I can't do this anymore. I seriously can't. I just want to disappear and escape.

It's raining outside, it's so cold and I'm back to square one - alone.

Years after years of training, company after company, and it's just... I...

There's a note on my table? I don't think manager eonnie came in today...?

I reach for the note. There's a blue post-it on top of it.

"Youngji-ah~ I dropped by a little. I know you want to be alone now but someone gave me a note and told me its very important that it gets to you, so...
Here it is. Give that person a call or at least a text okay? Fighting-ah! :)"

I inhaled sharply, putting away the post-it note and carefully opened the envelope.

"Hey mushroom."

Two words and I know who this is. Jackson. Tears start to form.

"I know you're having a hard time. You're thinking why does it have to be me?! You feel betrayed now, I understand. No matter how many times you say you respect your KARA eonnies decision, there's still that part of you that feels angry, upset, injustice, played with - and it's normal, I understand. You feel guilty now, I understand. But first of all, pretty princess, Sojin-ssi's death is not your fault. The tears of your DSP trainee friends/baby kara friends, are not your fault. The hard times they're going through is not your fault. You're depressed, you're stressed, you're anxious and yet you smile so brightly at the world. How many nights have you been crying since KARA PROJECT and the whole world doesn't know? How many nights have you felt like giving up after you debutted? How many nights have you been blaming yourself and wanting to kill yourself after Sojin-ssi died? Many. Many nights."

I start to cry. He knows, he knows. My hands shake and my lips quiver. I continue reading.

"You tried hard. You fought hard. You picked yourself up everytime you fell. Youngji you're a warrior. You're a fighter. And no matter what others say, you're strong. You slay. You're queen. You can do this. And I'm here too. Always. A phone call away. No matter where I am in the world, if you call I'm picking up. And if you need me right now, as you read this, call me. I miss your voice so much that I'm willing to just hear your cry. Just cry. If you need someone to hear you cry, I'm here. I'm here always. So please Youngji don't keep your emotions to yourself, don't hide it all. I'm always a call away."

I can't even see properly now, my vision is blurry with all the tears in my eyes. I swallow hard as I reach for my phone, calling him with the fastest speed ever.