I shouldn't have said it. I shouldn't have said it.

I knew I was going to regret it, but I did it anyway.

It isn't working as I planned. It isn't working as I planned.

Because of my stupid pride.

[White's Point Of View]

Standing next to my car to go yet to another event, I hope for the time to stop so I can avoid seeing him a little longer. Attending today's event does not excite me at all, unlike other days. A lot of things have happened in the past week and my head and heart are still trying to cope with it. I am still trying to figure out my feelings and whether I can make the right decision. This is not about me. This is about Captain and this is about Tina. Both are very important to me, I realize it now. However, I also know that the person that has a bigger impact on me isn't Tina anymore. I don't know how or when was when everything changed, but Captain had taken away Tina's place. Even if I was still angry at him for everything, I can no longer deny that I felt different for him now. But, even though I already knew what my feelings for him were, I still didn't know what role I wanted him to play in my life.

Knowing that I shouldn't keep wasting time, I drag myself in the direction of the one story building. I know I shouldn't be acting this way. I can't let what happened get in between me and my work. Forcefully, I start to make my way towards our perspective dressing room, where I'll be seeing him again. I feel the anxiety building up with every step I take but I ignore it and concentrate on greeting all the staff and artists that I come across.

As I take a turn into a new corridor, I hear Ngern voice from the other extreme of the hallway. I had hoped that I would be the first one to arrive but it seems that my partners are all here already. Well, I am not late, they are simply too early. I tell myself, trying to excuse myself for my tardiness.

As I reach the end of the corridor, Ngern's voice becomes clearer and louder. I can't contain a sigh from escaping my lips, when I think about how loud my friend is being. He is in a public place, surrounded by artists and other forms of media, and yet he can't lower his voice. He will have to hear me once I get there, I tell myself as I reach out for the doorknob.

"Hey, Captain!", But before I can spin the doorknob, Ngern's voice makes me stop in track as he calls that name that holds so much power over me. Standing right outside their room, I listen carefully to hear something that makes the blood in my veins boil. "Seriously though, you and White would make the best couple ever, right, August?!", Ngern tells Captain and I hear August hum in agreement. "How can White not like you when you are this cute?! He must be blind!", Ngern continued to add. What the heck was that?! Don't tell me that Ngern and August knew about Captain's feelings towards me?! Even worse, about what Tina did?! How many people did he went on and told?! Shouldn't this be something so sacred that he would want to keep in secret?! Is Captain that low to sell his love story to everyone?!

With all those questions repeating in my mind, I try to calm myself and open the door slightly to look at Captain's reaction. What the ? Was he just smiling? He is just accepting and agreeing to Ngern's words. Does that mean that everyone already knew about it? Holding a fist in my hand, I can't contain the anger that is now building up inside me. If he thinks I am going to keep quiet about him selling our love story, then he is damn wrong!

Rushing inside of the room, I send a deadly glare towards Captain, making him gulp down instantly. "So, did Ngern and August also knew about it?! Or did you just make an announcement about our relationship to everyone?!", I burst towards Captain, who is now looking at me in a mixture of shock and hurt. "White, please let me explain!", I can hear him plead but right now, I am too pissed off to care. If he wants me to listen to his explanation, he will have to hear me first! 

"So you did, didn't you?! Might as well go on stage and do it! That would be more fun and exciting, don't you think?!", I scream at him, not being able to hold my anger anymore. How could he do this to me?! He knew how hard the past two years had been on me and how much I hated their teasing comments about our so called "romance"! I had hoped that with time everything would eventually fade out and I could live life in peace but now that they knew about it, I could only expect it to grow worse! And all that because he couldn't keep his mouth shut!

But as I turn around to face the other two boys in the room, I realize that they are perplexed to hear what I just said. Their eyes are wide open and their mouths are hanging from their face. It's as if what they just heard was new to them. Wait a minute, did I do something wrong in here?! "No, P. They didn't know anything but now they do, thanks to you.", Captain tells me and I feel as if I had been slapped.

"Ngern and August, would you mind leaving us alone for a while?", Letting out a sigh, Captain directs himself to the other two, who are looking just as shocked as before. Nodding their heads very slowly, they stumble their way out of the room. "What do you mean they didn't know anything?! What was all that about then?!", I am also in shock but I continue to stutter the questions out of me.

"Ngern and August had no idea. They were just teasing me as usual.", He tells me and looks away from me, looking disappointed. With those words, he is letting me know that I ed up. Well, how was I supposed to know?! After he told Pineare and Ssing, how was I supposed to trust him?! Its not my fault if I accidentally blurt it out just now! It's his fault also, isn't it?! "Well, this is all your fault! You shouldn't have told Pineare and Ssing and make me doubt you!", I tell him as I cross my arms, refusing to lose this argument.

“I didn’t tell them either. They found out on their own. My feelings were just too obvious. You were just too blind to see them.”, Captain is trying to explain what happened but the more I hear his explanation, the more pathetic I am feeling because now I realize that the one that caused all of this mess is me. How could I do something so damn stupid?! Argh! Now, I am really feeling frustrated. “White, I would never tell anyone about this.. Please believe me..”, And now he is trying to hold onto my hands and pleading me but I snatch my hands away before I can realize it.

