Why did I had to fall in love with you?

No matter how much time has passed,

I thought that you would always be here,

but you have chosen a different path.

[Captain's Point Of View]

I feel the morning sun peeping through the window curtains, making the announcement that morning has arrived and I need to get up and do something productive. I open my eyes and stare at the colorless ceiling above me, feeling no motivation to get up. Forcing myself to seat up, I look around my bedroom, trying to find something to push me forward. But my vision betrays me by ending up on the pillow next to me -the one I've become so fond of- and I feel tempted to go back to sleep. No. Captain. Don't let this change you. I shake my head to get rid of the exhaustion that was starting to creep on my body and go ahead to stand up from my bed. I had an event to attend today; an event with White..

White.. My mind sends me back to the movie date that I had with White and the gang last week and my heart aches at the memory of White and Tina during our dinner time that night. Why did I do what I did that day? Why can't I go back to being myself and accept the things that are happening before my eyes? I knew that as soon as I accepted those things, this pain would leave me and I would be able to move on, but why was I still hurting even after a week had passed?

I release a sigh while trying to bring myself back to the present. I've already admitted that I'm in love with White. I cannot deny this feeling anymore. What do I do next, if you ask me? Well.. right now, I'm trying to accept the fact that this "relationship" won't work. There will never be White and Captain just like there was Phun and Noh. There will never be "we" or "us" in this relationship. Because White is with Tina and Captain is just part of White's working experience. And no matter how painful and hard is to accept these facts, I need to accept them in order to move on. 

I'm changing out of my pajamas when my cellphone begins vibrating on top of the nightstan, bringing me out of my thoughts. I start to make my way towards the nightstan as I put the shirt I'm planning to wear to the event. Picking my phone up from the nightstan, I unlock it to discover over twenty messages asking me whether I'm okay. There's one message from each one of those that were present during that night. And one message for every day of the week that I've been absent. One message in particular makes my heart stop and yet, I keep reading it over and over again. It's from White. He is also checking whether i'm fine or not. Flashbacks of the last time we saw each other come back to me, slapping me with guilt. I acted so mean towards him and yet, he was still looking after my well being. Well, he shouldn't do that. Not now. I need space to forget all of this. Before every step and every breath I took was about him. Now I need to learn how to breathe without him again. I need to do that whether I want it or not. I just got to do that.

Suddenly my phone vibrates inside my hand, annoucing the arrival of a call. Argh.. Who can possibly be calling me now? Can't they leave me alone? I think to myself, feeling pressured. Relunctantly I look at the screen only to find an unfamiliar number with a very familiar photo. "Oh! It's pineare!", I tell myself, feeling surprised. This was the first time she tried to contact me after the sessions concluded. Feeling curious to know what's going on, I can't help myself from answering the call, "Hello, Pineare! What's up?!"

"Nothing much. How are you?", I hear her respond casually and I smile faintly. Hearing her voice for the first time after the sessions concluded cheered me up a slightly bit. I even thought about opening up to her for a brief moment but in the end, I chose to lie, "Doing great. Right now, Im getting ready for an event that I have with White. What about you?"

She takes a small pause as if she is trying to decipher something before speaking again, "I'm doing great too. How are things for you now that the sessions have concluded?" Oh, I guess she is trying to start a conversation with me. That's a little odd, but oh well.. migvht as well distract myself.

"Right now, I'm concentrating on my studies so I have no new projects yet but everything is fine, really. What about you? Any new projects for you and Sing?", I tell her what has been of my life and ask about hers, curiously. I honestly enjoyed the company of Pineare. She was good at listening and good at talking as well. Just like Yuri..

"Nah. Not yet. Hey! Talking about Sing, he told me you and the boys went out for a movie and dinner together last week. He also told me that you left early because you werent feeling well. Are you okay now?",  She asks me, bringing my mind back to where it was before she called me. Oh, so she was calling me for this? I should've known. Sing.. That little snitch! I had hoped that I could distract myself, but in the end thats another thing that I won't have my way. 

"Did he told you that? I was just tired and had a headache suddenly. But I am okay now, don't worry.", I tell her confidently, hoping for her to drop the subject. "Oh, really? But he said you weren't being yourself that day. Is there something that we can help you with?", Yet, she insist. Suddenly, I feel a knot in the throat and tears start to form in the corner of my eyes. 

"No, no, it's nothing really. Thank you for your concern anyways.", Despite my attempt on speaking steadily my voice breaks halfway, making me sound like a liar. I didn't understand why I kept trying to lie to myself and to others. Maybe if I talked to someone about these feelings, I could get over them faster. 

"Hmm.. Okay.. If you don't want to talk about it, it's fine. But.. if you keep hiding your feelings one day you will explode, you know? It's always good to have someone to talk to. And if one day you need that someone, we'll be here, okay?", She tells me in a compassionate voice and I knew I had a good circle of friends around me. They didn't deserve to be worried about me. I needed to pull myself together and remove these feelings as soon as possible. Smiling faintly, I thank her for her understanding. "No worries! Well, I have to go eat breakfast now! Take care!", She hangs up and I slowly put my phone down. Looking at my reflection in the mirror, I give myself a nod. Yeah. I was going to go through this just fine. I was going to get over it soon.

