Chapter 18: Lost.

Over You- Miranda Lambert

I sat on the bench after stomping for approximately half an hour of less. The fumes in me didn’t subside. Everything around me. Which one of them is not a lie? For all you know daddy will soon mail me a letter telling me that I’m adopted. Right. Their letters. I heaved a sigh. Maybe it would be better if I’m adopted. I mean what kind of daughter places her family’s letters inside some random shoe box she found lying in her room. Not once had I replied them. Was I really hurt that they decided to ship me here? Am I being reasonable in blaming them? Wasn’t it my own fault that I landed here? 

The choices I made. The choices that I stick to. The choices that has been inculcated into my way of living. The choices that have now transformed into a part of me. With every decision made, no matter the magnitude, there is a consequence(s). Hence, the future was made by my own hands. It was through my own will that things have become to this state. So why am I blaming them? Who am I to blame them? A tear fell on the pink cover. Just what could be so damn wrong with my brain that this is the path which I’m on? 

How many times have my tears been rolling down today? Pathetic. This being here, blaming people, this way of living...is pathetic. It is so upsetting. Everything hurts now. I can’t comprehend. I can’t understand. The silence that I’m imposed on myself. The secrecy that have imposed the darkness surrounding me. I’m being kept in the dark and this realm of darkness scares me. Being placed here...what purpose is it for? I stare up at the sky, the sky where the fluffy clouds happily floats around, where the sunlight dance with its rays spreading around, where the blue just extend to infinity. When will be infinite? Is the variety and the lifespan of problems the only thing that is infinite?

Closing my eyes, my breath left me. Yet even with that great bundle of air leaving me, I felt heavier. I open my eyes. The fluffy clouds bounced along, showing that the world revolves and nature was being very natural in its way. When will I be fluffy? My left hand reaches out and gave a futile attempt to catch the clouds. After my stubborn side has faded, the arm falls back down to my side. If heaven is way above me, If hell is way beneath my feet, then I need to try my best to look as far down as possible.

Steph. It is me. I hate you and how you have made me so damn insane. So may I miss you and then find you in the pits of doom. I hope to see you once more and light both of our body in flames. Cause this here... ... I ed my hands at the ground. Showing the my tickets to the deepest level of the fallen’s playground. Alright now. Since we got that sorted out, I know I left 4 more entries from you. So please give me some answers before we burn together once more.

I pick up the book and slowly flipped the pages. I’m trying to be calm. Trying because my hand is shaking. 

22 January

The lights along the walkways seem so bleak tonight. She was busy today. I mean I shouldn't be so demanding right? After all she needed to go spend some time with her own folks. I mean I did leave her alone for while too during the whole exchange program. However she isn't that mean to disappear. She didn't disappear. Well, at least you're coming back soon. I should be looking forward to that day. Hold on while I adjust my mood. I'm clearing my throat. Preparing my arm to be lifted up.

You are coming back soon!!  Say yeah baby!!! I'm so excited although it would be a little upsetting that the exchange student is leaving.  Ahhhh!!! Can't wait for you to be home. Overly happy. Shall write to you another time.

Next page

23 February

You're back and that should be all that matters, Even if she isn't back…you are beside me. That should be good. He taught us all to forgive and forget. Even if she was suppose to be back on the 18. Even if she said that on the 19, we would have a date and yet she didn't turn up. It is fine. Jessi, smile when you see me. Cause… I'm sorry I need to pretend it is her smiling at me.

Love me. 

So she used me. When she was beaming at me at the alighting hall gates, I was not a lucky one. I am just one of them that was used. A bitter face spread across my face. Steph, do you know how big a fool I am? Cause when I saw you smiling so brightly at me, I forgot all about the pains of an unrequited love. Steph even being away from you didn’t help. Another page.

24 February

She isn't back. I hate this. I'm right. I can't do this Jessi. Knowing that she isn't around, I just can't. There is no stomach flu but I'm consistently throwing up my food. I'm falling. I'm falling and she isn't there to catch me.

How blind was I? Right. Everything seem so much clearer now. Your so called bad bowel movement. How long have you been lying to me? How long have I been lied to? 24...I bite my lower lip. Why didn’t I see it coming? How could I not see the signs? Now isn’t the time... my last page.

29 February

The date that comes every 4 years. She came on the forth year anniversary of mummy’s introduction to his Kingdom too. Magical, isn't it? Jessi I love mummy. I know you know that. Even though you were eyeing everyone that entered her funeral and not even shedding a single sign of remorse, I know you love her too. She was sweet wasn’t she? I think I miss her too much. 

Daddy always says I’m most like mummy. I wonder if that is a good thing? We both love whole heartedly. Hence Jessie I gave her all I could. Pour my heart into this deadly apple of my eye. I gave everything and now she is gone. She left. Funny fact, she didn’t leave. She just isn’t here. 

I finally see the wall that I’ve been running towards all this while. I don’t get this. How did everything crumble down? How did my fantasy in reality become a simple fantasy.  This hurts. It is only day 5 and I’m a wreck. Daddy is worried. Leo is giving me the weird look. Michelle is hovering. It is like it is all bad again. 

Find a better person. Because dear, cupid shot the wrong arrows for you and me. Love you but don’t love me.

