How does heartbreak feel like?

To Xiumin, it felt like someone had ripped his heart out and left his chest empty; hollow; numb. It was hard to choose just one word to explain what he was feeling. At first, it hurt. Like ripping off a plaster, the feeling was sharp and raw. But then, he began feeling numb as the pain dulled into a constant aching like, something had got into his chest and was slowly eating what was left of his shattered heart.

He felt empty inside.

Like a burgled house, all his precious feelings were stolen and now, all that was left was an empty shell of what was once a thriving household. He didn't know whether he should be grateful that he was feeling numb instead of hurt or, whether he should be sad that he had lost what had made him happy. He just felt empty and, he didn't know what to do to fill the void that she had left behind.

When he saw Chanyeol and Nami locked in a kiss, his heart broke. He didn't know what to say or what to do. At first, he felt a rollercoaster of emotions: he was confused; sad; angry; disappointed. But most of all, he was regretful that he didn't get to tell her how he felt about her. And now, seeing them together, every day, only deepened his regret. If he wasn't feeling numb, he was feeling heavy with his feelings for her that, he knew he needed to throw away. He needed to discard them because they were a burden to him and, they would be a burden to her too, now that she was involved with someone else.

He wished he could just wake up with amnesia.

At least then, he could forget about his useless feelings for her or, go back to the time before he realised he loved her. He didn't blame Chen or Baekhyun for getting his hopes up; he didn't blame Nami for not loving him back and, he didn't blame Chanyeol for stealing her away. After all, the numbness he felt was self-inflicted: he had done it to himself. He had hesitated to tell her and now, it was too late and she was taken. He had been too slow to act.

So, what should he do now?

Xiumin had been keeping his distance from Nami so that he could sort out his feelings. If he could throw them away, he would have thrown them away two weeks ago, when he found out that Nami and Chanyeol had started dating. But, feelings weren't like that. They stayed with you until you learned to forget about them and Xiumin had been trying to forget about them a lot. He didn't want to make things awkward in the dorm and he didn't want to strain his relationship with Chanyeol. They were still friends, after all. So there was only one other thing he could do.

He was going to go back to how he saw Nami before.

He was going to put back his defences and, build back the walls that she had broken down and start thinking of her as a friend or, even a sister. He hadn't lost everything; Nami never knew. So he could pretend that everything was okay and that they were still friends. But he knew, deep down, that they could never be as close as they were before. Xiumin hadn't lost everything but he had lost something: he had lost her. And even though it pained him, he knew he had to let her go.

It wasn't his job to protect her anymore, he had no right to do so.

As he stared at Nami from afar, he knew that he wasn't the closest person to her anymore. It wasn't his job to defend her from the others' teasing or comfort her when she was sad. No, that was for someone else to do; someone who she had chosen; someone who had replaced him as the closest person in her heart... it was Chanyeol's job now.

~*~

"Do you need some help with your lines?" I asked D.O as he walked past me with a script in his hand.

D.O turned towards me and gave me a small smile. "Oh, no. It's okay, Nami-ah" he replied, before briskly walking away.

I frowned.

It had been two weeks since Chanyeol and I had started our fake relationship and the atmosphere in the dorm had been awkward and strained. Ever since the Gayo Daejun concert, the other members had been subtly avoiding me or keeping their distance.

When I tried to join Kai and Sehun in their video games, they would reluctantly let me play. When I tried to talk to Xiumin in his room, Chen would dismiss me and say that Xiumin was sleeping or really busy. And like just now, when I tried to talk to D.O and help him with his lines, he would always decline.

I didn't understand why the EXO members were suddenly cold towards me. But it did make me feel lonely now, that I only had Chanyeol to talk to. I sighed dejectedly as I sat down on the sofa. What had I done wrong?

"Are you okay, Nami-ah?"

I looked up and to my surprise, it was Xiumin talking to me. We hadn't spoken in so long that I'd almost forgotten what his voice sounded like. A tear welled up in the corner of my eye. "I-I'm fine, oppa." I was so happy to finally be speaking to him.

Xiumin joined me by sitting down, "You don't look fine."

I smiled weakly, "It's just... things have been very different in the dorm lately." I sniffed, "The others have been a little distant."

Xiumin nodded in acknowledgement. "It's probably because they're not sure how to act around you anymore."

"Huh?"

Xiumin made eye contact with me and I saw that his eyes were lacklustre. "They don't know how to act around you especially now that you and Chanyeol are" he paused, "dating."

I was puzzled, "What has that got to do with it?"

"I think the others have become more aware that you're a woman, now that you're with Chanyeol. Before, they probably considered you as one of the guys."

I looked at him. Xiumin's profile was hunched as if he was lost in his own thoughts. "It's gonna take some time to get used to," he told me although, it felt like he was telling himself. "We've all grown close as a family and, we've never had the situation of having two people, that we're so close with, dating before."

I nodded. It was a guy thing. Although I now understood why they were acting distant, I couldn't help feeling sad that the others were treating me differently. It was all because of Chanyeol's lie. "I guess it can't be helped" I muttered.

I felt Xiumin's gaze on me. "I do have an idea that can bring you closer to the others."

I looked up at him.

He continued, "We have a couple of days off coming up. We can use that time to go on a retreat together."

"Like a field trip?" I asked.

He nodded. "We haven't gone out on a trip in a long time. We can bring it up with Suho and see what he thinks."

A field trip, I thought to myself. It sounded like a good idea. I hadn't been out of Seoul since I arrived and it would do the EXO members some good to be in a different environment. I smiled at Xiumin. "It's a great idea."

Xiumin looked pleased.

I stared at him and felt my heart flutter. I was happy that, even though things were awkward between us, he had taken the first step to make things better again. It gave me some hope that he wasn't as affected by the kiss as I had initially thought. I remembered the pained expression on his face and it made me think, did Xiumin feel something for me to make a face like that? Xiumin and I hadn't seen eye to eye in a while so, we never had the chance to talk about what happened in the dance studio that one time. How he was so close to me and how we almost shared a kiss... It made me believe that our feelings were mutual.

He stood up abruptly, "Well, I'll be going back to my room now."

"Wait," I told him, grabbing hold of the hem of his shirt.

Xiumin turned around.

I fumbled, "Oppa, about that ki--"

Xiumin placed his hand on top of my head and patted it softly. I stared up at him and saw that his eyes had a hint of sadness in them. "I have to go, Nami-ah."

Reluctantly, I loosened my grip on his shirt and watched him walk away. I didn't know what it was about his words but, it felt like they meant something more than just a simple goodbye.

~*~

"It's decided then. We're going to the beach!" Suho announced as he counted the pieces of folded paper.

"What? What happened to going to the mountains?" Baekhyun asked. "I wanted to visit my grandma's house this time."

"It's a good thing Lay-hyung ain't here to back you up" Chanyeol smirked.

"The beach, huh" D.O reminisced. "It's been a long time since we all went."

The EXO members nodded.

"Wasn't the last time...?" Kai began but he didn't need to finish. The other EXO members knew what he was going to say.

"What happened last time?" I asked from where I was sat. We had all gathered ar