[White's Point Of View]

After a fifteen minute drive from home, I finally spot a crowd of fan girls and recognize the building in which I’ve got an event to attend. Parking some meters away from the location to not grab attention to myself, I turn off my car and take a deep breath to calm my racing heart. Normally, I would be excited before an event but today, I felt more than that; I felt anxious. And the reason was that today, I would see Captain for the first time after our awkward dinner. And although I was excited to confirm whether he was really okay, I also felt scared of what I would encounter in his gaze this time. Was he still angry at me or was I back on his good side? The last time I had seen him, he looked so angry.

I wondered what I did wrong to get that reaction from him. I had thought about it all this time and still had not been able to find an answer. I know I have forgotten about him since the sessions concluded but was that a reason for him to be angry at me? Or was there another reason? I had even started to think that Tina had been right. Maybe he wasn’t so bothered about the time I was spending with him but about the time I was spending with Tina. But was he even in a right to be angry at me because of that? I mean, I understand that I spent too much time with her but that’s because she is my girlfriend and I’m supposed to take care of her. Meanwhile, he is just my friend. My friend.. was he really just a friend to me or..? No, White! Don’t get weird thoughts! Captain is just a friend and nothing more!

Getting out of my car, I start to make my way through the loud crowd, ignoring everyone that surrounded me and concentrating on getting into the building as soon as possible. As much as I loved my fans, my priority right now was to confirm that everything was back to normal. As soon as I enter the building, I meet with a coordinator that welcomes me with a smile. It has the appearance of a woman but by her broad shoulders and masculine traits, I can tell that she wasn’t born as a girl. Not surprised anymore by the big populations of trans genders that surrounded me, I smile back at her and begin to follow her. She takes me to the back of the building and signals me to a room where I suppose it’s our waiting room. She also informs me that our usual makeup artists will arrive in a moment. Nodding my head in understanding and bidding her farewell, I open the door and walk inside the room where I encounter the cause of my concern. Seating in front of the mirror, he has his head lowered and sleeps peacefully. 

Trying not to make a noise that could wake him up, I approach him silently and stop right next to him. Should I wake him up or should I allow him to sleep? As I try to make a decision, I find myself drawn to his beauty. Leaning down to look at him closely, I watch him in mesmerize. His full and pink lips that are always inviting are half parted, small little breaths coming out of them. Meanwhile, his long straight eyelashes fall majestically over his lower eyelids, creating a shadow on his cheeks. His expression is relaxed and his breathing is even.  Just looking at him puts me at ease. That’s one of the powers he holds. That he can make you feel contented by just looking at his peculiar face.

All of a sudden, a extreme urge to sneeze overcomes me and before I realize it, I’m sneezing straight at him. He flashes his eyes open and jumps startled. Once he recognizes me, he leans back and yells in surprise, “White?!” I wave at him with a hand, while my other one scratches the back of my head awkwardly. How to tell him that I just covered him in spit? It doesn’t take him long to realize what just happened. “What the hell?! Did you just sneeze on my face? Eww!”, He curses angrily as he tries to wipe my spit from his face.

"Sorry..", I apologize as I take a handkerchief that I carry in my pocket and try to clean his cheek. He freezes at the moment I begin to clean his cheek throughly and looks at me confused. This reminds me of the stare that Noh gave Phun when he tried to kiss him the first time. I remember I thought that scene was awkward when I read the script. Well, thats how I felt right now. Very awkward. Feeling bothered with his intense stare, I look at him and ask, "What is it?" He shakes his head no, snatches the handkerchief from my hand and continues cleaning himself, "No, its nothing. I was just hoping that you werent carrying any type of virus."

As Captain concentrates on wiping his cheek, I take the opportunity to look for a sign of irritation in his face. But as I stare at him, I realize that his usual carefree expression has returned. This makes me feel at ease because it gave me hope. It gave me hope that everything would go back to normal and there would be nothing to worry about. Without realizing it, a smile forms in my face as I lose myself in my thoughts. When he finishes, he looks at me and furrows his eyebrows. “Why are you staring at me? Is there something wrong?”, He asks me with concern and I shake my head, smiling at him faintly. I’m just glad that you’re alright, that’s all. I pronounce the words in my mind but don’t have the courage to speak them out. 

The atmosphere falls silent once again as we wait for our makeup artist to arrive. But unlike the one from last week, this one is a comfortable silence; like the one we used to have before our sessions ended. As we both seat next to each and stare at our phone screens, I can’t help but to feel at relief because it felt as if we were back to our usual selves.

“White..”, After a while, I’m brought out of my thoughts by his voice that calls my name quietly. Concerned by the sudden low tone, I look at him and hum in response. “I’m.. I’m sorry..”, He apologizes with his face low, making my eyes widen. He was apologizing? What for? Before I could bring myself to mouth my questions, he continues with his explanation, “For treating you so coldly the last time we saw each other. I don’t know why I acted that way. Something possessed me and before I knew it, I had treated you very badly. I’m very sorry, P.” 

