Chapter 17: Breaking Point

Exhausted- Foo Fighters

‘Here to stir more trouble? Enticing.’ I turned to face her.  ‘Oh please don’t let me stop you.  Carry on. I’m just here for the exciting future.’ My fist clenched in a tight ball. ‘Why? Smile a little. You always frown at me. That look isn’t cute dear.’ Hyoyeon's head tilted down, giggled for a brief second when she saw my hardened fist. ‘Violence to fill up the silent void. I so~ wish that I had met you sooner.’ 

My eyes could only fill with rage. Why does she always bring out the demon in me? It is like she is destined to screw me up badly with every encounter. ‘Darling. Weren’t you going in?’ Her eyes twinkled with anticipation and excitement. Whatever. Argh! Anyway what good can I do even if I saw her. So what if I did face her? Do I even know what to say to her? The answer is no. I turned to glare at Hyoyeon then turned to walk away, I pointed the tallest finger at her. ‘I always like Steph’s fingers,' she chuckled loudly.

What did she meant by that? I ran and grabbed her by the collar. Still, she was rolling with laughter. ‘Oh come on. Did you wish her destination to be you?’ My eyes stared her down. ‘You really did?’ While laughing, her saliva lightly drizzled at my face. Roughly, I pushed her laughing body away. Even though she landed with thud, her stupid mouth still spewing out mockery’s laughter. ‘Jessica Jung Sooyeon. You, my darling, are the best joke there is. I’m so glad you are here!’ I so want to kill her. I so want to stab her. I so want to knife her and fling her out of the tallest building. My breathing becomes heavier with every molecule in my body raging with anger. Then, came the tears of frustration. Her laughter simply grew in its volume. 

‘I love your insanity moments. I love it!’ Out of nowhere, a shadow passed by me and laid a punch on her. ‘Get out of here.’ Her eyes must have been icy. Cold enough to put a full stop to the mental’s laughter. Hyoyeon's face hardened and match the seriousness of her attacker. ‘Don’t block the good show.’ I couldn’t see her look of response and she didn’t say a word. It was like the two of them were having a showdown with their eyes while I played the role of the crying idiot. ‘Don’t carve your issues onto Yul.’ Another few moments of silence rolled along. I looked at her back view. Unable to understand, unable to comprehend what was the implication of their exchanging glances.  

‘We all have issues. I’m forcing all you fools to embrace them.’ I saw her smugly the side of her lips. It was like, she had won their battle. Who is she? What goes on in her brain? Just what kind of current flows through her body? Are they black? Is there even a heart in there? Suddenly she stood up, shifted her body to the left, to look me straight in the eye with the same messed up smile on her face. ‘I’m still in support of your stupidity darling.’ Next she skipped off. Happily whistling a tune as she became that bad encounter.

Meanwhile, I’m still tearing. In fact, I’m now trembling. 

She didn’t turn around, only heaved a great sigh. Sighing once more while her left hand brushed through her luscious locks. ‘Go find your girl. Tell her to fix Hyo up. Tell her that Yul is better.’ She turned around. Our teary eyes meeting with each other. Our hurt reflected in each other’s eyes. There is pain. ‘Ms Jessica Jung. Make me choose once more. Impose your presence in my life once more. Then it wouldn’t be anyone else making your life a living hell.’ Fiercely, Sooyoung walks in front of me. Squats right in front of my face, showing me the seriousness of her last statement. ‘Cause you will be in hell.’ 

With then leaving me on the ground, she stormed off. At that time, I could only cuddle my legs together. Rocking my body, all I could think is that I can’t take this. I can’t understand anything. Every move I make. Every step I take. I’m being burned. Exploding into bits, messing up everyone around. Just what is my purpose? Just where does this path lead to? Just what is this! My eyes shut tighter as the frustration makes tears flow at a greater intensity. 

Streams of  tears burning a path down my face. Funny how pure water has lead this pathetic child to feel the fury of hell's gate. Out of a sudden, I felt a pair of arms on my shoulder. ‘Jessica!’ Joke. Thanks for being that keen into adding me into the mental list. Really appreciate it. ‘Jessica, look at me.’ It can’t be. My head lifted up. Hoping... ...I have no idea what I’m hoping for. However, my eyes met her’s. The warm black. The oxymoron pair that always made me a moron. 

‘I’ve been finding the whole place for you.’ My mouth felt dry. My right hand trembled as it surged forward slowly. She just smiled and looked at me with a playful look. ‘What are you doing?’ Then she giggled a little. My hand touched her forearm. It was solid. Giving it another squeeze, it still didn’t disappear. She gave me light tap on the hand that connects me to... ...her. ‘Are you alright?’ My hand fell to my side. My eyes staring hard at her. Refusing to even blink for a second.