“Well, even so! You are the one who caused all of this mess in the first place! Now that they know that you are gay, they will tease us merciless!”, I know I shouldn’t be using that word on him but I cannot help myself as I can’t control the negative emotions that are now flowing out of me. With that accusation, I can see Captain’s expression change. His hurt fades and is replaced with anger. “Who the hell said I’m gay?!”, Captain replied angrily. Why is he angry at me now?! He was the one that confessed to me that day?! “You did! You said it yourself that day! You couldn't have forgotten about it?! You are the one lusting over me, remember?!”, Now I am really angry at him for playing dumb that I am thinking irrationally.

“Lusting over you?! Is that everything you can ing make out of my feelings?! Is that what love means to you?!”, Captain screams at me as his hands form a fist. “Well, that’s what you feel deep down, don’t you?! You told me you were straight and then suddenly you said you love me! Who knows how much gay you watched to become like this!”, I really hate the way this conversation is going but I cannot hold myself and notice that Captain is in the same place right now.

“I can’t believe this! You are making my feelings sound so dirty!”, He screams as his expression slowly returns to its previous state of hurt. White, please stop. The bells in my mind ring warning me that I’m going down the wrong path. But no matter how much I try to force my mouth shut, I can’t contain the words from slipping through, “Well, that’s what they are, aren’t they?! They are dirty and disgusting!”

“Well, if you are so disgusted, then stay away from me!”, Captain final words cause my heart to skip a beat and the time stop. Wait a minute! What did he just said?! Stay away from him?! Oh . Is this the end?! Is this really the end to all of this?! I open my mouth and try to mutter something, but my voice has left me when I most needed it. I can only stare speechless at the other person as he stands up from his chair and begins to walk away from me without turning back. I hear him open the door and watch as he takes a step forward to leave the room.

“Don’t..”, And when those words are out, it’s already too late. He is already gone and I'm left, feeling like an . I wish I could take everything back. I really regret everything I told him. Captain didn't deserve all of this. He had done nothing wrong and yet, I took my frustration on him. I am the one responsible for all of this mess. And now I am going to pay the consequences and lose him. All because of my stupid pride.

[Captain's Point Of View]

I open the door to find two startled faces on the other side. As soon as they see me, they make way for me to pass. Gulping down the shame, I make my way through them without saying a word. It's obvious that they have been eavesdropping on us all of this time and that by now, they knew that I was the one that started all of this. I felt so embarrassed, so shameful, so pathetic. My feelings were no longer a secret as all those that surrounded me knew about them already. I just hoped that the rumor didn't spread to the public otherwise, it would be too humiliating.

What would everyone say? How would my family feel? This was no longer a fairy tale, this was real life and it wasn't as easy. My family was very conservative; they wouldn't accept me. They would probably make me an outcast and be disgusted about me, just like White is. What about school? What would my friends say about me? What about the fans? Would they stay beside me, or would I lose most of them? It was clear as water. If this came out, It would bind me to other's judgment. This wasn't something that would go away eventually, this was something that would remain for the rest of my life. Was I really thinking about going through all of that?

And even so.. even so, I was willing to sacrifice and throw everything, if I could have him beside me for the rest of my life. What a fool..

As I walk through the crowded corridor, I can feel the tears accumulate in the corner of my eyes again. They had become my best friend in the past month, but I couldn't keep them with me anymore. This time I wasn't planning on letting them out. No matter how bad it got, I wasn't going to shed a tear for him ever again. I was so damn tired of being the only one crying, while he could continue with his life as if nothing. It was a waste of time that I couldn't afford to waste anymore. I knew perfectly that crying wouldn't change anything. No matter how much I cried and suffered, White was never going to love me back. So why should I suffer when I can be doing something more productive?! I needed to get a grip of myself and get over him.

I couldn't believe I fell in love with someone as narrow minded as him. He felt disgusted about me and about my feelings. In fact, he didn't even see my feelings as something human. To him, what I felt was something repulsive; something sickening. There was no light at the end of this tunnel and here I was, drowning in his darkness. Well, not anymore! If he doesn't want me in his life, why should I want him in mine?! He can go and with Tina all he wants! I am not going to care anymore! With those thoughts in my mind, I continue walking through the hall, ignoring the weird gazes I'm receiving.

Suddenly, a hand pulls me by the arm, making me stop from moving any further. Hmm? Who wants to talk to me? Is it White?! Feeling slightly hopeful to find White behind, I turn around only to be disappointed. "Captain? Are you alright?", I hear August ask me with concern evident in his eyes. Argh! Why was I still hoping to hear an apology from White?! Captain, get a grip of yourself please! "Yeah.. I just wanted to be alone..", I tell him as I slowly pull my arm away from his hand.

"Oh, is that so? I just wanted to apologize for getting you in trouble with White..", August apologizes, making me widen my eyes. Their fault?! No! It wasn't their fault! If someone was to blame, it was me for getting into all this mess. "Oh, no! It's not your fault! Don't worry about it!", I try to reassure him and he just gives me a faint smile. 

