. ‘Oh no. Jesica shi doesn't like me. ' Then her puppy eyes appears as she continues, 'do you dislike me, Jessica shi’ I shake my head with the truth. She suddenly takes a step towards me. Startled, I could only lean back. Was my sub-conscious really believing in her false claims? It is false right? Plus...isn’t she a little too close for comfort?

‘I don’t like it that you might dislike me.’ Her eyes, the way the pupil is darkening with every passing second. The tone that she used was so stern. Her whole demeanor is sending shivers down my spine. Out of a sudden, her hands grabs my shoulder. ‘You can’t dislike me Jessica shi.’ Terrified for to some reason that my mind can’t comprehend. My head nodded like I was a puppet confining to her wish. 

Once she recognize my action of complying, she smiled again. The way her expressions change in that split second......it was like she was more than meets the eye. The type of person that I swore never to approach. For the simple fact that, that such individual, you couldn’t predict. Like you. Unpredictable. Like the wind. Hard to grasp. Like love. Hard to understand. Cause when it boils down to what is their foundation as a being, it will always be ascertain as emotions.  Emotions that posses the power of impulsive recklessness. Plus I hate unpredictability.

‘Jessica shi.’ She command for my attention. My bidding to the call as my vision focused on her once more. ‘Do not fear the turbulence. Enjoy it. It is nothing more than a prolonged ripple effect. It is all very beautiful.’ She patted my head. 'Plus I'll always be there with you.' Her eyes looking at mine. Saliva travelled roughly down my throat. 'Always.' My goosebumps protested while my feet disobediently stayed rooted to the ground. ‘Little mary thought the lamb was following her. Silly mary didn’t know the truth behind all the fluffy wool. Right? Jessica shi.’ I didn’t get it. Didn’t want to get it.’ ‘I’ll see you around Jessica shi.' She took three steps before turning around once more. 'Oh and please don’t forget this little fact. I like you, Jessica shi.' Her smile wide. I'm deeply shaken by her smile and her confession of....love? Then wind, she left the scene. No fuss. Nothing but normalcy of reality. 

This place that has surrounds me. These buildings that towers over me. The walkway that may not be under my feet. Just who are all these individuals and why am I thrown into the mix. Was I one of His projects that was done with fifty percent? Was I part of the clueless that couldn’t see His wisdom? Is it because of the lack of full commitment that throughout these years all I obtain is confusion?Suddenly, a weight of twenty cows seem to have landed on my back. My whole body swayed forward. If it wasn’t for a force that held me back, my tender lips would have crashed itself on the rough pavement. 

I turned around to find her looking at me. ‘You alright there?’ I couldn’t react to her. It was like everything is finally hitting me. Amazing how she is always there to catch me. i'm exhausted due to being here. Correction, the exhaustion of being thrown here. My body started to sway. The eyelids getting in the way of my vision. I’m tired. Her face was getting dimmer. As if the sun has begin to set. I closed my eyes, hoping that it would alleviate the tiredness.

During the brief second of pure darkness, the world that I stood on seemed to be shifting. I quickly open my eyes as big as I could. Staring at her face, I pondered why she was looking at me in that manner. I wanted to ask. To finally use the neglected voice that should still be within me. To just say why? Instead, I slump forward, landing in her arms. 

‘Hey!’ With that I smiled as I landed in the only warmth that this darn confusing place held.

My eyes slowly fluttered open. The splatted random paints on the ceiling. The intense bright light greeting my eyes. I shut my eyes once more. A soft constant tap was annoyingly making its presence known in my head. Squeezing my eyes tighter, I was hoping to gain some sense regarding the sequence of events. 

‘Taeng. Tsk Tsk. Ms knight in shiny armour. You know fully well what it is like when Yul has set her eyes on something. Yet swoon like the beautiful butterfly that you are, capture the lost girl’s heart. While in the process change the calm sea to a fierce tsunami within. I applaud you.’ There was a sign accompanied by applauds which signals the beginning of ‘Shut up and play dead.’

‘It isn’t like I called for it. I had enough of love or what so ever. I’m here for one person and one person alone. It is your mental uncle, however kind he may be,  that has the fun in making me the gate of troublesome. Why is she placed under my care? Why is it that no matter where I go there is crazy going on? I’m already going insane! Just what is it with here?!’ The last sentence boomed and echoed around the room. Guess I am not the only one having issues with this place.