My expression relaxes once I hear his explanation and a warm feeling runs throughout my body as I feel touched. It was very nice to know that I wasn’t the only one that felt bad for what had happened. Shaking my head and giving him a sincere smile, I mouthed my feelings, “Don’t worry about it. It’s not entirely your fault. I was also very bad to you. I know that I have forgotten about you a little and understand that you just wanted us to spend time together. But please understand me as well, I couldn’t break my promise with Tina that night. I’m very sorry that it went that way and I ended up hurting you.”

I look into his eyes and for a split second, see hurt in them before he blinks the pain away and smiles at me and reassures me, “You have nothing to apologize to me for. I understand that she’s your girlfriend and you should spend time with her. But I don’t know. In that moment, I just felt a little disappointed. But I have no right over you, so you shouldn’t worry.” What he was saying made sense. He had no right to control how much time I spent with others. But, for some reason, I felt responsibility to take care of him. It was as if there was a part inside of me that wouldn’t be satisfied until I made him happy.  

Suddenly, an idea pops in my mind and before I register it, my mouth is moving by itself, “Then how about we have dinner tonight? Just you and me.” His eyes brighten and he beams excitedly, “Really, P?!” I nod my head and his smile widens, causing my heart to beat happily within my chest. "You wont stood me up again, right?", He suddenly looks at me suspiciously and I shake my head and think about something I never thought about doing. Bringing my pinky finger out, I tell him confidently, "I promise I won't."

Bringing his pinky finger out and interlocking it with mine, he smiles widely. It made me so happy to see him smiling widely like this. He had a very pretty smile and more now, that his braces had been removed. “I’ll call your mother to let her know that I’ll be taking you home!”, I inform him as I unlock my iphone and look through my contacts for his mother’s number. Meanwhile, he clings to my arm and stares at my screen with a broad smile. His nose was wrinkled and his eyes had become a lot smaller. He reminded me of an old man, but despite this, it was contagious and I found myself smiling wider. 

As I’m informing Captain’s mother that I’ll be taking him home, the door flung opens and our two  makeup artist appears. Giving then a smile to greet them, I keep talking on the phone. “Did we interrupt something?”, One of them whispers to Captain with a teasing smile, making Captain let go of my arm and take a straighter position on his chair so they won’t misunderstand. How cute. Now he was blushing.

Once I get Captain’s mom permission to take him to dinner, I hung up and greet our makeup artist. “What is the special occasion for you to take Captain out, huh?”, One of them asks me with curiosity as he places the supplies on the hairdresser and signals me to seat straighter. “I think White doesn’t need special occasion to take his boyfriend out. Aren’t I right, White?”, The other one laughs as he works on Captain but despite the foundation, I can still the red blush that colors Captain’s cheeks.

Finding his embarrassment amusing, I play along and respond confidently, “Of course, I don’t need a reason because he is mine.” His cheeks turn a deeper shade of red and I smile in triumph. Now that I’m assured that Captain is alright, I can finally relax. Closing my eyes to let the makeup artist do his  job right, I allow myself to fall into a light slumber.

[Captain's Point Of View]

Despite the embarrassment I felt when I heard them tease us about our “date”, I couldn’t stop smiling at the thought of having dinner with White tonight. I couldn’t be any happier today. I was going to spend time with him. I was going to hear him talk, I was going to laugh at his crazy jokes, and most importantly, I was going to have him for myself for tonight. It will only be White and Captain. Even though I knew I couldn’t call this a “date”, I couldn’t help to feel as if it was one. 

Thinking of it made my smile grow wider and my heart feel at ease. It was as if I was at the top of the world and anything was possible right now. My mind felt so relaxed and I can feel all the sadness and guiltiness fade into thin air. My smile keeps appearing and my makeup artist keeps on teasing me about it. But right now, I don’t seem to mind it that much. I was going to have a date with the most handsome, crazy and obnoxious person on earth and at the moment, nothing could make my mood drop.

Opening one eye, I take a quick glance at the person that seats on the other chair. It seems he has fallen asleep. His face was relaxed and he looked almost angelic. How come I didn’t notice this before? I had the opportunity to share a bed with him a few times before and yet, this is the first time I had been struck with his beauty. This confirms me once again that I have fallen in love with him. “Ohh~ Watch that mouth! You don’t want any drool to come out of it, do you?”, I hear my makeup artist tease me when she notices that I’m staring at White in mesmerize. Feeling my cheeks blush, I close my eyes and return to my previous position, allowing myself to join White in dreamland.

[Author's Notes]

Hello, everyone~! So its me, Aleyda! I want to apologize again for updating accidentally the other day but this time, guess what?! It's a real update, as you might already know :) It isnt even saturday yet.. Well, it might be saturday for some of you but for some, it might still be friday. Usually, I update on friday at 10 pm, which for Christina is Saturday in the morning. But today im updating much earlier. Its 6:30pm but Im going out and wont be available till 12 and I might be tired to update at 12. Anyways, I hope you enjoy~!