Chapter 11: Open Ended

Confused- Out Of Eden

That day ended up rather awkwardly. I mean it didn’t end with a kiss although all the ambience gave the green light. It ended with my hand weirdly being back by my side. Me getting up at a rather awkward timing. Her brown eyes just watching me. She didn’t speak or showed any kind of reaction to my question or peculiar set of actions. She just looked at me with an intensity that I can’t explain but somehow understand. 

I may have understood it but that doesn’t mean I’m comfortable with it. Her gaze like yours showed care and love. Yet it projects the subtle signs of power that you may have held against me. The kind of power that has me running in circles in your palm. The power to make me so damn unstable. 

‘You should rest.’ Taeyeon smiled, got up and headed to her bed. Then came the weirdest part. Just as she brushed her way across me. My hand, by instinct, reached out and grabbed a little of her T-shirt. Now the highlight. ‘Stay.’ LIKE OH MY GOD!!! What the **** was that? That recollection of my expression of stupidity. My Goodness. Shoot me!!! I'm cursing like a natural swearer campion now. God may add down another line of why I shouldn't be next to him. Then again...back at that moment...it was right. Everything felt right to me. Why was everything right? How in the world did my mind managed to make that a logical thing to do? 

Argh. My face in my hands. Thinking back at yesterday would only serve to redden my face due to immense embarrassment. I could feel myself heating up even more when my mind begin to replay the comfort of her body shaping mine as she hugged me to sleep. I need to barf. I’m going to have to barf. Oh the headache!!!!!

‘You alright there love?’ Blankly I looked up. ‘Missed me?’ Perfect. How could I miss someone that I’ve no business with? Annoyed and not wishing for more troubles, I selected the safer alternative of walking away. I stood up. She stood right in front of me, blantly blocking my path with a smile. I glared at her and she smirk back. Who is she? Plus why in the world am I the target of her amusement?

‘Steph used to say you were nice.’ My eyes widen. Steph. How did she know you? ‘Tsk tsk little girl. Why so worried?’ My breathing was getting heavy. Who in the hell is she? In my state of confusion, her skinny forefinger decided to trace the side of my face. Leaving me rooted on the ground. Stuck and in shock. ‘My my, I wonder why lovely Stephy never did mentioned more about your beautiful face? She was always going on about your personality instead. Isn’t that sad?’ She let out a chuckle. 

Then out of nowhere her hand landed hard on my right cheek. Knocking out my equilibrium. I landed on the ground. ‘Payback is a and revenge is the ugly path that it proudly rolls on. Welcome Jessica Jung Sooyeon. Welcome to life's honest insanity.’ Then she waved and strut off. My eyes wouldn’t shift past her light hearted steps. She is directly creeping the crap out of me. My hands begins to suffer from slight tremors. Who...is she?

My hands tightened into a fist. I need to know who she is and squatting down here would not be bringing any answers. The book. The idiot better have some answers in that book. I stormed my way back to the room.

There it was. The bright pink that irritates my vision. Why did you have me spinning round and round even after your death? Snatching it up with no sense of gentleness and then roughly flipping the pages to where I stopped. 

16 November

Hey there. Today we went on a date! Everything seemed to be oh so nice. The food was good. Plus we were talking. Conversing with her making me laugh and smile. Like the awesome person she has always been, she sent me to my stop. If you are wondering why not to my door stop or somewhere nearer, it is because she is my secret. Ssshh. 

The place were calm and the band playing was great. Feel like asking them to let me join in their coolness. Wishful thinking? According to her, I would totally boost them. Anyway she was on the phone with me the whole walk home. According to her US’s crime rate is not one to go against. Although I must say I prefer to hear the words of ‘cause I wish you to always be my baby’. Cheesy, I know. But oh so romantic don’t you think so?

Just wrote to boast to you. I know you still love me. Love you!! Hearts!!

That was a useless update. Totally not helping with the weirdo known as Hyo...yeon? Great now I can barely even remember my biggest annoyance’s name. Irritated by both her and my lack of memory power, I roughly flipped the page.

21 November

Hey hey hey. I am so excited for the exchange program we are going to have in school.  Hopefully I’ll get selected as the buddy of whoever. Yes yes, you know of my excitement. Still you should be more happy about it like me. Instead of that indifferent idiot.SMILE JESSI. 

Just so you know I’m using my fingers to make you smile. Smile smile.

Fine don’t smile. Evil. I shall glare at you by glaring at the paper for awhile.

Since you aren’t smiling as I wish, I shall be mean. I hope you do not get selected to go over. By the way what do you mean by you need to sort things out and spend some time away from familiarity. That is such a lousy excuse Ms Jung. I’m eyeing you. 

Anyway the main point was not to write to you about something that you already know. So today I met up with her. A nice date again. Like the one I had boasted to you about. Everything seemed to be normal but I can’t help feeling like I’m missing something. Like something is missing. Like I don’t know. Oh wells. Maybe it was because of the exchange program housing thing. Do you think a person would get jealous about that? I mean I am a faithful person. She did seem happy that I was helping out in school. 

Plus she wasn’t a local. As in she wasn’t born here or spend majority of her childhood here. So I guess she would understand why I am doing this right? I mean...she should right? Did I cross the line? Oh man this . Keeping us a secret and hence not having your stupid honest remarks. Can’t believe that I actually want to hear that.

Am I thinking too much? Well I mean a little jealousy in a relationship is also good right? Or I would like to think so. Oh wells. Shall keep things posted to you through here. Love me!!!

Exchange program? Right... the korean sister school. Is there where she met that weirdo? So the weirdo wasn’t the lover? Wait so what is her deal with me? Argh. And of cause I had to get away from you. I was falling for you! Damn this. The frustration hit a peak. The innocent book that contains the guilt of you was flung across the room once more. Nothing was being solved. Nothing at all.

I only had questions. Open-ended conclusions. Well you. Dead and abolished my right to having a chance at obtaining answers. Unfair. This whole crap of a load is unfair. ARGH!!!!! Too angry. Overly frustrated. Being too lost in this whirlwind called life. I could only register to cry. You make me so weak...