That day Mina wanted to get home to hide in her room but her mother made sure to make it clear one last time that as her daughter there was no way she could make these kinds of mistakes again. Mina didn't answer back this time, it just hurt too much and she knew she had to be perfect. After that, they didn't talk at all about it. There were many things she didn't understand but she came to the conclusion that she deserved it all.

She checked her phone too. She had indeed many lost calls from Chaeyoung and texts asking where she was and also explaining what had happened which Mina spend all night trying to make sense of. 'she likes you' How could that be? Mina got recently that Momo was in fact into girls and she didn't mind, really, why would she mind? But like her? How? Why? Since when? It just didn't make sense. But the truth is she trusted Chaeyoung. At that moment, seeing the two of them was really shocking but Mina had been crying all morning and the previous night Chaeyoung had tried to break up with her. To all that add that Mina was never the best at reacting in good ways, she was not in a good place either, it was easy for her to just see it all wrongly. Awfully wrong.

But now that all of it had happened even if it didn't make sense, she wanted to believe that neither of them was capable of going behind her back. It was a thought that was constantly on the back of her mind that made her drift off more than accustomed. Guess who doesn't like it when Mina loses focus.

"Mina," She heard the impatient tone of her mother. Turning her head to look at her she saw how she had an expecting expression. She must have been calling her name more than once but Mina had no idea what they were talking about. They were having lunch but Mina had been just fidgeting with her food. "Kwan is picking you up."

"Why?" Mina said without thinking but then seeing her mother across her raising her eyebrows she knew that was wrong. Clearing she corrected her answer, "What time should I be ready?"

"Around four." 'great' Since that day at her dorm a few days have passed, she got texts from Sana too. She answered because she felt she owed that much to her. They were friends. In fact, Sana was the only one that had done nothing wrong to her, ever. So she answered but only to lie. Saying she was fine and that she shouldn't worry about her and that was it, after that she ignored the conversation.

Winter break had started and Christmas was around the corner. During all that time Mina had fallen into this state of just giving simple answers, sleeping a lot, and eating few. But her mother had decided to ignore why all of that was happening and acted all worried towards Mina like she was just having a bad moment. She encouraged her to not be so much in bed, she was constantly preparing her full meals, looking for conversation but ignoring completely if Mina tried to talk about that other topic, so she gave up really easily and finally, Kwan.

It was quite ridiculous, Mina thought, that her mother had said she didn't mind if Mina didn't like Kwan, that it was okay. But now she used him worse than before. He was there almost every day. Her mother even asked him to drive, guide, and wait for her when she had to go back to campus to give her last exam, that Mina was sure it didn't go so well. And he happily complied.

Now Mina decided she had had enough with her food and stood up to get ready. 'The sooner the better' Her mother got up too and called for her again. Mina just sighed and turned. "Honey, smile, would you?" She got closer to her and caressed her cheek. "Put some make-up on, alright? I love you." It hurt. Whenever her mother said that it hurt. Because Mina knew she only loved the side of Mina she chose to see and not all of her. Mina loved her mother. She really did, right? How could she not? But her mother didn't love her back even if she said it to her every day. Mina was sure.

So she just faked a smile and left to her room. Every day was the same. Almost as if nothing had happened. Not in front of the eyes of her mother at least. Mina got ready, put on some nice clothes, some make-up, and just waited until he got there. Making small talk with her mother showing his charming smile. 'how lovely' After a while, they were both in his car ready to leave. It felt wrong. But Mina couldn't help but think that she was being rightfully punished so she endured it all.

The truth is Mina didn't mind much going out with him. They had spent many days on different dates the past week, it was not that bad. Since that day she lost it in front of her mother and Kwan saw her cry, he's been different. A lot less... Kwan. He was quite caring even. He talked less about himself and actually let Mina decide where to go, what to do and when to leave. So Mina didn't mind him, Mina mind that her mother forced them and it was only because she thought while being with Kwan, she was not going to feel like going with Chaeyoung, right? Which was wrong. But her mother believed Mina could be cured. And Mina was starting to doubt many things again, she felt weak. It was too easy for her mother to get inside her head, of course, she was her mother. And Mina needed to do good for her family. 'And just forget her.'

It was weird this new Kwan. Mina always thought he was nice, though, except when he wasn't. And now he was being quite a real gentleman, almost as if he was afraid of Mina crying again. For Mina, right now, this was being the only not that bad thing in her life, and in their outings, she even stopped being so in her head. Maybe her mother had a point.

"Ready?"

"Yeah."

And they left. Today they were going shopping. Why? Because Kwan had an important meeting in a few days and he wanted to look accordingly. Mina found that admirable. She liked in a way how Kwan was always so well dressed and how he cared for his appearance.

He didn't talk much now, only the normal amount, and they could have a good conversation. He was quite less touchy, not that he was ever that much but it was enough to annoy Mina. So she was really thankful for that. They spend some hours looking for suits in different stores and now they were looking for ties. Kwan was concentrated on finding the ones he liked.

