September 27 2011

Hey there...it feels awkward writing in it when I know that you will be reading this one day. Someday. However I believe that you would need to know. Cause I expect myself to be gone with a big bang. Well I always like the spectacular. Like pink, I’m attention grabbing and as hot as can be. Haha. You shall not be rolling your eyes at me writing, Ms Jessica Jung. Anyway main point of penning this book meant for you someday. I am here to talk to you about this girl. This girl that hit me suddenly. You know I was as straight as can be but somehow I am falling. I repeat falling for a girl. Shocking isn’t it? Who knew that we’ll be playing for the same team. Oh bet you are wondering how I knew you are on this side of the field. Aren’t you? But too bad I’m exhausted and deciding to be childish. So I’ll stop here for today. You know I love you. I know you love me too.

September 29 2011

Hello... seems like this is going to be the standard way of starting each post since I’m not flowing with creativity. So as I was saying, You. You, my dear, is playing for that team. Don’t get me wrong, it isn’t something bad. I accept and love you for all that you are, even if you do go against the common belief. Oh I figured it out that day when you were drunk. We kind of...well it was unavoidable I presume...but anyway we kiss. Woohoo. Hahaha. Alright maybe it isn’t funny. I didn’t want to mention it to you since God selected you to forget about it through your hangover. 

Don’t be angry. I’m not stupid but thoughtful. You shouldn’t be scolding your bestfriend that way. Tsk tsk. Anyway about that girl. I met her in Julia’s classes. You know the one where they teach me how to play a flute. The only class that you refuse to go with me. (Evil glare here Haha) Anyway she was slightly smaller than me. Her hair brown and a little bit longer than yours. She was adorable. Pretty too. She would smile and then I would forget the existence of everything. It was like I knew her. I knew her...anyway I’m ending it here. I love you. 

October 3 2011

Hello...the past few days were a blast wasn’t it? Alright maybe it wasn’t for you. I mean it was halloween and all you could think of was putting a sheet over you. Seriously Jessi, your halloween dress up skills are as great as Leo when he was five. Yes I may not have a proper recalling of my brother when I was three but the photos. OH MY GOSH the photos. They had me rolling on the floor. Alright back to the more serious stuff, today we went out. Of course people were staring. I mean the hotness was being all giggly in front of some other short girl. I am hotness by the way. Yes you do agree.People were staring like eyeball directly at us..I mean is there not a more discreet manner of doing things? I mean some of them would literally have their eyeballs bulging out of their sockets. Rude aren’t they? 

However something major occurred. We had a moment. You know the moment...the look between each other. It was strong. Like we are meant to be. She did tilt her head in but you see I chickened out at the last minute. We then tried to play it of as if nothing had happened. Typical wouldn’t you say. Jessi, you know I wonder why I’m sitting at my desk scribbling to you when I could just pick up the phone and babble it all out. I know you wouldn’t judge me. I definitely know you would still love me for who I am. However something is making me shut up. Making my tongue useless whenever I want to spill it all out to you. What does that mean I wondered? Either way, I’ve decided to reveal to you my journey only after my passing whenever that may be. That is all for today. Daddy made meatballs with baked potato. You know you wish you were me. Haha. Alrights. Love you. Bet you are missing me! Haha. 

October 12 2011

Hello Jessi...it is I ,the great ,writing to you. No I’m not drunk. I have a good tolerance in alcohol. Today, well today was off. Did you notice anything? Bet you didn’t. Well I am on the road to becoming a famous broadway superstar or maybe a singer. Either one. Yes I am that sure of my dreams Jessi. You should start searching for yours. Look at me getting side track again. Tsk tsk. Back to the main point. Yesterday, we went out. We, as in me and the girl in my heart. Are you wondering why I’m not mentioning her name? Cause it will be more interesting if somethings are still a mystery. I don’t want to be an open book. Even if you are opening a book now. Get it? Hahaha. I am glaring at you to laugh Missy. Glaring~ah eye is getting dry. 

Anyway. Yesterday we went out.  Everyone was looking. Everyone. And for a split second I felt awkward. Like really uncomfortable. Maybe my body tensed up. Maybe my expression changed. I don’t know but somehow she knew. So instead of holding on to my hand, she let go. Her face a little upset. When I had apologize, she just smile back at me. I felt so bad towards her. However when she smiled, really, to me, nothing mattered. She was pretty. Really pretty Jessi. Like she had could light up any dark corners in me. So I told her that she should smile more. Somehow my compliment made her the most adorable blushing rabbit. 

