Chaeyoung felt ridiculous. 

She had cried that night until she fell asleep. Why? She was not sure. But it hurt, it hurt in such a weird way. She liked Mina's contact, she liked holding her, having her close, for a moment she had been really happy that the girl had gone to sleep with her, but then it always ends when she realizes that nothing is real. 

Mina was just drunk. Chaeyoung felt pathetic. Pathetic for wanting Mina. She could never have Mina, it made no sense. After leaving Mina alone, she searched for another empty room and tried to sleep there, but she couldn't stop crying. She couldn't stop thinking of Mina's touch, that could calm her, she loved it when Mina played with her hair. She couldn't stop thinking of Mina's lips on her neck either, it was painful but she wanted to feel them again, she wanted it to be real. So she cried, because Nayeon was right, because Dahyun was right. She really liked Mina but it was all in her head. 'What about her heart?' Mina's heart. She had felt her heart and it was going so fast, Chaeyoung wanted an explanation for that. Mina said she made her nervous, but why? Mina would never realize on her own, she would never see her as she did. It didn't matter how fast her heart felt. Mina didn't want to see it. It was ridiculous, the whole thing was ridiculous. Chaeyoung felt weak. 

The next morning she woke up and went to grab her things in the room where Mina was, she had been afraid of the girl waking up, but she was in deep sleep, so she took everything and before leaving she looked at her for a while. It felt different knowing that she had not woken up by her side and she felt a bit sad that Mina was not going to wake up with her on her side. 'let it go, Chaeyoung, it's not real' So she left downstairs. She tried to act normal, she barely talked, though, and she ignored Mina the whole time. When they all got to the dorms, she kept ignoring her, she couldn't go to their room, they will be alone there, she was not going to be able to deal with that, so she escaped, she just left. 

She spent the whole day in the library. It was weird, but she didn't feel like being outside or going to one of her friends, she wouldn't be able to explain what had happened without feeling awfully humiliated. For moments she thought that maybe ignoring Mina was just making everything worse, but she didn't dare to look at her eyes again or to be denied of what had happened, just like everything in her head if she talked to Mina and she had no idea what she was saying, then it would be just like all the fantasies in her head. 

'She won't remember, she doesn't remember, she was not in her right mind' Chaeyoung kept reliving the events in her head over and over again. She knew she was practically throwing herself a pity party, maybe she could just go and face Mina, but she was not strong enough. Chaeyoung was strong most of the time, but this was just different, she had never felt like that. It was complicated, what if Mina didn't remember a thing, that would be bad, but then what if Mina did remember and it meant nothing to her, that would be worse. Yeah, Chaeyoung was not going to figure that out, not anytime soon she wasn't, so she stayed in the library the whole day until it was really late. She needed to sleep, she had received a text from Mina, she knew the girl was going to be waiting for her, how could she go there? But she needed her things. It took her so much courage to finally go into her room. At the sight of Mina, her heart immediately felt heavy. 

But then she just ignored her. 

"Chaeyoung." 'I love her voice'

"Where have you been?" 'avoiding you'

"Can we talk?" 'no'

"Why are you ignoring me?" 'you should know that'

"Chaeyoung." 'Mina'

"I missed you." 'right' 

"I miss you..." 'I miss you too'

"I'm sorry." 'about what?'

"Please talk to me." 

It was hard, it was really hard, but she ignored each and every single thing Mina said. If she talked she would end up crying, she didn't want to cry in front of Mina. She went to bed as fast as she could, it felt weird being close to Mina again, but they were actually really far. She wanted Mina to hold her. She wanted Mina to make it right, but that was not going to happen. She barely slept that night and she woke up really early, just to leave before Mina could try to talk to her again. 'you're a loser, Chaeyoung'.

But she needed to get herself together, so she went to classes and tried to ignore her feelings. Nothing was going to change if she kept paying attention to them, it would be the same. By the middle of her class, she got another text from Mina. 'Maybe I should answer, I'm being childish'

From Only Mina 12:03 pm
will u ignore me forever?
please

Chaeyoung felt bad, she was starting to regret her reaction. After all, Mina was drunk, drunk people are dumb, maybe Chaeyoung was being too hard on her. She sighed and left her phone. When classes ended she got a call from Dahyun.

"Hey," she answered. 

"Chaeyoungie, where are you?"

"I finished my classes for the day, I'm going to eat now, on my way to the cafeteria."

"Awesome, I'll wait for you outside, I'm with Tzuyu." 

"Great, I'll see you." 

