Chapter Thirty Six
Can I continue feeling this way?
pic credit to http://jonginnie-oppa.tumblr.com
Two Months Later
I watched the semi-new couple as they battled on the Xbox. What they were playing, I didn’t know. But it didn’t matter as Lay had the most beautiful smile across his lips. Little nudges and shoves came his way whenever he would win, the other beside him having a hissy fit from losing. He clearly didn’t mind it though, and the undeniable grin on his face was proof of that. He and Chen were truly happy.
Just as ZiTao and I were.
His bruises and marks had faded, thankfully, and it seemed as if he was his old self once more. Well, except for one thing: if I try to touch him, he’ll jump. A sort of habit he’s acquired ever since the event. No matter how many times I whisper ’it’s okay’ and ’it’s only me, don’t be afraid’, it seems the reaction is now imbedded in his DNA. He’s slept in my room every night for the past two months and I have to say, I enjoy every bit of it. I wake up whenever he is gone from the bed. It must be some kind of subconscious realization that he’s gone, and my body will wake up, yearning for his return.
It seemed as if our family was finally complete, although we were missing one piece of the puzzle. And as much as I didn’t want to admit it, we were incomplete without him.
XiuMin has not come back yet.
I guess I can’t blame him. I told specifically told him not to come back until he was ready. I suppose he was just taking that to heart.
I stand in the hallway and observe like a father. As a leader it is my job, but as the man that I am, it is my nature. I know everything about these boys. What their favorite food is, their pet peeves, their general and specific likes and dislikes, every thing. I begin walking out to the kitchen and stop behind the black haired maknae, contemplating whether or not I should try to hug him from behind. He’s sipping on a glass of water, looking outside of the window with a peaceful look of content on his face.
Since he looked relaxed, it wouldn’t hurt to give it a try, right?
I took one more step towards him and slowly put my hands on his sides. With a jolt, a shatter soon followed. Tao swatted away my hands as the glass he was holding so kindly broke into pieces when it hit the floor. His actions sent my heart sinking- he would never let me touch him anymore. I sighed and walked over to get the broom to clean up this new mess. The other members gathered around to see what the disruption had been but I quickly shooed them away as they might step on the broken glass. I glanced at Tao through my bangs as I picked up the big pieces and my heart nearly sunk again.
He was crying.
Not sobbing, but a tear could be seen sliding down his cheek. He bit his bottom lip and looked out the window, waiting for all of the others to leave before sniffling.
“I’m sorry.” He whispered in a voice so low it could hardly be called audible.
I stood up to throw away the first round of the mess and sighed. “It’s okay.”
“Is it really?” He quietly retorted and turned to me.
No. No, it’s not okay. It’s not ing okay to not let me touch you in any way shape or form. I just want to hold your hand. I want to hug you. Nothing more. And you can’t even give me that? Then no, it’s not okay.
“Yes.” I replied with frustration.
He didn’t reply. Instead, he squatted down to slowly pick up the rest of the mess. Realizing this, I shooed him away.
“You’ll cut your hand. Just go. Just-” I hesitated. “Leave.” I didn’t dare look at Tao’s face after I said that. I could feel his feelings of hurt and anger radiating from him from across the room. At this point, I wasn’t in the mood for it. Quite frankly, I didn’t care that I had just said something potentially rude. Frustration and slight anger coursed through my veins and there was no stopping it. So why bother trying?
A few seconds later I could hear the door to his room being slammed shut so hard that it rattled the windows. I violently sighed something that was a cross between a scream and a grunt, anger taking over. I clenched my fist and slammed it against the granite countertop. I felt no pain and looked down in question only to see a hand inbetween mine and the counter. My eyes traveled upwards to find the owner and saw none other than Yixing calmly standing there.
“Stop.” he spoke, voice low yet calm.
I sharply retracted my hand away from his and glared out the window.
“Why should I?” I shot back.
“Is it really worth it to injure yourself for the sake of a simple emotion?” he asked.
I scoffed. “What are you, a ing monk?” I replied blatantly.
“If I were, my job here would already be done.”
