I can't help but love you, even though I try not to.

I can't help but want you, I know that I'd die without you.

I can't help but be wrong in the dark, cause I'm overcome in this war of hearts.

I can't help but want the oceans to part, cause I'm overcome in this war of hearts.

(I'm sorry but the malec fan in me is still secretly screaming. Can you hear it in the distance?)

[Third Person Point Of View]

"There's a new mexican restaurant that opened up near my house. Would you like to go to dinner tonight? I can come and pick you up :)" - White wo/3:45pm.

"Hmm. I really wish I could go, P. But sadly, I can't come with you. There's an exam tomorrow and I am planning to sleep early. I'm sorry." - LS Captain/5:34pm.

Upon reading the text message, the brown haired boy frowned in a mix of discontentment and disappointment. He had waited almost two hours for the other boy to respond, and the answer that he had received wasn't what he had been eagerly hoping for. For the past week, he had asked the latter to hang out on countless times, only to be rejected by the other boy. White would ask him to places that he knew, or at least remembered the other loved -like the amusement park of Siam City, or that Chinese restaurant they used to frequent, the pool, or even to play racket- but for some reason, he always ended with the same outcome; rejection. The other would always have an excuse to reject the invitation. Either he had already made plans with his family, or he had a lot of homework, or like tonight's example, he had to sleep early. Although he trusted in the other words, he couldn't help to wonder if he was saying the truth or if he was making up excuses to not come along.

Ever since the two reunited, White had made it his goal to get closer to the other, texting him daily and asking him out every day. He wanted to assure the other, to assure himself as well, that everything had returned back to normal between them. That the things that had tore them apart were already in the past and that they could use this chance to make their bond stronger. He constantly told himself that, that was the reason why he wanted to hang out with the other so badly. But deep inside, he knew that he was lying to himself. The truth was, he secretly wished their bond could grow into something more. He wanted them to be something superior to everything they had been before. He was dying to tell the other that he felt the same way. That he loved him too, that he wanted to try. But then there were all those things that held him back, binding him to a lie. 

There was Tina, above all the reasons. Tina, who he had proposed to and who was possibly happily looking forward to that day where the promise he made would become their reality, binding them both in marriage. He knew he couldn't back up on her any more. That would destroy her and shatter her heart into pieces. So every time he meet up with Tina, he would fake a love that was long gone and lost. And he wasn't complaining, actually. It wasn't like he hated being with her and having her as his girlfriend. It wasn't what he wanted the most, but it wasn't so bad either. He believed he could keep going on like this, faking for his whole life, or at least that's what he wanted to believe.

And it wasn't as if she was the only reason. There were many other reasons that held him back, telling him to not give in to his desires. Like his friends, family and even fans. He had lied to way too many people and suddenly coming out with the truth would probably make them hate him. What would his friends think about him if he were to leave Tina, who was also their friend, for another boy? They would never feel the same way about him and even worse, he could even lose them all. Then what about his family? What would his relatives think? Although he was sure that his parents would support him as they had already had that talk, what about his other relatives? He knew that not all of them would support him and his idea of dating another guy. He could even become the shame of the family and oh, how much he feared that.

What about all of the fans he had? He was very interested in his fans. He loved to read their comments and look at all the posts they made about him on Instagram. He felt that it was a way of being connected to them, to get to know them better. He knew that many of them wanted him and Captain to be a real couple, but he also knew that many of them wouldn't accept it. Why? Simply because we were all taught the same laws and beliefs. And a boy with a boy wasn't something normal, at least that's what he used to believe.But then, Captain had to appear in his life and confess to him, taking away what he once believed and confusing him. Why did he have to fall in love with him, from all the people? He would ask himself the same question oh so frequently, unable to find an answer. If he was honest, he didn't even know what made the other so special. All he knew was that he wanted him, as close as possible. He wanted to feel his warmth and his scent melt into his. He had an extreme urge to be dissolved into the other and become one. He didn't know what that even meant, all he knew is that he wanted to become one with Captain.

Throwing himself into one of his beds and looking at the ceiling, the brown haired boy pictured the face of his friend, feeling a heavy burden inside his chest. Although the face of the other boy made him feel butterflies in his stomach, it also made him feel distressed and brought him negative feelings of uncertainty and fear. He could do it. He knew that if he wanted, he could throw everything and hold on to Captain. What he didn't know was whether he was ready to stand any negativity and hatred that would come with that decision. This wasn't a decision that would go away whenever he wanted it. This was a decision that was definite, and would stay forever. And even if it didn't work out between the two of them, this decision wouldn't be erased from the pages of his life. It would stay there forever. Possibly haunting him and bringing him other's judgement. 

And it wasn't only about him, he remembered. What about Captain? This wasn't only a decision that belonged and would affect White. This also had to do with Captain and his feelings. Was Captain ready to do it? Was he even willing to do it? Based on how he had been acting in the past days, he could see that the other wasn't ready either. He knew Captain's family weren't as his own. They were different and more attached to their beliefs, strict and conservative. He was sure they wouldn't accept the two of them together. He could clearly remember how angry Captain's mother was when she saw the tapes of their car kissing scene a year ago. How she decided to throw three hours of their filming into the trash and destroy the fan's delusions only because their family didn't like to see them together in that level of intimacy. Would she throw her children away because other's didn't accept it? No matter how much he wanted Captain for himself, he couldn't be selfish and break him from his family. No, specially not when Captain loved his family as much as he loved his own.

Sadly, things couldn't always be like we wanted them and this was one of those times. This was a difficult situation and a bad decision could ruin both of their lives and destroy their future. What about all their dreams and goals? Would they get destroyed too, along with their career and reputation? Wiping the tears away from his face, the boy let out another exhausted sigh. He was so tired of overthinking and trying to find a solution where everyone ended happy, where the two them could be together without hurting anyone, and still not being able to find one. Closing his eyes, he decided to forget about everything at least for a moment and go to sleep, where he knew he would get to meet the other, and be able to give in to his desires.

[Author's Point Of View]

Hello, everyone! This is Aleyda, once again! So I suddenly thought about writing a special chapter about White's inner conflict, as I feel that we haven't explained his feelings as much as we explained Captain's and because I mean, who doesnt enjoy some unnecessary angst? xD. Actually this was supposed to be in chapter 19, but I thought it really doesn't fit well with what Christina wrote, and I already feel that what she did is perfect for next chapter, so I didn't want to flaw it. haaha. I decided to do it in a third point of view simply because It was easier? Plus, Ive been reading a lot of stuff in third point of view lately that somehow it was a piece of pie to do it. Thankfully. Lately, ive been so stressed with final exams and so I hadn't been able to do much. Next chap will mostly be done by christina and I will just be editing it. Haha. I hope you enjoy this small chapter and don't forget to comments he he! We will update chapter 19 on friday, like we normally do, so please keep looking forward to it.