She seriously makes me happy. However knowing that I had upset her as well, the feelings inside was complicated. Say...does love bring happiness or sadness? Regrets or beautiful memory? Is this why you choose to be so one dimensional? So clear cut that your world is only black or white? All the grey areas confuses me. Why did love become a shade of grey instead of pink? Why color the heart red when it is the cause of all the grey and complicated parts? Do you know Jessi? In your world of only honesty, what is love Jessi? What is love? I am stopping here cause I refuse to have another round. Yes I am writing to you on the way home from Joe’s. The taxi is shaky thus I’m going to stop. Love you. Love me too. 

October 20 2011

Hello there Jessi. Are you worried? Were you worried? Then again by the time you see this, will you be indifferent towards me? So many questions about the unknown future. Anyway if you were wondering, I’m alright. Still a little bruised but fine. 

Today, I really had the urge to talk to you about her. Today in fact you seemed so bothered by something. Usually I would be pressuring you to say it all out. However today, I sat there fidgeting and going on and on about some nonsensical topic. I felt bad...like who am I to dig things out of you when I can’t even tell you about her.

But! My true nature gave way and I pressed you till I got the answer. You were worrying about Krys’s new school. I always knew that you cared for her. Beneath that hard exterior you are actually nothing but jelly for Krys. I wished I had a younger sister too. Someone that I could have a hand in looking after. Instead of always being looked after. Instead of always being doubted since I’m the youngest. I wonder if you understand what I’m trying to convey here. 

Anyway Jessi like us, she has siblings too. I talked to her about the benefits of being the oldest. She pointed out the pros of being the youngest. When I asked her what she was, she simply smiled and said I can be regarded as both. Of course I got a little piss. I mean why is she keeping such a trivial thing a secret from me? She didn’t say anything about it at the end of the day. She said that if I had known everything about her then I would be bored of her. 

She kissed me on the palm before walking off. As I watch her leave, I wondered am I really what she says I am to be? I mean Jessi I know all about you but I was never bored of you. Honest. So say, Jessi is this her lack of trust in me? Or a lack of trust in people? I wonder Jessi do I really know her? 

It is times like this that I wish you would have met her. Then you would be able to tell me. Still something is holding me back. Sorry Jessi for keeping her a secret from you. Love you. Love me.

30 October

Hey there. It is me again. I mean who else can it be right? I fought with daddy today. I suppose I could be calling you or her. However I choose to write it here instead. This has become addictive. Writing in secrecy, pretending that you are there listening to me in real time. Sometimes I wonder why people want to be heard loud and clear. I mean I have such a booming voice that maybe I’ll never fully appreciate the beauty of being loud. 

Back to the main point. Daddy thinks I’m going out too often. I mean of course I am. I’m like someone’s girl now. Plus he just had to drag in the fact about how I was being not realistic about my ambition in life and all. That being an entertainer is just a high class national clown. I mean seriously. Seriously! I so do have an ambition. I’m going to be famous and be experiencing the most romantic kind of love! This is who I shall and WILL be. I’m sure of it.

16 November

Hey there. Today we went on a date! Everything seemed to be oh so nice. The food was good. Plus we were talking. Conversing with her making me laugh and smile. Like the awesome person she has always been, she sent me to my stop. If you are wondering why not to my door stop or somewhere nearer, it is because she is my secret. Ssshh. 

The place were calm and the band playing was great. Feel like asking them to let me join in their coolness. Wishful thinking? According to her, I would totally boost them. Anyway she was on the phone with me the whole walk home. According to her US’s crime rate is not one to go against. Although I must say I prefer to hear the words of ‘cause I wish you to always be my baby’. Cheesy, I know. But oh so romantic don’t you think so?

Just wrote to boast to you. I know you still love me. Love you!! Hearts!!

21 November

Hey hey hey. I am so excited for the exchange program we are going to have in school.  Hopefully I’ll get selected as the buddy of whoever. Yes yes, you know of my excitement. Still you should be more happy about it like me. Instead of that indifferent idiot. SMILE JESSI. 

Just so you know I’m using my fingers to make you smile. Smile smile.

Fine don’t smile. Evil. I shall glare at you by glaring at the paper for awhile.

Since you aren’t smiling as I wish, I shall be mean. I hope you do not get selected to go over. By the way what do you mean by you need to sort things out and spend some time away from familiarity. That is such a lousy excuse Ms Jung. I’m eyeing you. 

Anyway the main point was not to write to you about something that you already know. So today I met up with her. A nice date again. Like the one I had boasted to you about. Everything seemed to be normal but I can’t help feeling like I’m missing something. Like something is missing. Like I don’t know. Oh wells. Maybe it was because of the exchange program housing thing. Do you think a person would get jealous about that? I mean I am a faithful person. She did seem happy that I was helping out in school. 

