Chapter 4: Lack of Feeling

1 week has passed and I still can’t find the perfect feeling for the song I have chosen to perform on our first monthly evaluation. It may be the easiest task but I guess it will still be difficult for me since I have never experience a happy love story.

“Rhianne-a, let’s go now.” C told me.

I rose up today feeling very gloomy. Haay.

I entered our session hall and saw my co-trainee there, looks like they are tensed.

“Yah, what is going on? Why everybody looks tensed?” I asked one of my co-trainees.

“Didn’t you know? JYP will be the one who’ll be mentoring us today.” she answered.

Oh, so that’s why everybody seemed to be a little nervous. But I think they shouldn’t be. Just relax and just be who they are. JYP is a strict person when it comes to performances and passion but he is kind.

“Good morning everyone!” JYP entered the session hall.

We bowed down and greeted him as well.

“Seems like everybody is looking good today, huh? Okay. So for today, I’ll be the one handling the session. I know you all are already preparing for the upcoming evaluation right? Hye Sung, what are you gonna do?”

“Ahm, I’m going to dance sir.” she said.

“Ui Bong?” JYP asked.

“I’m going to dance too.” he answered.

“Ahm, ah, Rhianne, what are you going to do?” he asked me.

“Ahm, I’m going to sing while playing the guitar.” I said.

“All of you are going to perform a solo act on stage. In every performance, what do you think is the main thing that should be seen in your performance? Anyone?” Not even one was raising their hand. Until…

“Yes you.” JYP pointed at Hee Young.

“The talent?” she said.

“The talent? Maybe. Probably. Anyone else?” he asked.

“I think it’s the feeling” I whispered to myself.

“Rhianne? Are you saying something?” He heard me. Yeah right.

“Ahm, I think it’s the feeling or how the person on the stage delivers the song well, whether it’s dancing or singing.”

“Correct. It’s the feeling. That’s what the people is looking for, how well did you portray the meaning of the song. And that is what I’m going to teach you now.” he said.

“Before we start, I want everyone to set your mind straight. The road now is going to be long and bumpy but if you know what you want to happen to your life, you’ll try hard to get it.”

He’s starting to say his words of wisdom again.

“Everyone, please close your eyes.” Like he said, I closed my eyes. “You are in a dark place then suddenly the man or woman of your life appeared in front of you and they told you, ‘I LOVE YOU’.”

I can’t even imagine a person in front of me so how will I be able to imagine the feeling?

“Okay everyone, open your eyes” he said. “Most of you did their own reactions about that situation. It’s very nice so see that you can relate yourself to an imagination.”

I raised my hand.

“Oh yes Rhianne.”

“I didn’t feel anything. I can’t even imagine someone telling me those things.” I said.

“Have you ever been in love?” he asked.

“Once but things didn’t work out.”

“That’s why you can’t feel. You are limiting your imagination with the things you’ve experienced. Move out from your comfort zone.” he said.

I’m limiting myself.

“Sometimes, things seem impossible, but that’s what makes them possible too.” he continued. “We are given the imagination because there are things we want that may not happen in real life. Imagination is a thing we use to satisfy ourselves. Don’t limit your imagination. Let it explore. You don’t need to be in love to know the feeling, you just need to imagine. Imagine.”

Everything he said struck me. He continued to have some lessons but it seems like nothing enter my mind. I’m still thinking of what he said earlier. I’m limiting myself. I’m letting myself to enjoy the real life.

That night. . .

I went on the rooftop of this building. Good thing there’s light in here. I’ll not be afraid of the dark. I brought my guitar here at the same time. I need to find peace of mind. I have to find where love is.

I started plucking my guitar and sang a part of the song I’m going to sing on the evaluation.

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