Chapter 19: Tangled Up 

I Will Be- Avril Lavigne 

We were sitting by the small coffee table. The table decorated by the ugly math related textbooks and worksheets that were suppose to help us pass the upcoming exam. I emphasis the words of suppose to. The numbers, the signs, the missing blanks left for me to fill, they are mocking me. My face begins to deform due to the annoyance of my maths problem being mysterious. Ah! My head fell straight onto the table. ‘Steph. Maths is proving to my mortal enemy.’ I heard your light hearted chuckle. ‘Oh come on Jessi. It will get better right?’ 

Disappointingly, my head rise up slowly. ‘So you say.’ I peered over at her worksheet. It is blank. I feel so cheated right now. Yes she felt guilty too as she smiles apologetically at me. ‘You aren’t suppose to say that if you don’t know the speed of Tiffany bicycle.’ She laughs once more. ‘Am I that funny?’ She instantly stops her giggles and smiles happily at me. I just glare at her.

‘You know. I was suppose to be called Tiffany Hwang.’ What? My head tilted to one side in puzzlement. ‘Mummy said that she lost the coin toss that is why I’m called Stephanie Hwang. Mummy always said if I was named Tiffany, I’ll be a greater lady that loves.’ It was my turn to burst out in laughter. ‘Hey~.’ She whined at my inappropriate response. 

That was when we were twelve. It was the first time I saw Aunty’s price possession hanging on the wall. A signed Johnny Cash Clock. Did you not moan for her loss correctly? Did you not go through the same process as we all did? Did you never say goodbye?These are the few of the questions that you have laid out at my feet. What in the world is this?

All the pain, the tears I cried, I’ll admit it. I too never really backed my farewells to you with any meaning. Am I the mirror of you? Am I going to see a projected you. A you that I could poke but to reality I am a patient? 

I could have been all that you want. All my life, I would have stayed by you. Was I not enough? Why? Why, Steph. You were all I need. Yet on the flipped side, you would rather choose a hallucination then give me the chance to make everything alright. 

If there is a lesson in every stage of life, then I humbly ask what lesson was I to take away from this? I shut my eyes. Was I suppose to learn that no matter how much we appear to be a lady, our mentality in front of love and desperation is no greater than a six?

I’m asking for answers. I’m seeking help from the dead and shutting myself away from the living. Just what kind of logic am I on? In despair at my stupidity, I ruffled up my own hair. This here is an act of anguish. Argh!

‘Bull’s eye. The redness of a crying baby’s eye.’ The tone of exuberant joy hit my ear. I didn’t bother looking at her. Without asking, I felt Hyoyeon sat beside me. Then, her filthy hand gently my back. Ignoring her was my selected response. I had no energy left to be messed around.  What did she want? Didn’t she have her fun earlier? Is my misery her joy? Right. I glance up at her wide grin. My misery is her joy. The question is how I could even doubt that little fact. 

Hold on. I turn to face her. She is the b*tch! Immediately, I stood up. ‘Ooo. You know!’ She claps ecstatically. What is her problem? My fist clench up. ‘Ah.’ Her grin widens. The sparkle in her eye brightens. ‘Going to hit me again?’ Yea. Hell yea! I’m going to beat the crap out of her. I nod my head at her and pulled back my right hand.

‘Hit me.’ Somehow that agreement to my act made me froze. ‘Hit me. Blame me for your weakness. Don’t forget that everything was in your hand but you let it all go.’ My hand fell down. She burst in laughter once more. ‘I am no sugar coated mummy.’ She put on a fake sad face. ‘I’m here.’ Her expression changed to one with a deadly stare. ‘To make sure you never forget who is the evil one here.’ 

Then she walks away. The body was stunned, the mind a blank. I stood there as the little tremors in my hands shakes with recognition of her words. 

‘JESSICA SHI!’ I heard my name but I couldn’t move. It is now raining heavily. However the water droplets crashing down on me couldn’t even match the magnitude at which reality smashed my heart.  

Suddenly, like a special halo placed above me, the rain stops. My eyes could still recognize that the rain did not stop. ‘Jessica shi. Are you alright? Why are you standing in the rain. You can be ill from such things. If you have the flu, I trust you that Sunny would go nuts. Despite her strong dislike for the cold, the common influenza virus likes her a lot.’ I know that based on the past event, I should be running. I should be. I should be doing many things. I should have done many things.

‘Speaking about the flu, I’m sorry about giving you medicine that you didn’t need. I just wanted you to catch a break. I’m really really sorry. I have come to understand how bad my actions were. So would you forgive me?’ The water droplets falls off my hair onto my wet shoulders. Even under shelter, the water droplets slides down my body to the ground. What difference is there between the I who is under this protective shield from the downpour and experiencing the rain directly?

A hand disturbs swinging in front of my face blocks the clear view of my subject of analysis. When I didn’t respond, a full body came to obstruct. I blankly look up at her. Hey what you know, she is silent. She has shut up. Did it mean that she was not thinking? Is this a breakthrough on her part? She isn’t talking. My left forefinger took the job of my worthless right and poked at her closed lips. 

Instead of shifting away, she stayed still. Now, my finger was lightly pressing against her lips. My eyes were focused on the new subject of confusion. Poking at it once more, I then retracted my finger. My eyes drifted to the damp floor. 

‘There is nothing that I could say to you. There is nothing that I wouldn’t do for you. I know I let you down. But I’m getting myself together. I’m going to get better. I’m going to be a better person. I want you. I love you.’ I blink once at her confession. What charms did I have to find people saying they love me? Yet I’m also the same one that couldn’t even pull out the necessary amount of strength to help the one I love. 

She meant so much to me. Even after all the tears I cried, she can only speak to me form the past or through her scribbles on a book. ‘Jessica shi. Would you allow me to love you?’ Her question is so inappropriate. How could she not see that I’m honestly an evil person. How could she not sense that I’m just one of those murderer that got away free? I shake my head. Sweet child, here doesn’t know that what she sees is an illusion too. There is nothing here to love, have or need. This here is an empty shell. 

‘I’ll be better.’ She speaks with such conviction but she is here in this hell hole. This is ironic. ‘Come on, we will go get the pills from Yoong. She always have spare pills on her wall.’ The tremors stop the moment I let her take my hand. ‘Azalea. Azalea. Need to turn left at the stone wall to go to Azalea.’ She speaks as we headed to Azalea. My eyes looks at her constantly moving mouth. This is Yuri. Welcome back Yul.