Maybe being with them was going to help her get distracted. She had a lot of things to ask both of them because her night might not have been the best, but she was sure they had had a great night, so she wanted to know about that too, as long as they didn't talk about hers. She spotted Dahyun and Tzuyu waiting for her by the entrance. 

"Hey, Chaeyoungie, how were your classes?" Dahyun greeted her. She also got a smile from Tzuyu. 

"Been better," she tried to not look so down, "how are you, guys?"

"I'm hungry, honestly," Tzuyu answered. "Let's go inside." 

"You just want to see Sana quick," Dahyun made fun of her. "Don't use food as an excuse." 'Sana? oh, no' Chaeyoung had a bad feeling, maybe she should run now before it was too late. 

"Whatever," Tzuyu didn't care, "let's just go." She grabbed Chaeyoung's shoulder guiding her inside along with Dahyun, they got their food quickly, and on their way to a table, she could see how her bad feeling was true. She felt weak on the knees, she wanted to leave, she couldn't eat there. Dahyun hadn't mentioned that they were going to eat with them, she had not thought of that possibility now that Tzuyu was dating Sana and well, whatever had happened the other night with Momo and Dahyun, but they were all close now. ''

Chaeyoung was not going to leave just like that, it would be weird and she had already got her food, there was no other solution, besides, she had been thinking of not ignoring the girl, maybe it was not going to be that bad. She took a deep breath before sitting with them. She sat next to Tzuyu, Mina was in front of her. They had not made eye contact. 

"Hey, beautiful girls," Dahyun greeted. "Lovely day." 'so cheerful, Dahyun, please' 

"Hello guys," Sana answered. "Hi, Tzuyu." Chaeyoung was not really focused, or she was, trying not to be. Either way, she just waved her hand as a greeting. Her plan was to eat as normally fast as she could without raising suspicion and leaving. Mina's presence was making all her mood progress go away. 'Okay Chaeyoung, just eat' 

Her friends were talking, but she was in her own world, she heard Mina's voice once, it had been enough to make her stomach feel weird. It was getting harder to be there by the minute. 'you're so weak, Chaeyoung'

"Chaeyoung," she heard Dahyun calling for her 'not now' 

"What?" She turned to look at her. She could see Momo's and Sana's confused faces too. 

"We've been talking to you," Dahyun explained. "Are you okay?"

'No, I want to leave' "Yes, sorry, I'm just distracted," she tried to smile but she was sure it had not looked like that. 

"Is it because of the breakup?" Sana asked in her sweet voice. "You can talk about it, Chaeyoungie." 'God, Sana you're so nice but why, why?' 

"What break up?" Tzuyu asked. 

"Oh," Sana realized she had talked a bit much than she should. 'this is going wonderful' Chaeyoung was getting annoyed. 

"I- It's not-" Chaeyoung stuttered, she wanted to explain but it was getting stupid keeping up with this lie. 

"Sana," Mina suddenly spoke, making Chaeyoung's heart stop. 'oh, no, no, no'  "I sent that text." 

Chaeyoung was looking down at her food, she wanted to leave, why was all this happening, there was no need to tell Sana. It was embarrassing. 

"What do you mean, Minari?" Sana's sweetness made it all a thousand times harder. 

"Chaeyoung was not seeing anyone, I made it up," she said in a quiet voice, but there was determination in them. 'god, Mina, there was no need'  Chaeyoung felt awful for Sana now. 

"Can someone explain what's going on?" Dahyun complained. 'I'm so sorry, Dahyunnie, I'm just stupid' 

"Why would you do that, Mina?" Momo asked this time. Chaeyoung could not see their faces, she was just hearing emotions. It sounded like disappointment. 'there's no point asking Mina why, Momo, she never knows why' 

What could Mina answer, the truth was that Chaeyoung had asked her to make Sana be less intense, it worked, but she had not wanted to use a lie like that or be so direct.  It was all Mina's idea. Chaeyoung didn't want them to get mad at Mina but she was also embarrassed and didn't want them to know that it all had happened because Sana was being too intense. What would Tzuyu think? Chaeyoung felt she needed to say something. But then, a voice called for Mina. A man's voice. Mina got up and for the first time, Chaeyoung lifted her head to look at the girl. She was looking at some guy, some guy that had flowers and a big smile. Chaeyoung felt something she had not felt for Mina until now. She felt jealous. 'who's this guy?' 

"Kwan." Mina's voice was of surprise. 'Kwan?' 