Mina was not having a bad time. It was okay. She liked not being home and it was better than just probably be crying in bed. Looking at him she couldn't help but wonder why couldn't she just like him. Kwan even just standing there with his eyebrows furrowed and his hand on his chin looked so handsome. Mina got lost in thought eyeing him. His dark hair was nicely slicked back and he had a strongly defined jaw. Every feature on his face was just right. Mina knew he was really attractive. 'Then how come I don't find him attractive, he is' Mina was arguing in her mind. 'He really is, he treats me nice too... maybe I should put some effort, shouldn't I?' She fixed her eyes on his lips. They didn't look enticing. Weirdly, she had never kissed him. Even if he had tried a couple of times, he always understood no for an answer. 'Should I kiss him? Would I feel something? I should feel something... no, you've already tried that, Mina'

"Blue or Turquoise?" She had been drifting off again. The voice of Kwan brought her back.

"Oh," Mina looked at the ties and then at one he had not picked, "this one," she said moving and grabbing a silver one. "It would look nice with the suit." She meant that.

"That's right," Kwan smiled at her. 'His smile is so perfect too...' "Thank you."

Mina just smiled a bit too. After all, he had been really nice to her these days. Once Kwan had bought everything he needed and Mina tried to keep focus but kept thinking about why she couldn't just like him they decided to eat something and just like that it was time to go back. Mina didn't find that appealing but nothing was of her liking these days. Things were just happening and she was in the middle.

"I'll look ravishing, won't I?" Kwan said jokingly once they had parked outside Mina's house. But Mina didn't react to his joke so he cleared his throat awkwardly. "Mina..."

"No, yes, you will." She stopped looking at her hands and fixed her eyes on him. They were in his car on their respective seats at the front.

But Kwan didn't look annoyed, he looked worried. "No, it's..." He was hesitating. Kwan never did that. "Can I ask you something?"

It made Mina intrigued. He had been acting differently, yes, and now this. "Of course."

"That day," He began and Mina felt nervous now. She knew exactly what day. "You looked uh, quite upset" The choice of words was measured, Mina knew she was more than just upset, it was a bit embarrassing now to think how much she had cried in front of them. "And..." Mina was a bit confused, she didn't understand what could Kwan want to say with all that and he was speaking so not like him. "The thing is, are you okay?"

"Uh, I-" Mina found it weird that it was only that what he wanted to ask. She was not okay at all but why would he take that much trouble asking.

"I know you don't like me," he suddenly interrupted her. Mina got taken aback, she didn't know what to say to that. Then he laughed a bit. "Don't worry, it's okay. And uh, I know you probably never will but I-" He stopped a bit and fixed his hair that really didn't need more fixing. He was nervous. It was so different. "Mina, I do care for you." It was so hard for him to say all that somehow. "I guess what I'm trying to say is that you can trust me if you need anything, I know I'm not the smartest or kindest or, yeah, okay, I do have a lot of flaws but I really don't want to see you cry again, I'm just here for you, okay?" It was a bit funny now. Seeing him struggling to be honest. And what he had said, made Mina feel a bit better for a second. She felt like she could trust him.

"That's uh, that's really nice of you to say."

"I mean it."

Mina just sighed. "I'm not okay," she confessed. "But I don't think I'll ever be"

By saying that, Kwan moved on his seat showing interest in her. "But why?"

Why. It had taken her so long to know why but Mina couldn't say why. It was forbidden. No one else could know, she was not allowed to say it. She was not allowed to feel it. She didn't know what to say. She was supposed to change how she felt. She was supposed to forget. 'Maybe...'

"Alright," Kwan talked less seriously now, realizing it was a sensitive topic. "Alright, don't worry, just know that," He said and moved energetically to remove Mina's seat belt. He always did that. But for some reason, Mina stopped him. It was an impulsive decision, yes, but she had been feeling so lost. 'Just forget her...'

Close. They were close. Mina couldn't help it, she had been looking at him this way all day. She didn't exactly want to kiss him. But she wanted to know if there was a possibility of feeling something. Anything at all. She had her hands on his shoulders and her eyes were fixed on his lips. She only needed to close the space in between them. It was fast. She just closed her eyes real tight and parted her lips to kiss him for a few seconds. If someone had seen them, they could have easily described Mina's actions as part of a penalty. When she pulled out he had a smile but a confused face.

Nothing. Nothing at all. She didn't feel a thing. No heartbeat increasing, not tingling sensation, it was even dry and Kwan's lips were not soft at all. He tried to kiss her back but it was so wrong. She even hated how much she had disliked it. "Sorry," she said. And looking at his new expression, he probably realized that Mina had not enjoyed it or meant it.

"You really don't like me, do you?" He half-smiled. "Okay, don't answer that, I know. Just go home now." He looked okay with everything. It made Mina feel less guilty about having used him.

