It seems strange to have another person; When I'm thinking about you.

In each kiss, my soul betrays me; Because I'm thinking about you.

How to desist if my heart has decided and I have not.

If you are not for me, may the stars die and may they fall on top of me.

I kiss his lips and they taste of you.

Being with him,  your name I want to say.

How to resist if it hurts so much, the poison of your love.

[White's Point Of View]

It's been three weeks since the last time I saw him.

Three weeks have passed since and the wall I built between the two of us hasn't collapsed.

Ever since that event in which I ed up tremendously, I have followed Captain's wishes and taken a step back, disappearing from his life. If he was so sure that he could live without me, I was going to give him space to test it. I thought that perhaps, with some time, he would come to realize that everything had been a mistake caused by our anger, and come back to me. I trusted that our friendship would be more important than his feelings and that he would end up putting it in first place. I wanted to believe that he loved me enough to wait until I was brave enough to try something new. But it seems I gave myself too much credit. And now, the more time that goes by, the more I realize that I'm not as indispensable in his life as I thought I was. And that, unfortunately, he was better off without me.

I also realize that I'm the one that needs him. I honestly thought that I was going to be fine without him. I just needed to be patient and wait for things to return to normal. But every day that passes, makes me realize how wrong I was. Nothing will ever be the same as he is not coming back. I realize how stupid I've been. All of this time, I've only been selfish and thought about my own feelings, completely ignoring Captain's. It hurts me to remember that I was the one that caused all of this. And now it was my turn to suffer the consequences of my selfishness.

But what hurts me the most is to know how much I really need him. I never thought that I could miss someone this much. No matter how much I loved Tina, I always thought that I could replace her easily. I know it sounds a little insensitive, but it's the truth. I never thought, "Oh, how much I miss her" when I went days without seeing her. But with Captain, its a different feeling as I miss him every single day. 

I missed hearing his cheerful voice and seeing his lips move quickly when he talked about something he was passionate about. I missed hearing his obnoxious laughter that was so natural yet so scandalous and his strange sense of humor. I missed seeing his peculiar expressions and the smell his cologne. I missed feeling the warmth of his skin against mine and being able to touch him whenever I pleased. And beyond all that, I missed him, as the amazing individual he was. Some days more than others, but there was not a day that passed without me missing him.

During the day, there was always something that reminded me of him and at night, he appeared inside my dreams to take me to another world. It was kind of amazing, actually. How real my dreams felt. It was as if he was really beside me. But every time I woke up, it was painful to see the reality. The worse part of all was whenever I was with Tina. In each kiss, I wished that it was him. Whenever we made love, I couldn’t help to think about him. I closed my eyes and felt as if I was deceiving her as I no longer wanted it to be her. And that was no longer normal, I knew it. I was having indecent thoughts about another guy, for god sakes!

It was actually kind of funny. Back when we were filming Lovesick, I never thought too much when we kissed for the show. Actually, I even tried to run away and avoid kissing him. But today, I find myself reminiscing those moments, trying to recall the taste of his lips. I would pay anything to be able to taste his lips once more or at least, be able to hold him one last time. To be able to see him smile and hear him laugh. However, that is no longer possible as he is no longer with me. And all that is left, is the poison of his love that burns through my veins, hurting me every time more.

I’ve thought about calling him to hear his voice, but every time I press dial, I hang up as I lose my courage. He probably doesn’t want to talk to me anymore and I don’t know if I’ll be able to bear it if he were to reject me. And even if he did answer the phone, what would I tell him? If I apologized to him, wouldn’t that give the two of us some hope? I don’t want to have hope as I know that we wouldn’t work out. I don’t know what would be more painful. Not giving it a chance or trying and seeing everything crumble down. I didn’t even have the courage to test it and find the answer. I was a stupid coward and I hated it. I hated myself and I hated him for making me this way. “Argh!”, I scream exasperatedly, grabbing a pillow and throwing it to the other extreme of the bedroom. Damn coward I am! I’m dying of love and I can’t even come to admit it! 

