13: February Blues

Never Together
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Sana's POV:

It was February already, how time flies. It seemed like yesterday when Chewy left JYP and me alone. Tzuyu's reason for leaving is still up for debate amongst Onces and Anti-Fans and Solo Stans, JYP was still battling Chewy with a lawsuit that Chewy filed. She was asking a hefty amount for breaching her contract and defamation combined with negligence of the artists' well being. Twice as a group was silent, even if we attended some shows people will ask us how we felt about Tzuyu's departure and like what we agreed to do, we merely flashed a smile at the reporters and said 'No comment' or 'The case is already under investigation and we will not comment to avoid a biased opinion on the matter' and stuff like that.

I've seen countless reports of Tzuyu and her decision to leave JYP. I've also seen countless of timelines of when this thing happened. Everyone of the articles weren't right, but Nayeon Unnie forbade us to speak to the reporters. We were preparing for our first comeback of the year, we practiced until we were too tired to even move an inch of muscle. We sang our lines if we were too tired of moving. Anything to fill the void Chewy left. As the result of me locking myself and inadvertently causing myself to have Hypothermia, my room couldn't be locked for more than 5 minutes, Jihyo also moved into what was once Chewy and I's room. Jihyo the leader of Twice who is now laying in bed with me, cuddling me for the past hour without any words. It felt like she wanted to ask me about that day but was kind enough not to pry, she allowed me to be in silence which was more often now because Tzuyu wasn't here.

She'd always willingly cuddle me if she sees me sad or not in the mood to go out of our room. Her eyes was always on me even as I tried to practice writing in Japanese Calligraphy. Writing Calligraphy has done wonders for me, it took my mind off the stress of losing Chewy. Not to mention the stress of my fellow members always watching me as if I'd attempted to commit suicide that one time when I hadn't even meant to pass out suddenly. But they were right to keep their eyes on me. None of them knows what's happening in my head. I planned to file for a leave, but decided against it, I even abandoned our family vacation together with our parents, reasoning with them that I couldn't because we were busy preparing and writing songs for this upcoming album at the end of February. It was true, because the lines meant for Chewy fell heavily upon me. Not to mention the song Chewy was assigned to write the lyrics for also fell under me.

It was a good thing, Chewy wrote her lyrics on my laptop that she had access to. Her supposed to be first song but she left. I tweaked the lyrics already, because some words she used were off in rhyming. The words needed to be a little more mysterious which she lacked. Her song was about a lover she would soon leave, promising that she'll watch him or her, so the love interest needs to do her best until the time they meet again. The songs JYP releases had to be ambigous it's always that way, Park PDnim wanted to raise the question of who we were talking about. Almost every song we had there was no reference to the uality of the 'partner' in our songs, it was always baby or babe. A term you can use interchangeably, we only had six songs in total that had the word boy or man. Ooh aah, Cheer up, Candy Boy, Yes or Yes, Knock Knock and Like a fool. The rest were vague descriptions of a partner, who that is, nobody knows, not even us.

"Satang?" Jihyo said eventually.

"Hmmm." I hummed at her as I still sank into her arms.

"You know you can tell me everything, right?" Jihyo asked me.

"Yeah, I know." I said to her.

"So why haven't you told me about what you really feel?" Jihyo asked me.

"Because whatever I feel is trivial to what Tzuyu has felt over the past 6 years. I don't have the right to cry or sulk about it. Not that she told me not to cry, but I didn't cry out of my own accord." I replied with a pause. Jihyo sensing I was about to say something else just kept quiet.

"I mean mine isn't a big deal, she just sacrificed her own career for me, that alone is a burden to me, knowing how much she liked to be a Twice member and an Idol Star. So, I refrained myself from crying, no matter how I felt about the matter, no matter if she talked to me about this or not, I couldn't cry because I owe my existence in Twice at the current time to her. Imagine if Yeji left for you to continue as an Idol star with JYP, you'd try not to cry about it too right?"

