Chapter 24 : High & Low

She swat away the index finger tracing her face. ‘I don’t love you.’ she states. Her frustration and anger that had been reflected in her eyes made me giggled a little. The giggle slowly transformed into a full roar of a laughing fit. This is hilarious. I am that capable of embracing my insanity. Wiping away the splatter of saliva from the corner of my mouth, I wondered for that brief moment why didn’t I just take it in?

‘Not in the romantic way silly.’ I said after the outburst had simmered down. I twirled once. A quick 360 view while my head spins like the never ending top. I was on overdrive. An adrenaline rush. I could even complete the whole standard marathon and still be breathing happily at the finish line. 

Throughout my sweet taste of high, Yoong plainly stares indifferently at my ways. I wanted to soar. To fly and roam with this facade of greatness within me. Oh life is damn. I am the condamned. Even if all this happiness is a lie, let me be an ignorant fool. I squatted down. 

Reality is cruel. Facts are overly straightforward. Honesty honestly hurts. Life is killing me. Living is ironic. Each breath I take is only choking me. These tears that are pouring down now are only indications of my high levels of uselessness. I am spiraling. Falling from such great heights, is terrifying. Yoong somehow is squatting in front of me. Just looking directly at me. ‘Yoong. I’m scared.’ I said while locking with her strong gaze. 

She does nothing. All she does is stare at me. I close my eyes and let the whole ing dam be broken. My spirits, hopes and wishes now deemed as gone flows together with the  pathetic tears. She lets me be for a little while more. Then, she picks me up gently. Slowly setting me right as she piggy backs me.

Leaning on her shoulder, I continue to cry. We reached Pyrix. She kicks the door open. Ignores Taeyeon’s voice and brought me to my bed. Once on it, I simply turn on my side. Facing the mockery of the white wall. I closed my eyes and continue on having my breakdown. I am defeated. 

I could hear Teayeon demanding for an explanation, hear her voice echo with concern. The type of concern for me that was evidently missing the past few days. Then came her arguing with Yoong about something. Whatever it is, I smiled at it. I’m so ing insane that I’m finding pure bliss in this. 

Shutting my eyes as the uncontrollable tears tells me repetitively that I’m a fool. I have arrived at the forsaken low. Maybe this is hell on earth. I don’t know. It was like there was no longer anymore noise. However my heart was still beating like a mad dog set loose. My blood flowing intensively around my body. I wanted to scream but am fully aware that nothing will be vocalized. 

As time rolled on, nothing seem to have occurred. No longer were there tears. Everything seemed to have become stale. The room’s air circulated. My body remains in the realm of those considered alive. My insides feels numb. It was like I had diffused into the background. If a painter was to come, I would be in the same category as the cold vase over there that holds no blooming flowers.

In time, all I am doing is looking at the opposing wall. In a weird way, my logic seems to be running with the idea that if I didn’t blink, the wall will have scribbles of an answer or anything that will make me better. Frankly, I have no idea what or why I am doing what I’m doing. I may have a mind but that is all. To attain something will never directly imply that I have control over it. If landing on the hard ground is tough then I must add that knowing you are falling onto the rough pricks of the ground is extremely upsetting. I curled up a litte more. 

Suddenly, the bed shifts in weight. I did not bothered to turn around. My bet was on my insanity taking me for another round on the cruel carousel. A hand clumsily fidgets its way to be in between my stiff body and the mattress. The other arm wraps around me by the waist. Joining as one around my unresponsive body. Then it shifts slightly up as a chin rests ever so softly on the crown of my head. A little cough to clear whoever’s throat echos.

I know I should be taking caution against a love this unsteady

But Ms, you had already made me this impossible. 

I want something out of this nothing. 

Being selfish in this, I want to puff out my chest to say you are mine. 

So hush little dear, I may not have your heart

However I could never bear to see you this unsettled.

Hello there ms, I am here now. 

Life had indeed rolled on with the hands of time.

Hello there ms, would you smile?

I know things were harsh and reality was far too thoughtless

Ms, it is alright to let loose

I simply want to be there in your high and lows 

As it is you Ms, that is an irreplaceable dear to me.

Sorry sweetheart, all I have is this undying heart.

I can’t fend all darkness but I will never stray away.

This something shall be mere nothing

Being your fool, let us play pretend that my hugs is all it takes

So hush little dear, just lie in my embrace

As I could never bear to see you alone on such a gloomy night

There there ms, I am here now. 

Life had indeed rolled on with the hands of time.

Hello there ms, would you smile?

I know things were harsh and reality was far too thoughtless

Ms, it is alright to let loose

I simply want to be there in your high and lows 

As it is you Ms, that is an irreplaceable dear to me.

Words are only part of a language.

Knowledge can only serve so much in application 

This voice singing comes from a little package

That truly loves and is always concern

There there ms, I am here now. 

Life had indeed rolled on with the hands of time.

Hello there ms, would you smile?

I know things were harsh and reality was far too thoughtless

Ms, it is alright to let loose

I simply want to be there in your high and lows 

As it is you Ms, that is an irreplaceable dear to me.

She ends. Bringing me further into her comfort. It was not an illusion. I shut my eyes and soak in this returned warmth. I am a ship that has caught sight of the faint beam of her lighthouse.