Chapter Twenty One
Can I continue feeling this way?
pic credit to http://yeahtaoris.tumblr.com
-Tao’s p.o.v.-
We were soon taken home after everyone had finished their snack. The sugar rush gave everyone an extra burst of energy, causing them to be extra rowdy. They nearly ran to the xbox when we got inside of the door, betting on who will win and who will lose. We all had the rest of the day off, so we didn’t have to worry about running out of time to play. I, however, was not really in the mood to play with the rest of them. There were so many thoughts bouncing around in my head it became hard to even respond when one of the members talked to me. Realizing I was drifting off, I told everyone I would be going to sleep.
Laying there in bed, it became impossible to do that. Thoughts of Kris kept me awake, confusing me further.
I closed my eyes, and thought:
Why? Why is this happening? He was there for me that night. He sat in front of me, stopping me from grieving so much. He leaned in, giving me his strength in any way he could.
He.
Kissed.
Me.
Bringing me out of my daze. When he began to release his grip, I was afraid he would leave. When I reached for him again, however, he proved just the opposite. “I will never leave you.” His words echoed through my head, leaving me breathless. The next morning, I awoke in his arms. I was hesitant to confess to him, yet I bid myself forward and did exactly that. My heartbeat nearly stopped in anticipation of his reply, and increased tenfold as he repeated the same words to me. Our lips met each other’s once more. Then came our last day alone together. Having nothing to do, Kris suggested we go to Disneyland. That nearly sent me jumping into my room to pack, incredibly excited over this new experience that would take place. I was intimidated by the huge rides and did not want to ride them, but Kris was there, encouraging me to enjoy it. So, I did. And soon I was the one dragging him to the fun. We eventually sat down for lunch, finished, and set off to the shops. Kris walked close to me, but was in front of me as we wandered around.
Something caught my eye, fuzzy and soft; I had to see what it was. I turned to this kiosk that had little miniature me’s hung up. There were small, medium, and large ones. I picked up the large one and squished its face. As I was about to squish it again, someone rattled my shoulders, nearly scaring me half to death. I looked to see a very unhappy Kris staring back at me. Scolding me for going off without him, his voice quickly became harsh. I showed him the little plush and started to talk, but he quickly ripped it out of my hands. I looked down until he finished his words and soon found that I could not bring myself to look back up. When I did, I felt a strange feeling well up inside of me that sent blood to my cheeks and moisture to my eyes. Unable to face him any longer, I left and ran to the car.
Getting in, the driver immediately looked worried. I told him to not be, as I would be fine, and put in my headphones to drown out my thoughts. I focused on the music, the beats, the rhythm and successfully stopped the excess flow of liquid to those orbs of mine. They, however, could not stop this strange twinge of unknown emotion from raking my heart. My chest felt heavy; unable to verify what was causing this, I was unable to stop it. I kept my eyes closed until I felt the car shake the slightest bit. Opening my eyes, my suspicions were confirmed as I watched Kris climb in next to me. He began to speak, so I secretly turned my music off to hear him while he spoke. I kept my headphones in as I listened.
Each word that left his mouth- no, each syllable slipped through my defenses and touched my core. “ZiTao, I am really, really sorry.” That sentence echoed through my mind; I almost jumped when he put his hand on my leg. I wanted to reply. I wanted to scream in his face and cry in his arms. I wanted to ask him why he yelled at me, and why he regretted it when he did. I was no longer focusing on controlling my emotion, and as a consequence, a sliver of sadness bid my lip to quiver. I immediately bit down, reprimanding it and myself for being caught off guard and letting my mind wander.
I kept my eyes forward the whole ride home and rushed into the house as soon as we got there, feeling my eyes well up. Running into my room, I slammed the door behind me. I got onto to bed and brought my knees to my chest, burying my head in my arms and letting those forbidden tears fall. I must have been too loud, for another member opened my door and walked inside. Not allowing my head to rise, I listened to the man speak. His voice was soft and careful, and I felt it get louder as the mattress dipped. A warm hand brushed against my shoulder, causing me to shift away for want of not being touched. “I’m sorry” he whispered, retracting his hand immediately.
