After what happened in the dressing room, I realized that I was a total jerk - an . I was really mad, to the point, that I couldn't think the words that will slip, through my lips, either it was hash or not. Sure, I was guilty, when I left the dressing room, but the other part of me was saying that, it was her fault, that she deserve it. I actually didn't recognize myself. The one who was in the dressing room was not me, it was.. a different person.

That moment, when I left there, maybe 13 minutes already have passed, and just two minutes left, then the show will start, I remember, her personal assistant asked the director, if he could give Jessica another 5 minutes to prepare. Of course, the director was surprised, but he wasn't mad when she told him that, Jessica wasn't feeling well. In the end, he gave their wish, and the show was delayed for another 5 minutes.

It bothered me, actually. I knew that, I was the reason, why Jessica wasn't feeling 'well'. I was guilty - I was actually planning, that I would just not talk to her during working hours, when I found out that she'll be my new co host.

At the end, I realized that I was wrong. I shouldn't have did that - I shouldn't do anything in the future, even though, she.. betrayed me.

Because, I knew, in the end, that what she did to me, will surely backed fire to her..


















 

<\><\><\><\><\><\>  












 

The yesterday show was.. success. I wasn't lying, it was really a success. We managed to end the show without showing, uneasiness with each other.

Yesterday, when Jessica, finally stepped out from the room, I already noticed her eyes and I knew that she has been crying. Instantly, I felt guilty, but still I didn't talk to her. The director and some staff would ask her if she was feeling well - she would tell them that she was okay, and managed to put a smile, even though that was she just forcing herself.

Anyways, like what I've said, yesterday show was a huge success, even though we were indifferent with each other - I think, I was the only one who was indifferent to her, but still we managed to got high ratings on the yesterday's episode. I am actually congratulating myself, for putting up a nice facade   in front of the camera.

"Cut!"

Thursday - we're recording another episode of Show Champion. "Nice job, Amber and Jessica! Now, you can take an hour break. Okay everyone, call back time after an hour!"

When we were both using the dressing room at the same time, of course we were not talking. It is a good thing, that finally she decided to put some distance between us, and I could say that it was way much better. "Amber! Jessica!" We were both walking back to our dressing room - I was walking ahead of her, I have to remind, when someone called us. I turned my head, and saw the director, walking to us, and he stopped when he's already in front of Jessica.

"Amber, come here!" He called, gesturing me with his hand to come over to them. I smiled thinly, as I reluctantly walked towards their direction. "After the show, all of us are going to the pub and you two must come, since you guys are part of the team. It was also a celebration, of the yesterday's episode.."

I was actually considering not to come, but when I thought Sulli's words in the dorm, that I was just locking myself from the past, I quickly changed my mind..

Time passed so quickly, that I didn't notice, I was already here at the pub, in the VIP room, together with the other staff of the show, including her, drinking myself with alcohol, like there was no tomorrow, that I couldn't figure out why. All I know was, my mood changed - in a bad way, when I saw that.. That Taecyeon at the show during our break - obviously, visiting his girl.

That was when I thought, that they were still together - that they were still, holding the betrayal they did to me. They were hugging and so wrapped up in their worlds, that they didn't even realize, they were hugging in a public place.

She saw me there, because our eyes met, but I walked away, like nothing happened, but there was something inside of me, that made my heart twitch, and infuriated at the same time.

The thought made me ballistic, that I didn't notice, I was already gripping the glass tightly, to the point my hand was already trembling. I quickly gulped the alcohol, and I almost flinch because of the bitter and strong taste of it. "Amber, enough. I think, you're already drunk." I heard my manager said beside me.

Maybe he was right, after all. I guess, I've drank so much, since earlier, because my head was kind of spinning, and the chattering made by the others were just echoes in my ears, but I felt that, I really wanted to get drunk tonight, to forget the events, about what happened this day.

I tried to look at him, but his face was blurred. "What.. What are you saying, hyung?" My words were already slurred. "I can still think straight!"

I know that he was talking to me, but i didn't have energy to respond back, because I was busy drowning myself with alcohol. How many times did he try to stop me? All I know was that, I kept on drinking.. And drinking, until my surroundings turned into black, that I knew I was already wasted..































 

<\><\><\><\><\><\>
















 

Kriing.. Kriing.. My eyes fluttered open by the sound of the alarm clock, and it was just making my ears worse. I reached out to turn off the alarm, and once I already turned it off, I groaned in pain, hissing as I held my head, when I suddenly felt a pang in my head. "Oh, god.." I moaned, moving myself to lean on the headboard. When the pain subsided, I let out a deep sigh.