Don’t love you? Don’t love you? My finger kept on going over the last line. What does it mean? How can I stop? How? Steph how much is known about you? How much do I know about you?  I face the sky. Steph. Just what was this post to mean? What do you mean by she isn’t here? She broke up with you? Then which part of that was magical? It was a standard break up...right? Wasn’t it? What do mean she isn’t here? Why would she be beside you when you two broke up?

I’m done Steph. I’m done and I don’t get anything. What was I suppose to understand? You, Steph could be suffering from some psychological issues. You, Steph should be here? Steph, after reading this, I feel like I don’t even know you. I look back down at the ugly pink cover. Steph...are you telling me that she died? Are you telling me that cause she wasn’t around, you died figuratively then literally? I heaved a sigh. 

Lost. Lost in the bloody land that you thought I would understand. Lost. I closed my eyes and just tried to piece everything together once more... Fu*k it. She said she will fill in the gaps. I then stormed off. Back towards her. Unknown to me, a shiver went down my spine. 

The door flung against the wall again. She didn’t jump or show any signs of being startled. Simply, the chair that she resides on swirled so that now her eyes faced mine. I threw the book straight towards her. She stood up, took the required steps then bend down and pick it up. ‘I’m sorry.’ There were a void of emotions in her words. Plus was she apologising to me or the book? 

‘Sit Sica.’ Her face now facing me. The look in her eyes...why are they sad? My anger slowly begin to fade away and to be replaced by concern. Once I sat, she rolled my chair to be directly opposite me. Watching her, I felt so stifled. Like this is bad. This is going bad. Then again, it is bad. ‘Yes I knew Stephanie shi.’ My fist instantly clenched into a ball. I was ready to fling one at her right eye socket. ‘She was sweet. A brilliant person. I was so happy to meet her. I was lucky to have her as my exchange program partner. It just made America all the more friendly.’ So she was the kid that was from the exchange program. In other words, she met Steph’s girlfriend! 

‘Yes I met the person that she love. She was sweet, caring, loving. She was really great. The only problem is that Tiffany never existed.’ My eyes widen in shock. ‘She was never there. The person that she love wasn’t real. The way Stephanie described her was amazing. I couldn’t. I just couldn’t bring myself to crash her illusion. So I played along with her. I talked and formed my own conversations to be part of her perfection.’ She wasn’t real? Steph was hallucinating? What? The breaths taken shorter. My heart pacing. 

Hold on. ‘Tiffany?’ Taeyeon nods her head. ‘That was what she would call the one that she love. I suppose that was the name she gave her.’ I look away. Disgusted at how things has become a full circle. ‘Sica?’ This is unacceptable. The way life plays tricks on our little minds. ‘Sica you look really pale. Are you alright?’ Of course I’m pale. Do you not see how vile life is? 

Taeyeon frames my face with her hands. ‘Sica...’ I swatted her hands away. This whole mess...is so sickening. ‘Then how did Steph...’ She bit her lower lip. ‘Hyoyeon told her.’ What? Since when did the nut head from here come into the picture? ‘Hyoyeon thought that she was going to steal me away. So she told her.’ Her head drop down. ‘Hyoyeon is my half sister.’ What? How many bombs am I suppose to withstand in a day? Screw this. My mind is about to blow and she isn’t helping. this. Yes Steph you died. Life was harsh. However you made mine a tornado that meets a volcano and is about to trash all of me. 

I stood up. ‘Sica.’ I glared at her apologetic eyes. ‘I’m sorry.’ I could see the tears forming in her eyes. I could sense the sincerity in her words. I wish I was too. She then held my hand. ‘Sica...’ What was she trying to say? What were the words to fill the gap between us? ‘Speak to me.’ 

At that the tears that was forced to remain in me came streaming out. ‘I love her so much.’ Her grip on my hand tightened. ‘Yet she lost to a game of bad charades. There must have been signs. Was she too dense to acknowledge them. I, on the other hand, am too dense to live my own life. They say with time, all wounds heal. However I love her too much. Hence... ...’ I felt the tension through the grip on my shaking shoulders. Feeling the buckets of sadness that has finally overspilled. ‘there is no need for words Taeyeon. Cause no matter what, no matter how much I plead, it wouldn’t bring her back. No matter what I say now, I’lll never get the chance to tell her I love her. No matter what I speak of now, I’ll never get over her.’

Taeyeon then stands. Kisses my eyelids, gave them a little to try and take away my pain. Next, she hugs me. my hair as she say, ‘Words can’t change the past. Words can’t make a tragic event better. Words can’t bring her back. Nothing you say will change the consequences of yesterday. However I will always be here to listen to you speak. Because your words are important to me.’ 

She let me cry on her shoulder. When I’ve finally calm down, I gently peeled away from her embrace. Staring at her, now I get what Steph meant in her last sentence. ‘Don’t love me.’ I kissed her cheek and walked towards my exit. Taeyeon didn’t stand, didn’t speak, she just watched me shut the door on her. 

Author's note:

Hey all, this fic plans to end in another 2~3 chapters. I'll try my best to polish what I have written. Hopefully, things wouldn't be as terrible as it seems. A co-author for this fic is still wanted. If a co-author comes around then there will be changes to the plan. Anyway, comments are appreciated. Subscribers are loves. Readers are welcomed. Thanks to all that stop by. May you all have a great day.

j.