I continued to stay in that position for the next few moments, only pausing to take a deeply needed breath. I felt the weight on the bed shift, but ignored it- until I felt the boy wrap his arms completely around me. I wriggled, trying to get away, but he held his grip tight until I stopped fighting his hold. I felt a light weight set itself on my shoulder. “It’s okay” he breathed the words lightly, afraid of disrupting the already tense atmosphere with unnecessary sounds. His voice gently vibrated the skin of my shoulder, his slight accent telling me that it was either Chen or XiuMin. He began to rub my back. At first the awkward motion made me shift away, but it soon became incredibly soothing. I started to relax and he repeated those words in another soft whisper. He hugged me tighter, and this time I could feel his cheek against mine. I could tell it was XiuMin then. Chen has incredibly sharp cheekbones, while XiuMin has cheeks much like a baozi. He continued to rub my back, each motion becoming more soothing than the first. Tears coming fewer and fewer, I gained to courage to lift my head. I opened my mouth only to breathe but soon found the whole story had slipped off my tongue and found its way to the other’s ears. He continued to lightly my back the whole time, causing me to keep the calm stature his comforting touch had given me beforehand.
A few drops would unknowingly fall from my eyes as I spoke, causing the other to reach forth his hand and brush them away. Soon enough I was able to regain my composure. I, however, did not tell him to stop his hand, for I feared my emotions would return without this soothing contact. He understood completely, and never let go his embrace upon my rattled frame. My eyes slowly became heavy, and the more time that passed, the harder it became to keep them open. XiuMin noticed this and moved to the side, lightly sliding me off of him onto the bed. My head hit the pillow as my swollen eyes looked up at him. I blinked, intending to reopen them but soon found that that was easier said than done. Unable to wake completely, I mumbled something incoherent before feeling a delicate pressure upon my lips. I didn’t fight back, but I was definitely awake enough to tell what it was.
XiuMin had kissed me. Whether it be a friendly or romantic one, it did not matter. He had kissed me, and Kris was still completely on my mind. Too tired to even form a complete sentence, I passed out on the spot. The next morning Kris made us all breakfast. I walked in and avoided his eyes, not ready to face him yet. I sat next to XiuMin, putting what had happened last night aside, and focused on filling up my empty stomach. Within a few moments, the bun had poked my side and offered me a bite of his plate. Smiling, I opened my mouth and quickly ate it. He could tell I liked it, and motioned for me to open so he could do it again. I barely had time to chew that bite before Kris’s bitter comment made its way to my ear. I need not look at him, for I knew he was speaking to me. Keeping my head down, I finished chewing that and took a small bite of my own plate. Chen and Luhan’s chatter had stopped, effectively placing an incredibly awkward aura on the six of us. Within a few moments XiuMin suggested we get ready for the day. I willingly obliged. After entering my room I realized that I had forgotten something in the kitchen, so I walked back to get it.
What sight met me sent my heart through the floor, dropping deep past the depths of being able to be returned. Lay’s lips were on his… They were on Kris’s.
On.
My.
Kris’s.
Sickened, I completely forgot about the item as I turned and ran towards my room. I wanted to once again scream at him, ask him why, clear up this mess that obviously tearing us both apart. But after that, I had no idea what I felt anymore. A week passed since the incident and things were not getting any better, though they were not getting any worse either. Kris decided that day to take us to ice cream, which was an incredibly comic scene as all the members nearly flew to their rooms to get ready. We got there and lined up. I was staring at all of the different flavours, having absolutely no idea which one to get when I saw a familiar figure walk up to me.
My heart halted but my face remained stoic. He stood there, two cones in hand, offering one to me because I certainly could not pick one out for myself. I smiled ear to ear on the inside at the simple fact that we had talked again, but the flashback of his kiss clouded my mind and my ability to smile to him on the outside. I accepted it and slowly tasted it. I looked down and thanked him. I could not quite figure out why my heart was beating so fast, why I was no longer interested in sitting next to the other members, why this ice cream tasted so damn good simply because he was the one who had given it to me. I finished off the cone, nearly forgetting that XiuMin had sat next to me, and looked up to thank him again when I saw his arm around Lay. Sighing as yet another crack formed, I silently sat there cursing myself for even believing I had a chance with him in the first place.
Or… did I?
A second review of the month’s events led me to realize just the opposite.
He had come to me.
He kissed me.
He had apologized from the bottom of his heart.
He had thought of me when getting me the dessert.
The good times overshadowed the bad, melting them away as if their structures were as simple as ice.
He had yelled at me because he cared.
He had barked at XiuMin out of jealousy.
Yet, that still leaves the subject of Lay unsolved. Why had they kissed? And why had Kris’s arm been around him?
Kris,
if Lay and I were to reach out our hands,
whose would you grab?
If I offered you my heart,
would you accept it?
This push and pull of sorts,
this stupid ing game,
Are we going to continue this charade?
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