Chapter 14- Confusion’s Tears.

Give Your Heart A break- Demi Lovato

Running. The one word that placed an open ended conversation with the abrupt ending. Running, another form of avoiding. The actual motion of escaping through the pretense regarding the issue at hand as non-existence. To take it one level higher, I handed in the appeal form to the clerk. I ran my hand through my brown hair. Pushing open the glass door, feeling the light breeze brush past my face, I knew I made the wrong choice. 

‘Ooo...enticing american girl.’ I turned and face the golden locks. I wasn’t in the mood for her. Hence I carried on my journey, letting her watch my back view. ‘To think that Taengoo would have actually gone that many extra miles.’ The words did left the intended sting. I mean avoiding Taeyeon, heartlessly coming to her only when it is to my liking. Then just shutting Taeyeon up with a forbidden kiss. Who am I to repay her in such a cruel manner? Yes to think that is how I repay the kind heart of Taeyeon. ‘Thank you!’ I turned around and watch Hyoyeon happily waving at my departure. What? What was the thanks for?

Was it the smug look on her face? Or my frustrations reaching a tipping point? I sprinted to her with all of my anger, to land the hardest right I could deliver. Due to my sudden outburst, she landed on the floor. I glared at her. Anger still fuming within me. Instead of retorting or getting aggressive, she simply laughed out loud. What is up with her and her overly efficient timings of annoying me? 

‘You act so much like her. She punched me too when I told her the truth. Cried her eyes out. Uncanny how similar you two are. Resorting to violence when things aren’t going your way.’ She brush off the dirt from her knee cap as she is now eye-level. ‘If you knew what your dear Ms Kim Taeyeon truly is, would you be the same?’ Then she giggled and skipped away.

Just what is with her and her stupid ambiguous talks? I picked up a innocent rock and fling it miles short of my intended target. Argh! I stormed my way back to Pyxis. Crashing open the door, I glared at the pink book lying on my bed. Dirtying my ultimate comfort zone. Destroying the very essence of comfort. Smashing all sense of peace. Pink. It should have been maroon. That deep shade of red, that I saw the heartless you being covered with.

I took a step towards it. Was it fun? Messing around like that? Another step. Was it all enlightening when your skull of emptiness split wide open? Few more steps. Now my eyes wished it could burn you. Yes, Tiff. I’m a damn blamer. A damn runner. A condemned person meant for hell. Yet you the brilliant christian, the model student, my ray of sunshine left me in the place just before hell’s gates. You even took the liberty of placed a tiny bulb of so called hope to confuse my mind. Confusing the crap out of me. Making me fully comprehend what it means to be swimming in false hope. 

My right hand grip your spine. I wish so badly, Steph, that I had let go of you sooner. Maybe that was why I heaved a sigh of relief. Maybe I had only cried my eyes out at the thought of how cruel a human being I am. One so terrible that it took a bloody being for me to understand the real me. I was exposed hence I cried. It wasn’t cause I was upset. I didn't cry for the selfish you being gone. It was cause you, of all the people in the world, it had to be that worthless kid who was such an annoying cry baby that made me admit to being the mean one. Silent laughter rippled out of me. The scorching tears trying to escape from the evil within. Now. I smirked down at the crumpled pink cover page. Shall I continue reading your so called sad tale. Roughly, I flipped through stupidity’s pages.

3 Janurary

I just send you off. Seriously sobs Jessi. Like seriously. I'm missing you….my best bestie is now so far away. 

Anyway, I was whining to her about how you had abandoned me!! Yes you know you did, No I'm not childish. I genuinely love you so much. So maybe that was why we kind of fought. Like I guess everyone has a tipping point. She just fumed up. Then I was screaming at her at the top of my voice. To make things worse I would bet my whole fortune that the whole house heard it. Embarrassing. Talk about how to make your exchange buddy have a good impression about Americans. Don't you tsk me. 