I scowled at him.
“You two, come with me.” He looked past me. I turned around in confusion, as I thought we were the only two in the room, and looked back only to see Tao come out from behind a wall he had hidden behind. I rolled my eyes and followed Lay out the door, not caring to hold it open for Tao when he walked up behind me.
“Where the are we going?” I asked, irritated.
“Patience is a virtue.” Lay responded, completely deflecting my question.
“ing monk.” I mumbled under my breath.
Within a few minutes we were led to a secluded area in some forest trail. Lay sat us down on a bench, him and I sitting on one side while Tao sat on the other. He hung his head low so that he didn’t have to look at me, and I looked off into the distance to stare at anything that wasn’t him.
“Alright. I’m going to do most of the talking since you two obviously aren’t going to. Now, Tao, you jump whenever someone touches you right? Even Kris?” He asked the maknae.
He nodded his head shamefully.
“And Kris, you’re upset because you just want to be close to him again, right?”
I nodded my head without looking at him.
“Tao. I want you to look around your surroundings, take everything in, and then close your eyes. And yes, that includes looking at your boyfriend.” Lay spoke peacefully, disregarding every inch of tension that filled the air.
Said boy slowly lifted his head and started observing everything around him. With every turn of his head, my heart beat a little faster. He looked at Lay, and then looked at me with a solemn and nonchalant expression before continuing the rest of the way. As told, he closed his eyes when he finished.
“You studied your surroundings, right?”
Tao nodded.
“Was there anything odd? Anything unsettling?” he asked patiently.
Tao took a moment before responding. After careful consideration, he shook his head.
“So it’s all… safe, correct?”
The boy hesitantly nodded his head. With just the three of us out here, it really was safe. He had nothing to worry about.
“Okay. Now I’m going to put out my hands. All I want you to do is place yours on top of the one you’re drawn to the most.” Lay placed his right hand on the table and looked at me. I looked back, confused, until he picked up my left hand and put it next to his. That way, there were two hands, but one was his and one was mine. I began to see Lay’s point: Tao would pick a hand with his eyes closed, thinking they were both Lay’s, yet one of the hands was mine. If he chose mine, he would see that it was harmless and it would be one step closer to curing him of this ailment.
With eyes still closed, he reached out his right hand and hovered it over the both of ours. The closer he got to mine, the faster my heart would beat. I was yearning for a simple touch. Just a slight brush of the hand or the light grasp of a finger- any thing.
Tao’s hand hovered over Lay’s and for the third time that day, my heart sunk. The boy’s eyes were furrowed in concentration and I looked away, fed up. A shock, however, shot up my spine and caused me to look back in confusion. I stared at my hand as wave after wave of scattered emotions racked my frame.
There was a hand atop mine.
Tao’s eyes opened and he gasped, shocked at being tricked and shocked that he had chosen mine. Without hesitation I weaved my fingers through his, taking this chance to be closer to him. A small smile played on the boys lips, and I squeezed his hand, soon earning a teethy grin.
I glanced at Lay, guilty. “Thanks…” I mumbled, feeling exceptionally bad about insulting him earlier.
“Don’t mention it. But promise me you’ll be patient with Tao. Just because he’s holding your hand today doesn’t mean he’ll hold it tomorrow. Give him the time he needs to get used to it again and don’t you dare push him beyond his limits. Got it?” He spoke as if he were a parent scolding a child.
“Watch it. I’m older than you, so don’t talk as if it’s the other way around. But yes, I ‘got it’.” I squeezed Tao’s hand once more and stood up from the bench, ready to go home. We walked, hand in hand, back to the house with Lay following behind us.
When we got to the door, I let the maknae in first and held it open for Lay. He took an unsteady step forward and brought his hand up to his nose, wiping away blood that had started to fall from it. He looked to me and I stared back, a sick sensation turning in my stomach. That dark, thick crimson fluid gushed from both sides, face paling as he opened his mouth to speak.
“Kris, I-I don’t… feel so go-” His sentence was cut short as his legs buckled under him, sending his body crashing to the floor with nauseating thud.
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