"Yeah, I'll try to put on a happy façade, I'll work even more harder as an Idol Star so that her sacrifice isn't in vain. But my difference is, I would cry every night, regretting the choice I made to stay as an Idol Star, because I'd imagine myself leaving JYP too if she left." Jihyo said sadly.

"I'm glad that you opened this up to me, Satang, at least now I understand what's going on in your head. It feels relieving to know that you're not thinking of killing yourself." She replied to me.

"Wae? Wae? Me? Killing myself? God no! I love Tzuyu too much that I'd still spend this lifetime loving her truly even if it means that we will be at odds with the world. I am happy loving her, she makes me happy and warm and fuzzy." I replied.

"That's exactly what I wanted to hear, Sana Unnie. Thank you, for a while there, I worried about you and about what happened when you almost died of Hypothermia. Thank you for clarifying your true intentions, because I wouldn't know had you never survived that, I would blame myself for not reaching out to you and making sure that you and Chewy were okay. I would hate myself Sana Unnie. I love you Satang Unnie, it would hurt me if something bad had happened to you and I am proud that I have a strong Unnie. Let's carry on with our lives as Twice for the next 8 momths, it'd be a breeze." Mic said.

"My dongsaeng Mic, leader of Twice. You don't have to worry about your Sana Unnie, I will survive JYP and be with my Tzuyu in the future. I see myself as her partner for life, so it doesn't matter to me even if I'm in a storm the past month, I would still live through that and eventually find her again and be with her." I replied.

"I wish Chewy knew about this side of you." Jihyo replied.

"Oh but she knows, she knows every side of me and loves every side of me. Even the ugly sides." I said giggling at Jihyo.

"I miss your giggles Sana Unnie." Jihyo pouts cutely at me.

"Aigoo... You missed me? If you missed my giggles, then kiss me." I said pursing my lips and looking up at Jihyo.

"Yah! Satang! Nooooo." Jihyo said as she struggled to push me away.

I stopped at the attempt and continued to cuddle her.

"Thank you, God Leader Mic Jihyo. You never fail to take care of me even though I should be the one taking care of you, I'm your Unnie, don't ever forget. Although I seem to not know a lot of things just as you, remember that I'll try to listen and understand everything. Always remember that, okay Mic? Unnie will listen to all your troubles." I said as I cuddled her into my chest.

"Sana Unnie loves her dongsaeng Jihyo, Forever." I followed up.

"Thank you Unnie. I love my Sana Unnie too, forever and until the next lifetime." Jihyo replied.

"Yah! Park Jihyo! You still have a long way to go, you can't say that." I replied to her.

"We'll never know when one dies. I want you to know that I will love you too Unnie until the next life I would live, who knows tomorrow I'll die and then reincarnate as your child." Jihyo said laughing.

"In this life full of uncertainties, you have to focus on doing what makes you happy everyday, so that when you die, you have no regrets, love your parents and your younger sisters always, live by that." I replied to her.

"Unnie, thank you for reminding me. My Sister's birthday is right around the corner. I need to buy her new clothes, bags and shoes for this upcoming school year." Jihyo said.

"Do you want to go now? While we're on a day off?" I asked her.

"Would you come with me?" She asked me.

It was Saturday and we had no work today. We stopped the intense practices and decided to have a two day off as we are all exhausted.

"Of course!" I replied to her.

"Yey!" She replied.

"Bring along the hirthday girl so she can choose what she wants then after we could have lunch or dinner with her it'd be a good sisterly bonding." I replied to her.

"I've been thinking of asking you, Unnie. I don't know what she wants, there are a lot of new shiny things in the mall these days, I am almost always tempted to give her one of everything." Jihyo smiled.

"Yah and then she could sell the ones she doesn't like for a marked up profit and keep the money for herself." I said laughing.

"Yah! Unnie! Don't ever give her any idea. Just let her be, I like pampering my dongsaengs." Jihyo replied.

"I know, Jihyo. I won't tell her." I replied.

Since I already took a bath, Jihyo got up from bed and went inside our bathroom to take a hot shower. The winter is harsh these days on Mid-March, the season will change to Spring. Tzuyu and I would visit Seoul Grand Park to look at the cherry blossoms when it was sprin

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