This Stephanie in front of me. Solid and real. She has legs which she stood on now. I’m going insane. I’m purely down for the count. I’ve officially gone too far. Stephanie is there. ‘You.’ My voice timid and soft. Please respond. ‘Yea?’ Her hair wavy brown. Her smile of happiness. Is she really here? ‘Am I alive?’ I croaked that question out. In my heart, I rather believed I had cried myself to death than she being a fragmentation of my insane reality. 

‘Of course you are.’ The look she gives. The look of are you joking. The look I miss. ‘I love you.’ She beamed down at me. Followed by, helping me up back on my feet. ‘You...’ I heard her sigh. She then proceed on with dusting away the scrap of dirt on my knee, she continues. Her hand. The pressure that is exerted on them. I feel it. ‘Hug.’ Her eyebrows furrow together. Still she obliged and there I was. I’m in the most familiar ground. The sweetest warmth. The little home that I knew, miss and ultimately love. ‘Come back.’ Tears were now streaming down. 

No words were exchanged. She just let me be in her warmth. Please, somebody, anybody, let her be here. ‘Sica...’ No not that one. I don’t want that. Somebody. Somebody, change it back. No. Please no. Don’t take away when she is in my grasp again. My eyes shut tighter. I don’t want to see the reality. I don’t want to know that I did indeed belong here. I don’t want this. Please. Please. Please.

‘Sica...please.’ Don’t. Don’t ask me to see you. Not when your features has changed to the truth. I want the beautiful lie. I want her back. My whole body was shaking. Her grip tightened around my waist. No that is the wrong height. Steph knows the exact height to hug. She shouldn’t be lower. I can’t take it. I don’t want to know it. Stop. I’m warning you. Brain stop pointing out all the flaws in the earlier image. Stop pin pointing that my logic had failed me. 

I screamed. The loudest I could ever do. I just scream. Hoping that my voice could chase away the good, the bad, the ugly. Just let my voice blow away everything but you, Steph! ‘Sica please. It is fine. You are fine.’ I could feel her fighting against me but she shouldn’t. With one final scream, I pushed her away. A few centimeters apart, our eyes locked. Seeing her face. Seeing the face that isn’t yours. My frustrations, disappointments, sadness, anger... all these emotions that reminds me of the truth. 

‘I hate you.’ 

We let the sentence linger, let the spite and hurt roam around. I’m panting. My eyes at the brink of just falling out. She doesn’t move. Her expression doesn’t even change. She just blatantly looks back at me.

‘Alright.’ 

What? She takes a step towards me.

‘Hate me.’ 

Another step, she was once more directly in front of me. She pulls me into her embrace despite my protest. Not before long, I stopped. What was she trying to achieve? Just who is she? ‘Who are you?’ She pats my back twice. ‘Somebody that shouldn’t have love you but do.’ Then, she held me at arm’s length. Her thumb lightly brush away the tainted area below my eyes. Her eyes still had a warmth but her body showed resignation to fate. She smiles weakly. Something felt amiss the way she says she shouldn't love me. My eyes questioned her further.

We said nothing as she guided me by her hand in mine back to Pyrix. The door closed. She took a seat on my bed. I refused to go anywhere near her. My eyes glared at her, demanding for me to know the truth about her. Instead, she picks up the pink book that I left on the side of my bed. ‘How far have you read till?’ My throat was dry. It was such a simple question. This is the second time that she had picked it up yet the effects were still the same. I rushed over and grabbed it away from her. Looking at the lifeless you, it felt weird. 

Next, she held me by the hand and pulled me down to sit next to her. ‘Read till the end. The answer is at the back. I’ll fill in the gap when you are ready. I promise.’ Promise...who is she to promise anything? What can she so damn guarantee? My anger once again surged through my body. Hold on. My eyes widen in recognition. What does she mean by she will fill in the gaps for you about you? I look at Taeyeon then back at the dirty pink cover. 

‘You knew her?’ It was her turn to have that look of surprise. ‘What?’ What what. What! What is going on? Her flustered face. That look she is expressing symbolises nothing but someone who had caught in a lie. ‘YOU KNEW HER!’ I stood up in bewilderment. Screw reading this till the end. I need answers now. N.O.W. NOW! ‘I...’ Why was she stammering? ‘I...’ Why is she not explaining anything. Forget it. I can’t deal with this new mind blowing information. ‘Sooyoung ask you to watch over Hyoyeon. Says that Yuri is kept safe. And I’ll say this.’ I stare at her, finders gripping the book overly tightly. ‘If it was you, I’ll kill you.’ Then I went out the door. My first long sentence used as a threat. A threat that I meant with all my heart. If Steph isnt here because of her, be it for whatever reason, she will be joining the underworld.