"Captain..", And now he is grabbing to my hands and looking at me with tenderness. "Please don't take all the rude things White said to heart. I'm pretty sure that he didn't mean them and that he is just trying to cope with his feelings for you.", He tries to convince me but I just shake my head. Please don't say that, August. I don't want to get my hopes high anymore. Letting out a sigh, I decide to excuse myself, "The event is starting, we should get going." With those words said, I leave him and walk towards the main hall.

[White's Point Of View] 

It seems that Captain was serious when he said he wanted to stay away from me. When I heard him say that, I didn't think it was that serious. I thought that it was just because both of us were angry, that words came out unknowingly and unintentionally. At least from my side that is what happened. I never meant anything I said but Captain took everything to heart. And now, I'm facing the consequences as he isn't even sparing me a glance. I notice that he is talking to Ngern and August, then why is he not talking to me? He is standing far away from me. We normally would stand beside each other whenever we were together. But now, he makes it clear that he doesn't want me in his life by putting an enormous distance between us. Why does he need to do this? I didn't mean what I said earlier. I was just angry but not at him, at myself. Things happened without me realizing it. Can he just forgive me already? 

Sigh.

I guess I need to respect his decision. If he already decided that he doesn't want to be near me, then I shouldn't force him. Well, this is what I wanted too, isn't it? Shouldn't I be happy? I didn't accept his feelings when he confessed. I even rejected him, saying all kind of terrible words to him. Now I got what I deserved, shouldn't I be happy? Then why does it feel as if the world was falling on top of me? To see him being so distant is killing me inside. And now pretending to be fine in front of August and Ngern is becoming difficult.

"White, its her! Its her! Go and talk to her already!", Ngern keeps pushing me towards the corner of the stage. I lift my face to look at the direction Ngern keeps pointing and find a pretty lady talking to her group of friends. "Why are you still standing there?! It's Esther! Your crush! Move your and talk to her, man!", Ngern keeps screaming me with desperation in his expression. I smile at Ngern before turning to Esther's direction. I raise my hand slowly to greet her as she looks at me. I don't have the energy nor the excitement to go and talk to her. "Since it seems you need some help, let me help you!", Ngern approaches me and grabs to my hand, pulling me in direction of Esther. Now this is really bad. I am in front of my crush and I am too tired to talk to her. And all that is because of that one particular crazy guy that is also standing not so far away from me. 

After what has happened between me and Captain today, I believe that there will never be a chance for us to move further with our relationship. How could I even think that there could be something more between Captain and me? It would be simply too difficult as neither of us was ready to face other's judgement. It became obvious that Captain wants to forget about it too looking at the way he distanced himself from me. I know I was an to him and that this is all my fault, but if he really loved me like he said, then wouldn't he be able to bare with my nonsense? If he wasn't ready for this much, then how could I expect him to be ready for what was to come?

Shut up, White. The one that isn't ready to take that step is you.

My conscience reminds me, making my heart ache even more. It was true. The one that wasn't ready and would probably never be was me. I couldn't keep lying to myself and to him. He deserved so much more. Someone who was willing to throw everything to be with him. Not a prideful coward like me. Because that was what I was. I was a coward that was too scared to face the reality and accept his own feelings. And it was time for me to go back to where I was supposed to be. There was someone that was waiting for me and I shouldn't keep making that person wait for my own selfishness.

As soon as the event comes to an end, I rush towards my car. I need to call Tina. I need to let her know that everything will go back to how it was. And that I will return to the place where I belong. With that last sentence, I slowly pull my phone out and search for her phone number. When I find it I dial it without thinking it twice, and wait for the other person to answer. “Hello, Tina? It’s me, White.”, I greet her calmly as soon as she answers. “White?! Thanks god you call me! I was just thinking about you! I miss you so much!”, Tina replied desperately and I can’t help feel sorry for the girl on the other side of the line.

“I miss you too and I am sorry for hurting you. I should have not done that to you. Will you forgive me and take me back please?”, The words that come out from my mouth sound like an act of responsibility rather than my actual feelings. Pushing the thought aside, I waited for her to reply. “No, no, you have done nothing wrong. All of this is my fault. I’m the one that should be apologizing. Will you forgive me and take me back please?”, She finally breaks down crying, making her words hard to understand.

"I have forgiven you long ago! Don't cry! Everthing is going to be alright!", I said to her in return, trying to reassure her and myself as well. Everything now was going back to normal and that should make me happy right? So why do I feel that there is a part of me missing? Not being able to contain the tears anymore, I finally break down, joining Tina cries. However, our reasons for crying are very different. She's crying in joy while I'm crying in misery.

[Author's Note]

Hello, everyone~ It's Aleyda here! Hahaha. I know, I know. Some of you were probably expecting something else for this chapter and are now mad at how things turned out in this chapter.. Not so much progress, right? 

Well, the thing is.. the three of us really wanted to take revenge on White and make him suffer for everything.

Also, this event came to our minds and we decided to use it xD

Anyways, I hope that you are patient and keep looking forward to future chapters!

Please comment your opinions and subscribe or upvote if you haven't ^^