[Tina's Point Of View]

After White broke up with me, I feared that everything would be over between us. The way he looked at me that night told me that he no longer felt that passionate love he used to feel towards me. I really thought that I would never get him back and I hated myself, because it had been all my fault. It had been me who had opened his eyes, and I still regret it up to this day. I remember those agonizing days without White's presence. They were so dull, so colorless, so full of distress and self blame. 

Days dragged out and I didn't hear from him. Every time my phone rang, I would be hope to hear his voice and feel disappointed when the voice that received me was not his. I was about to lose the last bit of hope, when I finally received his call. My happiness was uncontainable as I listened to his words. My tears came rolling down when he told me he was giving us another chance. He was giving our relationship another chance. That's all that mattered to me back then. Another chance to make things right and to get everything back to normal.

And that's what we have been trying to do. We go on dates regularly and no matter how short the conversation is, we talk to each other every night before going to sleep. We are doing all the things that we used to do before. Actually, we are doing more than what we used to do before. We have even started to have more intimacy than before. We would make love more often and he would whisper love into my ear. He also would surprise me with gifts and special details that drove me crazy. This was his way of trying to make things seem normal and make me feel loved again. It makes me happy to see that White was really trying hard but there were times, mostly when I was alone, that I removed the eye band and stop deluding myself.

How can things be back to normal when your boyfriend confessed that he is in love with another man? Even I can see how much effort he is putting into our renewed relationship, but I know that he is lying to me and to himself. Whenever I look at those brown orbs that cannot lie, I can only see despair and longing. And it strucks me painfully every time because I know well whom those feelings are for. His lips would curb into a smile but it doesn't reach his eyes anymore. He would let out a hearty laughter but it sounds so hollow. His touches remained warm but they still make me feel cold. He is with me and yet, his heart and mind are always off somewhere. And every time he says that he lvoes me, he would close his eyes and refuse to look into my eyes.

It pains me to think that his heart used to beat for me and that I lost all that because of my stupid insecurities. If only I had remained quiet about what I knew, would things be as complicated as they were now? Or would it not have made much of a difference? Either way, it doesn't matter anymore as things won't go back to how they were before. And I should probably accept it already for my own good. But.. but if I were to try.. If I were to really try and put a little more effort, would it be possible to get White's love back? And this unwanted hope was my motivation. I was going to do everything to make our relationship work again, as if it was the battle of my life. They say that if you really love someone, you won't let them slip away without  a fight. And a good fight was exactly what I was going to give. But this time around, I was going to fight cleanly and fairly, without hurting anyone in the process. I was going to give my whole heart and win by my own means.

Nevertheless.. If in the end it didn't work and he still left, I was going to be a good loser and let him go..

I woke up early today despite being a saturday, and made my way to the bakery first thing in the morning. White was getting quieter lately and it worried me so I wanted to cheer him up. And I knew that sweets were the cure to sadness (at least in my case), so I was going to get him his favorite muffins. When I arrived at the bakery, I realized that there was a sale going on. So the place was full of customers and there was a long line, to my disadvantage. After fighting a few customers and making a whole line, I made my way out of the store and started heading towards White's place.

When I arrived at his house, I was welcomed by his mother. Lately, I had been getting into her good side and she was being less hostile towards me. This change wasn't for nothing though. She had noticed White's change in behavior and thought that it had to do with me. So she kept shoving me into her son's face whenever she could. I wondered how long it would take her to realize that it wasn't me who had her son like this, but.. another man. 

As I stood in front of his room, I took a deep breath and put a smile on my face before finally barging in his space.

[White's Point Of View]

Suddenly, my room’s door opens with a bang, making me raise my head to meet with a pretty face. “Hello, my love!”, Tina greets me cheerfully, as she dances her way towards me. “Guess what I bought!”, She says in a sing song voice once she is in front of me. Raising her arm, she signals me to the basket she’s holding. “Muffins?”, I raise an eyebrow and reply, making the girl in front of me smile wide as I had responded correctly. “Yes! They are our favorites!”, She beamed happily as she seated down next to me, showing me the contents of her basket. 