Plus she wasn’t a local. As in she wasn’t born here or spend majority of her childhood here. So I guess she would understand why I am doing this right? I mean...she should right? Did I cross the line? Oh man this . Keeping us a secret and hence not having your stupid honest remarks. Can’t believe that I actually want to hear that.

Am I thinking too much? Well I mean a little jealousy in a relationship is also good right? Or I would like to think so. Oh wells. Shall keep things posted to you through here. Love me!!!

3 Janurary

I just send you off. Seriously sobs Jessi. Like seriously. I'm missing you….my best bestie is now so far away. 

Anyway, I was whining to her about how you had abandoned me!! Yes you know you did, No I'm not childish. I genuinely love you so much. So maybe that was why we kind of fought. Like I guess everyone has a tipping point. She just fumed up. Then I was screaming at her at the top of my voice. To make things worse I would bet my whole fortune that the whole house heard it. Embarrassing. Talk about how to make your exchange buddy have a good impression about Americans. Don't you tsk me. 

While at least the exchange student was such a sweetie. She gave me a gummy once she politely knocked my door and gently let herself in. Unlike someone who just rams through my room. Yes I'm tsk-ing at you. Gosh would you look at my english. I swear you bring out the worst in me. Sigh Jessi. By the way to make things clear, we aren't breaking up. 

YAY!!! 

Alright, I'm a little all over the place in my train of thoughts. However…..Jessi….if I ever did lose her, I doubt I can move on. Scary isn't it. It isn't even a year but it feels like she is the one. I mean a she can't even be the one but the intensity of things is driving me insane. So Jessi. Please unknowingly guide her to be mine forever more. I trust in your scary glare to be of a bigger purpose. Sorry I haven't been writing. Love you. Love me.

14 Janurary

Hello there!! You are so going to kill me after reading this. The exchange student met her. Are you mad? Well I mean that you the bestie of me couldn't even know a single information about her but the chick that was known for a week gets in on the secret. I mean you aren't that petty right? You are beautiful Jessi with a big BIG heart! Alright. I'm sorry I lied about your personality. Haha. You are so going to kill me.

Maybe it was due to her accent or something…or maybe I just shock the exchange student by being so open…Either way their conversation was one that can only be described as awkward. Was I over doing anything? If you only knew then you would restrain me. You always had a way of knowing when a person is about to feel uncomfortable. However things did ran rather smoothly for a first timer kind of thing. Guess that is a good sign right? Cause if the exchange student can share a conversation with her… then I guess you two would get along fine as well. 

Then again that is if you ever get to meet her. Haha. Love you Love me.

22 January

The lights along the walkways seem so bleak tonight. She was busy today. I mean I shouldn't be so demanding right? After all she needed to go spend some time with her own folks. I mean I did leave her alone for while too during the whole exchange program. However she isn't that mean to disappear. She didn't disappear. Well, at least you're coming back soon. I should be looking forward to that day. Hold on while I adjust my mood. I'm clearing my throat. Preparing my arm to be lifted up.

You are coming back soon!!  Say yeah baby!!! I'm so excited although it would be a little upsetting that the exchange student is leaving.  Ahhhh!!! Can't wait for you to be home. Overly happy. Shall write to you another time.

23 February

You're back and that should be all that matters, Even if she isn't back…you are beside me. That should be good. He taught us all to forgive and forget. Even if she was suppose to be back on the 18. Even if she said that on the 19, we would have a date and yet she didn't turn up. It is fine. Jessi, smile when you see me. Cause… I'm sorry I need to pretend it is her smiling at me.

Love me. 

24 February

She isn't back. I hate this. I'm right. I can't do this Jessi. Knowing that she isn't around, I just can't. There is no stomach flu but I'm consistently throwing up my food. I'm falling. I'm falling and she isn't there to catch me.

29 February

The date that comes every 4 years. She came on the forth year anniversary of mummy’s introduction to his Kingdom too. Magical, isn't it? Jessi I love mummy. I know you know that. Even though you were eyeing everyone that entered her funeral and not even shedding a single sign of remorse, I know you love her too. She was sweet wasn’t she? I think I miss her too much. 

Daddy always says I’m most like mummy. I wonder if that is a good thing? We both love whole heartedly. Hence Jessie I gave her all I could. Pour my heart into this deadly apple of my eye. I gave everything and now she is gone. She left. Funny fact, she didn’t leave. She just isn’t here. 

I finally see the wall that I’ve been running towards all this while. I don’t get this. How did everything crumble down? How did my fantasy in reality become a simple fantasy.  This hurts. It is only day 5 and I’m a wreck. Daddy is worried. Leo is giving me the weird look. Michelle is hovering. It is like it is all bad again. Jessi I love you my bestie. However, Jessi don't love me.