The Curse of Fate by Sweetmelody12

Review by OutspokenGirl612

The Title  (5/5)

The title is fitting for the story, and gives the vibe of either angst or romance. I think it worked pretty well with the story.

Description and Foreword(9/10)

The description is perfect, since it’s what appears when you browse for stories; you selected 3 great questions to make the reader want to know more about the plot.

As for the foreword, it’s also great that you chose to quote your own character, well done. I’m going to mention some grammar mistakes that it has in the Language section.

Plot and Originality(20/30)

I think it was original the approach you took for portraying depression and regret; it usually comes from the eyes of the person with the disease; yet you did it from one of the viewers of it. What I found cliché though was using brain cancer as a disease. It’s not that it’s wrong, but it has been overused, especially in AFF. Whenever someone wants to kill a character they go for brain cancer.

Characterization(14/20)

Sulli’s character portrayed well the feeling of depression and regret; it felt realistic and natural the way in which she acted. Her recuperation was too fast, though. With how big her injuries were, she shouldn’t have been able to walk that fast, even if she wanted to. And a suicidal person takes more than a year to get out of that depression, and even if she could manage it, she would have been medicated for a long time.

Writing Style and Language(23/25)

Foreword:

1. Why is it that there is no such thing as a utopia where everything is perfect? – You need to place a comma after Utopia, because you’re adding extra information that could be easily eliminated without affecting the question. Also, you have to write Utopia with capital letter, because it is a place, even though an imaginary one; you also need to put it in between quoting marks, in this case it would be like this: ‘Utopia.’ Remember that you are making reference to the place described in the book that goes by the same name.

2. Simply because we as humans would not allow it. – You need to put “as humans” between commas because you added it to the sentence to give emphasis, but it could be omitted from it.

Chapter 1:

1. […] someone would be waiting for him-to take the first step […] – I don’t really see what the need for a dash in this sentence is; there’s no extra information, neither is there a thought that needs to be separated.

2. Silence except for the hushed […] – You need to add a comma after “silence” because your using a word of contrast after it.

3. With slow hesitant step, he pushed open […] – It has to be “steps,” in plural, because we all have two feet, not one, so it’s more than one step always; unless you clearly state that it “a step” like this: “With a slow hesitant step.”

4. […] when he first had his heart-broken by a merciless female. – In this case, you need to eliminate the dash because in the context of the sentence the verb “broken” is being used independently from the heart itself; it is describing the action rather than the object itself.

5. Even while he had just had his heartbroken […] – You need to add a space between “heart” and “broken.”

6. It had taken months, but the end result had made her the happiest she had felt in over a year. – Ii don’t know if it’s the verbs, or the order of this sentence after the “but”; but I feel like there’s something wrong. Maybe rearranging it would make it better.

Flow(5/10) 

I feel like the flow was good until she started at the new university. Suddenly, she had already graduated and was a successful psychologist and had a new love in her life. I think it’s okay to show a bit of her future, but only a bit; if you wanted to enter into her success and her new lover you need to add more details; otherwise it feels rushed. Another problem was the velocity in which Sulli overcame the situation; a person who’s gotten to the point of attempting suicide needs more than a year to surpass depression, and will probably be drinking pills for some time.

Total (66/100)