"I've missed you," he said, handing the flowers. 'the '  Mina received them and moved the guy to the side a bit, getting away from the table. Chaeyoung's head was spinning, everything had happened so fast. Her breathing was too fast. 

"Who's that?" She asked a bit more serious than she had intended. 

"That's Mina's sweetheart," Sana answered. 'what?'

"Perfect Kwan," Momo added with disgust in her voice. "He comes once in a while."

'Kwan, Mina's sweetheart, he comes once in a while' 'Mina has a boyfriend'

Chaeyoung had not realized but she was holding the table too hard, she was biting her lip, she felt dizzy.

'Mina has a boyfriend, of course she does, how could she not' 

She felt a hand on her shoulder, maybe from Tzuyu but she didn't turn. She was not hearing anything, only the ringing in her ears. She felt nauseous, she needed air.

'how could I be so stupid? she has a boyfriend, of course' 

Chaeyoung got up and left real quick. Maybe their friends had called for her, but she had not heard a thing, the only thing on her mind were the same words over and over. 'Mina has a boyfriend, how could she not have a boyfriend, perfect Kwan, of course' 

It didn't make sense, but Chaeyoung was not making sense. She was feeling stupid, she barely got to her room, she went inside the bed covering her head, she was hiding from everything, she felt small. 'I'm no one, how could I've thought that Mina could see me as anything else than just a friend, why did I let her hold me, why did I hold her, why would she look for my arms every night, she was playing with me, she had a boyfriend, it was all in my head, I knew it' Chaeyoung knew it, then, why was she feeling so betrayed?  She was so angry she wanted to cry, scream, break something. She wanted the words to leave her head, it was horrible feeling like this. 'Nayeon was right, Nayeon is always right, I shouldn't have felt, I got hurt, of course she has a boyfriend'  Chaeyoung didn't know how but she fell asleep like this. She had many weird dreams, she felt her body heated during moments she was barely sleeping, it was uncomfortable, she had no notion of time.

Then she heard Mina. 

"Chaeyoung," Mina said softly. She didn't want to see Mina, but she opened her eyes a bit, it was dark outside, and in the room too. "You didn't turn on your light," she stated while doing it. "Chaeyoung, please talk to me." Chaeyoung felt her breathing was changing, she felt sick. Suddenly Mina put her hand on her forehand. "You're burning." She left Chaeyoung's side to go look for something, she returned with a wet towel and she put it slowly on Chaeyoung's head. 

"Don't," Chaeyoung said for the first time. Her voice was weird. She tried to get up and remove the thing, but Mina held her shoulders. 

"You are not feeling well." Mina's voice was still really soft. Chaeyoung didn't say anything, she was mad. Suddenly she felt Mina's hand trying to grab hers. That made her react, she was not going to stand this, she got up in a quick movement, Mina looked surprised. For the first time, she looked at her in the eyes. 

"Don't," she stated again. Her tone was serious. She moved to the other side of the room by the desks, she could see the flowers perfect Kwan had given her. She felt like throwing them. 

"Chaeyoung, I'm sorry." 

"For what? What are you sorry for? You have no idea, you never know anything, you just do things, you never think." Chaeyoung was having difficulty breathing and she was shaking a bit, but she was determined to speak her mind. 

"Let me explain." 

Chaeyoung was so angry. "What could you possibly explain, Mina? That you just wanted someone to hold you at night because your boyfriend was too far away?" At that Mina's eyes opened wide, she tried to get closer to Chaeyoung, but Chaeyoung moved. "No, stop it." Chaeyoung's voice was being louder. "Don't you understand that? Not even sober? Stop it." She kept shaking, her voice sounded shaky too. "Stop playing with me." 

"I didn't, you-"

"Everyone was right, everyone told me, I was a fool for you, I felt for you, I thought- I, I really thought you were feeling something for me too, but you were just-" Chaeyoung took a deep breath. "How could I thought you would ever like someone like me? You don't like anything weird, you are too perfect for that like perfect Kwan." Chaeyoung had completely lost control over her actions and words, she just spat everything that came to mind, she could see Mina staring at her completely speechless and that was only making her feel worst. 

"Chaeyoung, Kwan is-"

"Please, Mina! That's enough, I can't keep fooling myself, you know what, it's not your fault, of course, it's not your fault, it's all on me, I let myself fall for you." Chaeyoung got closer to Mina. "I knew it was all in my head, I knew it was not real, but why did you have to make it so believable? Why, Mina? But you just never know why, right?" Chaeyoung felt tears on her cheek, Mina extended her hand, probably to try and wipe them away but Chaeyoung turned around and left the room.