‘Oh come on. Everything happens for a reason, we just need to embrace the journey while we go searching for answers.’ I heard Taeyeon’s tsk at Hermera’s remark. ‘Trust me Taeng. If you and her do get it going on then so be it. Why bother about what Hyo says? Besides it wasn’t like you choose for life to roll that way.’ It was the first time that I could actually gather some sense of logic coming out of Hermera’s mouth. 

‘However...’ What is up with that pause? My brows frowned. I wanted to take a peek at why neither one of them was talking. Just as I was about to risk my cover, Hermera continues, ‘going against Yul for little miss silent over there is going to be so entertaining.’ She squealed in delight then letting out giggles of excitement. A leopard can’t change their spots. ‘Seriously. I feel like telling her to pack her bags and leave. This place holds nothing for her. You know what she is like. This place is just slowly eating her up...’ A heavy sigh at the end. Why do I feel so happy that she is concern for me? ‘And all these without the light being .’ 

That last sentence caught me off guard. My eyes bolted wide open. Back to me looking at that ceiling. Was I kept in the dark? ‘Oh. Taengoo always the caring one.' Out of nowhere, her overly big smile was dangling right in front of my enlarged eyes. 'Seems like the prize has awaken.’ I shifted uncomfortably. Taeyeon quickly came over and assisted me upright. ‘You feeling better?’ I nodded my head. Other than the slight ringing in my head, I was pretty much fine in physical term. Mentally...that will be a whole other story.

‘She is fine.' Hermera dismisses Taeyeon's concern like a unnecessary fly. 'Cause it seems like You are over working yourself. Plus You weren’t eating properly. Hence You had fainted from over exhaustion.’ I hate the way Hermera went about that tone of ‘You’ while addressing me. ‘Oh don’t worry Taengoo.  See.' Her finger pointed straight at my face. 'Her look of annoyance at me is back. She is as fit as a feedle.’ She swirls her chair so that she faces the table. ‘In other words, she is so back to normal.’ My irritation at her remarks couldn’t surface as my thoughts were clouded with trying to on the light.

‘Come on.’ Taeyeon gently tugged on my shoulder. Then came the steps of awkwardness back to our room. Why was it so darn awkward anyway? This is no first time meeting. I know her. She knew me. Yet there is nothing being said...with the air filled with awkward. I’m using awkward to describe everything. This is annoying. 

‘Why are you pouting?’ She suddenly spoke. Causing me to awkwardly keep my lips. There it is again. I'm so awkward even with my train of thoughts. I shake my head. ‘You know... Yul likes you right?’ With that, I tripped over my own feet. Lucky, she reacted quickly and gave me the helping hand to stability. ‘You alright?’ I gently peeled her hand of support and nodded my head. to which question I was answering to, I didn’t know. However, I’m sure I wasn’t answering both at the same time. 

The best responds I knew, I took. I walked on ahead. It was like looking at her in the eye was wrong. Like now, there was something so wrong about us. ‘Jessica shi!’ She called out as I begin to run. Why am I running? ‘Choose me!’ That made me stop. 'Pick ME!' It was only then did I turn around and face those eyes. With the pause in my steps, she caught up. ‘Everybody is bruising in here but I want to make this work. By many counts, I shouldn’t be doing this. However... I want you. This is wrong... but I want you.’

Her eyes now rich with determination. She was right. This is wrong. This is so wrong. I couldn’t answer. I couldn't move. This wasn’t it. Yes, my heart does skip a beat for her. Yes, my body loves the warmth when I’m with her. There was so much I wanted to say but couldn’t. I bit my lower lip. Knowing that I’m at a loss and my useless tears threaten to oppose my concealing. ‘I like you...’ What did she want me to say? 'I love you.' Then the pause. The deafening pause. The scene of a ready celebration of love. This is wrong. This isn’t the way. Why? I didn’t know. I close my eyes and then crashed my lips on hers. When we were out of breath, I broke our contact. Hugging her real tightly, I whispered 'Sorry.’ Then ran away. 

When it comes down to line, when the truth demands my attention, when lies no longer work its magical charms, I run. Simply because that is who I am.