ok wow as promised i didn't want to let you guys hang with a second update today but I suddenly skipped pages and close the tab WITHOUT SAVING AND EVERYTHING WAS GONE and so I will just quickly change a bit and put everything really small together without adding any emotions ok...guys sorry i'm just uhgjdnfjndfgbgb 
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Jongin's funeral ended fast and that's what I wanted to achieve : a fast and quick end. It really hurts to lose a friend, but for him its juts.. it's just the end ok nothing more, but we friends and his family and colegues and fans we suffer and we will miss him like, like a lot and it will takes days, weeks, months, maybe even years to finally understand that he won't just appear in front of your door like nothing happened, he isn't on a vacation, or in another countyrf because of abroad actvities like a model job in New York. He is indeed dead. Nobody can deny that.

The entire SMtown family, Woollim and even some YG members came, and so family and friends. It was a long and painful event. Many tears stayed on the ground of the cemetry and so the huge amount of tissues which later needed to get picked up by cementry employees. The amount of people who came made me happy. To know that so many people care about him made me happy and proud, he achieved a lot for his age.

The sad thing is that this event came way too far. I personally didn't expect someone to leave us that fast, he was only 29 years old, not the age to die. It's the age to marry, to build a family, maybe try to change the job one last time and try something new, to move into another country, to do anything crazy for the  very last time before you're old enough and ready to form your own family and think about a serious future.

But not.. not to die.

Later I arrived at my apartment. I opened the balcony door, but before i threw my entire stuff such as my bag and my jacket into the next corner before is stepped barfeet on the cold ground of the balcony. It was a clear spring night and just the wind blew a little. I leaned myself on the fence, my little baby bum touching the fence sligthly, but not too much to risk to hurt the baby even though it is save in my stomach, you never know.

It was time to think about my own future. Now that Kyungsoo is somehow out of my life I wondered how I should continue but just the thought of living alone made me tear up again. Not only losing Jongin, no I also somehow lost my boyfriend. But I won't give up, i still have hopes. I mean he said he wants a break right? He will get his break, if he needs it he will get it!

I sat down on one of the chairs standing on the balcony and leaned my head on my arms. Bright lights everywhere, the nightlife of Seoul could be so beautiful from up here.

Back to my future. 

Since I won't really be able to perform I thought about jobbing as endorsement model and actress, like Jongin did. Yes he kind of inspired me, I mean he earned a lot of money with such mini jobs and he came around the world...but in my case not that good because of the  baby I would. But a famous model in Korea would also be enough and maybe I could inclued the little child one day and model as happy mom for baby CF's.

But the baby made me think of Kyungsoo again. Will he comeback? Will he comeback and take care of his own child? or will he stay away, start something new and never comeback? Is he Ok anyways? What if he did something really stupid like he's drinking at the moment and does the same as Lay - he drives, he drinks and drives  BAAM next victim.

Talking about Lay...I'm really worried about his status even though the nurses tell us everyday that he is fine and his status is perfect. If he ever should wake up will he remember anything? How will his life continue? How will he react to Jongins death? He will forvere..think it is his fault...well somehow it is I mean apparently he drive but...but...he will regret everything, he will never live normal again...what if he thinks stupid and kill himself and ahhhh....all that drama

I inhaled deeply. The spring air is still the best I thought.

Suddenly I heard the steps behind me. I turned around and Chanyeol stood in the doorway. He leaned against the balcony door, his arms folded in front of his chest. He was, like me, still wearing his funeral costume.

"hey" he said with his really deep, trucker like, voice.

"Hey"

"Can I sit next to you?" he asked and I nodded while I turned back to enjoy the beautiful view of Seoul.

"And is everything alright?" he asked and I just nodded. I didn't felt like speaking at all.

He turned his head away from me to the city lights.

"It's beautiful" he said and I nodded again.

"I'm sorry" he suddenly said minutes later.

I turned to him

"You don't have to be sorry. For what are you sorry anyways? I can't remember that you did anything"

Chanyeol his chair and looked on his shoes, which where coloured in a shining black.

"well...about you and Kyungsoo..."

"Chanyeol that wasn't your fault"

"But what if it is?" he said and looked deep into my eyes.

"What do you mean?" I asked as he stood up and folded his arms on his head while turnign his back to me

"Well ... I-I know something what you should know and ... and I don't know I should have told you earlier"

"Chanyeol, what kind of secret" I stood up

"Not now..not yet...we first should-"

"Tell...now..." I muttered.

"Kyungsoo left the city" he said

"is that all? I already guessed that, he needs a break"

Chanyeol rummaged in his pocket and took a photo out, which he handed to me

"He won't comeback"

I unfolded the photo and was shocked what it revealed.

The photo showed Kyungsoo and a girl, they obviously posed like they were dating and to be exact I somewhere saw this girl before. Tears left my eyes and rolled down my cheeks. To be honest it burned when they rolled down, I don't exactly know why but it hurt, it hurt a lot. The fact that he cheated, the fact that he spent the past days with her, the fact that has another relationship besides me, the fact that there is his own child growing in me but still he dates another girl besides me not caring about his own family, it just hurts.

"I'm sorry..."Chanyeol whispered as I looked teary up to him

He grabs the back of my head and presses it into his hard chest. My arms hung downand flew with the wind but still shaking  because of my frustrations.

How could this day get worsers....

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dramaaaa ends.....SORRAY comments plsu as usual and OH i changed the foreword a bit bc as you can see MANY changes so yeah keep up I will try to update as much as I can since i have holidays :3