She was about to leave, feeling quite embarrassed, but then she realized something. "Kwan, " she looked at him confused, "if you know I don't like you, then why do you keep coming?"

"Because," he answered looking away, "I know your mother would set you up with someone else and I know you wouldn't like that. So it's better if it just me, right? And also, you've never told me to leave which is..." He sighed. "You are your own person, Mina, you have to know that."

Mina was impressed. That was actually nice, wasn't it? All this time. He knew she didn't like him at all but he had stayed because he knew Mina didn't like the setups. And he practically said that he would've left if she had asked, which Mina hadn't. She felt a bit stupid, but then, she wasn't supposed to deny it, right? She had not asked him to leave because she couldn't, right? Either way, now she was impressed, she had no idea Kwan really cared for her. Kwan apparently knew her. It made her feel a bit bad that she instead had no idea about him.

"That's..." Mina didn't know what to say. "I didn't know."

Kwan laughed lightly. "I told you, I want you to be happy, see? You can trust me."

Mina felt touched. He was actually being honest with her. She felt less lonely. Surprisingly he was showing this whole other side that Mina never paid attention to.

"That day when we were going to have lunch but..." Mina wanted to know why he seemed so nice but had acted so badly towards Chaeyoung. 'Is he just homophobic?' That kind of thought made her feel so sad. She didn't want Kwan to be like that now, deep down she liked spending time with him and maybe he could be reliable. Mina needed someone. And thinking about that day and her, was quite sad too. "Uh, I left, why were you so...?"

"Like an ?" Kwan helped her. "I know I was mean, I'm sorry, but I really did it because of you. You know everything I said was true." Mina knew. Everything he had said in relation to her mother was right, even if it had sounded so bad. "Also... I know you asked me to not say anything to your mom and I tried, but she asked me how it all went so I just said I met your roommate and that it was really nice, did that cause any trouble?" He asked really worried. It made Mina regret everything she had thought about him. Yes, he acted awfully with Chaeyoung, and yes, he was still an idiot but he tried in his own idiotic way to be good to her. 'At least...'

So she lied, "No, it was okay."

"I'm glad," he smiled. And Mina thought that maybe she shouldn't have lied. Maybe Kwan was right and she could trust him. But she had also thought for a second she could trust her mother and that didn't go well so she kept quiet. "You should really go in now before she comes out first"

He was right. So Mina thanked him for the trip, his words, and left. Once inside she didn't see her mother and it was great. That way she didn't have to answer silly questions and just went to bed. After taking a shower, putting on her pajamas, and hugging the little penguin she left a big breath.

There she could let her mind wander peacefully. The first thing she reflected on was Kwan. The things he had said to her today, really surprised her. Mina always had thought that he was quite nice. Stupid but nice. And now it was so weird to think that he was actually trying to make things easier for her, sort of.

'I kissed him' Mina didn't want to. It sounded so wrong and then it felt so wrong. But she kind of needed to make sure. Her mother's words were affecting her too much these days. But it was worse once she could see once again that she really didn't like him. She couldn't feel any type of attraction towards him. He was just Kwan. Charming, handsome, constant, apparently not-so-self-centered Kwan.

So yeah, they have spent all these days hanging out and today she had kissed him and he had been really nice but he was still just Kwan. And at the end of the day, even if Mina had been so distracted, all she could think of was Chaeyoung. Even if she was not supposed to.

Because she missed the girl so much. Mina was sure what she had said to her that day at their room was one of the hardest things she had ever had to say. Probably more than when she had tried to explain to her mother how she felt. Why? Because she had taken so long realizing she was not confused, not wrong. She took so long to accept how she felt for her. It had been so hard to let herself feel for her and it had been so hard to make Chaeyoung believe her words that now having had to say all that, it was so stupid.

Mina couldn't stop seeing Chaeyoung's hurt face every night and it was her fault. From the very start, all she ever did was cause trouble in Chaeyoung's life. She knew. Mina knew how selfish she had been. From the start, Chaeyoung had been too good and she had never deserved her. It was only natural for everything to have drifted apart. Every piece of their fantasy was meant to be broken. Mina was hurt but it hurt even more when she thought about how much damage she had brought to Chaeyoung and then she felt even worse because there was no point feeling sad over something she had done. It was all wrong in her head. Once again, Mina was the worst mess ever.

She could only hope that Chaeyoung had not believed what she had said, right? 'I believe in you' Chaeyoung's words echoed in her mind. 'I know one day you'll be brave enough' If Chaeyoung had said that to her, it meant that she understood the position she was in, right? Chaeyoung always did. But then maybe it was better if she didn't. If she just forgets her. Because Mina couldn't be for her what she wanted. She wanted to make the girl happy as much as Chaeyoung did for her, but it was impossible so there was no point in hoping Chaeyoung would still want her because it would be a hopeless wait. And Mina has been trying to forget about it all too. 'Just forget her, erase everything.' But that seemed impossible.

