My lighthouse.

Once my feet felt the common pathways, it begins to wobble. Taking those staggered steps, I headed to find a bench. Instincts told me I better take a sit. My swaying body told me I had to do things quick. The falling motion of my body to the left shows that I am one step behind again. However, instead of the cold ground, a warm body catches me with a frown. 

‘I made peace.’ I barely whispered it to her. My head light and my insides a little too exhausted. Her frown deepens as she adjusted my tired body onto her back. Unable to see her face, my eyes flutters as it slowly closes. 

The next moment when my eyes open, I saw the baby blue sky being beautifully decorated by the white fluffy clouds. ‘You should have known to call someone else. Why in the world would you be carrying her bridal style? She isn’t even some gym equipment. Gosh but she sure should eat more.’ With that, the rant ceased while my body felt a jump. I turn to face her as continued on its rampage. ‘Seriously, where are you even bringing her Yuri ah. Aish, why must you be such a muddle head?’ At that, she faced down.

Our eyes connected. Her footsteps stopped. ‘Jessica shi.’ She whispers out. By reflex, I nod my head in acknowledgement of my given name. ‘Should I put her down?’ She voices out her dilemma from within. My body naturally fidgeted, indicating to her my preference of not being carried. 

Like a soft kitten, I was gently guided down till my feet was on the ground comfortably. ‘Jessica shi, you should eat more.’ she voices out her initial concern directly at me. I only nod. Uncharacteristically, her hand want up to my face. ‘Jessica.’ Although my head floods with questions at her action, I do nothing to pull away. ‘Will you not be better by my side?’ She asks innocently. Yuri was neither fighting for affection nor was she intending to convince me to her wants. All she was stating is her belief that she is the better option for my better well being. 

I soak in the heat from her palms for a mere second then slowly let her hand fall back to her side. ‘Thank you.’ I muttered out sincerely. ‘It is only with you that I do not need to voice out all my thoughts. There is something about you. Something that makes me feel like you get me even with silence. I would like to think I get you. I will love it if you had the same affection for me too, There is something about you.’ She expresses. 

‘Something.’ she reaffirms. I look down in guilt. ‘You are something too.’ Giving her a long embrace, I whispered my apology once more. Then, turning my back and running once more. Never once did I turn back as I fear regret.

Now, I slowly took the steps towards the room door. Taking a deep breath before rotating the cold doorknob with my weak hands. The light from the window lights up the room. She sits on the floor, head leaning on my bed. A plastic bags filled with different containers of food scattered on her right. I walk over. Next, I sat beside her. These whole time, her gaze never left the ceiling. 

Taking her hand in mine, I intertwined our fingers then leaned my head against her. ‘You alright?’ she asks. I nuzzle my head and kiss the side of her neck. ‘You know, I thought last night was too much to bear and that I had lost you. Then while sitting her awaiting for your arrival, the suspense chipped away at my strength. So I kept going out to get lunch. Thinking that maybe with the right take away, I could get you back.’ She paused momentarily to lean her head on mine. 

Taking a deep breath, she continues, ‘I use to think I could deal with you being fine as my minimum. Like if you went away and you are fine with it, I could smile. Be contended cause you were happy. However, I think I have reached a point where I just selfishly want you.’ She gives my hand a little tighter grip. 

I turn and face her. ‘Steph died. Steph is here and there. She will be a pain, joy but most importantly my past love.’ With that one line, her eyes dimmed a little. ‘I am dysfunctional, lost and insane. I lost my voice. Lost my way in life. So I command you to accept this broken me. I selfishly want you.’ The twinkle in the eyes came back, her warmth radiating all of me. 

We kiss, had lunch and spend the rest of the day in the comforts of each other. As night fell, I trace the outline of her beauty with my eyes. For once, I truly believed that the road ahead was no longer an endless treadmill run. My lighthouse shines a path that is better for me.