Images of yesterday's events, instantly flashed through my head, and I stopped halfway, when the image of Taecyeon and Jessica hugging. Unconsciously, I balled my fist as I rubbed my temples.

I remember I have a meeting with Mr. Lee today at SM building. I glanced at the clock on the nightstand. 9:00. Great. Now, I only have 3 hours left, before the meeting.

I remember, this was also happened to me before. I smiled, as I remember Soojung, making me a honey water for my hang-over. We didn't see each other for the past 3 days. She kept on calling and texting me, but, i never got a chance to call back, because I was really busy. I miss her.

Before I forget my schedule today, and despite of my headache, I hurriedly prepared for the meeting later.


 

We're on our way at SM building, and I was already at the van with just my manager when he handed me a paper bag. "That fan is so sweet. It is also a coincidence, that I didn't have my breakfast, yet." I said, when I already saw what was inside the paper bag, then putting it aside for awhile.

"I was at SM earlier, when I saw him, then he told me to give that to you, like usual." I nodded. I was just amused, because he doesn't need to explain that to  me.

"By the way hyung, are you the one who brought me at my place last night. Geez, I was pretty wasted.." I said.

He cleared his throat, then looked through the rear view mirror. "Yeah. I was the one - by the way, how's your hang over?"

I chuckled. "My head is still worse. I forgot to drink painkillers, before I left.." I paused, rubbing my temples. Then I remember something. "Oh yeah, hyung.. You kept on texting last night when we were at the pub, huh? So who's the unlucky girl?" I teased.

He just smiled. "Enough with that - we're here.." I grinned and looked outside, and he was right, indeed, we were already in front of SM building. Once the van stopped, I hopped out from the van, then followed by manager, then we head straight inside the building.

I was already in the meeting room, alone, just waiting for Mr. Lee to come, while hyung was outside running some few errands. He'd said that, he'll come back, soon.. When I already sat on one of the chairs, suddenly my headache came back , and this time it was even worse than earlier.

While waiting for Mr. Lee to come, I just had my eyes closed all the time, laying my crossed arms on the table while resting my head on top of it. My breathing was starting to get heavy, but I think, I could resist the pain a bit.

A few minutes later, I felt someone's presence beside me. I turned my head sideways, then slowly opened my eyes. I was confused when I saw a bottle of water and Ibuprofen in front of me. I lift my head, and saw a woman's back, ready to leave. Jessica. "What are you doing here?" It came out in a harsh way.

She stopped, more like she froze. Images of her and Taecyeon flashed through my head and it just made my headache worse. "I said. What are you doing here?" I pressed, standing.

She didn't answer. She turned around with her head hanged. She was fiddling with her fingers, a habit of hers when she was nervous or terrified. "And what are these?" She looked up, and her eyes landed on the bottle and the medicine, that I was pointing.

"I-I.. I just thought that.. That you can drink that.. S-so.."

"And who are you to say that to me? You're not my mom, so it is none of you business." I hissed. "Now, would you get out?" My head was just getting worse every time I talk.

She looked up, and had this eyes that made me pissed, just like the last time. That look. "A-Amber.. P-please.."

"What?!" I said, exasperated, and she flinched. "Didn't I tell you to stop this, already? Don't you really understand me? Didn't I tell you to stay away from me? And please - don't give me that look, that you.. That you really cared, because truthfully, you didn't! You never actually cared!"

Tears were starting to flow through her cheeks as she stepped closer. "I.. A-Amber.."

Panting with my eyes closed, the pain was just making it harder for me to stand on my feet, properly. "We don't need to continue this. The conversation was just a waste." I spat, walking passed by her and ready to leave.

"I'm sorry, Amber.." She sobbed and I stopped on my tracks. My eye twitched, tears were threatening to fall and I inhaled a good amount of air to held it in. "I'm sorry.. I'm really.. Really sorry, Amber.." She whispered, then I felt her getting closer.

I turned around, and couldn't held my tears any longer. Tears were coming out from her eyes, as she reached out her arm to touch my face, but even before I felt her hand on my cheeks, I stepped back, swatting her hand."Stop this, Jessica. You're already out of my life." I glared, then turning around as I walked towards the door.

Once outside, I realized something.. Why do I always have to get affected by my past?