'Coward...' That's how Mina felt. And always had. It was only next to Chaeyoung that for a moment she really thought she could be any different. But in the end, she was here. Crying every night over something only she could fix but wouldn't dare to.

So after feeling all sad, the other thoughts that came to mind were the results of not wanting to keep feeling like that. Anger, frustration. It was easier to think Chaeyoung didn't want her, even if deep down she trusted her and believed her words, it was easier to fool herself into thinking that she had betrayed her and that Momo actually liked Chaeyoung and not her. Of course, she didn't deserve Chaeyoung. 'she broke up with me, she did, stop thinking about her.' That's what Mina kept saying in her head to try and be mad. But it was pointless, if Chaeyoung had tried to break up with her it was because of her own mistakes, not because she had something with Momo, right?

Either way, she knew she should not be thinking about all that. Because it was mandatory to forget Chaeyoung, to forget everything. Mina knew that. That is how every day she woke up to be nothing but a soulless body; waking up, getting dressed, seeing Kwan, giving fake smiles, getting back home, enduring her mother's questions, crying, falling asleep again, waking up, getting dressed, and like that her routine was almost the same every day.

She had no idea how it got to that. She had no idea why she couldn't just change it. She felt weak and pathetic. But she wouldn't try and break from that routine because she kept repeating that she deserved it. For many reasons. For lying to her mother, for being mean to Chaeyoung, for being selfish, for not liking Kwan, everything Mina had done, she felt it was meant to be punished like this.

And just like that more days passed. Christmas passed and it was the saddest one Mina had ever had. On Christmas, you were supposed to be with that special someone. Mina spent it with her mother and Kwan. There was nothing really special about that. And she kept seeing couples outside, or on tv, covered in snow. Warming each other's hands. Laughing. Sharing.

'is she thinking about me?' On Christmas day, Mina missed Chaeyoung the most. Everything Kwan and she had done, she wanted to do with Chaeyoung. 'Is she cold? Is she alone?' On the other days, she tried to divert her thoughts from Chaeyoung, she put the effort into trying to feel any different. On Christmas day she just allowed herself to be sad about it. 'I miss you.'

And Kwan could tell. Since that day at his car, when he was really honest, Mina started noticing how he was actually worried for her. Whenever Mina showed she was not okay, he tried to make her smile. And when they were both with her mother, he would talk and distract the woman from questioning Mina. She was grateful for that. And she wondered if he had always been like that and she was just realizing it or if it was because she had been really different these days. You could say they were really friends now. Both of them knew there were not going to be feelings involved in their relationship. When they had to go out now it was more comfortable. For Mina at least, and she believed him. And when he was home, it was not her mother who had to call for her anymore, Kwan would look for her, or she would go willingly. It was funny, she thought, because her mother was proud of that; how she seemed to get along with him, but it was not for the reason her mother wanted. In fact, it was the opposite. And Kwan had made it clear that if Mina asked, he could leave, but as long as she needed or wanted, he was going to stay. 'we are friends' he had said one day to her, 'only she thinks we are dating, but we are friends, and when we go out I just want you to spend a good time' So she did, they both did. She didn't ask him to go because she needed him in a way, which looked wrong, but it was true that, now, they both had a great time going out as friends.

She even could see him for who he was and not just the guy she was forced to date. He even seemed younger, not that he was much older than Mina, but she would rather date someone younger than him. The thing is now that they had shared more and she had overcome the prejudices that she used to judge him with, he looked younger, nicer, kinder, human. And Mina really needed that even if she couldn't realize it.

"Are you sure you don't want to talk about it?" Kwan and she were outside in a cute park with nice lights under the dark sky of Christmas night. He had asked the same question. Not that day but days before. And every time Mina doubted if being honest with him.

That day Mina took a long time answering because she doubted the most. Could things be any different if she trusted him with how she felt? It would be worse, right? It was stupid. Mina felt stupid doubting if telling him, of course telling him wouldn't mean anything, but she was so lonely, so lost, and he was the only one always there.

"I can't," she answered. Before more thoughts could cloud her mind.

Kwan had given her his jacket, it was cold, she felt better with it. "Mina, did somebody hurt you?"

Mina took a while with that too. She had felt hurt, yes. But she was the one that hurt Chaeyoung the most, right? Was there someone to blame? Momo hurt her too. It was a tricky question. Her mom hurt her every day. Mina hurt herself every day, even if she was not aware.

"I think I hurt someone." That was her answer. It was risky talking about it with him but if he insisted so much.

"And that makes you this troubled? Can't you apologize?"

The question made Mina a bit annoyed, he had no idea, what could he say. But that wasn't his fault and he was only trying to make her feel better. Mina sighed. "It's not that simple."

"Why?" 'why' It was always why. Mina hated that question now more than before. She just couldn't, that was the answer. That was the answer all the time. She needed to control her emotions right now, making a scene in front of everyone and in front of Kwan couldn't go well.

