11 Feb 2012

Eonnie,

During break today, Krystal and Seo Young went to the library. I stayed in class because I wanted to finish some work.

Gary was in class too. I think he was studying me for a while. I just felt it.

Then he came up to me.

“About yesterday,” he said. “I’m sorry.”

I looked up, trying to pretend that I was fine. “About what?” I asked him. He frowned, and the look in his eyes tells me he knows something. But he doesn’t say anything.

It’s not that I don’t want to open up, eonnie. It’s so hard. It’s so hard to tell someone that you killed yourself because it means I’m acknowledging it and I don’t want to. I want to pretend everything is fine and maybe if I pretend hard enough it will be.

 He held eye contact for a while, and then finally said, “It’s okay not to be okay, you know.”

There was a note in his voice that made me flinch. It was like he was talking about himself. I nodded and mumbled a thanks. He walked away.

It is only as I write this to you then I remembered. Yesterday… about the way he said committing suicide is not always a cowardly think to do, and about how it may be the best solution…

It feels like… he had tried it before.