Outside she was still shaking. She couldn't go back now, her mind was not working, her first instinct was going to Nayeon, but she felt too embarrassed, besides Momo was there. She felt lost. She didn't want to explain anything to Dahyun and Tzuyu either, so she went to Jeongyeon's and Jihyo's room, it was in the same building and they wouldn't ask her much, they would give her space, she could convince Jeongyeon not to tell Nayeon, yeah, she was going to stay there, there's no way she was going back to her room. 

So she knocked on the door. Jeongyeon opened, she saw how bad Chaeyoung looked, so she hugged her immediately bringing her inside and closing the door. 

"You're shaking," Jeongyeon lamented. "Chaeyoungie, breathe." She kept holding her while patting her back softly. She did feel slightly better in Jeongyeon's arms. Chaeyoung was a cry baby, she was weak now, small, she never showed herself like this, it was embarrassing but she was not being herself. 

She heard Jihyo's voice but her vision was blurry. "Bring her to my bed." 

"She has a fever," Jeongyeon obeyed carrying her. 

"It'll be fine, Chaeyoungie," Jihyo said once Jeongyeon had laid her on the bed. 

"It won't," Chaeyoung said between whimpers. "It won't." She could hear Jeongyeon and Jihyo whispering things, she was not sure what, but she heard the word Nayeon so she tried to talk again. "No, no Nayeon." 

"Chaeyoung, I'm sure Nayeon would like to know if you're in a bad state," Jeongyeon tried to reason with her. It was true, but she felt ashamed. 

"She'll laugh." 

"She wouldn't do that, think about it, she loves you." It did make sense, Nayeon had been mean to her just so she wouldn't end up like this, but now that it had happened, she wouldn't treat her badly. 

"She- She said she wouldn't have me crying in her room, she told me, she warned me." 

"This is not her room, it's okay." Chaeyoung felt cold, she hadn't stopped shaking, she closed her eyes for a second, that apparently was more than a second because when she opened them again Nayeon was sitting on the bed she was. Chaeyoung tried to sit too, she didn't want to look so decomposed for some reason. She looked at Nayeon eyes even though her vision was still blurry. The shaking had stopped a bit. 

Nayeon just kept looking at Chaeyoung before asking, "Is it because of her?" Chaeyoung just nodded and Nayeon leaned to hold her, Chaeyoung hid her face in Nayeon's neck, it felt like home. She really did need Nayeon. She kept saying words without context and breathing weirdly but after a while, she had completely stopped shaking and no more tears were falling from her eyes, she just felt empty, tired and her head ached. "You need to sleep," Nayeon told her while letting go of her embrace. 

"Nayeonnie, I'm sorry." Chaeyoung's voice was now almost normal. 

"I won't say I told you so," Nayeon caressed Chaeyoung's left cheek. "I know feelings are complicated, it's okay."

Now that Chaeyoung was aware of her surroundings and herself, she realized Jeongyeon and Jihyo were still there, looking from the other bed. She wondered if they knew what was happening with her. She turned to them. "I'm sorry guys." 

"You don't have to apologize," Jihyo reassured her. "You can come to my room shaking and crying every time you want." Jihyo was joking, Chaeyoung felt like laughing but her laugh came out like a weird sound.

"Is there anything you want to get out of your system, besides tears?" Jeongyeon asked with concern on her face. She wanted to know if there was anything Chaeyoung wanted to talk about, but what could she say? It was all so mixed in her head.

"Will it pass?" She asked to no one in particular hoping they understood what she was talking about.

"Heartbreak passes" Jeongyeon got it. Chaeyoung felt that wasn't true, she wanted to trust Jeongyeon but her heart was hurting so much. That night she fell asleep in Jihyo's bed with Nayeon by her side, she felt so small and incapable, it was overwhelming. The night of the party she had cried herself to sleep because she wanted all the fantasies in her head to be real, but now she had cried because it was clear that it wouldn't happen. She tried not to think about Mina but it was hard, she kept thinking about all the things she screamed at her, or the ones she remembered. Mina was alone in their room, it didn't sound right. Did Mina care about where Chaeyoung was? That was something that wouldn't leave her mind either. 

But what she also felt that night, besides the breaking of her heart, was loved. Loved by her friends, they were here for her whenever she needed them. They had not doubted to hold her, they had not questioned her, or judged her, she felt grateful and safe. 

The next morning they didn't wake her up, she didn't go to her classes either, she knew she was going to have to get up sooner or later but right now, she was too tired to try.