"It's not up to me." That could work. Mina felt that. Mina felt she was not in control of her own life, she felt she couldn't.

"How come?" Kwan was not going to give it up. "Then who has to apologize?"

"No, I have, but, "Mina didn't want to explain all this, it made no sense, "I can't."

"Ah, then it's a matter of pride, I see."

"No, Kwan, it's not, it's- "Mina got annoyed again, it was frustrating because she knew Kwan was just saying that to mess with her and get more information but she fell for it either way. "I can't apologize because it wouldn't make a difference."

"Why?"

Okay, Mina was most definitely mad now, he just wouldn't shut up. "Because I can't do everything I want."

"Why?"

"Because I can't"

"Why?"

"You have to shut up now."

"Why?"

"I won't talk anymore"

"Why?" 'Okay, that's it' Mina got up from the bench and walked away. Kwan followed and kept asking, "Just give me one good reason."

"No."

"C'mon"

"I just can't"

"Why?"

"Because I have to be perfect!" Kwan had got on her nerves, she just spat that at him turning around.

"Nobody is perfect."

"Great, but I am."

"No, you are not."

"Excuse me?" Mina was impressed. "Aren't you suppose to make me fall for you?" She asked because now they were more confident around each other and Mina didn't stay so still and quiet like before, only obeying him.

"That won't happen, we both know that, I told you, I just want you to trust me."

"Great." Mina turned around to keep walking away. "Then why are you here if you know I don't like you?" She was being mean, she knew why.

"Isn't it obvious?" He kept walking next to her. "I'm your friend, and you need me." That was true. Mina used him in a way too. To avoid more questioning.

"So we really are friends?" Mina knew they were, they even joked around sometimes, but she still had this mask and was hard on him for no reason.

"Yes!" He said almost betrayed. "I told you that day, why the hell would I be here with you on Christmas day of all days if I didn't care for you?"

That made sense. Why was he here? Mina felt weird. But good weird. 'He really cares' Somehow it was hard for Mina now to believe anyone could be good to her just because. Mina stopped walking by a water fountain. She took a while just looking at everyone. Most people were in pairs; couples. 'how lovely' Mina felt jealous. Jealous of everyone that got to walk hand in hand with the person they loved freely. For a moment she felt like running away. Looking for her and then holding her to never let go again. She missed her so much it was overwhelming. The last time she was close to her was the night she cried her eyes out trying to avoid their breakup. It seemed so long ago. She missed her warmth. The last time they shared a kiss, she was not sure, probably that same day but in the morning. She missed the way her heart raced. The way Chaeyoung's heart raced. She missed waking up next to her, her soft lips, annoying her, playing with her, just talking to her it felt so good. Mina couldn't put it into words.

Without realizing she got tears on her face. But Kwan did notice. "Mina," he said. "C'mon, you are clearly struggling with something you can't deal with on your own."

Mina tried to stop her tears. Tried to take little breaths. Tried to stop her thoughts. But it was not working. And the way Kwan kept talking so tenderly she couldn't handle it anymore, turning around quickly, she hid her face on his shoulder.

Kwan's cologne was so strong, she hated it to be honest, but right now she just wanted to hide. And he felt like a safe place, he had proven that much these days.

"Alright, let it all out..." He patted her back. It was funny, Mina thought. That he had said that probably thinking she hadn't cried, but Mina cried every day. "I'm here, I'm here for you, I can help."

"You can't," Mina said. "You can't, no one can."

"I'm sure we can talk about it."

"No," Mina cried. "I can't, I just can't." 'please just stop talking'

"Mina, look at me." He moved her face away from her shoulder holding both sides of her head. "Look at me, you can, you can, alright? Whatever you're going through you don't deserve to do it alone, please."

Mina felt so small, his words really meant something to her. "I miss her," she confessed. She couldn't stop it. "I'm- I- I don't know what to do." Mina shook her head that he was still holding. Her lips were trembling. "I don't know."

He let go of her face and hugged her real tight. Mina hugged him too. "You'll be okay," he said. "It'll be okay." The way he said that; she wanted to believe it possible.

Mina kept crying. He had no idea what was happening but he didn't doubt holding her. It was nice. It was nice to know there was someone there for her. She asked to go, it was embarrassing to be crying, more to be crying there on Christmas night. So they left.

Even if Kwan had tried to keep the conversation and tried to understand what was happening in Mina's head, he understood when Mina asked to not talk about it anymore, she promised one day she'll explain everything to him, she didn't take long in recovering from her little moment, but that right now, it was better to dismiss it.

The simple phrase that Mina had let out without realizing was enough to make her afraid. Had Kwan noticed? She had only said she missed someone, was that bad? Mina sure felt like it. 'reckless'

Some days passed after that, she was grateful to Kwan. But their closeness made her reflect on something else. Her friends. She missed Sana... and Momo.