“You don’t know how hard it was to get them, man! There was a sale going on so everyone gathered up at the bakery! I had to fight a couple of other customers to get these for-“, I stare in silence as she goes on about how she had to fight two customers to get the last two muffins, and realize what a good girlfriend I have by my side. And no, it’s not about the muffins, it’s about everything else. Despite her mistakes, I couldn't bring myself to resent her. Not after she had been the only person that had remained besides me and helped me stand up after I had fallen. She already knew about my feelings for Captain as I had already talked to her about them. I thought she would leave me and feel disgusted, but she tried to understand me and supported me. I was so much in debt with her and I didn’t know how to repay all the love she had shown me.

Deep inside, I knew that she was the one for me, not Captain. That was what I felt before he came into my life. I wanted to spend my life next to her and have a normal family. But then Captain came and destroyed everything. Argh! Why did he come and ruined everything?! I knew that I wouldn’t find anyone better than her. And that she was where I belonged. I knew that she would take care of me and be there for me, always. Even if I no longer felt the same way about her, I  knew that I could revive that love that I once felt. If I really tried, I could. I knew all of these things and yet, why was it so hard? Why was I still holding to false hope? It was now or never and I knew it.

[Tina's Point Of View]

After White and I rekindled our romance, there would be moments where he would stare at me quietly and make me feel nervous. It would almost feel like he wanted ot say something but couldn't or wouldn't. Right now, its one of those moments so I decide to keep talking, relaying what I did to get my hands on the said treats. "Tina..", Suddenly, I felt him grab my hand, making me look up to him in question. My heart was beating rapidly in fear as he looked at me with such determination in his eyes. I pressed my eyes tightly and gulped down as I awaited for him to speak up. What was he going to say? Was he going to break up with me again? Was this a definite end? Even after I went and bought muffins for him, was he still breaking my heart? Please don't.. Please don't do this yet..

"Will you marry me?", After what felt like an eternity in suspense, I finally hear his voice ask me softy. 

....

Wait a minute! Was he proposing to me?! Oh my god! Oh my god!  

A surprise gasp escaped my lips and my eyes widened. I don't know exactly what I was expecting but this was definitely not it. My hands trembled as I seeked for his face, voicelessly asking for confirmation. He was looking intently at me, awaiting for an answer. After seconds passed by, he lets a sigh and asks again, "Is it okay if we.."

"Yes! Yes! I'll marry you!", Cutting his words off, I flung myself over him. "I'll marry you, White!", I said excitedly as I tightened my embrace on him. I felt his arms wrap around my waist, hugging me closer to his body. "Thank you.. for everything.", He told me as he burried his face in the crook of my neck. Hold on a minute. That isn't what I wanted to hear. Shouldn't he be saying something else? I don't know. Maybe an "I love you"? Or "I want to be with you forever"? All of a sudden, he starts to tremble inside my arms, as he begins to cry uncontrollably. It doesn't feel as if he was crying out of joy though.. It feels more like..

Oh.. I understand now.

Suddenly my heart is aching, so I burry my face against the crook of his neck and cry with him.

Because now I knew that he wasn't marrying me out of love, but out of gratitude..

                And that I, still hadn't won this battle and would have to keep fighting to keep his love..

[Author's Notes]

Hello everibodi..(Everybody) :) This is Christina speaking. My turn to update the author's note. First and foremost, sorry for the delay. For this chapter, Aleyda did a great job in editting it eventough we had a little trouble with it at first. That is why it was a little late for some that waiting for the update. Sorry to make you wait. Now, I have questions for you. Are you in shock? Speechless? Angry? Sad?...don't be. We want to spice up things a little bit for ya. Well, it will continue to be an interesting journey from now on so wait for it okay. Love you guys and please continue to subcribe and support us.

Tina