While at least the exchange student was such a sweetie. She gave me a gummy once she politely knocked my door and gently let herself in. Unlike someone who just rams through my room. Yes I'm tsk-ing at you. Gosh would you look at my english. I swear you bring out the worst in me. Sigh Jessi. By the way to make things clear, we aren't breaking up. 

YAY!!! 

Alright, I'm a little all over the place in my train of thoughts. However…..Jessi….if I ever did lose her, I doubt I can move on. Scary isn't it. It isn't even a year but it feels like she is the one. I mean a she can't even be the one but the intensity of things is driving me insane. So Jessi. Please unknowingly guide her to be mine forever more. I trust in your scary glare to be of a bigger purpose. Sorry I haven't been writing. Love you. Love me.

Well done Stephanie Hwang. My hands clapped in admiration. This is the person that I had been exposed by. This is the person that landed me in here. A girl who is controlled by another girl. I feel so...brilliant. One more entry. I shall read one more entry. Just to solidify my status in being a dumb puppet for you.

14 Janurary

Hello there!! You are so going to kill me after reading this. The exchange student met her. Are you mad? Well I mean that you the bestie of me couldn't even know a single information about her but the chick that was known for a week gets in on the secret. I mean you aren't that petty right? You are beautiful Jessi with a big BIG heart! Alright. I'm sorry I lied about your personality. Haha. You are so going to kill me.

Maybe it was due to her accent or something…or maybe I just shock the exchange student by being so open…Either way their conversation was one that can only be described as awkward. Was I over doing anything? If you only knew then you would restrain me. You always had a way of knowing when a person is about to feel uncomfortable. However things did ran rather smoothly for a first timer kind of thing. Guess that is a good sign right? Cause if the exchange student can share a conversation with her… then I guess you two would get along fine as well. 

Then again that is if you ever get to meet her. Haha. Love you Love me.

Thanks for justifying how big of a crack head you and I are. Greatly appreciated. With that, you were thrown at the wall once more. I mean how bad could you feel? Who am I kidding. You can’t even feel. You are just someone that caused me misery! I’m yelling all sorts of curse, insults, accusations at the lifeless book in my head. It is such images that will ring the bell that lies at the back of my mind. That little bell that says I belong here. Belong in this place for all the potential nut heads. 

I crashed onto the floor. Closing my eyes, I choose to admit. Admit that I’m placed here cause I belong here. With all the initial surge of energy spent on silently yelling at you, I no longer had the energy to stop the tears from flowing. Life. Living. Death. Dying. Somehow behind the shade of my eyelids, my heart screams that they are all referring to the same thing. That the logic behind my breathing was due to me willingly letting you pull my strings. 

Opening my eyes, I see you still lying there. Making your presence known, forcing me to acknowledge my dead puppet master. I hate you...that one line on repeat. Just then, you were blocked. A face of concern reflected my wavering body. ‘Jessica shi? Are you alright? I came to apologize. I really wanted to mend things. It was just that all the emotions had exploded out....’ That mouth couldn’t stop changing its shape. A wide firing of words couldn’t stop hitting my ears.  I wanted her to shut up. As I was about to push her away, she holds me firmly. Suddenly turning my back to face her and somehow I was in a sleeper hold. What the crap?! My panic mode totally sounding off. I struggled and tried to gain some room for my escape.

However her grip was firm. I, on the other hand, was futile. Then she kisses me by force. Despite my protest, she even manage to get her slimy muscle in my mouth. During my attempt of struggle, I felt something travel down my throat. I tried to push her away, what did she make me swallow?

The shift in my body equilibrium is making my head spin. Whatever was her reason for manhandling me, I couldn’t decipher. She finally broke the kiss, and smiled sweetly at me. I was stunned. Moreover, I was panicking and begin to feel numb. I could barely hear her as her fully formed words transformed into a monotone b flat. She was speaking while I tried to keep my eyelids from shutting.  My head screamed for me to go away. To punch,slap, to do anything to get away. Yet I stayed rooted. Gathering all of my energy to remain more sane and to escape from this Yuri that I didn't know, I heard her say ‘sleep...’ And I obeyed.