It was complicated for her to think about that, it was easier to ignore it. But she missed Momo. At least, the Momo of her memories and not the last Momo she got to see. Whatever the truth was, she was mad at that Momo, but past Momo, her friend, that, she missed.

Sitting on top of her bed, she was resting from a tiring day. The year was coming to an end and she had to help her mother in the morning buying stuff for they were having dinner tomorrow. Dinner with her mother, Kwan, and her father, who had not been present for Christmas but was now going to be home. The only one missing was her brother, but he was not going to make it this year for dinner, which was a bit sad considering she had not seen him in over a year and they were not exactly the best siblings in terms of calling each other or asking how the other was doing even if they both missed one an another. Communication was just not the family's forte.

The thing is, Mina was not looking forward to tomorrow's dinner. She was sure something could go wrong. She was certain her mother had kept to herself everything that had happened in her room days ago and then in the dorms. Mina was sure her mother didn't want to talk about that at all. But the woman did put effort into mentioning subtle Indirects about the topic. Not so subtle to Mina anyway, they have been messing up with her mind, even if she knew her feelings were not wrong it was getting hard. So maybe her mother might mention something and that made her scared of what could her father think. For sure he was just as homophobic as her mother. Maybe nothing of the sort was going to happen but Mina couldn't help but worry either way. What brought some light to the situation was that Kwan was going to be there too and she was sure if something were to happen, he could help. That's what he promised and Mina believed him. Even if she still felt terrified at the idea of him being as rejecting as her family, it was easier to think he could be different and he meant it when he had said he just wanted Mina to be happy.

That was her main worry for tomorrow. But right now she was not thinking about that. Right now she was looking at her phone. Hesitating. You see there was someone that had kept writing to her on a daily basis. It was something that also helped to not fall for her mother's mean comments. Mina had not answered, but she read every text. They were like a source of energy. The energy she needed to face every day.

Sana had not stopped texting her. But her messages were not annoying, at all. They were simple. Simple words that Mina kept reading whenever she needed them the most. And right now, she was wondering if answering back. At some point they were all going to see one another again, right? It was another thought that scared Mina, she was not sure what her mother thought about that.

Sana had not asked about the issue, what had happened or stuff, she had not excused Momo or Chaeyoung for the matter, anything. Sana only had sent encouraging words and simple greetings with cute emojis. They made Mina smiled everyday and kind of made her think that this situation was only temporary, maybe she was just here in this state just waiting for when things change. Maybe these sad feelings, this sad routine, was going to pass and she was going to smile again. How? She didn't know. But when she reads those texts, she almost feels like it.

So she was fidgeting with the device while looking at the unanswered texts and kept wondering whether she should say anything. 'I could ask how she is doing... I could thank her... I could ask about Chaeyoung... Would that be weird? It wouldn't., right? Do they all hate me?'

Mina's head was full of doubts. It was tempting, she wanted to break from her routine. She wanted to know about her friends. She wanted to end her passive state, it was affecting her so much. She felt useless, she was old enough to stand up for herself, why wouldn't she just do it.

'Just forget about everything, forget her...' Sighing and throwing the phone away on the bed to stop her rambling thoughts, she lay down on the bed. She had just closed her eyes when she felt a light knock on her door and then the following sound of the door opening.

She thought maybe it was just Kwan, but the room didn't get all filled with the scent of his strong cologne. So she thought it could be her mother but then, she doesn't knock. And the scent that had filled the room, she knew too well.

Standing quickly she was almost holding her breath looking at the intruder. They made eye contact for a few seconds that went by fast and it was enough for her to get all mad. Betrayal, rage, indignation, confusion. Mina was feeling everything at once, walking strongly towards the door she stopped close enough from her. "Get out," she said. "Get out, who let you in?" Mina was not talking loud, she couldn't let her mom know there was something going on, but she talked strongly.

"Your mom, she-"

"Of course she did." Mina was getting more annoyed by the second. "Of course she did, she thinks you're so lovely, now get out or should I go tell her just how perfect you are, just like me." Mina couldn't recognize the way she was talking. She felt like someone else, she was not in control of her emotions and she got frustrated that she was the only one so disturbed. Momo was calmed.

And despite Mina's words, she remained in silence. Mina couldn't stand it anymore and just turned around trying to calm. She hated how she was acting. She hated they were in this position. Momo and she supposedly never fight. They argued once when Sana got Tzuyu's number, then when Mina told her about Chaeyoung, Momo raised her voice at her, and finally at the dorms, what had happened there, apparently all they did now was fight. Mina didn't want that. That's why when she turned around she was trying to think of her real self, not this mad version. And to think about Momo, her friend, not the one she was so mad at. At that moment she felt Momo's arms surrounding her stomach.

"You don't have to forgive me," Momo whispered with her head on Mina's back. "But you need to hear me out, you deserve to know what happened."

Mina inhaled once and nodded slowly, that's when Momo let go of her. She sat on the bed and waited for Momo to talk. The truth is she needed to hear whatever Momo was going to say. It could help with her messy thoughts and she could finally know her version and not just what she had seen or what Chaeyoung had said. Mina was nervous.

And it didn't help when Momo sat too, keeping her distance but still, she added, "I like you."

Mina stood up immediately again and walked to look through the window. Why? She had no idea, she was nervous, what could she say to that? Chaeyoung had told her, yes, but it was completely different hearing it from Momo herself. And it's not like Mina had received many confessions like this one in her life. The guys she had to date, never really cared about that, Kwan was just Kwan, they didn't like each other, and Chaeyoung... that was different. Now she could feel her hands sweaty.

Fortunately, Momo kept talking, "I tried not to," she said. "When I first felt something different than friendship I... I panicked, I tried to ignore it, of course, I swear I did." Everything Momo was explaining now, hit too close to home. Mina knew exactly what she was talking about, she had felt like that for Chaeyoung. "But after a while, I just couldn't suppress it anymore, so it was there, I just never told you, I couldn't..."

Mina understood what she was talking about but she still couldn't understand what that had to do with anything. "So?" She finally said something still looking through the window. "You got mad and decided to go and kiss my- her?"

"I'm ashamed," Momo answered. "That's why it took me so long to get here... I should've come sooner, I should've explained sooner." 'That's true' Mina thought, but then maybe it was better that Mina had some time to calm first, the reaction she was having now was not as bad as what she could have done those days when it was all still so fresh in her head. "It's all a misunderstanding, Mina."

Hearing her name, she turned around to look at her. Momo was still sitting, looking down at her hands. "Enlighten me, then."

"That night I saw you and... Chaeyoung kissing in my room I could feel my heart breaking, it hurt so much, to the point I was not able to get it together, I just- I felt so much envy." Mina didn't feel uncomfortable hearing all this, because it was making so many doubts in her head go away, even if new ones were appearing, Momo was going to answer those too. The way Momo had said Chaeyoung's name, though, that didn't feel so right to Mina, it was evident that the girl still felt some kind of resentment towards her. "The next day when you tried to explain, I was already not being myself and when- when I knew Sana already knew I just couldn't take it anymore, I'm sorry," she said looking up at Mina who got startled by Momo's watery eyes. "I said such bad things to you, I didn't mean any of those, I couldn't, you-" Momo got up now and walked slowly to get close to Mina who was just immobile. "You said you thought I was your friend, I am." Momo had a few tears now, Mina didn't like seeing them.

Swallowing nervously she tried to speak, "I trusted you," she said. Mina was still hurt at the way Momo had reacted to the news, out of everyone she was the only one Mina never doubt was going to accept her. "I wanted to tell you first, I- you hurt me."

Momo looked down again. "I hurt Chaeyoung too," she said. "That day at your room, Mina, we were not kissing, I- I had heard that she had broken up with you and I got so mad again, I just thought that- how-" Momo couldn't explain that apparently, she stopped and looked away biting her lip. Then she spoke again, this time looking at Mina, "How could she do that to you? After everything you must've done to- to get to that point... because I know." With every word, Mina felt something on her stomach, it was not nice. And at the same time, it was. It was because of what Momo was saying, she had felt that too, she could understand how Momo had processed everything. It was because she knew now that Momo didn't hate her and that Chaeyoung had not cheated on her, which she already knew, she trusted her, but hearing it now, it was totally true. "I know how that sort of thoughts might be confusing for you, I know how you think, I know how your family thinks, I know your mom, Mina, I never said anything to you about how I feel because, yes, I was afraid of how you would reject me, but also, I never said anything because- because I didn't want to put that burden in your shoulders."

It was too much information, Mina needed some time to process everything. Even if Momo was pouring her whole heart out in front of her, she couldn't stop thinking about Chaeyoung. The things she had said to her when she saw both of them, how she had reacted to a damn misunderstanding, how much she had hurt her. 'I need to apologize, I need to tell her, she-'

"Mina," Momo said slowly. Mina looked up at her eyes again. "I'm sorry."

"I don't understand." Mina frowned a bit, now having realized everything Momo had said. "Why were you so close?"

Momo took a while before answering, "I... I was sort of threatening her."

"What?"

"I'm sorry, I- I just couldn't understand how you were with her and so I- I just thought at that moment that she had probably forced you to, so I was..."

"Okay, stop." Mina was frowning at her. "That's- that's awful." Mina felt like crying, she wanted to comfort Chaeyoung now. 'And what did I do? I just screamed at her, I- god' "Momo, that's!" Taking a deep breath she tried to calm. "You should've asked me, about how I feel, you should've asked me, not her."

"I know."

"I am my own person! I know what I-why would I've done something I didn't want to?" Mina asked that really annoyed, but then she felt dumb. Right now she was doing something she didn't want. That was true. Kwan had said that too. Mina was her own person but she forgot most of the time.

"I know," Momo repeated. "And I know now how you feel for her, how- how you guys looked that day, I could see it, I messed that up, Mina, I'm sorry, I really am, but she did nothing wrong, you have to know that."

"I know," Mina said this time. "She wouldn't, of course she wouldn't. But that doesn't matter now."

Mina didn't explain more but she felt Momo knew. She might have heard what happened. And she had said already that she knew her situation.

"Are you okay?"

"Of course I'm not okay."

"Mina... do you hate me?"

Mina didn't hate her. She was still mad, yes. Especially now that she knew exactly what she had done to Chaeyoung. But she couldn't hate Momo. She felt sad. "Momo, I don't hate you but why would you do such a thing?" It was weird asking because Mina did those kinds of things too, reacting badly, every time. "Did you... did you apologize to her?" Mina got Momo was apologizing to her, but now she felt it was more important the apology towards Chaeyoung.

"In a way..."

"In a way?"

"I mean, I did, but, It didn't go so well, but I did."

Mina sighed. She felt it was better to not ask more about that. At least she said she did.

Looking at Momo's eyes again, she didn't have more tears, but she still got closer. Regardless of everything that had happened, she missed her friend. Putting a hand on her warm cheek she said, "You are a , did you know that?"

"I know," Momo smiled weakly.

"I've missed you so much." Mina at first wanted to be mad. She was. She didn't want to forgive Momo or say to her how much she had missed her, but that was just her pride thinking. Now she found herself forgiving the girl even if she had not planned to.

Momo looked down again, ignoring Mina's touch or words. "I'm sorry," she insisted. "I'm so sorry, I swear I-"

Mina couldn't stand that anymore, closing the space in between them she hugged Momo tightly. Rubbing her back she added, "That's okay, Momoring, I know you are, you were stupid, yes." Mina could feel how Momo chuckled at that in her shoulder. "You were really, really," she repeated hitting her back more aggressively with every word, "really stupid, but you at least know that."

"I know," Momo answered. "I hate that I hurt you, I don't-"

"Shh," Mina said, "just hug me back."

Momo did. And Mina felt better. Just for a second, she tried to enjoy the embrace and forget about the reason for it. Just for a second, she wanted every worry to disappear. So she had no idea how much time passed as they held each other until Momo talked again.

"Minari," Momo talked softly. Mina hummed as a response. "What I said earlier... the first thing I say..." Mina could feel how Momo sounded hesitant, she knew what she was talking about, but Mina thought they were going to ignore that. Momo backed away a bit to look at Mina. "I know it's weird and-"

"It's not weird, don't say that." Mina hurried to stop her words and held her cheek softly again. It was curious how she was the one saying that, after all the awful things she had said before. All the things she said to Sana or about Sana, that's what Momo knew and that's why Momo never said anything, Mina knew now. But she meant now when she said that it was not weird, not wrong, not disgusting, they were the same, she knew that. 'our hearts beat the same' Mina always remembered what Chaeyoung had taught her. At least when it came to other people, Mina could see that. "It's just..." Mina frowned. Momo was really close to her face. "W- what are you doing?"

She felt nervous, the way Momo had her eyes fixed on her lips, made Mina back away a bit, but Momo followed slowly too. So she used her hands to hold Momo's shoulders. But the girl was still so close to her. Mina was completely petrified now. Static. Had she made something wrong? Had she led Momo on?

Momo just closed the space in between them again slowly. Softly pressing her lips against Mina's. It was not a proper kiss, just a little one, a peck. But she stayed there and Mina couldn't move out of surprise. She closed her eyes out of instinct. She didn't kiss her back, she could just feel Momo's lips on her own. That was not supposed to happen, somehow Mina was malfunctioning. She only managed to have her eyes closed, and her hands that were on Momo's shoulders were not even pushing her away, they were just there. It all had caught her by surprise.

The only thing she could think in that instant was that those weren't Chaeyoung's lips, so it was wrong. It was so wrong, even if they weren't together, Mina only wanted Chaeyoung's lips. But those weren't Kwan's lips either, and that was good. How? This time, even if the kind of kiss was different, Mina felt something. She felt nervous. With Kwan, nothing had happened. This time Mina felt worried. It was all so slow and fast at the same time. But Mina didn't dislike the kiss itself, only that it was happening. 'it's not awful, it's not rough, it's not at all like with- KWAN!' Mina had opened her eyes to examine the situation and Kwan was there by the door.

Pushing Momo abruptly away from her, she moved away from the window. "Kwan."

"I," he cleared his throat, "I was just..." But he didn't get to finish or at least Mina didn't get to hear what he said, because suddenly she felt so scared again and all she could do was leave the room fastly, leaving a confused Momo and probably a disgusted and more confused Kwan. 'he knows too now, he'll hate me too' Mina was about to explode, everything had felt so at ease again and then it got worse. She needed to calm down and when that happened there was one recurring thought. All this time she had not managed to do the one thing she needed to do; she could not forget her. 'Chaeyoung, I want Chaeyoung.'